A Great Big Bag of Expectations

Do you remember Munchos? I’m not sure why, but anytime we drove a long distance during my childhood, I almost always picked up a giant bag of Munchos for the drive. Ahhhhh, good ol' Munchos. They weren’t flashy. They came in a rather plain metallic red wrapper. Over time, they came in one fantastic flavor: Plain. They didn’t have massive advertising campaigns. No coupons for DQ sundae’s or press-on tattoos hidden inside. No, Munchos were golden salty perfection...everything a potato chip should be.

So why were they so freaking good?

I’ve kicked this question around literally for years; and finally…after nearly three and a half decades of life on this planet, I have figured out the answer.

You see, Munchos are great because you don’t expect much when you eat them. Think about it. You get them at some dirty gas station, usually right next to the Slim Jims, and just below the powdered donut gems. At this particular point, you don’t expect the delicious fried potato perfection that is Munchos; especially in a rusted out shithole truckstop just outside of Salina. But since you’re trolling through a such an establishment at 3am, (And you're 12) your brain is convinced that your only options border on the bland, lame and repulsive.

Yes, despite the strange aftertaste and funky texture of the top of your mouth after eating them, Munchos are the king of gas station chips because of your expectations.

Expectations…..

Let’s take a look at this word for a second, since we tend to talk about it quite a bit around here. This morning on a message board, a question was posed of Missouri fans as to whether or not they could handle the pressure of running with the top dogs in all the land in 2008. As a lifelong fan who has taken such proverbial kicks to the nuts as Tyus Edny, Northern Iowa and a long list of disappointments, you might be surprised at my non-holds-barred response in 0.3 seconds of, “Yes.” I personally (as a fan) am ready for my team to hold the giant bulls eye, and quite frankly…I don’t see what the big deal is. I embrace it. I expect it. I've waited a long ass time to hold it. Even though the Tigers are improved, I realize that they are an emerging program with little or no real history. Contrary to what many of you rocket scientists think: My expectations…even for this season…are low.

However, if you want to see the flip side of expectations and the horrific damage they can do, lets turn our attention back to you and the million or so other red-clad Big Red fans who feel it is their biological duty to personally will your team back to glory.

Just as Munchos are an unexpected and satisfying surprise at the gas station, the exact opposite reaction can be said for something so over hyped and overexposed, that it leaves you feeling disappointed and disenchanted. Perhaps this can be equated to an over hyped “National Power” that is going back to it’s “original formula”, yet is still bland, dull and over glorified. In this particular example, let’s call them Fritos.

Fritos are a staple of gas stations and grocery stores everywhere. A former giant in the salty-snack business, this giant brand name snack has tinkered with it’s formula time and time again. Chili Cheese Fritos, BBQ Fritos, Giant Scoop Fritos, West Coast Offense Fritos, 3 Cheese Fritos and then Jalapeno Fritos. Hell, as of late they’ve even put them in circular containers and called them “twists.” (If I wanted to eat fucking "twists", I'd scarf on a pretzel) And although they’ll never be copmletely terrible; the Fritos people...for years...have been trying to hide the fact that their overrated and boring ass product has become dull, bland and predictable. No matter what they do to it, it isn’t going to get any better.

Sound familiar?

So what’s the point of all this?

The point is, Munchos kick ass because you don’t expect much out of them. Their unexpected goodness helps increase the positive snack chip experience. It puts you in a better mood. Each crunch vibrates through your soul as you enjoy each and every unique crumb. Fritos, while good…are NEVER as good as your brain thinks because the expectations are there; the flashy marketing, the billboards…the whole thing. But in the end....

Meh.

Same goes for College football teams. Those of you expecting 9 win seasons better check yourselves and lower that bar just a little bit. Meanwhile, take your rebuilding process for what it is, and enjoy the little things that surround the college football season:

Opening weekend
A first down
The sound of the band

Why don't you listen to me for once in your lives? Following these guidelines will make all the difference, and will allow you to avoid the inevitable pork rinds that are bound to make their way to your gut by the time late November rolls around.

* Funny to hear the Omaha media today complaining about the Big 12’s TV announcements today. For those of you unaware, only the Nebraska vs. Colorado game is scheduled for television coverage on the ABC family of networks this year. (Of course with the possibility of others if ancillary teams go into the shitter.)

Don't get me wrong, none of this really matters because as I said last year…TV schedules and glowing lights of ESPN never won anything. But alas, it is pretty funny to see you get the ass end of a stick you were so willing to swing around last year.

* Finally, since it’s late May, it must be time for another Husker baseball choke job. I realize the bandwagon has slowed somewhat, and I realize that your team is far from horrible. But with expectations again in play, when are you going to realize that the mediocre express has pulled into the station, and it aint going anywhere anytime soon?

Ahhh well. Consider it karma’s payback for flooding Rosenblatt with Eric Crouch Jerseys during the CWS a few years ago. Nobody deserves a kick in the gut like you do. Congrats.

* Oh and PS, I’m going to shift gears on my greatest Huskers ever segment. Somebody reminded me today that we are 100 days from the start of the season, and damnit…we’ve got other stuff to talk about.

Stay tuned.

A Lob Down the Middle

For about 6 months, I’ve been telling you what a complete and total mess you people are. I’ve mocked your inability to think straight, I’ve bashed you for holding the belief that a 40 year old former player standing on a sideline can somehow make your linebackers actually tackle better. But to most of you, all of this seems to be simply bombastic sour grapes by a blogger with way too much time on his hands, coupled with a gigantic chip on his shoulder.

Thanks to an anonymous Husker reader, enter this little nugget. (here)

I also know that the most important thing in your life is tradition. Now I personally think tradition is the most overrated of all qualities in sports. Hell, the Cubs have a lot of tradition, but it certainly hasn’t helped them over the past 100 years. But when you start making videos of a banquet and a press conference, I think suffice it to say you may have reached rock bottom.

So let me get this straight…for $25 of my hard earned money…I can get highlights of a Bo Pelini, standing over Chicken Florentine and Au gratin potatoes, tell me about how great it is to be Nebraska’s coach? But there’s more! I also get highlights of Bo Pelini’s initial press conference WITH CORRESPONDING QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS from Nebraska’s award winning radio, print and TV journalists?

But THAT’S NOT ALL!!!!! I also get highlights of the 2008 spring game, where a collection of 5th string defensive backs can run around Memorial Stadium, falling down to a chorus of whistles and instructions, all the while being watched by 80,000 mesh hat wearing freaks with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives on a sunny April afternoon?

All for $24.95!!!!!?!?!?!?!?

In case you need more..here’s the official summary of this fine piece of electronic art:

"A RETURN TO TRADITION" A DVD compilation of the historical events marking the move back to Nebraska Football Tradition in 2008. See the full footage of the 1997 Championship reunion banquet featuring Charlie McBride, Jason Peter and Coach Osborne. It was the middle of the ’07 season when the banquet took place, and things were looking tough for the ’07 Huskers. Hear the amazing insights and heart warming reflections offered by the former coaches and players, including some hilarious comments from the always entertaining Jason Peter. See the imploring request from coach Osborne for the ’97 players to show their support and encouragement to the embattled 2007 Huskers. Also see the entire Bo Pelini introduction press conference and hear Bo set forth in his own words his vision for bringing tradition back to NU. And finally see highlights from the 2008 Spring Game, complete with the post game comments from coach Pelini and select players. 2007 was a tough year, but the future looks bright! DVD video, Husker Vision footage, 140 minutes. "

Please pick yourself up off the floor, clean up your spilled bladder, and join me in 5 minutes for some comments.






OK.

I’m not even sure how to approach this one. I mean, I understand you guys are down. Seriously I do…my team helped put you there. But did I think you people would be desperate enough for positivity that you would drag a camera down to the Holiday Inn Central, and film your coach (who hasn’t coached a game for you since a substitute teacher role in 2003) yapping in a suit and tie. Actually strike that, this is exactly what you people would do. (Also ironic that such a fine and upstanding citizen as Jason Peter would be featured in the DVD. Who's coming next year to bring the laughs? O.J. Simpson?)

I just figured the rest of you needed to see just what I’m up against every minute, of every day.

* The great KC Star columnist Joe Posnanski last week had a discussion on his blog revolving around the ever growing presence of sports blogs and their impact to sports journalism. Obviously, if you’re reading this you know what the Internet can do for just about any crackpot and freak that owns a sick idea and a keyboard. But the discussion was interesting coming from a guy who does this for a living. (And is very good at it)

With that being said, I figured I would reiterate my position just what this blog (and others) provides you…the casual sports fan.

I provide you absolutely nothing.

I don’t know players. I don’t go to every single game. I don’t download special “insider” newsletters. I barely even keep track of my own team, let alone every other team out there. I don’t have a subscription to SI. I don’t watch Sportscenter religiously. I didn’t play college football, nor do I have any sort of insight into the sport other than what the average Joe has.

But, one thing that blogs do help with, is give you a side of opinion that you don’t always get from mainstream news. Take my own situation for example. I speak the truth from behind the Red curtain, because not only is there no other regional or national media anywhere to be found here; but the media members that are here, are directly responsible for the very idealistic horseshit that spews from the mouths of 99% of all Husker fans in general. IN other words, they are you…you are them, and there is no way in hell those guys are going to tell you the truth.

So with that being said, take this (and other blogs) for what they are: Simply a extension of opinion from a perspective that is unique. (Or in the case of some blogs out there…the same old crap about the same old teams…fake pictures…expanded breakdowns…whatever.)

Whether you hate my guys or praise my name with every ounce of truth I give you…let the record show that sports blogs like this one are here to stay, and aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

* Not that I really care, nor am I college baseball’s biggest fan; but where are all you Husker freaks who were running shit all week about your baseball team? Again, not that it really affects me either way…but funny how your outlandish smack has once again run aground.

Pity how that seems to happen all the time these days.

Husker Nation Strikes Back

I really hate to beat a dead horse here, but I’m still a bit astonished how you, as a collective fan base, have completely and totally played off the last four years as if they were nothing but a black-and-white sitcom from long ago. I’m actually stunned that some of you simply brush off the fact that Tom Osborne destroyed your program (and yes..he did it by recommending Frank Solich and Steve Pederson...don’t kid yourself) 10 years ago…and yet some of you still fight back as if you actually have facts or recent history on your side.

I mean, it’s mind boggling to think that ANYONE who actually witnessed the events of last year can be so full of passion and confidence…..it simply defies logic and explanation. Just when I think you’re ready to settle into your new role as rebuilding underdogs…I see case after case of delirious fandom gone horribly wrong.

Take this little nugget from ESPN.com today. (here) Yes, you read that right…78% of Nebraska residents feel that the Huskers will win the Big 12 North next year. Now I realize I will get called out for being a homer..and maybe to some degree I am. But if ANY of you…and I mean ANY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, can give me one a lone reasonable reason why this remotely possible, please stop reading and click on my comment button below. Seriously, 78% of you? I can see 1 or 2 out of every dozen or so in an unscientific poll going, “Yup….I can dream big and I love polls, go big red!”. But 78 freaking percent of you? And that’s taking into consideration the fact that there are at least a dozen or so people in this state who are like me and actually have not fallen under the brainwashing ways Husker fandom.

My God, even Kansas people…who absolutely HATE Missouri... aren’t this stupid.

So with that being said…I really want to know why. I would like to know, just how in the hell this is possible, considering you are: Losing your starting QB. You are losing your best playmaker on offense at WR. You are losing most of your secondary and linebackers, and are starting with a coach that has all of 1 whopping game of college experience. And yes, I can see how in some cases…like 2006, when the entire division was mired in the crapper this would be possible…but you were 112th in the nation in defense last year. Your two wide receivers look like members of N*Sync. Your coach, has all of 60 minutes of head coaching experience (Against a 6th rate Big 10 team at that) in his lifetime. And yet, you’re picking yourselves over a 12-2 team that returns 18 starters, an All-American and a Heisman finalist?

Are you people out of your fucking minds?

Now again, save your instant knee-jerk feedback and think about this for a second. I already know what you were about to type:

“Hey asshole, it’s just a poll”
“Hey asshole, Missouri plays in Lincoln this year”
“Hey asshole, why do you think you know everything?”
“Hey asshole, why don’t you move?”
“Hey asshole, why are you so jealous?”

It’s reality, I do know everything, I don’t want to move, I’m not jealous of you or anything about you..and they could play that game in the parking lot of a UNICEF food rationing center in Botswana, and you still would be a 20+ point underdog to Missouri. Now again, nowhere in this statement did I say Missouri would win a National title. I did not say you would suck forever. I did not say you would not be improved.

What I’m saying is, you are the same delusional morons who told me you were going to beat USC….twice in the past two years.

I will hand it to you though…even I…your biggest antagonist, wouldn’t think you people could be quite this dumb. But again, it’s not like we haven’t had precedence set here about 900 thousand times. (The USC predictions, the Mizzou predictions from last year, the BCS in 2006, JC’s Heisman trophy etc.) I guess in the end we can only say, “we shall see”. But let’s be frank here: It’s not like I haven’t been spot-on about you people for years. Why would I suddenly go cold now?

**Speaking of Frank, nice to see King Pelini give a shout out to his old boss Bobcat Frank the other day. For those of you who missed it, Pelini is going out of his way to make sure that the Fankophiles hear exactly what they want. Can somebody explain to me the point of all this?

I get you want to pretend it’s 1997 all over again. I get that you want Broderick Thomas and Sheldon Jackson standing on the sidelines at practice, telling some kid who was in Kindergarten at the time about how great they were. But isn’t this Frank-love fest going a bit too far in the opposite direction?

I mean, the last guy you had said that you had to run your team like a pro franchise, and you nearly all believed him. The last guy you had said that recruiting and Rival stars were the most important thing in life, and nearly all of you believed him.

Don’t you think King Bo might be taking this whole Frank worshiping thing a bit too far? Isn’t he going to piss off the Callahan-apologists (or whatever you call them now. They’re all in exile from what I can tell)? And how many games is all of this going to last, before a good chunk of you realize, “Oh crap…this guy isn’t worth a damn either?”

I’m not completely sure what the motives are here, but rest assured…the rest of us think it’s hilarious, and will be right there for you come about mid October.

** Can somebody tell the Nebraska baseball team to stop wearing those STUPID high red sox from 1963? They’re not retro. They’re not cool. They make you look like a bunch of country bumpkins who don’t know how to dress yourselves. Stop trying to be trendsetters, and start gearing up for your annual loss to some WCC team in the regional’s.

** Hey Pittsburgh Penguin fans….blow me. You’re going to make me root for the Red Wings for the first time in my life. You’ll rot in hell for that.

Hate City U.S.A.

Some weekend odds and ends to get you through your mothers day weekend:

* Over the course of my life, I’ve become rather callous and condescending. Ok, I’ll admit that I’ve almost become borderline evil. But even with all that, I like to think I have a fairly good head on my shoulders as to what to expect in life and how to read most every situation. One thing however that always astounds me surrounds my hometown of Kansas City. Although I grew up with the Kansas-Missouri rivalry all around me, I am constantly in awe of just much these groups of people hate each other. Whether it's at a family get-together back home, or browsing the daily diatribes in the comments section of the K.C. Star; I'm always amazed but never shocked. Rivalry the way God intended it.

So, OK fine. Some Yankee fan actually KILLED a Red Sox fan in New Hampshire the other day. But lets be honest…have you ever met a hard-core Red Sox fan? Not to condone 2nd degree murder, but let’s get real here; who HASN'T wanted to run over a group of loudmouthed chowderheads at one time or another? Anyway, despite what ESPN and the national press says….other rivalries may have more fans involved. Other rivalries may play more consistently for higher stakes…but no rivalry pours in more hatred, more rage, more anger, more pure unadulterated disdain and passionate wickedness than Missouri and Kansas.

When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Despite Kansas being a territory of thugs and criminals during the mid 1800’s, the two states did actually go through a bloody 4 year war against each other. (Not a pansy-assed, politically correct anaolgy for war, but a real war.) But that's not the whole story.

Kansas City, the epicenter of hate in this country, has been blessed with the Shitty Royals, the shittier chiefs, and enough bad luck and bad decisions to last a lifetime. Is there any wonder things have turned the way they have over the past year or so? Missouri throttles Kansas in football, Kansas wins a meaningless BCS game (yes, I said it) …and then they steal a National Title in a sport that they supposedly have owned for decades. (Even though 2 National titles in 50 years isn’t that impressive to me for a “powerhouse”) But I digress.

So what does all this have to do with the Huskers? Everything. Watching Tom Osborne and the Howdy Doody people run rough shot for all those years over the Big 8 with their bland offense, their ugly helmets and their hokey self-patronizing ways was bad for the league and bad for the sport. The fact that Hick Nation is now sitting face down in the gutter like the a drunken prom date left behind is a Godsend for so many reasons.

Gone are stupid ass options, boring head coaches (oh wait, Tom’s still around) and an overly self-indulgent mass of humanity that follows their team far and away, like a giant red ameba-like blob of Crisco, blatantly unhidden under a series of red t-shirts and white striped overalls. But in it's place stands the resurrection of a dynamic rivalry that epitomizes everything that is good with sports.

Hate, rage, disdain and flat-out rivalry at it’s greatest.

So for those of you who are sitting in your mom’s basement right now, clutching a copy of the 1994 orange bowl program and sporting a faded “Unfinished Business” t-shirt…please note that your downturn in luck has not only kicked you from the mind of the conscious, but it has also breathed life into the greatest rivalry in college sports; One very few know about, except those who spawned from it’s inception nearly 140 years ago.

Oh, and speaking of such hate…nice to see Kansas get scholarships pulled for being a bastion of the athletically illiterate. Not that anybody else expected different. Nice going Beakers.

* So let me get this straight: Offensive Coordinator Shawn Watson was the genius who led the Husker’s to a #12 ranking in total offense last year, but the guy you just ran out…the guy you all hated…had his meddling hands all over the offense in order to keep Watson from succeeding? Huh?

So how can you be so sure that Shawn Watson is such an outstanding offensive mind, when in the same breath, you complain that Bill Callahan held everything down with his meddling? Which is it?

To me, this will be the story of the season for Hick nation. Bomopia will have his defense playing better, because let’s face it…there’s no way in hell you could play worse. Yet at the same time, very few of you will even notice your offensive efficency dropping like a rock; not only because you’re losing your starter from a year ago (as your best wide receiver and only real offensive threat)…but the guy who actually had his “grubby hands” all over the offense last season is now getting paychecks from the NFL again.

Those of you who are banking on “the offense will be fine”, better take another look at just how and why your offense was ½ decent in the first place. (And yes, don’t get me started on the argument from a few months ago that explains just how easy it is to run up offensive numbers when you are down 35 points all the time and airing things out.) I haven't said "I told you so" in at least a few days. May as well print this off as well.

* So a new arena in Lincoln is coming? I think that's outstanding. Not because I think Husker basketball will suddenly become this giant of a program, awakening from a long slumber, but it will give me really two reasons to follow something other than your minor bowl games (if at all) in the coming years.

First, it will give most of you a reason to at least pay attention to the fact that Nebraska does have a basketball team. With that attention comes outlandish claims, ridiculous expectations and even more idiotic ramblings from people who don't know what the hell I'm talking about. And second is the pending slap-fight with Creighton "fans" over just which bandwagon and sparkling new arena to sit in as you're stuffing garlic cheese fries down your throat.

Can't wait. Seriously.

* For some reason, the year is flying by and it’s already mid-May. Hell, the season starts in less than 4 months. For that reason, it might be time to start breaking down the upcoming continued disaster that is the 2008 Nebraska Cornhusker football team. I’m not sure what sort of direction we’re going to go into next on this blog. But let the record show…with all the uncertainty in Lincoln coming up this fall…you need to know the ridiculous claims and the unmitigated disaster from every angle and as soon as possible. That’s why I’m here...for you.

Enjoy your weekend.

5 Questions and a Cloud of Missed Tackles

Quit it.

During this, a time of great turmoil for you and your team, we are all forced to excel in roles that we are not used to. Just as I don’t really like stomping on your rotting scarlett carcass day in and day out….we can just as easily look at this from another direction.

Over the past few weeks, I've stated that the disease infested larvae oozing cockroach, also known as Husker fan, has begun to organize once again…just as I predicted. Maybe you have noticed a bit of a shift, as some Husker fans remain introverted and calm as they reflect just how in the holy hell they’re going to EVER get back to the outrageous expectations? Then there are others, who have completely thrown reason out the window and immediately chugged the nearest gallon jug of Kool Aid and have engaged in an insurgent attack of stupidity and ridiculousness.

I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not completely comfortable with this situation either. It’s not that easy to root for a team that has sucked your whole life, and suddenly find yourself rooting for a top 5 program. And no, as fulfilling and satisfying as it is to watch you sit in smoldering ruins….it actually takes a bit more energy to find new and exciting ways to mock and taunt you from high atop my perch on the top of the mountain.

But on the other hand, in the role of a defeated and aged former heavyweight champ, you have collectively and absolutely no flippin clue how to act. In an argument where you used to spit out facts and numbers like they were crumbs of Stove Top Stuffing tumbling out of Mark Mangino’s chins…you now rely on your team’s performance from over a decade ago, schedule bashing and reference to a mythical (yet blatantly ripped off) facsimile of “scoreboards” that track MIP’s and disturbing the peace tickets of your most talented opponents.

Seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? What in the name of holy hell gives you the actual NERVE to pop off about ANYTHING at this point? Have you even SEEN yourselves lately? Holy shit, if you’re this ridiculously under prepared and out gunned now for football discussions now, what the hell are you going to be like when you’re 3-5 in late October? If you’re making ridiculous claims about other North teams, how completely and totally delusional are you going to be when a low-level south team is up 38-0 on you at halftime? (Whoops, that actually happened.)

The fact of the matter is, some of you simply do not have the smarts to hold your fire to those (like me) who have certainly earned the right to verbally pummel you into submission on a daily basis. I mean, what on earth could you POSSIBLY have to bring to an argument? You’ve won the Big 12 ONCE since 1999. The closest you got to a BCS game was the Cotton Bowl…which if I remember correctly late last year, was according to you: the bowl equivalent of staying at an Econo Lodge in Boise.

Maybe I’m asking too much of you people? Maybe me spending 20 years defending a team that trotted out Kent Skornia, Jimmy Daugherty and Kirk Farmer year after year made me that much better than you at defending myself? Maybe it’s lame to me because I saw what a complete and total train wreck you were going to be before all of you did?

Regardless of all that, we have indeed switch roles. And with that, we have questions. Oh don’t get me wrong…I have no questions about my own team…and I really don’t have many questions about other teams either. Colorado is rapidly improving. K-State is trying to plug holes quickly, Iowa State is young and lost their two best players. Kansas is a fraud and will feel the sting of playing actual D1 teams this season. But lost in all this are the key questions I have about you going into the meat of the off season. Let’s examine shall we?

5) Who is next to get arrested?
With Mo Purify out and while the Christensen kid has made some nice strides stepping into Mark Vedral’s shoes…the jury is still out on just who will become the next great Husker thug. I remember the glory days of backup quarterbacks banging your star player’s woman. I recall like it was yesterday when a backup receiver was caught “partying” with a 14 year old girl and his cousin at a trailer court. Hell, I remember when your starting wide receiver was such a thug that he had a godamn bullet in his ass. Who will carry on the tradition? Who will step up and sucker punch a defenseless fan and claim self defense?

4) Can you handle the truth?
As I stated in the paragraphs above, some of you simply cannot handle the fact that you’re suddenly San Jose State with brighter uniforms and a fancier scoreboard. Some of you were hurt, while the others cheered your own defeat...just so the keys to Memorial Stadium can be handed back to a member of the “family” (Even though a “family member” was just fired and replaced by a 900 year old ego-driven hypocrite and his 1-game wonder coach who’s defense gave up 24 points or more in 8 games last season.) My guess is…no. Those of you who are promising to approve progress, will be right back here in a year..wondering who to fire next as you swing into the air like a drunken prize fighter.

3) Can Joe Ganz handle the pressure?
No. He can’t. His numbers were a complete sham last season due to the fact that his defense was on the field less than many of your fans were. Can he POSSIBLY handle the pressure of dealing with all 1.8 million of you crazy bastards? No...flippin...way.

2) WWTD?
Yes..what would Tom do? After you realize that dusty trophies and 30 year old pictures hanging on a wall don’t’ win games, what will be the next excuse? What will be next to be "brought back" in order to resurrect the ghosts of the past? The return of Diet Rite to the concession stands? Digging up the dead bones of Bob Devaney and propping him up on the sidelines Weekend and Bernie’s style? Single face masks and helmets with a plain single letter on them? Can't wait to find out.

And the number one question to be answered prior to the season opener:

1) How fast will you turn on Bo Pelini?
Not to say we haven’t heard this song sung before, but you people gave Bill Callahan a five year extension just EIGHT WEEKS before you wanted to run him out of town on a rail. Bo Pelini satisfies the twisted desires of both sides of the Husker Civil war: He’s “old school” enough for the “Frankophiles” and he’s a product of newly generated hype as seen by some of you actually CLAIM he was the reason LSU won the National Title last year. (Ummm, if that crazy bastard Les Miles doesn’t hit the lotto on some of those late game calls last year, Pelini would simply have been known as “Bo that former defensive coordinator that all the LSU fans wanted kicked to the curb.” ) I have my money on week 9, but we shall see.

The season is coming and time to answer these and other questions is running out.

* Still working on the website changes and the upcoming greatest Huskers segment. Stay with me.

Right on Cue

“Hey AJ, how do you do it? How do you keep predicting the actions of Husker fans with pinpoint accuracy?”

Good question. Actually, the biggest part of understanding Husker fans…without (God forbid) becoming one, is to see through the fog of arrogance and understand their motives. Now some of you may have heard this before…and some of you may be relatively new. But for a refresher, lets talk about what drives Husker fans. And no, I’m not talking about family (gag), cohesion, unity or my favorite from Tom Shatel last month... hard work. All that stuff is complete crap…nothing more than a picture painted by people who either don’t understand their own souls, or simply don’t want to admit the truth.

The truth of the matter is, what keeps Husker fan going is their insatiable appetite for recognition and acceptance. Husker fans didn’t commit mass suicide of Guiana proportions last fall, because they believed that in their heart of hearts…it was simply a growing pain. Yes, the great Raider Flunky experiment was nothing more than a way to simply learn life’s lessons, as we bridge our eras of greatness. Oh sure, losing to Oklahoma State 38-0 stinks...but everybody goes through that right? (Uhhhh...not unless you're Bowling Green or San Jose State)

But you and I know different. You and I both know that these people weren’t lying when they honestly believed Bill Callahan would change the face of college football. These people were dead flippin serious when they taunted others about their highly ranked recruiting classes…all the while ignoring the fact that they were led astray by a complete idiot.

So what does this have to do with me being right? What does this have to do with me telling you all sorts of stuff that you already know?

Well like the swallows of Capistrano, almost in one fell swoop….the collective tide is turning here behind the red curtain. Slowly, with all the drama and predictability of a Rocky movie, the Husker nation has collectively…as one…shaken out the cobwebs, and climbed back in teh saddle. Gone are the days of being kicked around. Gone are the short-lived theories and batshit crazy stories about running a “pro factory” and how “other programs are jealous’ (Seriously…what on EARTH made you think running your team like a pro team was going to work? I mean..don’t you think somebody would have tried that by now? What the hell is wrong with you?) I've heard more positive outlooks on Husker football this week than I've heard in the past 7 months combined. The whining has stopped. The complaining has faded. Hopes are rising. Myopia is once again clogging the brains of the ignorant.

So thankfully…for the mercy of my own soul…the march of war echoes again faintly in the distance. The gridiron clashes are still months away, but the sound is distinct. Oh sure, instead of cannons and bombs they’re now wielding chopsticks from Hu Hot and a slingshot made out of Birchwood…but damnit, right on cue…Husker fan has picked himself up off the mat, dusted themselves off..and headed right back down the road to perdition…..just as I said they would.

I thank you for sticking with me these last five months or so before I go on the attack again. It was quiet and it was borderline maddening…but I can assure you…they are about to return….and right on time. And rest assured, I will be here to deal with them once again.

Let the summer begin.
Let the hype begin to slowly boil again
Let the myopic vision of red-clad millions begin their long road to madness.

We’ve been waiting for you guys.

Welcome back.

** Real quick on the new stadium for Omaha…

I know I get a bum rap about “hating Omaha” and “hating the College World Series. And yes, the people who run that tournament are still evil, twisted and would saw a 5 year old in half with a hacksaw if it meant busting them for illegal t-shirt sales. But damnit, props to the city of Omaha for having some vision and getting the new stadium done.

Oh sure, some idiotic “lunatic fringe” of "Save Rosenblatt" as Husker Mike calls them have tried to make things interesting, but in the end, I think it was pretty safe to see that if Omaha didn’t make a drastic step to keep the series, the NCAA would have pulled out of here without so much as a wet nap and a kiss goodbye.

To those who helped get it done (other than MECA…who still sucks)…bravo.
To those who tried and stop them…I guess some extra hours working in the Wal-Mart outdoors department will have to supplement that $5,000 bucks you earned each summer parking cars on your lawn…..money you were only going to spend on crack cocaine or rims for your 1989 bass tracker boat trailer anyway.

** Coming up soon…the 10 greatest Huskers of all time. Stay tuned and have a great weekend.

Death by Data

Last week, South Park aired an episode that poked fun at our reliance on the internet. It kind of got me thinking that it wasn’t really THAT long ago, that e-mail was just something that tech-nerds used to break down binary code and trade Dungeons and Dragons strategies. But alas, America Online came along, and the world was well on its way to complete and total online reliance.

Now needless to say, I’m not going to go on some Unabomber rampage about the dangers of technology. I personally enjoy my internet radio, my ability to pinpoint directions on a digital globe at the touch of a button and yes…the chance it has given me to rail on the biggest collection of arrogant sports fans on the planet.

But with all of the great things the internet has given us, it has equally inflicted us with annoying and devastating side effects. Sure, I could mention things like porn addiction, gambling sites and hell…even Al Qaeda uses the internet to post beheadings to the masses. (Who of course, eat them up and broadcast them all over.) But in this case, I’m talking about an overabundance of information that has engulfed our brains and taken over our lives.

Enter this weekend’s NFL draft.

Back in the day, ESPN still took up ½ a day to break down all the things that make the NFL great. Back then, we relied on Mel Kiper and whatever other talking head as they babbled on, showering us with information and splashy and fancy graphics.

But today, that just simply isn’t enough. Just as with the idiotic onslaught of data that has bombarded us regarding the inexact science known as recruiting….the information age has now ruined the NFL draft as well. How so you ask? I don’t mind when Mel Kiper rambles on, because I know that’s his job. But what I don’t need is every single fan, yayhoo, nutjob and local radio hack to preach about how much they know. (CoughMikelSevereCough)

I’m not sure what it is about the future telling business that gets on my nerves so much. Perhaps it’s because I don’t physically NEED football 12 months a year. Yes, the off-season is too long, but I really don’t need to be sitting in my basement on a Saturday morning in April, breaking down the abilities of the 4th rated offensive lineman that may or may not get picked up by the Bills.

It’s not that I simply don’t care…it’s that I’m annoyed as all hell that you care so goddamn much.

Regardless, the abundance of digital information is never going to go away, and the microgeeks that warship numbers, stats and data will stick around forever as well. But that doesn’t mean I can’t long for the good ole days, when every clown, dick and Husker fan wasn’t peppering me with the vital statistics of some dude who will be cut by the first week of camp, and end up sitting the bench in the Arena League. You may have that sort of time and drive…but apparently I don’t.

** The draft did produce some funny moments for me though. Remember 365 days ago when you people were preaching to anybody who would listen how great the senior combo of J.C. Keller, Mo Purify and Corey McKeon were and how they were poised to roll over the Big 12 on their way to Canton and a big crystal trophy? Funny how time changes things huh? Good luck to them in training camp where they will battle it out for precious practice squad playing time. Or, good luck to them at UPS driver training school….whichever comes first.

** Speaking of me being right all of the time about the Huskers, nice to see the Hick nation getting some love from the “National Press” regarding what a bang-up job Bo is doing to whip the Huskers back into shape this spring.

Now I hate to be the voice of reason here (again), and I’m certainly not going to break up the big myopic pajama party you got going on now that Bill Callahan has been ceremoniously kicked to the curb. But just why in the hell are we supposed to believe anything like this?

I’m serious…the rest of us have spent the better part of FOUR (Plus) seasons, reading national reports about what a great job Callahan is doing, and how the program is moving into the next century. We saw ridiculously high pre-season rankings that you wouldn’t be able to live up to in 1,000,000 years. We saw Tom Lemming and other ‘experts’, blather on about how your great “tradition” is going to pull you through the tough times.

Are you this dumb? NOBODY outside of me knew what was really going on here…what on earth makes you think that the National media knows anything about your pseudo resurgence? And most importantly, why are you people actually FALLING for this again? Why on earth would you put ANY stock into ANYTHING anybody from the national media says about you? Why don’t you listen to somebody who actually knows you and deals with your shit every day?

And I’ll say this again, my job is actually easier when you have some success. The past year or so…as rewarding as it’s been to watch you destroy yourselves…has been extremely difficult in a business sense. What I need is for you to start believing again. I need you is to start making even more ridiculous claims that can be openly mocked by the rest of us. For the sake of this blog and my sanity…I need you to act…well…like you.

Come to think of it…forget everything I've said over the past few years.

You’re great.

Don’t listen to me.