An open letter to Husker Fan

Dear Husker fan,

By now you have probably figured out that my true feelings for you are less than reverent. My actions and/or words may have given you the hint that unlike those around you, I do not share your personal admiration or devotion to your favorite thing in the world, your beloved Nebraska Cornhuskers.

As yet another season is set to kick-off this weekend, you may ask yourself, “How could he hate us? We’re the greatest fans in America. We clap for the losing team when they leave our field. We know everything there is to know about recruiting, even for teams in the Sun Belt…because that’s just how smart we are.” “How on earth could you despise people who are so good, so pure and so outstanding in the art of being a fan?”

I hate you not for what you do, but for who you are. I hate you for how you say things, not what you say. I hate for what you stand for, not what you think you represent.

Let me give you an example. Today at work, I chose to wear an old Florida State T-Shirt that I got in Tampa a few years back. It is nothing special, just an FSU arrowhead with the Seminole logo on the front. Simple. Plain. Grey. In the first 30 minutes at work, I received no fewer than SEVEN comments of how I could wear such a horrible shirt. One manager even told me to leave his office until I went home and changed. That leaves me to this inevitable question: WHEN THE HELL DID FLORIDA STATE become Nebraska’s rival? The two teams haven’t played in 14 years. They’re separated by 1,234 miles. Their fans rarely cross paths if ever. They’re in different conferences in completely different regions of the country. IOWA STATE has beaten Nebraska more times than Florida State has in the past 14 years, and they are in the same DIVISION. Yet nonetheless, Husker fan has decided that the shirt I am wearing is inappropriate, and deserves to be compared to wearing a Derek Jeter jersey in downtown Boston.

Did I miss something? Why in the hell would a Husker fan despise Florida State so much? Did Bobby Bowden drop the wood to Nancy Osborne back in college? Did the two teams play recently and I just missed it? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS is the reason I hate Nebraska football so much.

It is the absurd arrogance and complete obliviousness to the outside world that sets you apart from other crappy fans. You expect the world to bow to your feet, just because you live in the middle of nowhere, and happen to root for the only game in your one horse town. You feel that you should be given some sort of respect because you can name off some sixth-grader in Idaho who wore a Nebraska baseball cap to school once and runs a 4.8 40 yard dash. You feel you should be given some lifetime exemption into the great-fans-hall-of-fame because Tom Osborne foolishly decided to go for two in the Orange Bowl in 1983. You feel that the traveling band of overall-toting, foam cornhead-wearing, howdy doody look alikes that attend road games in mass deserve some sort of uber-respect…when in fact they only travel because #1 – they win and #2 – there is NOTHING else to do in Nebraska. You feel you should be given credit because 76,000 people are going to show up on Saturday to watch a college sporting event against the University of Maine.

I hate you on so many levels, it is impossible to put into a single manifesto.

I hate how you make up positions for your team like “Rush End”. I hate the word “blackshirts”. I hate how you brag about doing things “the right way”, and yet when yet another one of your players gets arrested for beating a girl in the face, they “need football in their life.” I hate how Johnny Rogers won a Heisman trophy 25 years ago and he’s STILL on 4 commercials a night here. I hate how you blame everybody else for your problems. I hate your used car salesman of an Athletic Director. I hate Jim Rose and the way he calls football helmets “Bonnets” on the radio. I hate how you call teams like Oklahoma and Iowa State “F’ing hicks”, yet your own mascot wears overalls and has an ear of corn sticking out of his pocket. I hate how you claim to be the greatest fans on earth, yet you only draw 5,000 fans for home basketball games. I hate how 93% of this state is about to elect a guy from Hastings as governor next year because he won 700 football games. I hate Barry’s. I hate the seed sower. I hate Big Red Wrap-up on the radio. I hate Adrian Fiala. I hate that ugly cement sh*thole you call a stadium. I hate Lincoln and it’s pretty safe to say that I hate you. I hate that your weathermen on TV have to put disclaimers on their bios that say, “Although Bill is from Florida, he is an avid Husker fan.”

And WHY might you ask would one person hold such strong feelings toward a team that is not his own? Simple really: Because I live among you. I see it every single day, from the time I hit the road in the morning to go to work…until I watch the news at night. I see examples of your arrogance and your hypocrisy nearly 1,000 times every day. (And no. The “Why don’t you move” argument is lame. I’m 33 years old, and I’m not about to up and leave because of a group of 18-22 year olds…no matter how much I despise them)

In closing, despite what you think…the world does not look to you as a shining example of football excellence. In fact…the football world really doesn’t look at you at all anymore…and it just kills you. You’re like the little kid in the back of the interview on the news who is jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air while two people are trying to talk into the camera. Your constant shouts of “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” are tired. They are old. They are as transparent as the day is long. I hope you lose every f***ing game this year. I hope Maine rolls you by 40. I hope your coach calls your squad “the stupidest team in America” again as players need to be restrained from beating him in the locker room. I hope people are leaping from buildings again when you approach loss #5, and realize that you might be in the gutter longer than you realized.

And most of all….I hope that YOU…Husker fan…realize that you are a sham. You are just like any other fan in college football. Happy when you win….pissed off when you lose. You should have known that all those years of running up 66-3 scores against opponents were going to come back to haunt you…and this may be the year. I hope you are prepared for the pain, the despair and the suffering that goes with cheering for a losing football team, because quite frankly (pun..get it?)…your time has come.

May god have mercy on your souls and may Maine put up 50 on your sorry ass defensive backfield.

Thanks,

HH