So Sick of You Already

(The following rant is a bit more vulgar than my usual entries...which is saying quite a bit. I apologize in advance for those of you offended by such things. Proceed with caution. You've been warned)

I would wish you all a happy Father's day last weekend, but I know most of you have never kissed a girl, let alone reproduced yourselves. With that being said, I hope your dad came in early from the fields, smelling of anhydrous, able to spend just a few seconds with you before falling asleep in his easy chair just after the opening credits of Austin City Limits.

Why so bitter today you ask?

Perhaps it's the time of year. The off-season has gone on for nearly 6+ months...everything that needed to be discussed has been. Recruits are signed, schedules long since out. There's nothing really left to talk about except just how great you guys are. Nevermind actual football talk, like who in the hell you're going to plug into your front defensive four to keep teams from recreating Rommel's panzer march across Poland this fall. No, at this time of year, every single recruit is a future All-American. Nope, to you, every single game is winnable. No problems. No issues. Just plenty of time and 70 or so days for you to convince me and other NCAA football fans that we should all just quit, and watch reruns of Celebrity Fit Club, while we wait for the inevitable Husker Championship Celebration that will take place every January 10th or so from now til the end of time.

This is also about the time of year where my patience runs out with you people. I can stand you throughout most of the early months, because your failures and blemishes are still fresh in people's minds. I can even make it through the ridiculous spring game, because for some reason the sight of 50 year old men, sprinting at top speed to get an autograph from a 3rd string 19 year old Cozad native is funny to me.

But it's no longer cute; it's no longer something I can just blow off.

I'm so fucking sick of you people I can't even put it into words. Perhaps it's just the realization that this whole swell of confidence isn't going to go away until...oh..say week 6 or so? Perhaps it's because even a string of public embarrassments, such as Herculean QB's throwing tantrums at girls....or a wide receiver having a blood alcohol content of Boris Yeltsin on a Saturday night while he throws a punch or two or fifty at a bouncer and his girlfriend? Perhaps years and years of putting up with your theories, your holier-than-thou attitude, your "I know more about football than you do because my team is good" bullshit is the reason you're bugging me today?

Whatever it is, go ahead and ramp it up a notch, because this shit isn't going to die down until the 2nd half or so of the USC game, when you finally realize that converted freshmen running backs aren't going to cut it on defense when they have to keep up with USC-caliber wide receivers. Then again, who am I kidding? Even if(when) Nebraska comes out at 3-3, the entire bunch of you idiots are going to start spinning God-knows what kind of propaganda and excuses. I can see it 110+ days away. It's not that tough.

Speaking of you people being idiots..how bout you stop making shit up and claiming things to be better than they are. Stop calling running backs "I-backs". Stop thinking that Jeremy Crabtree can predict the future. (If he could, he'd be in Vegas making billions..instead of stealing 20 bucks a month from people like you and making only millions.)

But most of all, stop holding QB clinics and calling them "Elite". It's being run by a first-year coordinator with zero experience, and the LAST school on earth that should be calling their QB's "elite" is you. This is ESPECIALLY true when the only reason you're publicizing it is to reassure your hotshot new recruit that he is in fact the greatest QB in high school right now...even though he finished the year ranked 20th in QB rating in the state of Missouri and threw for a whopping 1500 yards. (My grandma could throw for 1500 yards in 3A.)

Unfortunately for me, I'm going to have to deal with your shit for at least another 3 months...or right about the time Patrick Turner is burning Andre Jones for the 15th time in the first quarter. Either way, it's going to be an unpleasant summer for those of us who wish to deal with sane and rational people who don't expect miracles from a team that got where it was last year by wrapping their arms around their opponent in the 2nd quarter, and staying away from jabs and uppercuts. (A classic tactic by those who know they are overmatched).

So since we're kinda stuck with each other, please feel free to dazzle me. Dazzle me with your bullshit stories about how JC Keller could play in the AFC Central right now. Dazzle me with how Marlon Lucky is supposed to the durable workhorse of the West Coast offense, while being backed up by a bunch of question marks anointed by Tom Lemming as the greatest athlete the world has seen since the gladiators left Rome. DAZZLE me with how Wake Forest is a pushover. WOW me with your knowledge of how USC lost everybody (yet again), and how the home field advantage will give you an edge. (Don't forget, against teams like Missouri, home field means nothing...yet against USC..who has played in every big game there is...Larry the Cable Guy and his 80,000 minions are supposed to strike fear into them.) Then again, Callahan may grab the rope and hold on for deal life once again.

I can't wait to see what sort of shit you people come up with by mid-summer.