From Sad to Pathetic

So... like you, I watched KU completely humiliate the defense formerly known as “blackshirts” with ease and disdain usually saved for 1-AA teams. (And usually not administered by fraudulent teams such as Kansas). As the game began, I saw Joe Ganz battling, I saw Mo Purify actually making some great catches, and appear to actually want to be there. I saw players who apparently were highly touted in high school, make some plays and battle back against a superior, yet incredibly overrated football team.

But then adversity reared it's ugly head. Watching the next 3+ hours, you would think I would feel sorry or pity for a team and a fan base that has been so good for so long. Despite my hatred for all things red, this season my hatred for all things red and blue (and that stupid yellow..who the hell throws yellow in there?) is even hotter. Even so, didn't you find it the slightest bit sad to see people who care that much, get beat so badly?

So on Saturday, what does Nebraska do? So what do the Huskers do this ONE time in 20+ years where for three measly hours, I am silently rooting for a Husker win? (to help out my own team, who is rolling) What happens when I become a Husker fan for three hours when I need you the most? What happens the ONE time I need you to come through?

You all quit.

When all this started, it was kinda sad. As much as I hate to admit it...even I felt a bit sadness and pity for NU fans and players, as they obviously lost their way in mid October. You could see the hurt in players eyes, you could see the coaches actually attempting to try and rectify things…all of the things you would think a “traditional power” would do in times of adversity. But beyond even my wildest forecast, you people have done something in scale and mass unparalled in college football history. You have given up, on the field and off. You have completely conceded the season without a shred of dignity..a shred of respect or even a shred self-worth.

Thanks a hell of a lot.

Before this made me kinda sad and indifferent. Now it’s really pissing me off.

You are now the French army of college football. If this sport was warfare, you would have thrown your hands up, laid down your weapons and walked yourself to the POW camp before the battle even started. If Memorial Stadium was the Champs Elysees, enemy teams would be waltzing through the west stadium football offices, taking staplers, pictures and pretty much anything they wanted, as Husker employees, coaches and fans hid in the closets, hoping not to get caught.

This is what happens when you don’t face a shred of adversity in 40 years. This is what happens when you politely clap for visiting teams, and brag to anyone with a notepad or camera about how gracious you are. You cowards and your team have the battle-tested will of a miniature poodle. You frogs have the spunk and fire of a Cub Scout den mother in Des Moines. I have never in my life…in 30+ years of watching and following sports seen a team, a program and a fan base quit and give up faster than you people. And no, whining about your coach does not make you care. Selling out your shitty grey stadium just to leave in the second quarter and complain to the fat bastard next to you whom you’ve sat with for 25 years does not make you a great fan.

It makes you a quitter, plain and simple.

If you had even a spec of human decency…if you had even an ounce of wills, all 1.8 million of you would be camped out at Tom Osborne’s door with a pen and a briefcase full of cash. What’s that? You don’t think the fans have anything to do with it? You think the coaches are solely responsible for their players quitting? My ass they are. YOU have created this holier-than-thou environment over the past four decades. YOU are the ones who fire coaches for going 9-3. YOU are the ones who call “suffering” a 30 point loss to Georgia Tech in 1992. Boo flippin hoo. This is as much your fault as anybody’s. You win as one, you die as one. And in this case, you throw down your weapons and cry like a little girl as one.

And I haven’t even MENTIONED the embarrassment you’ve bestowed upon other teams. A 41-6 assblasting of NU last month now actually HURTS Missouri because they didn’t beat you worse. The entire conference strength of schedule rating has plummeted because you and your sorry coaches don’t care enough to even try anymore. Teams like Texas A&M and Oklahoma State who were actually happy that they beat you in Lincoln, now only shrug weakly at the accomplishment you have taken from them.

Trust me on this. You taunt me and others like me for following a shitty team for the past 30 years. But what you don’t realize is that all of those tough seasons have made me appreciate magical seasons like the one Missouri is having right now. I know what’s it’s like to lose 77-0. I know what it’s like to listen to my team get throttled on the radio by 50. I know what it’s like to go into a game knowing you have absolutely no shot in hell of winning a game.

But at least I didn’t quit. Even when I have every right and reason to shut this blog down forever and declare victory, I know deep down that we’ll be right back here in a few months, because you don’t know any better.

All of those years my team played the Mighty Huskers, I still sparred with my co-workers, because I knew that despite being out gunned and out manned, my team would at least never quit. I knew that if the stars aligned the right way and the moon suddenly turned red…that my team may have a shot. Even though they came up short time and time again, I never lost faith that some day…some magical season within my lifetime…my team would take me from the sewer to a great season. And when that happened, I would enjoy every second of it, because I know what it’s like to suck. This has now happened, and I’m doing just that…all thanks to decades of toughing it out and being proud of supporting a team I call my own.

You on the other hand have no idea how to act. Tom Shatel is screaming every other day about a different person who needs to be fired. The local news is doing stories on how nobody wants to go to Husker Hounds anymore an by red t-shirts. Boo hoo, ratings are down for the NU broadcasts. Every single person I talk to says the same thing, “I don’t care anymore. They suck”. Hell, look at some of the most venomous fans who leave comments on this blog? Where are many of them now? Deer hunting? Watching DVD’s?

Sports are defined by competition, rivalry and character. You ask any coach on earth, in any sport and they’ll all tell you the same thing, “I can teach my team more after a loss than I ever could after a win.” That principle is exactly why you have gone from sad to absolutely pathetic.

And yes…if this column doesn’t piss you off to no end, then you’re even worse off than I thought. Most of you probably really won’t care anyway…as long as the current coaching staff is employed and the current cast of losers is taking the field in your uniforms. When that happens, you'll be right back where you were, blowing it off as bad luck and not learning a G*d damn thing from the opportunity that losing has provided.

I feel sorry for you no more.

Enjoy the pain ya quitters.



(Photo thanks, Lincoln Journal Star and some crappy Lawerence rag)

Where the Hell am I?

What planet is this?

Step out of your skin for one moment. Set down your 1971 National Championship mug and listen to me for one second. On this day, in late October 2007, not only is Nebraska 4-5…but Kansas AND Missouri are both in the top 10, headed to a showdown of hate and rage, the likes of which this nation hasn’t seen since the days of Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.

Due to this fact, you’ll have to excuse me if I’ve been knocked a little bit off kilter by all of this. For you see, this is not just one case of absurdity, but of three. Oh sure, I always knew Nebraska would fall off the face of the earth with a gigantic splat that you could plainly hear in Tajikistan. But I was never really sure if Missouri could take that next step. And I’ll be honest, I thought the Keebler Elves would fly out of my ass whistling show tunes before I saw Kansas in the top 10 again.

It’s kind of the same feeling you would get walking out to your mailbox on a cold Sunday morning, and watching Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny cruise by in an IROC. Or perhaps it would be like flipping on the TV and watching the Barry Bonds Christmas Telethon for Easter Seals. Or maybe even flipping on Sportscenter and NOT seeing a story about the Red Sox or Yankees within the first 10 minutes.

So now what? We know Nebraska is royally screwed, regardless of what underwhelming yayhoo they slog in here in front of the cameras next month, with the same pomp and circumstance that goes with the election of a new pope or the crowning of Miss America. But does that mean the season has failed to produce intrigue?

Enter the Border War.

I’ve tried to explain to you people that this is not a soapbox for me to stand on to preach high and low about how great my favorite team is. I’m well aware that at any moment, the mighty Tigers can give up 8 turnovers and splatter on the ground to the deafening tones of “They pulled a Mizzou again.” But this season..and this week especially, I am faced with a dilemma that has only been seen in my worst nightmares.

On Saturday, the team I hate the most goes up against the team I am bound by blood to despise. Worse yet, it is a game that has some of the biggest ramifications to my own team of any game since I was 9. So what the hell is a card carrying Husker hater to do?

Normally when Kansas and Nebraska meet, I root for Al Qaeda. However, I realize that one of these teams has to win, and only one of these teams can lose. I will readily admit however..in a NORMAL year, when Husker fans are crawling out of the woodwork to send me taunts and e-mails about new t-shirts or trophies they made up and gave themselves…I would pull silently for the underdog Jayhawks.

Yet in this bizzaro world, Boston College sits at #2 in the BCS. USC looks completely average. A 1-AA team walked into Michigan Stadium and beat the Weasels. The Red Sox have won 2 of the last 4 World Series’. Missouri is ranked #9 and is 7-1. Jenna Jameson looks every bit the two-bit dishrag you always knew she’d become. (Jesus, have you seen her lately?). And worse yet, I’m left to ponder questions that would make my brain explode any other season but this one.

Kansas or Nebraska?

Hell, even a tie doesn’t help me, since KU would pick up another ½ game in the standings should Missouri slip up against Colorado or K-State in the coming weeks. (I’m assuming that’s OK though, because no way in hell does KU go to Stillwater and win under the lights). Regardless, I must do what’s best for my own team, and hope for the continuation of a strange and wonderful season.

I officially declare that I will not be rooting against Nebraska this Saturday morning when the two teams meet. I therefore let it be known to all that I am simply clutching neutrality, and will accept the fate of whatever team comes out victorious.

I want you to know that this decision does not come easy, nor was it done in haste. I simply believe that you, the fine readers of this blog deserve to know the truth behind a very difficult situation that I find myself in. I’m sure this will not be completely understood, nor will I be able to escape it once the game is complete. However, I am a team player, and must do as every good fan must do..and that is put aside the fact that Nebraska sucks gigantic donkey balls for just 3 short hours out of a lifetime.

If I could gargle in Clorox, I would.
If I could bleach my soul, I would.
If I could jump into a swimming pool full of Listerine, I would do it in an instant.

In this bizzaro world of college football, there are no easy answers…only difficult circumstances.

* On a quick note, I’ve been asked by a few to comment on Sam Keller. Most of you know by now that I don’t attack athletes personally, especially those who have their career’s cut short due to injury. No matter what the situation, you never want to see a player injured, especially before their full allotment of time in the spotlight is over. This goes for Missouri’s Pig Brown as well. Simply wish for them the strength to understand that there is more to life than sports.

It stinks…but it is a part of life.

* Having Peter Gammons report live from the World Series, is like having Mark Mangino lecture me on good eating habits from the floor of a slaughterhouse. ESPN is a giant network, can’t they find ONE baseball analyst who isn’t a diehard Sox fan to slobber all over the most arrogant and genetically easy team to root for in the history of baseball?


(Photo Credit of Fatgino - Lawrence.com, Mizzou pic via Columbia Tribune)