All Quiet on the Nebraska Front

Seriously.

I know I mention this stuff constantly…I know I kid around about wanting you to fail miserably and to catch a wide variety of sexually transmitted diseases….but holy hell..I didn’t think it would be this bad. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the Husker hating movement would go so far as to have no enemy. Never in my greatest imagination did I think I would be able to walk the streets of Omaha..wear my Mizzou shirt proudly, and smirk at the 80 year old hags that waltz by me in the mall with their red sweaters. My team is pretty good. Real good in fact.

Regardless of that, it’s like wishing for something for Christmas…praying to God every night that Santa will come and bring it to you. You throw pennies in every well, you wish upon every star. Every day for a solid year you close your eyes tight, and dream of the moment Santa comes through.

And then…he does.

Then what?
What do I do now?
What do you wish for next?

More importantly, how can you kick a man when he’s down, when he’s already been run over by a tank?

I’m not going to lie to you…I hate your guts. I hate every core and fiber of your being. It makes me tingly to see you in pain and agony…I wear a smile a mile wide when you fail. But at this point…I’m at a loss.

The worst part is, so are you. The Channel 6 news at 6 O’Clock tonight ran TWO Husker highlights. (Both Texas A&M touchdowns.) No interviews. No live shots. No commentary. It was just about the same amount of coverage the Omaha Royals get when they drop a day-night doubleheader to Sacramento. At work Friday there was no red. Not a single Husker shirt...pretty much anywhere. Hell, even talk about Texas A&M was hard to come by. Talk is now of a man (Osborne), not a team. I’m almost convinced that you’re so far gone, even a new coach won’t save you from your fate.

It’s pathetic.
It’s sad.
It’s almost too much.

In 1929, a German author named Erich Maria Remarque wrote a book entitled, “All Quiet on the Western Front.” Later, the book was made into a movie staring that JohnBoy guy from the Walton’s. Anyhow, your predicament reminds me of a very memorable scene in the movie. Paul Baumer has suffered intense mental stress under heavy bombardment during World War 1. Paul goes from an innocent young man, to an animal, caught in the hell of war within a matter of days. Following the bombardment, he finds himself pinned down in a trench with a severely wounded enemy soldier.

The enemy soldier is half-dead and wheezing from mustard gas poisoning. Paul spends nearly a chapter discussing his inner helplessness and thankfulness, as he listens to the enemy soldier gasp, wheeze and literally suffocate to death…slowly..over the period of an entire afternoon. After several hours, Paul nearly goes mad. Although the dying soldier is his enemy, he feels the most basic level of compassion. His thoughts are not to save the dying man, but to figure out somehow..someway to make him stop. To put him out of that misery.

I feel like Paul Baumer in a way. I know you are the enemy. I know you should suffer. I know you deserve exactly what you’re getting…but being witness to a slow and agonizing death is painful and somewhat disturbing. Gone is my desire to watch you suffer. In fact, I don’t even want Texas to beat you next weekend. In fact, if I had one wish for next week..it would be for Harvey Pullman to call another press conference on Monday and say, “Fuck it. We’re pulling the plug.”

Please God, make it stop.

I have no idea where I’m going to go from here. You have zero chance of even winning another game. And after the year is over...even when you finally do get a new coach, it will be years before you even sniff a winning season again. I'm in my mid-30's, I can't just sit here and wait for you to get good again. Don’t get me wrong, there is no sadness in my words. But your pain and suffering is really more annoying, sad and pathetic than humorous and joyous.

If anybody has any good jokes or funny photos they’d like me to post, please send them to me. I’ll be happy to do so. If you would like for me to answer questions or perhaps see how many famous names we can find in the Omaha phone book, we can do that too. Anything I can do to pass the time within this blog site.

However, before we do anything like that, somebody needs to grab a gun and put this creature out of it’s misery.

I can’t stand it anymore. The wheezing is driving me crazy.

(Photo thanks: Lincoln Journal-Star and Some WWI website)

A Hot and Lonely Place

Here near the blast zone, the earth continues to glow under an light grey colored sky. Survivors slowly walk the earth looking for answers. Many hope for death (of their team) as they struggle with the question of “what the hell went wrong?” The white flakes of radiation of slowly come to an end, as the wind howls through the thin wood poles that once stood as trees.

Welcome to Irrelevant-ville, population: You.

How the hell did this happen? How the hell did you people go from talking about BCS bids and “taking the next logical step” one minute…and then giving up 1.3 miles of offense in four games the next? How can a group of fans who were so confident and cocky one minute, turn to despair and misery (heh) the next? I actually heard some callers on the radio yesterday WISHING for their team to lose out so changes can be made.

How in the hell did you fall this far?

Well, there are a few reasons.

First, as I’ve stated many times before…you people bought into the hype that snake oil salesmen like Tom Lemming and Jeremy Crabtree were selling you. What I don’t understand is that if ANYBODY should NOT buy the hype of recruiting, it should be Nebraska fans. Wasn’t it you guys that used to take raw farm boys and nobody’s from all over and made them All-Americans? Wasn’t your walk-on program something of legend at one particular moment in time?

I’m not necessarily buying the whole, “we have athletes, but our coaches are just horrible” thing. Oh don’t get me wrong, Kevin Cosgrove is HORRIBLE, and the moment he is gone, you will have improved your team ten fold. However, there are two huge variables that recruiting services often overlook…leadership and coachability.

If your team lacks natural leaders, even the best coaches won’t help you succeed. Hell, even with my own team…take former Tiger Brad Smith. #16 was an outstanding quarterback…one of the best the program has ever seen, arguably THE best. However, Smith’s offense tended to completely fall apart during crunch time. Why is that considered the coach’s fault? Not that Gary Pinkel doesn’t deserve criticism, but it’s the players on the field who choose to fall apart under pressure..not coaches. If you’re 18 years old, there isn’t enough ranting on earth a coach can do to motivate you…you must do it yourself.

Secondly, the mass love-fest and all-surrounding hysteria that the local media has spread on this program over the past four decades has actually worked against you in this case. The same legions of Husker fans who shower their team with love and affection, have proven to be every bit as impatient and angry as any other fan base who’s entire program and surrounding tradition has been melted into butter. That makes you a big fat red hypocrite in red overalls, and nobody likes that.

Finally, I think I can blame your decent into sporting hell on good old fashion denial. Was it not me who told you that Bill Callahan’s offense had no shot of working in college? Didn’t I tell you that kids today don’t give a shit if you beat Oklahoma in 1971. They don’t care about Christian Peter, Johnny Rogers or anybody else that came before them. That’s not a Husker thing..that’s a society thing. The sooner you get over that, the better off you’ll be. The fact that you idiots think Grant Wistrom can somehow motivate your team with some fiery speech is hilarious.

Regardless of how you got to this barren landscape known as “barely-better-than-Baylor”, you are no doubt here for a while. Are you willing to wait another 3-4 years for your team’s new coach to get his players into “his system?” Do you honestly think your precious reputation is anywhere close to salvageable after firing a 9-3 coach, and then verbally destroying his replacement in less than 4 years?

But, since you’re wallowing in college football purgatory for the foreseeable future, let me give you a few words of advice. Since my team has sucked for so long, I think it’s my duty to pass down these handy tips of cheering for a really shitty team.

1) When arguing with other fans, change the subject to other sports quickly. Since your basketball team sucks too, I suggest talking volleyball smack. Sure, nobody else cares, but it’s better than nothing.

2) Stop getting tattoos of players’ names on your arm. Wait for them to pan out before you go for the ink.

3) Don’t get too excited if you get up 10-14 points in the second half. Now that you’re a losing program, you’ll most likely blow it with penalties, turnovers, or some asshole will kick a ball over his head into the hands of some nobody wide-receiver from the sticks with no time remaining.

4) Don’t look at the Top 25 every Monday. Too depressing.

5) Don’t give Husker gifts. Most likely, your friend or loved one has jumped off the bandwagon and started rooting for South Florida, Rutgers or Cincinnati. Save them the trip to the return counter at Husker Hounds.

6) Don’t waste your time looking for Husker games on TV. They’re not on. They won’t be on next week, and they won’t be on again anytime soon.

7) Don’t go to the spring game. It will just depress you when you can’t even score on yourselves.

8) When playing College Football on Xbox, try using a variety of teams. Most likely, you’re not going to like the ratings for NU when the new game comes out next year.

9) Consider tailgating throughout the game. You’ll most likely have more fun drinking in the parking lot, and let’s face it…you’ll just be leaving midway through the 3rd quarter anyway.

10) When you wear your Husker sweatshirt out of town…those people aren’t laughing at somebody else. They’re laughing at you.

I was going to stop right here..but I probably should keep going. By the time Okie State lays 49 on you at home on Saturday, there probably won’t be any Husker fans left reading this blog.

Oh well…more fun for the rest of us.

Enjoy.