All Quiet on the Nebraska Front

Seriously.

I know I mention this stuff constantly…I know I kid around about wanting you to fail miserably and to catch a wide variety of sexually transmitted diseases….but holy hell..I didn’t think it would be this bad. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the Husker hating movement would go so far as to have no enemy. Never in my greatest imagination did I think I would be able to walk the streets of Omaha..wear my Mizzou shirt proudly, and smirk at the 80 year old hags that waltz by me in the mall with their red sweaters. My team is pretty good. Real good in fact.

Regardless of that, it’s like wishing for something for Christmas…praying to God every night that Santa will come and bring it to you. You throw pennies in every well, you wish upon every star. Every day for a solid year you close your eyes tight, and dream of the moment Santa comes through.

And then…he does.

Then what?
What do I do now?
What do you wish for next?

More importantly, how can you kick a man when he’s down, when he’s already been run over by a tank?

I’m not going to lie to you…I hate your guts. I hate every core and fiber of your being. It makes me tingly to see you in pain and agony…I wear a smile a mile wide when you fail. But at this point…I’m at a loss.

The worst part is, so are you. The Channel 6 news at 6 O’Clock tonight ran TWO Husker highlights. (Both Texas A&M touchdowns.) No interviews. No live shots. No commentary. It was just about the same amount of coverage the Omaha Royals get when they drop a day-night doubleheader to Sacramento. At work Friday there was no red. Not a single Husker shirt...pretty much anywhere. Hell, even talk about Texas A&M was hard to come by. Talk is now of a man (Osborne), not a team. I’m almost convinced that you’re so far gone, even a new coach won’t save you from your fate.

It’s pathetic.
It’s sad.
It’s almost too much.

In 1929, a German author named Erich Maria Remarque wrote a book entitled, “All Quiet on the Western Front.” Later, the book was made into a movie staring that JohnBoy guy from the Walton’s. Anyhow, your predicament reminds me of a very memorable scene in the movie. Paul Baumer has suffered intense mental stress under heavy bombardment during World War 1. Paul goes from an innocent young man, to an animal, caught in the hell of war within a matter of days. Following the bombardment, he finds himself pinned down in a trench with a severely wounded enemy soldier.

The enemy soldier is half-dead and wheezing from mustard gas poisoning. Paul spends nearly a chapter discussing his inner helplessness and thankfulness, as he listens to the enemy soldier gasp, wheeze and literally suffocate to death…slowly..over the period of an entire afternoon. After several hours, Paul nearly goes mad. Although the dying soldier is his enemy, he feels the most basic level of compassion. His thoughts are not to save the dying man, but to figure out somehow..someway to make him stop. To put him out of that misery.

I feel like Paul Baumer in a way. I know you are the enemy. I know you should suffer. I know you deserve exactly what you’re getting…but being witness to a slow and agonizing death is painful and somewhat disturbing. Gone is my desire to watch you suffer. In fact, I don’t even want Texas to beat you next weekend. In fact, if I had one wish for next week..it would be for Harvey Pullman to call another press conference on Monday and say, “Fuck it. We’re pulling the plug.”

Please God, make it stop.

I have no idea where I’m going to go from here. You have zero chance of even winning another game. And after the year is over...even when you finally do get a new coach, it will be years before you even sniff a winning season again. I'm in my mid-30's, I can't just sit here and wait for you to get good again. Don’t get me wrong, there is no sadness in my words. But your pain and suffering is really more annoying, sad and pathetic than humorous and joyous.

If anybody has any good jokes or funny photos they’d like me to post, please send them to me. I’ll be happy to do so. If you would like for me to answer questions or perhaps see how many famous names we can find in the Omaha phone book, we can do that too. Anything I can do to pass the time within this blog site.

However, before we do anything like that, somebody needs to grab a gun and put this creature out of it’s misery.

I can’t stand it anymore. The wheezing is driving me crazy.

(Photo thanks: Lincoln Journal-Star and Some WWI website)

Tom Foolery

With all the pageantry, flair and electricity of a rock concert, Tom Osborne burst back onto the public stage in Lincoln today, with every bit of the charisma and flamboyance that followed him throughout his 36 year career at Nebraska. Like a great prizefighter strutting out of retirement one last time, TO took on the media and public with a zeal and moxy that would cause the finest gunslinger to blink.

“Harvey called me on Sunday, and I said yeah sure”

And so Tom-mapalooza part II begins.

I’m going to warn you guys now. I know in dealing with many of you for quite some time, that some of you simply cannot mentally handle what I’m about to explain. In most cases, I fear that if you read through this entire column, your eyes will begin to bulge, your skull will swell, and eventually your brain matter will be splattered across your cubicle walls.

I don’t need that kind of guilt..and because of that..if you are a Husker fan who takes offense at these sort of things….you might want to click the X right about now. As for the rest of you....

First off, let me be frank. I believe Tom Osborne dedicated his life to teaching and coaching young men. I believe he’s a relatively honest guy, with conservative values, who honors commitments and knows the game of football. But unfortunately for you, Tom is very very good at making very very bad decisions.

Now, in your time of greatest need, you have turned to Dr. Tom to save you from the pain and agony of living with that nuclear fallout. Instead of finding a solid sports administrative personality to lead you out of the bowels of hell, you bought time, and took the easy way out. Instead of going to the cardiologist, you decided to pop a couple of Tums, and let the sharp pain in your chest ease itself away. I’m here to tell you now…the pain isn’t going anywhere.

Osborne is the face of the university, and for many of you idiots..the entire state. But unfortunately, this is the guy who is going to have to make some MAJOR decisions regarding your future. And as we’ve seen in the past…Dr. Tom is absolutely horrible at making decisions, especially when he has you in the palm of his hand.

Don’t believe me?

How smart do you think a guy is who..with the National Title on the line…goes for the two point conversion for the win instead of a tie. Sounds like the rock-solid, noble Dr. Tom you’ve grown to love right? Yeah, that’s fine..except the idiot decided to roll out Turner Gill and have him throw on the run in triple coverage. Meanwhile, he has a Heisman caliber running back…a great fullback and averaged about 11 yards a rush during the regular season.

Bad decision.

Or how about the time when the media spotlight shined on Lincoln for different reasons. Dr. Tom was getting his brains beat in during the late 80s and early 90s by quicker, more athletic teams from down south. Apparently playing in the horrible Big 8 wasn’t preparing you for the speed that was going to school in other places. So what happens to the honorable program that has always done things “the right way”? They win some ½ national titles by heading to the back of a police car 26 times in 5 years. Meanwhile, Osborne makes all of Nebraska proud by having all-round thug and a-hole Lawrence Phillips stick around…just in time for the Colorado game. “Lawrence needs football in his life.” No. Lawrence needed an orange jumpsuit in his life.

Bad decision.

And finally, who can forget Dr. Tom’s seemingly unstoppable run at the governorship a couple years ago. TO decided that ignoring real problems and going after sports bookies, agents and steroids (ironic) would better serve the people who elected him to congress..instead of tackling drought relief, farm stimulus packages and help for the unemployed. Regardless, I’m sure his fellow congressmen had a great time on the golf course listening to TO recall fond memories of Hula Bowls and Spring drills. So what does Tom do when he wants to be governor? Decides not to take a position on anything and basically run on the platform of, “Hey…you know me. Elect me. Thanks”

Bad decision.

From saying no to porn, to helping thugs like Christian Peter through college..Tom Osborne has always been about doing the wrong thing, if even for the right reasons. As I stated yesterday, you simply had to get rid of Pederson. I know that. I stated that long ago. But throwing a band-aid at your severed jugular vein isn’t going to help you pull yourself out of the deep shit you find yourself in today. He did it when he chose Frank Solich. He did it when he backed Steve Pederson. He will certainly do it again, now that he’s 10 years closer to senility.

Once more..step out of your body and think for a moment…

Do you think TO is going to be ruthless and start whacking unfit coaches and staff in order to do what’s best for the university? Or is Dr. Tom going to be fair and steady, while being loyal to those who have been loyal to him? Once again, not the worst trait on earth to have..but certainly not one I would want as the guy who has to pick my leaders…especially when my last one was a douche.

So what does this mean for you and me?

Well, most likely, many of you will head back in Doc’s Delorean and go back to 1997 where the good times live under some rock under a shrub. You’ll break out your old newspaper clippings, see Tom’s smiling face on TV, and get that warm fuzzy feeling that all is right with the world. Meanwhile, coaches with 1/100th the scruples and ethics will brutalize and pillage him and his 1980’s ways….and that goes for whatever former-Husker retread he ends up hiring as coach down the road as well.

The whole thing is sad actually. It’s like going back to your childhood home, and finding your basketball hoop fallen over and your favorite swing set from your childhood sitting in ruins. Yeah, it’s nice to see it again, but there’s no way it will ever be the same. You chose TO because you needed to feel better. You chose TO because it was the easy way out. You chose TO, because you don’t know any better, and you don’t know where to turn.

But then again, how bad of a choice could he really make?

Self Entitlement Lives Here

I was putting off today’s column in hopes that “big news” would come out of Lincoln today. However, much like a Husker opening drive…nothing is happening. Despite the stagnation of any sort of humorous news, there are still a couple of things that are bugging me.

Much like watching Faces of Death, the gruesome events of the past few weeks, begs more questions than answers. Like why did that guy stand so close to that grizzly bear? Why did that bungee cord not have a safety harness?. And why in the hell do Husker fans keep bringing up the same stupid phrase over and over and over:

“We need a coach who understands Husker pride”

Seriously, what the hell does that mean?

Does that mean a coach who once wore a red tie to a press conference? Does that mean, a coach that can name a former Husker coach other than Tom Osborne? Just where in the hell do you expect to find this person?

This is where your geographic ignorance kicks in. This is where your self-indulgent “look at us” attitude falls flat. Truth be told, NOBODY has even noticed you (prior to this year’s completely unearned press of being “back”) in years. You disappeared from the National radar, right about the time Jeremy Shockey was catching yet another TD pass in the Rose Bowl, as commentators and fans around the world snickered at how a team could finish second in their division…but play for a national title.

“Understand Husker pride?”

With that line of thinking…the ONLY coaches that you will be satisfied with, is either a return of Tom Osborne, or if they dig up the body of Bob Devaney, and prop him up weekend-at-Bernie’s style. Who the hell do you think fits that bill if not those two? Turner Gill? Scott Frost? Tommie Frazier? Grant Wistrom? Does "Husker pride" trump experience and coaching ability? Think about that for a moment.

Your knee-jerk reaction to all of this is going to cause you all WAY more harm than good, in the fact that you are going with your heart instead of your head. You know that little voice in the back of your head don't you? He's the one that says, “Who cares if he destroyed an NFL team, he’s a genius!”. Are you willing to roll the dice on an unproven and untested coach, just so he “understands” the “Husker tradition”? I’m pretty sure Frank Solich “understood” the “Husker tradition”, and you ran him out of town on a rail. Weren’t those “old school” guys, the same guys you were pissed at for being “out of touch” with today’s athlete?

This is the dumbest G*d damn thing I’ve ever heard..and that’s quite a statement coming from the same people who asked, “Is Marlon Lucky a Heisman candidate?” after week #1. Once again, you are your own worst enemy, carrying expectations far beyond reasonable. And let the record show, it’s going to take 2-3 years AT LEAST just to dig yourself out of the hole you are currently in…and that’s on the 50/50 odds that your new coach ends up being worth a damn. (That’s certainly not guaranteed)

Do you people even know what you want? At what point does the self-entitlement end? What the hell makes you any different than Penn State, Alabama, Oklahoma or Notre Dame? Why are you immune to the troubles that have caught up with these programs at one point or another?

This is what I meant by nuclear winter. To dig yourself out of a crater this big is going to be a near miraculous task. I’m not saying it won’t happen…but it is going to take YEARS…even decades to get back to a level of your own satisfaction. And once again..if/when the next coach fails..you’ll have yourselves once again to blame come.

Well, either you or Frank Solich.

Something tells me this week is going to be even better than last. Regardless, let the record show that the rest of us are having a hell of a time laughing at your expense.

A Hot and Lonely Place

Here near the blast zone, the earth continues to glow under an light grey colored sky. Survivors slowly walk the earth looking for answers. Many hope for death (of their team) as they struggle with the question of “what the hell went wrong?” The white flakes of radiation of slowly come to an end, as the wind howls through the thin wood poles that once stood as trees.

Welcome to Irrelevant-ville, population: You.

How the hell did this happen? How the hell did you people go from talking about BCS bids and “taking the next logical step” one minute…and then giving up 1.3 miles of offense in four games the next? How can a group of fans who were so confident and cocky one minute, turn to despair and misery (heh) the next? I actually heard some callers on the radio yesterday WISHING for their team to lose out so changes can be made.

How in the hell did you fall this far?

Well, there are a few reasons.

First, as I’ve stated many times before…you people bought into the hype that snake oil salesmen like Tom Lemming and Jeremy Crabtree were selling you. What I don’t understand is that if ANYBODY should NOT buy the hype of recruiting, it should be Nebraska fans. Wasn’t it you guys that used to take raw farm boys and nobody’s from all over and made them All-Americans? Wasn’t your walk-on program something of legend at one particular moment in time?

I’m not necessarily buying the whole, “we have athletes, but our coaches are just horrible” thing. Oh don’t get me wrong, Kevin Cosgrove is HORRIBLE, and the moment he is gone, you will have improved your team ten fold. However, there are two huge variables that recruiting services often overlook…leadership and coachability.

If your team lacks natural leaders, even the best coaches won’t help you succeed. Hell, even with my own team…take former Tiger Brad Smith. #16 was an outstanding quarterback…one of the best the program has ever seen, arguably THE best. However, Smith’s offense tended to completely fall apart during crunch time. Why is that considered the coach’s fault? Not that Gary Pinkel doesn’t deserve criticism, but it’s the players on the field who choose to fall apart under pressure..not coaches. If you’re 18 years old, there isn’t enough ranting on earth a coach can do to motivate you…you must do it yourself.

Secondly, the mass love-fest and all-surrounding hysteria that the local media has spread on this program over the past four decades has actually worked against you in this case. The same legions of Husker fans who shower their team with love and affection, have proven to be every bit as impatient and angry as any other fan base who’s entire program and surrounding tradition has been melted into butter. That makes you a big fat red hypocrite in red overalls, and nobody likes that.

Finally, I think I can blame your decent into sporting hell on good old fashion denial. Was it not me who told you that Bill Callahan’s offense had no shot of working in college? Didn’t I tell you that kids today don’t give a shit if you beat Oklahoma in 1971. They don’t care about Christian Peter, Johnny Rogers or anybody else that came before them. That’s not a Husker thing..that’s a society thing. The sooner you get over that, the better off you’ll be. The fact that you idiots think Grant Wistrom can somehow motivate your team with some fiery speech is hilarious.

Regardless of how you got to this barren landscape known as “barely-better-than-Baylor”, you are no doubt here for a while. Are you willing to wait another 3-4 years for your team’s new coach to get his players into “his system?” Do you honestly think your precious reputation is anywhere close to salvageable after firing a 9-3 coach, and then verbally destroying his replacement in less than 4 years?

But, since you’re wallowing in college football purgatory for the foreseeable future, let me give you a few words of advice. Since my team has sucked for so long, I think it’s my duty to pass down these handy tips of cheering for a really shitty team.

1) When arguing with other fans, change the subject to other sports quickly. Since your basketball team sucks too, I suggest talking volleyball smack. Sure, nobody else cares, but it’s better than nothing.

2) Stop getting tattoos of players’ names on your arm. Wait for them to pan out before you go for the ink.

3) Don’t get too excited if you get up 10-14 points in the second half. Now that you’re a losing program, you’ll most likely blow it with penalties, turnovers, or some asshole will kick a ball over his head into the hands of some nobody wide-receiver from the sticks with no time remaining.

4) Don’t look at the Top 25 every Monday. Too depressing.

5) Don’t give Husker gifts. Most likely, your friend or loved one has jumped off the bandwagon and started rooting for South Florida, Rutgers or Cincinnati. Save them the trip to the return counter at Husker Hounds.

6) Don’t waste your time looking for Husker games on TV. They’re not on. They won’t be on next week, and they won’t be on again anytime soon.

7) Don’t go to the spring game. It will just depress you when you can’t even score on yourselves.

8) When playing College Football on Xbox, try using a variety of teams. Most likely, you’re not going to like the ratings for NU when the new game comes out next year.

9) Consider tailgating throughout the game. You’ll most likely have more fun drinking in the parking lot, and let’s face it…you’ll just be leaving midway through the 3rd quarter anyway.

10) When you wear your Husker sweatshirt out of town…those people aren’t laughing at somebody else. They’re laughing at you.

I was going to stop right here..but I probably should keep going. By the time Okie State lays 49 on you at home on Saturday, there probably won’t be any Husker fans left reading this blog.

Oh well…more fun for the rest of us.

Enjoy.

The Sounds of War Grow Louder

As stated more than once in this space, the game this weekend has entered uncharted territory. After years of swirling amid the refuse and debris of college football also-rans, the Missouri football Tigers take to the field on Saturday as favorites over Nebraska for the first time in 38 seasons. Under a dark mid-Missouri sky, the destiny of two separate fan bases will collide.

OK, it doesn’t set up like a Herman Wouk novel, but the chips are down on the proverbial table, as two teams in opposite directions meet in a black pit of noise and hatred in front of the whole world.

As I’ve stated many times before, I take great pride in separating my ability to spearhead the Husker hating movement, while at the same time be an objective fan of my own team. Regardless, I’m constantly reminded by overall wearing folks around here that somehow you’re more of a man if your favorite college football team won a split national title years before you were born.

Despite all of that, I will answer directly to those of you who have asked. For you see, it is quite easy to sit back and fire off insults under the banner of my favorite team. However, in this particular case, I can perfectly tell you why Missouri should win..and it has nothing to do with where I’m from.

Why do I think Mizzou wins? I’ll give you 3 reasons.

1) Yes, both defenses suck. We’ve seen both teams on TV (well, you haven’t, considering the one time Missouri WAS on TV, your scrimmage with Reno Junior High was on at the same time) and it’s plain to see there are gaps on the defensive side of the ball. But regardless of that, there are two main reasons why Missouri’s defense in particular is better. First, turnovers. Despite giving up chunks of yards late in games, the Tigers are 2nd in the Big 12 in turnover margin. (Nebraska is 77th in that category). Secondly all three of Missouri’s bad defensive performances occurred when the game was seemingly in hand. Sure, it’s easy to look at stat sheets and judge, but if you’re 22 years old, and you see you’re up 28-6…aren’t you going to let up a bit? BIG Advantage Tigers. (Did I mention Missouri is ten slots better than Nebraska in terms of points allowed?)

2) Nobody has seen JC Keller in a hostile environment. JC has won TWO road games in his career. (1….2). He beat Wake Forest last month in a very unmemorable performance…and his lone ASU win came at the hands of big bad unranked Oregon State…the same Oregon State that gave up 38 points to Chase Daniel last year. I think it’s pretty obvious that this will be a more hostile crowd than anything Corvallis can come up with, and WAY worse than the picnic at Lake Winston-Salem on a sunny Saturday afternoon. You saw the difference between JC against USC’s first string, and JC when the pressure was off.

3) Speaking of pressure, the GRF™ has been taking fire all season for pathetic performances against Ball State, USC and Iowa State. Do you HONESTLY think that if Missouri wins, Husker fan will sit back and go, “Ya know…Mizzou is a tough team. I wasn’t counting on that as a win.” My ass you weren’t. ALL of you have this marked as a win, and the GRF™ knows it. You blow this game…you are faced with not just theory…but FACT that you’ve not only “gravitated” toward mediocrity, but you’ve done a cannonball into it, naked while holding a can of Busch Light.

Would I be shocked if Nebraska won? Of course not. Need I remind you that a guy once kicked a ball OVER HIS FRICKIN HEAD WITH ZERO TIME LEFT?!?! If you can live through that…if you can stand strong and hold patient 10 more years…you can deal with anything.

God may blast Mizzou fans in the package yet again and my week next week may be long and painful…but in terms of setting the table, your complete destruction has never been more finely packaged. If and when the inevitable does come, do not look for mercy. I think I know Missouri fans well enough to know, there will be no relaxing until the final gun. I look forward to doing everything humanly possible to make sure your stay in the Columbia area is as unpleasant and painful as possible. I look forward to the challenge if anything.

Let the bodies hit the floor.


North:
1) Missouri (4-0): vs. Nebraska
ESPN cameras, 13 hours of tailgating and buildup, Bo Ruud on the other side of the line at linebacker chasing Martin Rucker off the snap. Enough said.

2) Kansas State (3-1) vs. Kansas
I’m extremely impressed with the way Ron Prince has held that team together through transition. However, I still think the Cats are a year away. I may be wrong, but it’s going to take a much bigger win that pansy-ass Kansas to sway me otherwise just yet.

3) Colorado (3-2) at Baylor
I told you. I told you but you never ever listen. Just as with K-State, I don’t expect CU miracles every week. (if OU fields that punt, they come away with a moral victory instead of a real one.) I’m telling you though, if the Buffs can get past K-State in a couple of weeks…look out. They have NU and MU at home.

4) Kansas (4-0) at Kansas State
Can people even confirm KU has played a game yet? For all we know, the games could have been staged and opponents bought off. Now that the Squaks are on TV, we’ll all see just how horrible that early schedule was. (Well, you’ll see it…I’ll be face down in a parking lot somewhere)

5) Nebraska (3-1) at Missouri
Shall we start the “is this a “must win” for Callahan” just yet? After Mizzou, the hicks host two of the top 8 rushing teams in America. And no…they aren’t from the MAC.

6) Iowa State (1-3) at Texas Tech
Gotta admire the Clones for their performance last week. It’s not easy to run up 415 yards against the blackshirts. Oh wait, yes it is. Nevermind.


South
1) Oklahoma (3-1) vs. Texas @ Dallas
I think it’s safe to assume that OU fell victim to putting the car on cruise control last week. For a year, they heard how bad CU was, despite me telling you otherwise. I don’t see that happening again for a while. Texas is going to be bitchslapped in ways few have ever seen.

2) Texas Tech (3-1) vs. Iowa State
I’m sorry K-State fans, Texas is a bigger fraud than Nebraska. (At least I already knew they sucked.)..and thus, I've got Tech at number 2. The Red Raiders lost a wild heartbreaker in a tough environment down in Stillwater. Ask Husker fan if that's easy to do. Pity the poor Clones, who are about to play the part of Andy Dufrane in the laundry room.

3) Texas (3-1) vs. Oklahoma @ Dallas
I’m tempted to drop UT even further. If you look at each game, you really have to wonder why they are ranked so high after struggling with Arkansas State and Central Florida. Not to take anything away from KSU, but this is not anything more than a mediocre team with sharp looking helmets.

4) Oklahoma State (3-2) @ Texas A&M
This is a HUGE game when you think about it. Okie State has been extremely inconsistent, and A&M is reeling after their coach act like a complete moron before their very eyes. If ever there was a time to catch a decent team like the Aggies on the road…this is it.

5) Texas A&M (4-1) vs. Oklahoma State
Your coach did WHAT?!?! Seriously, what on earth is wrong with people. I would have charged those nerds at LEAST 5 grand for that newsletter.

6) Baylor (3-2) vs. Colorado
This is the SECOND weekend in a row I’ve pimped the Bears. They have one of the nation’s better passing offenses, but can’t seem to put up points when it counts. Would anybody be THAT shocked if they stun CU on Saturday? I wouldn’t. (probably won’t happen…but wouldn’t shock me)