Tom Foolery

With all the pageantry, flair and electricity of a rock concert, Tom Osborne burst back onto the public stage in Lincoln today, with every bit of the charisma and flamboyance that followed him throughout his 36 year career at Nebraska. Like a great prizefighter strutting out of retirement one last time, TO took on the media and public with a zeal and moxy that would cause the finest gunslinger to blink.

“Harvey called me on Sunday, and I said yeah sure”

And so Tom-mapalooza part II begins.

I’m going to warn you guys now. I know in dealing with many of you for quite some time, that some of you simply cannot mentally handle what I’m about to explain. In most cases, I fear that if you read through this entire column, your eyes will begin to bulge, your skull will swell, and eventually your brain matter will be splattered across your cubicle walls.

I don’t need that kind of guilt..and because of that..if you are a Husker fan who takes offense at these sort of things….you might want to click the X right about now. As for the rest of you....

First off, let me be frank. I believe Tom Osborne dedicated his life to teaching and coaching young men. I believe he’s a relatively honest guy, with conservative values, who honors commitments and knows the game of football. But unfortunately for you, Tom is very very good at making very very bad decisions.

Now, in your time of greatest need, you have turned to Dr. Tom to save you from the pain and agony of living with that nuclear fallout. Instead of finding a solid sports administrative personality to lead you out of the bowels of hell, you bought time, and took the easy way out. Instead of going to the cardiologist, you decided to pop a couple of Tums, and let the sharp pain in your chest ease itself away. I’m here to tell you now…the pain isn’t going anywhere.

Osborne is the face of the university, and for many of you idiots..the entire state. But unfortunately, this is the guy who is going to have to make some MAJOR decisions regarding your future. And as we’ve seen in the past…Dr. Tom is absolutely horrible at making decisions, especially when he has you in the palm of his hand.

Don’t believe me?

How smart do you think a guy is who..with the National Title on the line…goes for the two point conversion for the win instead of a tie. Sounds like the rock-solid, noble Dr. Tom you’ve grown to love right? Yeah, that’s fine..except the idiot decided to roll out Turner Gill and have him throw on the run in triple coverage. Meanwhile, he has a Heisman caliber running back…a great fullback and averaged about 11 yards a rush during the regular season.

Bad decision.

Or how about the time when the media spotlight shined on Lincoln for different reasons. Dr. Tom was getting his brains beat in during the late 80s and early 90s by quicker, more athletic teams from down south. Apparently playing in the horrible Big 8 wasn’t preparing you for the speed that was going to school in other places. So what happens to the honorable program that has always done things “the right way”? They win some ½ national titles by heading to the back of a police car 26 times in 5 years. Meanwhile, Osborne makes all of Nebraska proud by having all-round thug and a-hole Lawrence Phillips stick around…just in time for the Colorado game. “Lawrence needs football in his life.” No. Lawrence needed an orange jumpsuit in his life.

Bad decision.

And finally, who can forget Dr. Tom’s seemingly unstoppable run at the governorship a couple years ago. TO decided that ignoring real problems and going after sports bookies, agents and steroids (ironic) would better serve the people who elected him to congress..instead of tackling drought relief, farm stimulus packages and help for the unemployed. Regardless, I’m sure his fellow congressmen had a great time on the golf course listening to TO recall fond memories of Hula Bowls and Spring drills. So what does Tom do when he wants to be governor? Decides not to take a position on anything and basically run on the platform of, “Hey…you know me. Elect me. Thanks”

Bad decision.

From saying no to porn, to helping thugs like Christian Peter through college..Tom Osborne has always been about doing the wrong thing, if even for the right reasons. As I stated yesterday, you simply had to get rid of Pederson. I know that. I stated that long ago. But throwing a band-aid at your severed jugular vein isn’t going to help you pull yourself out of the deep shit you find yourself in today. He did it when he chose Frank Solich. He did it when he backed Steve Pederson. He will certainly do it again, now that he’s 10 years closer to senility.

Once more..step out of your body and think for a moment…

Do you think TO is going to be ruthless and start whacking unfit coaches and staff in order to do what’s best for the university? Or is Dr. Tom going to be fair and steady, while being loyal to those who have been loyal to him? Once again, not the worst trait on earth to have..but certainly not one I would want as the guy who has to pick my leaders…especially when my last one was a douche.

So what does this mean for you and me?

Well, most likely, many of you will head back in Doc’s Delorean and go back to 1997 where the good times live under some rock under a shrub. You’ll break out your old newspaper clippings, see Tom’s smiling face on TV, and get that warm fuzzy feeling that all is right with the world. Meanwhile, coaches with 1/100th the scruples and ethics will brutalize and pillage him and his 1980’s ways….and that goes for whatever former-Husker retread he ends up hiring as coach down the road as well.

The whole thing is sad actually. It’s like going back to your childhood home, and finding your basketball hoop fallen over and your favorite swing set from your childhood sitting in ruins. Yeah, it’s nice to see it again, but there’s no way it will ever be the same. You chose TO because you needed to feel better. You chose TO because it was the easy way out. You chose TO, because you don’t know any better, and you don’t know where to turn.

But then again, how bad of a choice could he really make?