October 20, 2007

All Quiet on the Nebraska Front


I know I mention this stuff constantly…I know I kid around about wanting you to fail miserably and to catch a wide variety of sexually transmitted diseases….but holy hell..I didn’t think it would be this bad. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the Husker hating movement would go so far as to have no enemy. Never in my greatest imagination did I think I would be able to walk the streets of Omaha..wear my Mizzou shirt proudly, and smirk at the 80 year old hags that waltz by me in the mall with their red sweaters. My team is pretty good. Real good in fact.

Regardless of that, it’s like wishing for something for Christmas…praying to God every night that Santa will come and bring it to you. You throw pennies in every well, you wish upon every star. Every day for a solid year you close your eyes tight, and dream of the moment Santa comes through.

And then…he does.

Then what?
What do I do now?
What do you wish for next?

More importantly, how can you kick a man when he’s down, when he’s already been run over by a tank?

I’m not going to lie to you…I hate your guts. I hate every core and fiber of your being. It makes me tingly to see you in pain and agony…I wear a smile a mile wide when you fail. But at this point…I’m at a loss.

The worst part is, so are you. The Channel 6 news at 6 O’Clock tonight ran TWO Husker highlights. (Both Texas A&M touchdowns.) No interviews. No live shots. No commentary. It was just about the same amount of coverage the Omaha Royals get when they drop a day-night doubleheader to Sacramento. At work Friday there was no red. Not a single Husker shirt...pretty much anywhere. Hell, even talk about Texas A&M was hard to come by. Talk is now of a man (Osborne), not a team. I’m almost convinced that you’re so far gone, even a new coach won’t save you from your fate.

It’s pathetic.
It’s sad.
It’s almost too much.

In 1929, a German author named Erich Maria Remarque wrote a book entitled, “All Quiet on the Western Front.” Later, the book was made into a movie staring that JohnBoy guy from the Walton’s. Anyhow, your predicament reminds me of a very memorable scene in the movie. Paul Baumer has suffered intense mental stress under heavy bombardment during World War 1. Paul goes from an innocent young man, to an animal, caught in the hell of war within a matter of days. Following the bombardment, he finds himself pinned down in a trench with a severely wounded enemy soldier.

The enemy soldier is half-dead and wheezing from mustard gas poisoning. Paul spends nearly a chapter discussing his inner helplessness and thankfulness, as he listens to the enemy soldier gasp, wheeze and literally suffocate to death…slowly..over the period of an entire afternoon. After several hours, Paul nearly goes mad. Although the dying soldier is his enemy, he feels the most basic level of compassion. His thoughts are not to save the dying man, but to figure out somehow..someway to make him stop. To put him out of that misery.

I feel like Paul Baumer in a way. I know you are the enemy. I know you should suffer. I know you deserve exactly what you’re getting…but being witness to a slow and agonizing death is painful and somewhat disturbing. Gone is my desire to watch you suffer. In fact, I don’t even want Texas to beat you next weekend. In fact, if I had one wish for next week..it would be for Harvey Pullman to call another press conference on Monday and say, “Fuck it. We’re pulling the plug.”

Please God, make it stop.

I have no idea where I’m going to go from here. You have zero chance of even winning another game. And after the year is over...even when you finally do get a new coach, it will be years before you even sniff a winning season again. I'm in my mid-30's, I can't just sit here and wait for you to get good again. Don’t get me wrong, there is no sadness in my words. But your pain and suffering is really more annoying, sad and pathetic than humorous and joyous.

If anybody has any good jokes or funny photos they’d like me to post, please send them to me. I’ll be happy to do so. If you would like for me to answer questions or perhaps see how many famous names we can find in the Omaha phone book, we can do that too. Anything I can do to pass the time within this blog site.

However, before we do anything like that, somebody needs to grab a gun and put this creature out of it’s misery.

I can’t stand it anymore. The wheezing is driving me crazy.
(Photo thanks: Lincoln Journal-Star and Some WWI website)

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Anonymous I cant believe we lost to Kansas by 5 fricken points said...


Dont fall for it man!!!!!!! They're playing dead to pull you in closer. Dont feel sorry for them, dont pity them, and for God's sake, dont let up. When they get their next win over the little sisters of the poor, they will be talking more $hit than you could ever imagine and telling us how "the engine is back on the track". Trust me these red blooded freaks wouldnt piss on you if you were on fire so every one of us Husker hating faithful shouldnt let up on them either. How about a few "nice trys" or "we like your little team, maybe next year" (all things I have heard from Husker shitheads), or maybe even some of their little pity claps would be nice. Dont get too close, the dying animal might try to bite you yet.

11:41 PM  
Blogger bornred said...


It's been awhile since I read "All Quiet on the Western Front", but I thought that at the end of the day a General named Osborne comes into the trench, touches the half-dead soldier, instantly healing him and turning him into an early 1900's version of the MasterChief, whereapon he single handedly takes out the entire German army...or am I mistaken?

In that case.... A man limps into a bar with a cane and an alligator....

2:34 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Best name on the comment section...ever. Well done. (And you make good points. I'll think about that one).

bornred..that was kinda funny. I'm not sure why that scene in the book stood out to me...it just kinda did.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that you have T O back, maybe you can get Bobby Bowden and JoePa to come coach your team back to what it used to be.

Hell Doesnt L P still have a year of eligibility left?

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a Huskerfan picture that will cheer you up. How do I send it to you?

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't let up. Years of arrogance will re-emerge in a nonosecond at the next win. Nebraska is still, after all, on the bubble for a bowl game. I'm sure that the new Tunnel Work, the restoration of all the former Big Red history and the presence of former players at the game, not to mention Dr. Tom at practice and on the sidelines is going to work its magic soon.

Hang tough. You can do it.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous trailrunner said...

I recall the thrashings they administered to my Sooners when John Blake was coaching. There was no mercy shown then, so I would ask that you show no mercy now.

On the other hand, they did help us rid ourselves of John Blake, so maybe I should be thanking the Nibblets. No. I was wrong to think it and foolish to mention it. Hate is a beautiful thing when it is directed at the Huskers.


1:20 PM  
Anonymous NorthEndzoneCurse said...

Well played sir. Well played.

Any literary reference that slams Nebraska and works in Richard Thomas is fine by me. Holey Moley, what a bad team!

BTW, I now think you should reference the book "IT" since I believe it is the only other film Thomas stared in.

Perhaps another post could be titled, "A Team Called It," but that might be just a little too sad to cross reference that kind of abuse.


4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It don't matter what you change this blog to. You're still going to suck.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

pull the plug is right. im speechless.

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Art Van Delay said...

I agree with i cant believe.... Just go to any nub internet board, your hatred will return. These arrogant pricks need about 15-20 years of the kind of beatings they are sustaining now to bring them down to even a tolerable level. I say keep piling it on these bastards. Texas by 56 (hopefully).

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ -- Hang in there my man. I'm betting that the whole coaching staff will be gone by November and since "order will be restored" -- the arrogance will be back in full force. Dr. Tom will put everyone out of their misery soon.

8:07 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Hey...OHF is back.

Good to see you're still alive.

Hasn't been the same without ya.

8:14 PM  
Anonymous davepowers said...

so this is like proof of the adage- be careful what you wish for, you just may get it.


8:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wait until the Blaine Gabbert news is official.

I'm going to assume you won't be getting any more GBR texts at that point.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ...It is a sad thing indeed (for Husker fans) to witness a demise that is so shockingly sudden and complete.

Sane Husker fans have accepted our fate this year and simply hope that someone can rescusitate our once proud program (like Stoops did for OU) before it weezes its last shallow breaths.

I guess the eerily calm feeling I have now is either a product of self preservation or a real emotion based on the realization that sometimes an appendage (or ten) needs to be removed to save what remains.

The surreal has become pointedly substantive...and it sucks.

I'd tell all of you to get bent...but I don't have the strength.


P.S. I would piss on any CU, MU or KSU fans...even if they weren't on fire.

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are still lots of people at bigredboard.com that think Steve P and Billy C are the bees knees!

They decided to put an inspirational ad in the Daily Nebraskan last week. Here's a picture of the 1st draft of the ad:


Here's another funny pic:

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's another one:


11:24 AM  
Anonymous Albino Tornado said...

Text of the actual ad referenced:


In the Deed the Glory
For our Coaches, Players, and Staff

All of Husker Nation stands with you now, as before and always. You champion our Big Red Pride and Honor with the colors you wear. There as never been and never will be a former Husker, and never doubt that you have the gratitude and unconditional support from Huskers nationwide.

A message from BigRedBoard and Huskers both Home and Away:
[locations redacted]
[BigRedBoard.com logo]


Yeah, what a crappy message for our fan base to send to coaches and players. Boo on them -- and by them, I mean me.

The team, coaches, and players are ours as Nebraska fans, and "sticking together through all kinds of weather" is what true fans do.

After all, AJ, haven't you supported Missouri for years now, through good and mediocre?

I realize that the coaching staff is gone on Black Friday, assuming they don't do the honorable thing and fall on their swords by then.

1:22 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

It could only happen to Mizzou...

The celestial bodies appear to have finally aligned and the football Gods have smiled upon your team, blessed you with an offensive juggernaut, a decent defense, and a special teams weapon that can tilt the field. Not only that, but the team that for the last 30 years, has routinely dragged your sorry carcasses up and down the gridiron for your annual 60 minutes of pigskin hell, then handed you an industrial strength maxi pad to stem the blood flow from your recently resized, hemorrhaging anal orifice, find themselves looking up at the rest of the Big XII (when the lighting is good, we can almost see Iowa State from our new vantage point) and are now in need of a giant tampon of their own, the super absorbant variety, please.. I think this will be a heavy flow couple of years.

At last, you think, your time has come. There is even talk of a top 10 ranking and possible national championship (well, at least before the OU game). This is the year, isn't it? Nothing can get in your way, right?

Cue up Lee Corso's "Not so fast, my friend"....

Enter the Great Pumpkin in a coaches shirt, the guy whose hip pockets don't share the same zip code. Don't look now, but the team you all really, really love to hate is in the driver's seat to represent the North this year. After all the preseason hype (don't get me wrong, it was warranted, Mizzou has a pretty damn good team) and Husker hate (seriously, how much fun is it to bash us now? We are more of a mess than most of you ever could have hoped), and the snide remarks about KU's pastry schedule, doesn't it just make sense that they will end in the Big XII Championship game? Wouldn't it figure that they would beat OU in that game and play in a BCS Bowl? Sure, Mizzou could end up in the Gator Bowl, but wouldn't that leave you all feeling like the poor girl that spent 25 seconds in the backseat of BHG's '74 Pinto? All the talk, all the buildup, all the promises and then..... nothing but a little grunting, some wet panties and the sound of that Pinto starting up...

Yep, it could only happen to Mizzou...

Watching the North unfold this year, even with NU out of it, is going to be fun as hell. I think I might like this whole 'celebrate the failures of other programs' angle...

Go Big Red

3:10 PM  
Anonymous mizzerou said...

I thought it was interesting that another quarterback named Blaine (a junior from Blue Springs South) verbally committed to Mizzou on the spot after the Texas Tech game on Saturday, on the same day that Blaine Gabbert made his "unofficial" visit.

What's kind of ironic about it is that of all of the games Mizzou has played this season, including Oklahoma, none of them would make the school seem less appealing from a quarterback's standpoint than this last one. Daniel threw the ball only 19 times, with only one TD on a short pitch and catch and then a long sprint by Maclin. He spent most of the day handing the ball off (which was a great idea, especially since Tech couldn't stop it.) It just wasn't what you would consider a showcase game for a quarterback in this system. I was out of town and could only keep up with the game via the TV scoreboard, and I was shocked beyond belief to see what Daniel's stat line was in a 41-10 massacre. But I'll take it any way I can get it.

Glad to see the Huskers get another richly deserved pasting, but I'm sorry to say that bornred has a point with respect to Kansas. Nothing would be more typical than that overrated bunch of pansies squeaking past Mizzou in overtime and getting a ticket to the title game.

The way it's looking, even if Mizzou wins out all the way to Kansas, the season could still end up in a pile of steaming manure at the center of Arrowhead Stadium.

I almost hope it doesn't come down to that.

6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GOOD! Maybe you'll go away now?

Go Jayhawks.

6:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OK..since the KU guy asked....I'm staying.

Screw you Beaker

7:32 PM  
Blogger OKHUSKER said...

I hate to admit that you are as accurate as anyone I have seen regarding this football season. The only thing that will brighten my year would be a reference to Bozworth and his starring role in Stone Cold. Thanks

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please don't gargle the Clorox. Swallow the entire jug.

11:02 PM  

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