July 26, 2005

2005 Husker Preview Special

The Big 12 season is now only 39 days away, and it's really time to get down and dirty with football on this friendly little corner of cyberspace. As most of you know, I'm not about winning with my favorite team, as I am with dealing with the team I hate the most on earth...the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Also by now, if you live of work in Nebraska, you've seen more than a few "preview" threads or e-mails that chronicle what various Husker fans think will happen throughout the season.

We here at the Huskerh8er blog also have looked into our crystal ball to see what lies in store for Husker fans this season in regards to their favorite team. Buckle up kids...this may not get pretty:

- Sept 3rd vs. Maine
Nebraska opens up year #2 of the Bill Callahan era by taking on a tough Maine Black Bear squad. With a strong opening drive, the air is let out of the stadium as Cory Ross does his best Dan Alexander impression, fumbling at the Maine 4 yard line. The two teams play to a stalemate in the first half, in front of 79,000 cooking hicks in Lincoln on a 93 degree day. Although Maine finishes the day with 343 yards passing, they fail to get into the end zone. "Those fans were just too close. I can't believe how many people live out here?" Said the Maine head coach after the game. It was a great environment, but it's hard to imagine this many people watching a team this bad." The Huskers convert three 3rd quarter field goals to take a 9-0 lead which they never relinquish. Maine avoids a shutout with a 4th quarter field goal with :03 seconds left.

Huskers 9 - Maine 3

- Sept 10 vs. Wake Forest
Husker quarterback Zach Taylor faces his old team in the visiting Wake Forest Demon Deacons. A rabid crowd is shocked as Taylor throws four first quarter interceptions. Wake uses a stifling defense to convert two of the picks to touchdowns, and roll with 403 yards passing of their own. The Huskers struggle with the ball, gaining The Wake Forest coach is quoted after the game by saying, "That QB was on our team once? Well, pretty obvious why he's not now huh? Thanks Bill." Bill Callahan reacts to the loss with a standard line from last season, "We're still growing. We're young and we've got a lot to learn." Steve Pederson is seen at the press conference for the first time wearing a red plaid Husker blazer with matching polyester pants. "I'm all about retro" Steve says after the game. "We need to return to glory. This is a start."

Huskers 3 - Wake Forest 31

Sept 17 vs. Pittsburgh
- In front of a national TV cameras and yet another sellout in Lincoln, the Huskers come out of the gate strong against the Panthers. A fake punt for a TD finally allows the Huskers to visit the end zone for the first time this season. The defense improves, holding Pitt to 293 yards in the air, while picking up TWO interceptions on the last two drives of the half. A late first half Zach Taylor fumble recovery in the end zone gives NU a 14-0 lead at the half. But the Panthers strike back in the second half, roaring to life in the air by throwing two late TD passes to hush the giant crowd. Showing gunslinger attitude, the Pitt coaching staff goes for two, and takes a late 1 point lead. The Huskers late rally is spoiled with a late pick. Bill Callahan is pleased with his team's fight, but alas the Huskers fall to 1-2 with a tough home loss.

Huskers 14 - Pittsburgh 15

Oct 1, vs. Iowa State
- Happy days are here again, as the Huskers roll to their second win of the year over a tough Iowa State squad. Although the defense struggles again, giving up 358 yards in the air, the Huskers take advantage of a Cyclone defense decimated by a mass case of food poisoning. Cory Ross rushes for 53 yards, but scores 2 short TD's. Taylor throws his first TD of the year, and the Huskers cruise to victory. After the game, coach Dan MacCartney is more concerned with his players, "We had four starters on defense slip into coma's because of the food poisoning. Hell, we only suited 32 guys. I'm just happy everybody is OK. The game is secondary." The Husker press conference is attended by Callahan, Pederson, 8 starters on offense, 6 starters on defense, former QB Matt Turman, Eric Crouch's mom, and four Husker fans who made a road trip to the 96 Fiesta Bowl. "We're back baby, we're back!" Bill Callahan screams from the top of the press row table. The Omaha media responds with a roar.

Huskers 21 - Cyclones 10

Oct 8, vs. Texas Tech
Any excitement generated from the Iowa State game is squashed as Texas Tech passes for a NCAA record 1103 yards in a 89 point outburst. The Red Raiders score on their first 10 possessions, each on pass plays of more than 50 yards. "It was like they weren't even there" Red Raider coach Mike Leach. "I'm not sure what the deal was, but we'll take a big win over a great tradition-laden team." The Huskers muster only 105 yards of offense, and Callahan hears his first boos of the year as he runs off the field. Only 2 players attend the post-game press conference. "Momma said there'd be days like this" Callahan said after the game. Steve Pederson was nowhere to be found.

Huskers 7 - Red Raiders 89

Oct 15th, at Baylor
- Things go from bad to worse, as the Huskers suffer their second straight humiliating loss to the lowly Baylor Bears. 16,032 fans stormed the field after the game, as Baylor used a crushing air attack to score 21 unanswered points in the fourth quarter against the Huskers. Nebraska again struggles with their air attack, with Zach Taylor throwing 3 second half picks. "I don't know what happened" he said after the game. "I mean, they're Baylor!? They suck!" Bill Callahan begins to lose patience with his team, bashing on focus following the game. "We have got to pick things up. But we're still young and still learning. There'll be better days." The following day, World Herold columnist Tom Shatel writes his first "Is Callahan the right coach for the job" column of the year. Depression hotlines fill to capacity throughout the state, as the Huskers fall to 2-4.

Huskers 13 - Bears 24

Oct 22nd at Missouri
- A rabid crowd of 68,324 is on hand in Columbia as Missouri rolls past Nebraska behind the stellar play of Brad Smith. Smith throws for 394 yards and rushes for another 130, as the Tigers blow out the Huskers for the second time in three years. The game is nearly forfeited to the Huskers before the game even began, as a group of Tiger fans rushed the Husker fans, punching several Husker players screaming, "How you like me now bitch?!?!". Squealing and scattering players avoid a further confrontation, as Bill Callahan questions his teams' toughness. "I mean, they don't have pads on? They're fans. You'd think one of our guys would fight back? But we'll learn and get better...we're still young." The Tiger fans serenade the Husker fans with a version of Beck's, "I'm a loser". Steve Pederson is unseen for the second straight week.

Huskers 9 - Tigers 53

Oct 29th vs. Oklahoma
- The struggling Huskers (2-5) return home to face longtime rival Oklahoma. Before the game, former Huskers and Sooners commemorate the great rivalry matchups over the years, as Johnny Rogers jokes with Former Sooner coach Barry Switzer. The fun is shortlived however, as the OU offense explodes early. Adrian Pederson rushes for a school record 353 yards, as the Sooners hand the Huskers their worst home loss ever. Bill Callahan is booed mercilessly throughout the game, as his wife and children are escorted out of the stadium. Talk radio stations are flooded after the game, as the Huskers are humiliated yet again on national TV. Tom Osborne, speaking from his gold plated golf cart in Scottsbluff questions the move to theWest Coast offense for the first time. To make things worse, seven commitments for the 2006 recruiting class withdraw their verbal commitments to the Huskers. Callahan is unphased in the post game press conference, as he compared his team to his later Oakland Raider teams. "They weren't as dumb as this team is...but we're much younger now, and are showing signs of improvement."

Huskers 3 - Sooners 49

Nov 5 at Kansas

With the NCAA giving the Jayhawks the death penalty for repeated violations, Nebraska is awarded the game by forfeit. Bill Callahan is upbeat after the "game", giving credit to his young team. "Older and less talented teams wouldn't have been able to practice this week, knowing we already won. But these young kids are tough. We're really coming along well." Death threats to Callahan fall off from 300 the week before to just under 200. Rumors of Steve Pederson's death have begun to fade, as he remains unseen for the past month.

Huskers 2 - Jayhawks 0 (FORFEIT)

Nov 12 vs. Kansas State
- A beleaguered Husker team shows signs of life on senior day, hanging with the division leading Wildcats for three quarters before falling late. The Wildcats only dressed 40 players, including starting the second half by playing only player's who's name starts with the letter 'M'. However, the Huskers hung tough, putting up a season high 301 yards of total offense. "I'm really happy with how we're progressing" Callahan said after the game. KSU coach Bill Snyder was livid after the game, "We've GOT to put out a better effort against lesser teams like this. I mean, this isn't Colorado or Texas we're playing here. We're lucky we weren't playing a good team this week, or we would have really struggled." The first non-sellout in nearly 40 years pelts Callahan with garbage as he jogs off of the field. The Husker press-conference is canceled as a large crowd carrying torches and buckets of tar break into the press room at Memorial Stadium. "We really needed to cancel the press conference, " Barney Smolden, head of NU security said, "Those people were really pissed, and those buckets of tar were spilling all over." AD Steve Pederson is seen for the first time in 6 weeks in a 15 second TV spot. Fans are shocked to see him slip into a Howard Hughes-esque state, sporting long white hair, 4 inch fingernails and a flowing robe. "All is well" he says in the short TV spot. "We're young. Besides, it's Frank's fault anway. GET THESE COCKROACHES OFF OF ME!!!"

Huskers 14 - Wildcats 31

Nov 25 at Colorado
A quiet crowd of 44,000 watch Colorado send Nebraska into their off-season with a 3-8 record in Boulder on a frigid post-Thanksgiving Friday. Both teams finish the game in an NCAA record one hour and 53 minutes. Colorado coach Gary Barnett was puzzled. "I know they've struggled, but they spent more time talking about where they were going to play next year...they weren't even paying attention." Because of the lack of focus, the Huskers are called for an NCAA record 32 delay of game penalties. Husker coach Bill Callahan's smooth composure is notably absent from the post-game press conference. "We've got the stupidest team in America when it comes to anything. We suck. Screw this place...I'm going back to coach High School coaching. And by the way, I was making all that West Coast stuff up as I went along." Riot police are called into Omaha as the city burns for three nights following the loss. In a sad note, Steve Pederson is never seen again, leaving only a note behind at his compound in Lincoln, "This is your fault (Husker fans) YOU were the ones who wanted to pass. Now you got what you wanted. Goodbye cruel world." - Signed Steve.

The Huskers finish 3-8 in what will forever be known as the most disappointing season ever in the history of Husker football.



Blogger Whooter said...

That there was some funny shit. Nice job, my friend.

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u gotta be fuckin me, i can't believe anyone would waste their time in describing in length fictional footballball games. i can see how u don't like nebraska football, but to go into detail on games and the whole season, is a complete waste of skin

4:32 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Anonymous = French for Chickenshit.

But thanks for visiting though!!!


PS - You sit in on the conference call I did today and see what you do with your spare time. And it's "at length" not "in length". Please use proper grammar next time.

4:35 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Nevermind...I know who it is. Nice try WebTV boy.


4:37 PM  
Anonymous matty said...

Pretty brilliant, AJ. Good job.

Oh, and check mine every Thursday or Friday this fall for season 2 of My Playstation Hates The Huskers. It's a big hit in blogland, donchaknow. :)

6:05 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Cool! Looking forward to it. :)

7:32 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

I'm a little bitter-- you have the Cyclones losing to the Felons?

11:26 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

did anybody else catch WebTV's error-- I always knew there was something about him.

11:27 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Yeah, it's my upset special. You'll notice though that it took massive food poisoning to beat them.

Hey, I gotta be realistic here.


11:36 PM  
Blogger Whooter said...

Answer the question, AJ. Are you, indeed, fucking him? If yes, does your wife know?

9:12 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm not gay...but if I was...I'm pretty sure I could do better than Bookman.


9:56 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

remember in Young Frankenstein? Annie Onymous?

12:11 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

Ah... food poisoning-- my only hope for playing time while at UNO. Only problem was, I had to eat (and not die) before they fed the food to Holtzy or Tebbsy.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Whooter said...

Are you thinking of Abbie Normal, Adam?

12:32 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

yeah, Abbie Normal...my bad...

1:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Abie Normal is the name of a killer punk band in the early 90's as well. (From the OC)

This is your punk rock trivia for the day.

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am looking forward to a win like the one that you described when we are down in Columbia for the MU vs. NU...GO TIGERS!

"The King of Fremont"

12:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know only 2 words in French= "we surrender"
Also you are a complete fucking moron and I hope I see you at a UNO hockey game, where do you sit so I can beat the shit out of you.
Do you still fuck your mother and sisters by chance?

I'm anonymous cause I don't want to join your circle jerk party.
ps. I sit behind the notrth goal.

12:09 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I wish some guy could make fun of my team so I can make physical threats...only never to show up.

Fuck you asswipe.

12:17 PM  

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