September 1, 2006

An Open Letter to Husker fan


Dear Husker fan:

By now, you are out of your minds with anticipation and anxiety. No longer do you have to study game film from games last September. No longer do you have to turn to channel 7 to watch the 1978 Oklahoma game to get your jollies. Tomorrow is the real thing. No more speculation. No more anticipation. Just you...your faded, now almost pink "Back to Back 94-95" t-shirt....your team.... and your expectations.

Let's chat about those expectations for a moment.

Over the past 20 years, I've had an opportunity to live among you. I've gone to school with you. I've sat in PTA meetings with you. I've walked past you at Bakers as you grab another bottle of Ripple. I've sat next to you at a stop light...I've hung out with you at office parties. All of this experience with you has taught me several things. Not the least of which is the fact that there is ONE thing on earth that hurts you the most...not talking about your failures...not agreeing with you in regards to your future...but to fail to recognize your greatness.

You guys could be 3-7 and down to Baylor by 40 points, and it still wouldn't matter. As long as everybody who crosses your path recognizes you for being the former powerhouse you have built in your mind....all is good with you. You get more pissed off about Sportscenter showing only 3 highlights of your game rather than 5, than you do actual losses. You spend more energy writing hate e-mails to a sportswriter who didn't vote you #1 in 1997 than you do realizing that the glory days are gone. You spend more time talking about your past than Buck O'Neil. Oh, but those days are gone...make no mistake.

Gone are the days where you won with class and dignity. Gone are the days where you actually set some sort of false standard of sportsmanship. Gone are the days where you sat back and patted other teams on the head, commenting on what great competitors they are as you ran up another touchdown and finished off a 55-7 win with some walk-on from Gothenburg. Gone are the days where your classy coach made minimal comments about doing the right thing. Gone are the days where the rest of country admired you for sticking to your principles...running and perfecting an offense that nobody else runs.

A guy who used to coach the Raiders is in charge of your program now...and you are too flippin stupid to see the difference. Perhaps it didn't hit you when he made a throat-slash gesture that would make a 13 year old roll his eyes. Perhaps it didn't hit you when that same guy called a storied program's fans "fucking hillbillies'...when his own team mascot has an ear of corn in his pocket. Perhaps you don't notice it when yet another Husker player gets arrested for punching a fan or shoving a cheerleader? You don't notice it, because you don't know any fucking better. The stench of your desperation, and it smells like the back corner of a Fudruckers bathroom at closing time.

And for the most part..you're ALL the fucking same. You ALL rely on games played 10 years ago to finish arguments. You ALL get your info from Huskerpedia or BigHuskerFan.com or some other lame-ass, Gerbels-esque bastion of Propaganda where everybody gets along, and you all argue about who would play Luke Skywalker in a Husker rendition of Star Wars. (And don't even e-mail me that it should be Zac Taylor you fucking freaks). You ALL expect the world to bend down and kiss your toes because YOU were lucky enough to live in a state that had a reasonably successful football team for a few decades. You can't imagine why you don't get more coverage nationally. You can't understand why you don't have a TV deal like Notre Dame's.

The great thing is....over the past five years or so...you have learned nothing. You still think of yourselves as some sort of power. You still think of yourselves as the greatest ambassadors in all of amateur sports. You still think of yourselves as something ANYBODY else even thinks about at all. If it weren't for a couple of titles in the 90's, you'd be Cal or Virginia. Hell, at this point, you're not too much better than San Jose State. So you beat a Colorado team that completely quit on a lame duck coach. Whoopee doo. So you beat a Michigan team that most Michigan fans would describe as the most gutless, punchless, most mediocre and underachieving Wolverine team in decades. Hell, by listening to you people talk, you would have thought you threw Vince Young aside, and jumped on that podium yourselves in the Rose Bowl last January. Have any of you realized you lost to Kansas and Missouri...two of the losingest programs in the big 12...by a combined 49 points? Not 10 years ago. Not 5 years ago. LESS THAN A YEAR AGO. Did you realize that Bill Callahan is 11-10 vs. D1 schools at Nebraska? Do you realize that you were ONE score up on MAINE last season with 8 minutes to go? Do you realize how BAD of a people person you have to be to get fired less than a year after making it to the Super Bowl? AND YOU EXPECT TO BEAT USC AND CONTEND FOR A NATIONAL TITLE?
Are you people out of your fucking minds?

But facts are facts...you are hateable for so many other reasons, it's not even funny. You swing by my blog and think you get a little bit fired up? NOTHING on ANY LEVEL in one million lifetimes could match the white-hot raw hatred I have for your team. I fucking hate everything about you. I hate everything about your teams. From the uniforms, to your ugly ass stadium, to your lame-ass multi-colored turf, to your shitty play-by-play announcer, to your Super Bowl choking coach to your horrible fight song to your overrated Tunnel Walk you stole from the Chicago Bulls to your redneck mascot that sets all Nebraskan's back about 100 years in the eyes of America to the boringness of your helmets, to that annoying tradition of making up names for positions that don't exist, to your arrogant, punchless, myopic, hypocritical, annoying, exasperating, whiney, I-Know-More-Than-You-Cause-I'm-from-Nebraska fans.

If I could sit here for a thousand years and express how easy it is to hate you to the fabric of your very souls....I would. If I could go on TV and rant on and on about how annoying it is to hear about what Husker Wide Receiver has a hangnail this week....in March....I would. If I could write a letter to every college football fan who doesn't have the privilege to see your annoyances, your hideous nature and your hypocritical mannerisms up close....I would.

You can't even fathom how much I despise you. Imagine how pissed off you get just reading ONE fan talking about how they don't respect your greatness...and multiply that by 2.1 million...and that's what you get inside my head. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. I couldn't make you understand if I walked up to each and every one of your doors and showed you a 45 minute infomercial.

I hope each and every one of you get what's coming to you. I hope you suffer pain and despair this football season like nothing you have ever experienced before. I hope you realize...somewhere along the way...just how idiotic it is to talk about beating USC when you have NO defensive backs...NO running game...NO offensive line..and the 7th best quarterback in the Big 12. Maybe at some point you will think about that as Dewayne Jarrett is catching another touchdown..and the thought slips in your head..."Oh shit...that crazy blog guy might be right". And rest assured....every time you start to fail...every time your team starts to lose control....everytime your coach does something stupid...you're going to have me in the back of your mind.

And when that happens...my job is done.

I hope you all catch ghanarhea so painful it would cripple superman.
I hope your cat eats a can of chili and misses the litter box
I hope the milk in your cereal tomorrow morning is fuzzy and green.
I hope you get so desperate, you offer your head job to Houston Nutt. (Oh wait..scratch that)
I hope your doctor runs out of jelly at your next physical
I hope you lose every game by 900 points
I hope Bill Callahan is your coach this time next year

I hate you all and hope rot in hell for all of eternity

AJ

41 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, at least that was a lot better than the "conversation" blog entry. Very hate inspired. Very much the way I feel about all sports near Kansas City. (By the way, Chiefs fans are the same as Husker fans.)

We get it, by the way. Colorado quit. Michigan wasn't interested. USC is a lot better and will be at home. You can't drive that nail in any further.

This could go two ways: A) Huskers go 6-7 or something and you laugh all season. B) Huskers go 11-2 and you get a bunch of clowns on here posting a lot of "what do you think now?"

However, I'm fairly certain it will be somewhere in between and you'll still criticize every win (That was a Colorado team with a new coach. That was the worst Texas A&M team in 10 years. Etc.) and we Husker fans will defend every loss/close win. And then this can continue on for another year.

And one thing I feel compelled to point out is that fans in the Northwest corner of the stadium applaud for visiting teams that won at Memorial Stadium as well. It may still be false, but is that really so bad?

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you meant fathom and Gonorrhea. :-)

But overall a wonderfully written piece. Keep it up.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Dr. Buffenstien said...

AJ, thank you for reading EVERY non-husker fan's mind. You are truly the mouthpiece for every one of us who are sick and tired of the freekdom know as the husker nation, but enjoy every other aspect of living here. Their garbage gets old day after day.

I hope your Tigers do great this weekend.
I myself am looking forward to seeing the Hawk's debut tomorrow as well, while I work with 4 fusker freaks in a small room.
It's really going to suck.

11:33 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I concur about Chiefs fan. (And I am one.) If I was a Denver native living in KC...I'd probably go postal at some point.

The ONLY thing that makes it different is the fact that Devner has won super bowls and owned the chiefs.

Try bashing the Huskers when they beat your own team 24 straight years and you've made 4 bowl games in 25 years.

Anybody can hate when you have scoreboard...it's when you have to work for it that you actually get good at it.

11:35 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thanks. That's the #1 reason I don't move...I feel that I can do more to expose the truth here than somewhere else.

Well, that and selling your house, quitting your job and uprooting your family is pretty stupid if the reason is a college football team.

Good luck to your team as well.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm getting the notion that you're post is not so much upset with Husker fans and their dedication, so much as the lack of following by your own college of choice.

In regards to Callahan, he's not the right guy for the job. He hasn't shown himself to be a head coach (he went to a Superbowl with another coaches players).

Jim Rose, embarassing to say the least. Jim would serve a better role in Husker Nation if he were to replace toilet paper in the stadium bathrooms.

Pederson, a ego-driven maniac. My father makes certain that his dog takes a dump on Pedersons yard about every other day.

Do I hope the Huskers are successful, yes. When they lose, and they will lose this year, I won't make excuses. Losses last year were poor execution, not enough talent, and throw in outcoached to boot. Do I believe they are the caliber of team and it's staff deserve the unconditional adolations(sp?) poured on it, no I don't.

Are all Husker fans as described in the "blog", certainly not, and those that would subscribe to that theory may also believe that the 9/11 attacks on the WTC were a "controlled demoliton".

I must admit as a Husker fan that it is hilarious to read the rants. (For those that don't like to hear about the glory days of a team, try to avoid Notre Dame, Michigan, Alabama, and a host of other fans, because if you're not on top, all you got is when you were.)

12:41 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

You continue to amaze me, my friend...off I go to Minneapolis...have a good weekend...

1:27 PM  
Blogger Husker Mike said...

Wow, AJ...I think you may have topped yourself here. The sad fact is that there are way too many Husker fans like that. Even a little bit in me; I still don't understand why Lee Barfknecht voted for Michigoon in 97. :-)

There is a line between being proud of the football team and it's past, and rubbing people's faces in it.

We'll see how it all shakes out this season.

1:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Mike, you make it tough to hate all Husker fans because you simply get it. Once again as always I appreciate you taking it for what it is.

Have a good weekend my friend....enjoy your sleep while you can!

;)

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny... Partly true... a little dash of crazyness gave me a laugh this afternoon. Im a husker fan, but im more excited for the puck to be dropped and win the ccha.

2:51 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

It's not meant to be life or death...it's meant to be funny. Glad you see it for what it is.

Concur on dropping the puck.

In Parse we trust.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Obsessed Husker Fan said...

The Bin Laden of college sports strikes again. You are seriously insane man, you took it too a new level. I was kidding about the Bin Laden part at first, but that letter sounded like true hate. You are one sick freak.

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i feel very sorry for you dude. You have nothing in life to live for. You poor poor man. I could come on here and rip you but dude, I truely feel sorry for you. I equate your level of hate for huskers to Adolf Hitler. You know what happend to him and what the world thinks of him. Do you really want to be thought of like that. Do you? Relax dude and realize that there are other things in life besides Nebraska and football. go enjoy them. Help a homeless person. Go to church. Please get some help. You have my sympathies. Poor lost soul.

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Husker8er if you hate my alma mater so much there is a new thing called a car, you can use it to leave my beloved state and go wherever makes you happy. By the way I will be back from time to time to stomp your comments into the mud because your miserable little mind needs a good kick every once in a while.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey AJ,

I, a Husker fan stuck in Delaware, fully appreciate your blog (finding it fucking hilarious). If I lived in Omaha, was a Mizzou fan, and was constantly running into the same folks chanting about past successes without due consideration about the present, I'd be pissed too. (Try living around several Philly Eagles fan. Bunch of nutters... but I tend to just ignore them them when they babble about shit I don't agree with)

I of course don't wish the same troubles on my team, but then the Huskers are my only connection to "hometown pride" other than getting frozen Runzas sent to me. Hope the Tigers have more success this year (other than the game they play us)

6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give me your name and address, PUNK. Did a Husker fan steal your lunch on the way to school today? YOU FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!

Husker fans own your life!! Deal with it, assfuck.

6:02 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Wow, you really are a sad little man. Sorry you have so much hate in you, you must lead a very lonely life indeed. I hope you don't reproduce, delusional schyzophrenia is hereditary you know. Depression is treatable, go check into it for every one else's sake, your hate filled rant is a pathetic cry for help. Good luck blogger, you need some sort of medication.

6:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two words: Anger management.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If every word you wrote is true about Nebraska, their team, coach and fans, this post says a LOT more about you as a person and your values than anything else. It's football... it's a GAME!

6:48 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Ahhhhhhh...the Power of Huskers Illustrated....on the EVE of the season too.

This is like a dream come true. Special thanks to those of you who completely blew a gasket...especially those who have nothing better in their barrel than "you fucking pussy".

Thank you for making every single point I was trying to make. If only I could have done that in a few short sentences...what it took me 89,000 words to write.

Seriously...those of you getting SO worked up about it....

Think before you reply.

It's like Christmas.

PS - Special applause to the guy who started that thread who was so appauled...so devestated that somebody could hate your team....you could feel it in his words.

Absolute classic.

ENJOY MORE TO COME!

7:30 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - Almost forgot...Kudos to the guy from Deleware for the comments. HE APPARENTLY GETS IT. I would be the exact same way if I was a Michigan fan in Columbus or a Texas fan living in College Station.

What some of you don't understand is from what level this all stems from. Some of it is true...some of it is show. Some of it is to prove a point.

On special days like today..my point is proven for me. For those who "get it"...I hope you enjoy your game tomorrow and enjoy it with friends and family.

For those of you who absolutely freaked out....who could barely control your hatred and rage over some words on a screen....Yes....I AM the one with issues.

Seriously..think about this for a while.

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hatefulness is in direct correlation to envy. Those that envy hate anyone that is happy and self confident. The Islamo-fascists and and Franco Frogs come to mind.

People that hate use hate to justify their own shortcomings and petty, vacuous life.

People that hate live for emotions, as emotions instead of prudence and reason rule their every thought.

People that hate are always acting out their "Mommy or Daddy" didn't like me as well my friends Mommies or Daddies liked them more fits and tantrums, because after all we are really equal, aren't we... I'm mean, like, really man, we're all really equal.

People that hate do so because they follow a path through life that is based upon the need to diminish other people's success as they will never know success on their own.

It is mean to laugh at people that hate as they are victims of their own spite, but.... HAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA, HAAAA, HO-HO, HAAAAA, HAAAAAAA, HA, HA,HHAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAA, HA, HA, HO-HO-HEE-HEE, HA-HA, HAAA, HAAAAAAAAA HAAA, HEE-HEE, HAAAAAAA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAA, OMG, I'm gonna puke.

7:54 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

People who do comlete psychological profiles based on some random thoughts on the internet is dumb.

I do get a kick out of you guessing though.

Enjoy the game tomorrow.

8:08 PM  
Blogger simps said...

AJ, u are an idiot. People like you are fucking retarded. All you can do is rant and rave about how much you hate nebraska football. Well, here's an idea, quit following it. The only reason people see read your shit is because it shows how pathetic u are. It's like watching a horse fuck a chic. You can't look away. What the fuck has your team done in the last 40 yrs. Answer= nothing. The people take pride in this program is because their are maybe 8-10 teams that have the prestige we have. That's not living in the past its just a fact of being one of the best programs of all time. So yeah we're proud. Once your team does ANYTHING OF MERIT maybe someone will start bloggin about them but it probably won't happen. I dare you to respond gaywad.

8:55 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

"I dare you to respond gaywad"

I am truly speechless. I have not heard the term "gaywad" since 1986. I am at a loss for words. You win.

Congratulations on being my all-time favorite response ever. You made my night doofus-face.

(Oh man...the possibilities are endless)

8:59 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - I'm still laughing at the gaywad comment.

Please...somebody..ANYBODY top that. (And make sure you throw in a horse fucking a chick while you're at it.)

Fantastic stuff.

9:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, are you Matthew Scott?

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im a Husker fan living in Southwestern Kansas so I know how you feel. Could you do me a favor and make fun of KState?
As far as topping the "gaywad" comment..... impossible. I dont think ive heard that word in 20 yrs.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous HUSKERSRTHEBEST said...

Dude, not sure what to say, besides the fact you are a fucking mindless head case! I read some info about you, you like to wear scarfs? Yep, just as I guessed.......You are a homo!

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gag me with a spoon! He so totally showed you. Face!!

10:34 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I think I just got served.

11:00 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

(Damn...I keep forgetting these things)....the fact that you clowns actually KNOW the name of the dude who Kellen Houston sucker punched...just cements my point even further.

Even better...you throw the name "matthew scott" around like everybody on your board knows him...and they do.

I also love how guys with 40,000 posts are blasting me for having too much time on my hands. I can throw out a post like this in my sleep. It's really not that hard.

Next thing you know, you'll start calling me by the first name of the cop who shot Scottie Baldwin as he was running naked down the street.

You guys amaze me every day. And by the way...I DO sit among you. I heard a guy the other day talking about my blog...who sits 2 offices down from me.

If only he knew.....

11:08 PM  
Blogger MarvelousJarvis12 said...

You're SOOO hard core man, is it rough being so bad ass? I mean, wow, you hate us, REALLY hate Nebraska and their fans. That's edgy! You're just like out of control man. You really put us in our place. I mean I was feeling kinda good about the season, but knowing that you HATE us? I don't know what to do now. I mean, a lesser man might point out that going 11-10 over 21 games, while embarrassing at Nebraska, would be about the average at the rest of the Big XII Norris Division schools, but you already knew that, you insucient maniac.

I'm just shocked that a fan of another Big Eight foe hates us so much. I mean...why? WHY!?!?! It hurts man, it hurt when CU fans came up with it in the 80s, it hurt when K-State fans started to hate us in the 90s and it hurts now, man. What can we do to make you feel better? Are the rumors true, did Kellen Houston really punch you and start this whole thing? Because I know he'd be really sorry. And I will give him such a smack on the crown when I see him if that's true.

Just remember, every one of us is really sorry for whatever we did to make you so angry with us. Just please, PLEASE don't hit us with your scathing tongue anymore it was painful and really well delivered. Seriously, you could write for a CU blog or something. I'm like blown away by the acerbic wit. I want it to be known that all of us Nebraska fans are truly moved and affected by the insults and hatred of the fans of the rest of the Big XII North schools. We have THAT much respect for all of them and all of you.

Thank you, AJ, you've really gotten thru to this Husker fan. Gaywad.

11:23 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

That wasn't nearly as funny as the horse comment.

Nice to see you were moved enough to write 3 full paragraphs.

Sorry I hurt your feelings.

PS - The whole Kellen Houston thing exemplifies everything I'm saying about you guys. Thanks again for making my point.

Dillweed

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Tiger_on_the_move75 said...

AJ, there are so few pages that I make a point to visit in the course of a week but you my friend are one of them. The comment about getting gonorrhea made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to pass out.
I will say that the only fans who might be more obnoxious than the 'fuskers are Ohio St fans. I lived in Columbus for 6 years and while I hoped the 'fuskers would gag in each of their national title game I actually considered (albeit briefly) selling my soul to ensure the fuckeyes wouldn't win. In retrospect I rather wish I had. *This is a joke, anyone who truely believes I was contemplating selling my soul needs a humor transplant*

8:15 AM  
Blogger Dr. Buffenstien said...

Truly, the greatest fans in the world, you should totally invite the one over that WANT'S TO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!! PUNK!
Ahh making threats on the internet about a game played by 18-22 year old criminals in Nebraska. Truly, this is just an ounce of the honor and tradition that every business talks about in EVERY advertisement this time of year.
AJ, if your venom ever went away, I would have to call you a gaylord. Actually, I wouldn't I don't tend to live in the past like most fusker freaks do.

I really hope that those red clowns loose today, I want to see their sad faces today, and I want to read the stupid front of the OWH sports section tomorrow. What "witty" headline with they use tomorrow if the fuskers loose?
"BULLDOGGED OVER" One can wish, but I am sure it will be even lamer than my attempt.

CHOKE FUSERS CHOKE!

8:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nebraska sucks!!! Go CU!!!!

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I am in love. I love you! I grew up in Lincoln Nebraska. I HATE NEBRASKA! I moved to Phoenix, and what do you know too many Huskers there also! I had to move again!!! Realize the only reason why Nebraska is so big on HUSKERS is because they either can watch Huskers play or watch the fucking corn grow! People from Nebraska are the most self centered, RUDE, mother fucking assholes. I am ashamed to say I am from there! Thank you for writing the truth. I think you may be the smartest person I have ever known.

11:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who else do we have to root for here in Nebraska? The Omaha Royals? I love the fact that when I go to out of state and say I am from Nebraska, everyone has a comment about Nebraska. Be it good or bad. I love programs that are built on tradition. Call me sentimental, but I love hearing about a Husker player who used to dream of coming to play for this program. Your blog doesn't upset me, because in reality it is true. But hey, we all have our devices, right?

One thing though that drives me crazy, people who mispelling words that are foreign to them. Nothing is worse than reading a word that was phonically written out..ie Ghanarhea. Other than that, I have a sneakin' suspicion that you are a closet Husker Fan. Why else would you spend so much time and energy writing about them and the fans? Or maybe you are just bitter that you didn't get a scholarship to UNL.


I guess when something bugs me or annoys me, I look the other way and ignore it. I am worried you are going to give yourself an ulcer or worse, a heart attack!

Take a big cleansing breath in and let it out slowly. Doesn't that feel better? Now let's all gather together for a group hug!

Teresa (A friend of Mary's)

4:55 PM  
Blogger Dr. Buffenstien said...

I love it when husker fans really don't get an ounce of what you said AJ.

Teresa, go back and read the blog, for better understanding, it's cute that you graded his spelling, but your lack of comprehension of said written material makes it all for nothing.
And yes, there ARE OTHER teams to be fans of here in Nebraska. I can assure you of it.

8:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You son of a bitch. I am a huge Husker fan and if I ever find you I will come right up to you and..........tell you how funny that was. Sometimes the truth hurts. As Husker fans we tend to take both compliments and criticism too seriously. It's all in good fun, and I'll keep reading.

3:59 PM  

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