August 24, 2006

An In-depth Conversation with Husker Fan

As the college football season is set to kick-off next week, the Associated Press sent a reporter to the plains of Nebraska, to gauge the passion and support of the self-proclaimed "Greatest fans in college football." With turmoil the name of the game over the past five years, Husker fans have settled back into their old role as college football's greatest ambassador.

We caught up with Joe Husker fan after a recent Husker practice. His comments, on a variety of topics, may shock you:


Associated Press (AP) - Hi, thanks for sitting down to talk with me.

Joe Husker Fan (JHF) - No problem. Call me T.O. I had it legally changed.

AP - Ummmm, OK. The last few years have been pretty rough for you haven't they?

JHF - Not really. It was just a little speed bump to let other fans enjoy college football for a year or two. Coach Cal has got us going in the right direction after only a couple of years. Order has been restored.

AP - Are you referring to the end of the 2005 season?

JHF - Absolutely. We were the best team in the nation last year, and have almost everybody back. We're sick of hearing about how great everybody else is. Our offense is loaded. Our defense is stacked. We're back baby....WE'RE BACK!!!!!!! WOOOOO!

AP - Ummmmm, OK. Why do you think Nebraska fans have such a bond with their football team?

JHF - Simple really...they play for US. They represent US. NO other football team in the country can say that. None.

AP - You mean have a state sponsored football team?

JHF - Yes

AP - You realize 97% of all major accredited universities offer football as a varsity sport.

JHF - Who told you that? Powercat Illustrated? Tigerboard? Pfffffttt. You idiot.

AP - No seriously, here's a list.

JHF - You think what you want to think. You media people are always against us.

AP - Ok. Let's talk about your head coach, Bill Cala.....


AP - I take it you approve of the job Callahan is doing?

JHF - Coach Cal is AMAZING. He's recruited NFL caliber players and brought them to Lincoln. He's bringing in guys from California....CALIFORNIA!!!!

AP - So I assume you have bought into Bill Callahan's West Coast Offense?

JHF - It's "CORN" Coast Offense here sir. Get it wrong again, and this interview is over.

AP - Sorry. I should have realized that with that large piece of yellow foam rubber on your head. I assume you like the new offense?

JHF - Oh, it's not new. It's won every Super Bowl.

AP - I don't think that's correct.

JHF - Idiot. (expletive) media people...always trying to bring us down again. Where did you go to school? Texas?

AP - I did live in Dallas for a few months after college while working on my masters.

JHF - Texas guys all suck.

AP - What do you have to say in defense for some of the things that have happened lately with Husker football? Gesture gate? Kellen Houston, Darren Delone? etc?

JHF - That snot nosed Mizzou fan deserved it. You don't go running on the field like that. Had to be his fault, because you'd never see ANY Husker player punching anybody except when he has to defend himself.

AP - Like Kate McCewen?

JHF - That girl was strong. She was built like Grant Wistrom.

AP - Tell me about former Coach Frank Solich. What do you think of him?

JHF - (expletive) moron. He hated Nebraska. He's always hated Nebraska. He wanted us to fail.

AP - Didn't he play for you for several years?

JHF - He hated us then too. We don't take in-state players anymore. We're better than that.

AP - So you think it was a conspiracy? Are you saying Frank Solich threw games on purpose in hopes to lose?

JHF - Absolutely. How could you NOT think that? We lost to Kansas State. We lost to Missouri. There's NO WAY the University of NEBRASKA loses to those two teams.

AP - Do you miss the option running attack that won you so many games in the past?

JHF - Hell no. That was stupid to run the ball so much. Statistics show that the more you pass the ball, the more you win. Coach Cal had us throw FIFTY FOUR passes in a game once....FIFTY FOUR!!!!

AP - Well, passing doesn't always equal success. Texas Tech, Utah, Bowling Green, Nevada all employ passing into their offenses, with mixed success.

JHF - Idiot

AP - It's true

JHF - Pfffft, what the hell do you know? The Media always gets it wrong with us

AP - Well, I've covered NCAA football for 18 years, I'm on the big 12 competition committee and I've written 3 books on big 12 football.

JHF - Dumbass

AP - Where do you see Husker football in five years?

JHF - Well, after winning back-to-back-to-back-to-back titles, it's going to be very difficult to keep coach Cal around. But who wouldn't want to coach for us? We've out recruited everybody in the nation. It's going to put us right back where we belong, restoring the order the way it should be. He has no reason to leave us.

AP - You do realize that you don't even have the most national titles in your own conference?

JHF - You're so uninformed. It's amusing how little you know about football.

AP - Just a few more questions...

JHF - Good, because because me and my Huskerpedia friends are all meeting the team after practice to clap for them and yell "Husker Power" as they walk back to their dorms. It's gonna be great.

AP - Ummmm, OK. What do you have to say to critics who believe that your last two wins were a fluke, and you're not going to live up to such high expectations.

JHF - We'll show them. They're just jealous. Jealous of who we are. Jealous of our success.

AP - Jealous of your....(heh) sanctimonious intellect?

JHF - (puzzled look) Huh?

AP - Last question regarding the recent addition of ASU transfer Sam Keller...

JHF - (high pitch squeal)

AP - I take it you approve of the move to get him?

JHF - It's simple really. He understands greatness. Even when he wasn't publicly thinking about transferring...way back four days ago...he was thinking about how great it would be to play in Memorial Stadium in front of the best fans in college football.

AP - You really believe that

JHF - You'll be sorry when he wins the Heisman

AP - Do you really believe that?

JHF - Pfffffft. Why wouldn't he? He has Coach Cal, Jay (Norvell) and our coaching staff. The guy beat USC last year!!!

AP - No he didn't. USC beat Arizona State last year.

JHF - Idiot

AP - Thanks for sitting down with me today.


AP - Uhhhhh, yeah.

(No Associated Press (c)reporter was harmed during the filming of this fictional account)
("Joe Husker Fan" is a registered trademark of Hick Incorporated, all rights reserved)


Anonymous Obsessed Husker Fan said...

WOW. That was actually unbelievably funny! I liked it AJ! Good work. Youre still a tool, but you make me laugh. Keep on hating!

9:14 PM  
Blogger AJ said...


That was actually an old e-mail that I sent a buddy a few years ago. (I changed some things obviously).

I had a lot more time on my hands back then...(even more so than it seems now)


10:59 PM  
Anonymous Tiger_on_the_move75 said...

Keep it up AJ, this blog of yours is hysterical. Seriously though, have you ever thought about doing this professionally? Then again the corn shucker jackoffs (Forrest Gump's words, not mine) provide you with some fertile fields to mine don't they?

9:15 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'd love to someday. Only problem is...the market for Anti-Husker prose is limited. :)

I like to write. I like to fight back against my Husker buddies who give me shit all the time. It gets to be pretty easy after 20 years of it or so.

Thanks for stopping by.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good stuff..But Solich wasnt an in state recruit. He is from Ohio. Still, very funny.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was absolutely hilarious. While reading it, I was picturing the guy down the hall, who preaches, "the Huskers can do no wrong" sermon everyday.

It also sounded like my friend from Colorado, and my brother-in-law, and another relative married to the Pac-10.

Fans that are unwilling to call a spade a spade are what frustrate me the most. For instance, the parent that thinks their child should is the star on the little league baseball team, despite the kid running to the wrong base after he's been hit by a pitch because he was standing on home plate during his at bat.

Husker program had some success last year, not because they got settled into the program, not because the recruits are supposedly NFL draft quality. I see it as the Huskers played a weak opening schedule, and the Big 12 North was weak last year. The Huskers that believe that was a quality win over Michigan were evidently watching a different game. The Michigan team looked unmotivated, and had no desire, they just showed up.

Calling a spade a spade, Nebraska should be out of the top 25 by the thrid week, and not make a return.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Buffs said...

"Sanctimonious intellect"

Freakin awesome.

Goes along with the "disingenuous class" of clapping for Pacific as they walk off the field from a 50 point thrashing...

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gotta go with Buff's,

"AP - Jealous of your....(heh) sanctimonious intellect?

JHF - (puzzled look) Huh?"

Had iced tea comming out of my nose on that one.

Nice job AJ. Always enjoyed your work on Tigerboard, will have to come here more.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

The Big XII North has always been weak-- and I say this as a former Cyclone. Seriously, compared to Texas, Oklahoma, A&M, and Tech the B12N is nothing more than a group of Baylors.

I've said it once, I'll say it again:
Winning the Big 12 North is lke winning a Democratic primary in the state of Nebraska... sure you get some attention, but the reality of it is that it's just an invitation to your own personal ass-pounding.

2:02 AM  
Blogger Dr. Buffenstien said...

There is really only one thing worse than winning the big 12 north title. Defeating the champions in a fluke game and "Restoring the Order" back to a third place.

Watching a few drunken asshole Husker fans getting their asses arrested after they tried to turn the Pearl Street mall area into 72nd and Dodge last year brought tears of joy.

This is one of my favorites AJ. I am sure that on 09/30 our two teams will play a great game.
Funny, why is it two other big 12 team fans can get along as long as one is not Nebraska? I never hear of anyone but Nebraska fan crying foul over some of the same behavior that the "greatest football fans" in the world do themselves.(Throwing crap on the field for one).

I enjoyed the World Herald's big Husker blow job section today to. I wrapped my sons shitty diaper in it and threw it out to where it belongs, and thought..somewhere a hick in this state is putting that in a box and saving that, then I got creeped out.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

I'm sure the good Doctor might have an explanation for this... but I believe there is a fine line involving IQs or ACT scores and how the Husker Section of the paper is received.

I believe that line is about 110 IQ points... or a 13 score on the ACTs. (A monkey once scored a 14 on the ACTs just by spelling his name correctly... FACT.)

Those of us above that threshold found the proper uses of that section to be as toilet paper, as fish wrap, or in the Doctor's case-- wrapping dirty diapers.

Those who fell below that threshold-- you know the types: they wear overalls, run around with wheat in their teeth and corn in their pockets, wear red, and think the Huskers are the greatest team ever-- find inappropriate uses... they save them, frame them, and sometime even jack off to it.

Of course, it's all they can do with it-- it's not like they can read it. Maybe someday, hicks... maybe someday.

3:34 PM  

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