Death by Data

Last week, South Park aired an episode that poked fun at our reliance on the internet. It kind of got me thinking that it wasn’t really THAT long ago, that e-mail was just something that tech-nerds used to break down binary code and trade Dungeons and Dragons strategies. But alas, America Online came along, and the world was well on its way to complete and total online reliance.

Now needless to say, I’m not going to go on some Unabomber rampage about the dangers of technology. I personally enjoy my internet radio, my ability to pinpoint directions on a digital globe at the touch of a button and yes…the chance it has given me to rail on the biggest collection of arrogant sports fans on the planet.

But with all of the great things the internet has given us, it has equally inflicted us with annoying and devastating side effects. Sure, I could mention things like porn addiction, gambling sites and hell…even Al Qaeda uses the internet to post beheadings to the masses. (Who of course, eat them up and broadcast them all over.) But in this case, I’m talking about an overabundance of information that has engulfed our brains and taken over our lives.

Enter this weekend’s NFL draft.

Back in the day, ESPN still took up ½ a day to break down all the things that make the NFL great. Back then, we relied on Mel Kiper and whatever other talking head as they babbled on, showering us with information and splashy and fancy graphics.

But today, that just simply isn’t enough. Just as with the idiotic onslaught of data that has bombarded us regarding the inexact science known as recruiting….the information age has now ruined the NFL draft as well. How so you ask? I don’t mind when Mel Kiper rambles on, because I know that’s his job. But what I don’t need is every single fan, yayhoo, nutjob and local radio hack to preach about how much they know. (CoughMikelSevereCough)

I’m not sure what it is about the future telling business that gets on my nerves so much. Perhaps it’s because I don’t physically NEED football 12 months a year. Yes, the off-season is too long, but I really don’t need to be sitting in my basement on a Saturday morning in April, breaking down the abilities of the 4th rated offensive lineman that may or may not get picked up by the Bills.

It’s not that I simply don’t care…it’s that I’m annoyed as all hell that you care so goddamn much.

Regardless, the abundance of digital information is never going to go away, and the microgeeks that warship numbers, stats and data will stick around forever as well. But that doesn’t mean I can’t long for the good ole days, when every clown, dick and Husker fan wasn’t peppering me with the vital statistics of some dude who will be cut by the first week of camp, and end up sitting the bench in the Arena League. You may have that sort of time and drive…but apparently I don’t.

** The draft did produce some funny moments for me though. Remember 365 days ago when you people were preaching to anybody who would listen how great the senior combo of J.C. Keller, Mo Purify and Corey McKeon were and how they were poised to roll over the Big 12 on their way to Canton and a big crystal trophy? Funny how time changes things huh? Good luck to them in training camp where they will battle it out for precious practice squad playing time. Or, good luck to them at UPS driver training school….whichever comes first.

** Speaking of me being right all of the time about the Huskers, nice to see the Hick nation getting some love from the “National Press” regarding what a bang-up job Bo is doing to whip the Huskers back into shape this spring.

Now I hate to be the voice of reason here (again), and I’m certainly not going to break up the big myopic pajama party you got going on now that Bill Callahan has been ceremoniously kicked to the curb. But just why in the hell are we supposed to believe anything like this?

I’m serious…the rest of us have spent the better part of FOUR (Plus) seasons, reading national reports about what a great job Callahan is doing, and how the program is moving into the next century. We saw ridiculously high pre-season rankings that you wouldn’t be able to live up to in 1,000,000 years. We saw Tom Lemming and other ‘experts’, blather on about how your great “tradition” is going to pull you through the tough times.

Are you this dumb? NOBODY outside of me knew what was really going on here…what on earth makes you think that the National media knows anything about your pseudo resurgence? And most importantly, why are you people actually FALLING for this again? Why on earth would you put ANY stock into ANYTHING anybody from the national media says about you? Why don’t you listen to somebody who actually knows you and deals with your shit every day?

And I’ll say this again, my job is actually easier when you have some success. The past year or so…as rewarding as it’s been to watch you destroy yourselves…has been extremely difficult in a business sense. What I need is for you to start believing again. I need you is to start making even more ridiculous claims that can be openly mocked by the rest of us. For the sake of this blog and my sanity…I need you to act…well…like you.

Come to think of it…forget everything I've said over the past few years.

You’re great.

Don’t listen to me.