An Air-Traveler's Rant - Never Again.....

I've allowed myself a few days to calm down, after yet another fun-filled trip on Southwest airlines. Before I get too far down this road, let me just say there are a lot of people who can't afford to fly a lot, and thus, Southwest is a great option. Hell, they must be doing something right, because they pound the snot out of just about every other non-bargain airline out there. For that, they must be commended.

However, a few days ago...I saw just how freaky and unpleasant the unfriendly skies and be. First and foremost, WHO IN THE HELL picked the colors blue, red, orange and brown? Were they picked out of a hat? Every single high school marketing class in the nation tells you that you must have great color schemes, and an outstanding logo...yet somehow, Southwest defys that logic.

And yet the fun doesn't stop with just the color of the planes. First of all, can somebody tell me why it is so gosh damn difficult to assign your passenger's seats? WHO IN THE HELL came up with the idea of cattle-call open seating? One good thing however with this policy is the fact that you can always make fun of somebody...standing at the front of the 'A' line, 90 minutes before the flight leaves....waiting to be #1 in line, so they can sit in 8A instead of that crappy 7A. Fucking losers.

So my flight into hell begins about an hour before the flight leaves. Just in case I didn't catch the gate, I can easily find the Southwest gate by the site of travelers' using Wal-Mart bags as luggage. I'm not kidding...THREE different people had giant plastic bags as carry ons. Also in the gate area were 6 women...Probably in their 70's...dressed as flappers. Read that again....70's aged women...dressed as flappers....on the plane. Is it THAT hard to wait til you get to Orlando to change into your Halloween costumes? Is there a contest on board? Should I have dressed as Libarace?

After our 90 minute delay, (Talent show on the connecting flight must have run long), we board the plane like cattle. After shoving and pushing to get our OUTSTANDING favorite seat. (The plane was 2/3 full)..we finally get moving. But the takeoff is no ordinary takeoff. On every single other of the 100's of other flights were taken...you go up...gradually get to cruising altitude..and level off. Not Southwest pilot. Out of Omaha we go straight up...and stay going straight up. I'm not sure if the guy was trying to see how close to the moon he could get, but it wasn't natural. This isn't necessarily a BAD thing, but it makes me wonder what kind of pilot these clowns hire. Speaking of clowns...

WHO decided that it would be funny for the Flight Attendants to wear funny hats and sunglasses during takeoff? Is that why the flappers were onboard? Was there a reason the entire cast of "Let's make a deal" was on my flight? Was I some sort of freak for being dressed in shorts and a polo shirt? (And carrying an actual leather bag?)

Just as our flight ends, it's time for the main event....FLIGHT ATTENDANT COMEDY NIGHT!!! For the final 10 minutes of taxi, our flight attendant Shecky gives us his best Seinfeld routine, with Bob Saget material. Even better...he introduces a female flight attendant who apparently tried out for American Idol. No joke..I think she really did. Problem was...her little ripoff of "Rockin robin" was almost painful to listen too. Not because she had a bad voice, but because the entire plane of Wal-Mart shopping, KFC eating passengers decided to clap along and shout.

I'm not going to lie to you...I'm an airline snob. I think I'm better than everybody else, because I travel often. However, nothing prepared me for the horror of sideshows that awaited me on Southwest flight 2738. If you enjoy an evening of playing Slap Happy, watching reruns of full house while listening to Ray Stevens albums...this was your flight. But for me...all I wanted to do was get to St. Louis on time....in peace...and far away from 70 year olds showing fishnets.

Never again.