November 2, 2006

Let's Play Global Thermonuclear War

I have failed you.

One of the comments on the previous posts nailed me...I've come what I hate. Over the past few days, I've let the fan in me take over. I've broken down the games in my head...I've checked out the matchups. I've looked at stats. I've through out scenarios in my head. I've read articles. I've listened to talk radio. I've done every single little thing a fan does before his team goes into a big game.

What a fool I've been.

I have failed you, because I've barely scratched the surface of what tomorrow's game is all about. I've always prided myself on looking at the big picture...and thanks to hype and semi-decent Mizzou team....I've narrowed this down to just one game, played between four white lines. This game is not about 60 minutes of football played between four white lines. This game is about life or death.

Not life or death as some of you may think...but truly life and death of an entire football program. This is life and death of a lifestyle, a self-indulgent, self-focused, back-patting-til-your-arm-breaks culture practiced by 2.1 million people who don't have anything better to fucking do. I've been tempted too much to focus on the actual game...and not the impending doom that is about to become of one fo college football's most storied programs.

My good friend Husker Mike and I have gone back and fourth on this subject of "must wins" for Bill Callahan and the Nebraska program. Although he sees it as obviously a big game...I see it as much much more. Should the Missouri Tigers walk off of Tom Osborne Field tomorrow victorious...this state will sink into the valley of death, as the four horsemen descend from the heavens. A giant swarm of locusts will rise up out of Salt Creek, and a wall of fire will cascade down up on the citizens of a once thriving football metropolis. Nuclear winter. The End of the World as we Know it. Armageddon dressed in black and gold.

The great thing is, you all know I'm right. You sit back and judge me...thinking about my tin foil hat and how I can possibly get internet connection in my mom's basement. But the fact of the matter've always known I'm right. It's OK to admit it. It's OK to give in.

One might also think that I'm happy about the possibility of the Husker football program LITERALLY being destroyed in a 3 hour timespan. The truth is, I'm actually quite sad about it. I'm sad, because nuclear a nuclear blast brings a quick and painless suffering. It's like catching Osama Bin Laden...sentencing him to death and then have him die of an infected splinter in his cell the night before he walks the green mile. You don't deserve a quick and painful death of Husker football. You deserve to suffer. Ask Kansas State fan if you should suffer. Ask Colorado fan if you should suffer. Ask Iowa State or Kansas fan...they'll all say the same thing: When Goliath is hit in the eye with the slingshot and falls to the don't walk away and wonder how it ended. You jump on...take your shots....and bludgeon him until there is no pulse.

I cannot say this enough, you arrogant, pompous, self-righteous assholes: You deserve to suffer for what your football program has become over the last 40 years. You deserve to sit back and watch a bunch of toothless hicks give a pity clap for you after they beat you 63-6 in a meaningless November game. You motherfuckers deserve to suffer the humiliation of having some skinny, no-talent, Nebraska bred, shitass wide receiver catch a kicked ball out of mid-fucking air against you. You deserve 40 years of Georgia Tech vs. Cumberland.

You people deserve a lesson of what it's really like to be a fan. Not this "We all drive RV's to games and wear the same sweatshirt so now we're 'great' fans" bullshit. I'm talking living and dying with your team. I'm talking getting kicked in the fucking gut over and over and over again...only to have you so used to it, that eventually you crave it. You deserve to have your stadium taken over by an army of inbreed hillbilies who strut through your town, DARING you to breathe the same air as they.

Regardless of the outcome of tomorrow's game...nuclear armageddon is inevitable. (of course it's probably much worse if MY team was flying the Enola Gay, but I digress) For those of you not paying attention...(and judging by the idiotic denial dripping from my radio every aren't) there is no stopping the bomb from hitting. Harvey Pearlman, Steve Pederson and Bill Callahan have completely fucked your program. Even if you beat Missouri, will the slide stop there? Even if they find themselves at Arrowhead on December 2nd, does that mean "Order" has been restored? (Will Pederson print up t-shirts for another moral victory?) The answer is a resounding "no". Beating Missouri will not stop the nuclear blast...only delay it.

I've waited over 20 years for even the possibility of this day. I've waited years upon years to watch witness this program crash to the ground. I've waited two decades to see you reap what you sew.

You audacious assholes. You pretentious and egotistic fucks. If fate does find your team tomorrow I hope you think of me. I hope as you're watching your "order" being restored as you fall to another 7-5 season you remember that I was right all along. As your defense is giving up another long touchdown pass, as your achromic defensive backs are gasping for air after getting torched for another all your pain and suffering...just as you're about to drop your head in shame...I want your last sane thought to be of me...applauding your return to glory. I will enjoy it...and I will enjoy it thoroughly. With, or even without a loss tomorrow...

Your program.
Your team
Your lifestyle
Your prestige
Your identity
Your hope
Your dreams

And most of all....
Your precious fucking "Order"

Gone. All gone, in a flash with one simple loss.

I hope you pricks rot in hell. Somebody press the red button and get this fucking over with.



Yes, the previous piece of prose was purely a sports metaphor. The author of this blog does not condone nuclear war of any kind or the detonation of a hazardous material not performed by a professional in controlled conditions. It's a shame I have to make this disclaimer, but I know how some of you are. It's just a football game. Jeez


Blogger JGerardi said...

Genius! Just the best post ever.

7:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Black and Gold armageddon. Beautiful.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ, Tech/Cumberland was a revenge game.

John Heisman, coach for Tech at the time, was also the baseball coach. He took his team to Cumberland College where they lost. Cumberland later admitted they used professional players in the game. Heisman was, to say the least, pissed. He offered the Cumberland College football team 2000 dollars to come play at Georgia Tech (2 grand in those days was OUTRAGEOUS). The rest, as they say, was history.

You see the gold before you see the black, because black will be the last thing you see.

8:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are going to blow this mother fawker up tomorrow!!!

Great Post!

Go Tigers!

8:58 AM  
Blogger JP Anderson said...

Hilarious. You're calling Nebraska fans "audacious" ... Do you realize the word means "invulnerable to fear or intimidation" you big dummy? Hey, thanks for the compliment. Next time you use big boy words you should look up the meaning first.

I can't believe you are still crying about that 1997 game. Missouri was 7-5 and gave up 31 points per game that year. Do you think beating Nebraska would have changed anything for your Tigers? Ya lost the Holiday Bowl that year to Colorado State for Pete's sake.

10:56 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Of course I know what it means...I was mocking you. Duh.

As for 97, beating Nebraska would have done a lot for me...namely not having to put up with insults and taunts for 6 more years..and most importantly is 4 National titles vs. 5.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well done, sir. well done

11:01 AM  
Anonymous bhg said...

I'm not certain even a Missouri romp over the Huskers could wake the kool-aid drinkers from their thoughts that Keller will take them to the promised land next year.

(JP, how's my spelling?)

11:39 AM  
Blogger Tee-dub said...

Funny stuff, AJ.

As long as you're looking at the big picture, you might want to consider this:

If Nebraska loses, if Nebraska goes 1-10 next season and Callahan and Pederson both resign in shame, very little will have changed.

Watch how Oklahoma fans behaved for the decade or so before Stoops was hired, and you'll get a sobering realization: the arrogance of the fans won't dissipate one little bit. All through the 90s, Sooner fans bitched and moaned about inept coaches, inept A.D.s, and bad referees. They blamed everyone for getting in the way of the recognition for greatness they knew they deserved. If Oklahoma fans were that way, can you honestly expect Nebraska fans will ever be otherwise?

As you have said, Husker fans believe in their hearts that they and their team are of a higher evolutionary order than everyone else. They believe they have some sort of moral entitlement to greatness, and recognition for that greatness. Losing football games could never put a dent in that.

It was the same way through much of Osborne's tenure, when the team couldn't beat anyone with a pulse, and lost so many bowl games in a row. For years I heard my neighbors blame the coaches, the athletic director, the referees. Hell, they even blamed Brent Musberger for some imagined slight. It never occurred to them that God didn't care whether their team won or lost.

Nebraska could lose ten games a year for the next ten years, and you'll still be annoyed by the Nebraska fans. It will never, ever, occur to them that they're wrong.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


If I understand, your premise for hating Nebraska fans is based on the moniker that they are the classiest fans in football, which is easy when they spent many years beating almost everyone they played. Add to the fact that Nebraska fans repeat this moniker ad naseaum and they deserve your bile.

Your premise has a problem. Many people as unbiased as possible say the same thing about Nebraska fans. That alone doesn't make your premise a complete fallacy. But you need to listen to these same people compare Nebraska fans not to the Missouri's of the world, but to other elite programs who spent most of their time beating everyone else. Nebraska fans are classier than Missouri fans because it's easy when you win. But they are also classier than Michigan fans, and Notre Dame fans, and Ohio State fans, and Oklahoma fans, and Texas fans, and Alabama fans, and USC fans, etc. Most everyone believes this, unless you are an unabashed fan with an unabashed bias, like yourself. You can continue to cite anecdotal evidence to the contrary but it hardly carries water.

I would say that your blog would be more respected if you gave up this premise and just spewed the hate.

1:02 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Wait a second...."they're classier than _____ fans" blah blah blah.

Says who?

Says you?

Did you win some sort of contest to become fan judge of all things college football? Where in the HELL do you come up wtih that?

THIS is what I'm talking about. The CONSTNAT, NEVER ENDING "DIG US" attitude that comes flying out of your pie-holes and keyboards 24/7/365. You are more worried about what other people think of you than you are about your own current state of your program.

You care SO much about being loved and respected, that you don't even bother to notice that everything people thought of you anyway had changed. YOU and your fans are not "classier" than anybody else, and if you think that way..then you've snowed yourself. (ewwww)

The truth is, you complain I have no "basis" to put these types of thoughts down..but I most certainly am an expert. I don't judge Husker fans when I'm setting at a game in Lincoln, or when I'm at my Sunday church picnic when we all wear the same t-shirt and talk about Bob Devaney all day long.

I see Husker fan as the enemy living among you..and THAT makes me an expert. Anybody can just spout "hate". This is not about "hate". It's about exposing you as the frauds that you are.

The only reason "everybody believes this" is because there are ZERO media outlets out here to tell you otherwise. You have no rivals. You have no cities close by to prove you wrong. You all think the same and ESPN is 1,500 miles away. Everybody "belives this" because nobody knows you.

I do.

Thanks for stopping by. I love 60mph hanging curve balls like that.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2 things here.

note that I'm an NU fan who lives in Lincoln and has season tickets. let's just say I've seen some students do things I'd never think of doing. I've heard plenty of f-bombs during my time as a season ticket holder.

and I know what it's like to be a fan of a team that's kicked in the gut over and over...that's because I'm a Houston Astros fan. 44 years since that franchise has been alive...never won the Series, only made it once, and is a franchise that has kicked us in the nuts over and over. 1980 vs. the Phillies...1986, Game 6, and Kevin Bass vs. the Mets (a game that made certain Astros fans I know cry). 1997 through 2001 vs. the f-ing evil empire in Atlanta. Getting swept and eliminated by the South's not easy when God tempts a team like that and proceeds to kick it in the nuts over and over. My mother and I make running jokes about when they'll blow it on certain summer's so bad she can't even watch the games anymore.

and for what it's worth, if NU doesn't play better than it did in the second half last Saturday, Missouri will kick their ass tomorrow.


3:04 PM  
Anonymous Obsessed Husker Fan said...


AJ, you are damn hilarious, I hope I can meet you Saturday, where are your seats for the game? Ill be in student section. I know youre too pussy to show yourself, but I think it would be cool to meet you. Tell me your seats and Ill come talk a little friendly trash with ya before the game!

3:32 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OHF are you fucking crazy? I get death threats all the you think I'm dumb enough to actually meet one of you freaks? ;) I've got a family to think about man.

Call it being a "pussy" or whatever...but come fucking stupid do you think I am?

3:44 PM  
Anonymous KSU Fan said...

Clap. Clap. Clap.

Much better AJ.

3:47 PM  
Blogger JP Anderson said...

you are welcome at our tailgate, AJ

just don't bring HuskerMike or BHG

those guys are a buzz kill

4:10 PM  
Blogger joebob said...

aj -

Please - never, ever give them more than they have rightfully earned. Nebraska's football team has won 4.5 National Championships, not 5 regardless of what they say.

BTW - you comments about there being absolutely nobody to tell them they're wrong is right on. Especially them being the only major university in the entire state. Imagine the difference if there were actually enough intelligent people in that state to support 2 major universities - but there aren't.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No one is around to tell you otherwise?" Ha. What about all the visiting fans from various teams over the years claiming that Nebraska fans are the some of the classiest and most knowledgeable fans in the nation? What about those that say that Lincoln is the greatest place to experience college football...period. (Texas fans come to mind...check What about the players of the big 12 who ranked Nebraska as having the best fans in the conference? You're goddamned right no one tells us that we aren't the best fans (other than you and CU fans I suppose) but it's not because we aren't near any major's because we are. Deal with it. :D -Smug Nebraska Fan

7:58 PM  
Anonymous IA Bart said...

You are one funny pot-head focker!!!
I will be rooting for the Tiggers this weekend. My prediction is they'll only have to score 24 points to win. Can't-a-han will throw out the anchor in the 2nd quarter.
Personally, I still wish Solich was there but Can't-a-han is a close second.
I wonder who the huskies will get in the\can I name my daughter Tom Bowl on December 12th.....

8:13 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I can't tell if the 2nd to last post was a joke or not.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Dr. Buffenstien said...

WOW, I feel the hate today. "Another website said we had good fans" Wow, Tito, get me a tissue already.

Don't let me down today Tigers.

GO Tigers!


8:43 AM  
Anonymous Section96 said...

See, I told you that it just takes time for the steam in the boiler to rise to the top.

Excellent rant, AJ. Good luck this morning.

How come you weren't at the game last night? Another tight defensive hockey game at the Qwest. Not.

8:58 AM  
Blogger joebob said...

No, aj, I don't think it was a joke at all. Its just typical nubb fan's view of himself.

Go Tigers!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'm talking living and dying with your team. I'm talking getting kicked in the fucking gut over and over and over again"

Its just a game, the kids that play dont even care that much. I bet the nebraska players and mizzu players both went out and had beers last night. They will get up and watch some crappy NFL game on sunday. And go to class on monday. Its not that big of deal to either side, at least to 90% of the players. Thats how college sports is.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'm talking living and dying with your team. I'm talking getting kicked in the fucking gut over and over and over again"

Its just a game. Players from both sides went out and had beers last night. Both teams will watch the NFL tomorrow. I bet both will go to class monday. The players dont care as much as the fans do. Thats how college sports works. Dont live and die with a team. Its a sport and the players dont care half as much as you do.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you really want all of the Nebraska fans to start posting links to every article about Nebraska fans that comes from outside the state?

9:34 PM  

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