5 Questions and a Cloud of Missed Tackles

Quit it.

During this, a time of great turmoil for you and your team, we are all forced to excel in roles that we are not used to. Just as I don’t really like stomping on your rotting scarlett carcass day in and day out….we can just as easily look at this from another direction.

Over the past few weeks, I've stated that the disease infested larvae oozing cockroach, also known as Husker fan, has begun to organize once again…just as I predicted. Maybe you have noticed a bit of a shift, as some Husker fans remain introverted and calm as they reflect just how in the holy hell they’re going to EVER get back to the outrageous expectations? Then there are others, who have completely thrown reason out the window and immediately chugged the nearest gallon jug of Kool Aid and have engaged in an insurgent attack of stupidity and ridiculousness.

I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not completely comfortable with this situation either. It’s not that easy to root for a team that has sucked your whole life, and suddenly find yourself rooting for a top 5 program. And no, as fulfilling and satisfying as it is to watch you sit in smoldering ruins….it actually takes a bit more energy to find new and exciting ways to mock and taunt you from high atop my perch on the top of the mountain.

But on the other hand, in the role of a defeated and aged former heavyweight champ, you have collectively and absolutely no flippin clue how to act. In an argument where you used to spit out facts and numbers like they were crumbs of Stove Top Stuffing tumbling out of Mark Mangino’s chins…you now rely on your team’s performance from over a decade ago, schedule bashing and reference to a mythical (yet blatantly ripped off) facsimile of “scoreboards” that track MIP’s and disturbing the peace tickets of your most talented opponents.

Seriously, who in the hell do you think you are? What in the name of holy hell gives you the actual NERVE to pop off about ANYTHING at this point? Have you even SEEN yourselves lately? Holy shit, if you’re this ridiculously under prepared and out gunned now for football discussions now, what the hell are you going to be like when you’re 3-5 in late October? If you’re making ridiculous claims about other North teams, how completely and totally delusional are you going to be when a low-level south team is up 38-0 on you at halftime? (Whoops, that actually happened.)

The fact of the matter is, some of you simply do not have the smarts to hold your fire to those (like me) who have certainly earned the right to verbally pummel you into submission on a daily basis. I mean, what on earth could you POSSIBLY have to bring to an argument? You’ve won the Big 12 ONCE since 1999. The closest you got to a BCS game was the Cotton Bowl…which if I remember correctly late last year, was according to you: the bowl equivalent of staying at an Econo Lodge in Boise.

Maybe I’m asking too much of you people? Maybe me spending 20 years defending a team that trotted out Kent Skornia, Jimmy Daugherty and Kirk Farmer year after year made me that much better than you at defending myself? Maybe it’s lame to me because I saw what a complete and total train wreck you were going to be before all of you did?

Regardless of all that, we have indeed switch roles. And with that, we have questions. Oh don’t get me wrong…I have no questions about my own team…and I really don’t have many questions about other teams either. Colorado is rapidly improving. K-State is trying to plug holes quickly, Iowa State is young and lost their two best players. Kansas is a fraud and will feel the sting of playing actual D1 teams this season. But lost in all this are the key questions I have about you going into the meat of the off season. Let’s examine shall we?

5) Who is next to get arrested?
With Mo Purify out and while the Christensen kid has made some nice strides stepping into Mark Vedral’s shoes…the jury is still out on just who will become the next great Husker thug. I remember the glory days of backup quarterbacks banging your star player’s woman. I recall like it was yesterday when a backup receiver was caught “partying” with a 14 year old girl and his cousin at a trailer court. Hell, I remember when your starting wide receiver was such a thug that he had a godamn bullet in his ass. Who will carry on the tradition? Who will step up and sucker punch a defenseless fan and claim self defense?

4) Can you handle the truth?
As I stated in the paragraphs above, some of you simply cannot handle the fact that you’re suddenly San Jose State with brighter uniforms and a fancier scoreboard. Some of you were hurt, while the others cheered your own defeat...just so the keys to Memorial Stadium can be handed back to a member of the “family” (Even though a “family member” was just fired and replaced by a 900 year old ego-driven hypocrite and his 1-game wonder coach who’s defense gave up 24 points or more in 8 games last season.) My guess is…no. Those of you who are promising to approve progress, will be right back here in a year..wondering who to fire next as you swing into the air like a drunken prize fighter.

3) Can Joe Ganz handle the pressure?
No. He can’t. His numbers were a complete sham last season due to the fact that his defense was on the field less than many of your fans were. Can he POSSIBLY handle the pressure of dealing with all 1.8 million of you crazy bastards? No...flippin...way.

2) WWTD?
Yes..what would Tom do? After you realize that dusty trophies and 30 year old pictures hanging on a wall don’t’ win games, what will be the next excuse? What will be next to be "brought back" in order to resurrect the ghosts of the past? The return of Diet Rite to the concession stands? Digging up the dead bones of Bob Devaney and propping him up on the sidelines Weekend and Bernie’s style? Single face masks and helmets with a plain single letter on them? Can't wait to find out.

And the number one question to be answered prior to the season opener:

1) How fast will you turn on Bo Pelini?
Not to say we haven’t heard this song sung before, but you people gave Bill Callahan a five year extension just EIGHT WEEKS before you wanted to run him out of town on a rail. Bo Pelini satisfies the twisted desires of both sides of the Husker Civil war: He’s “old school” enough for the “Frankophiles” and he’s a product of newly generated hype as seen by some of you actually CLAIM he was the reason LSU won the National Title last year. (Ummm, if that crazy bastard Les Miles doesn’t hit the lotto on some of those late game calls last year, Pelini would simply have been known as “Bo that former defensive coordinator that all the LSU fans wanted kicked to the curb.” ) I have my money on week 9, but we shall see.

The season is coming and time to answer these and other questions is running out.

* Still working on the website changes and the upcoming greatest Huskers segment. Stay with me.