July 13, 2006

Huskers over USC? Put it down....

Just stop.

It's freaking July, and I've already heard it at least 3 times this week. You know what I'm talking about, because if you live in Nebraska, you've heard the exact same thing. From combines in Scottsbluff, to combines in McCook, to combines in Norfolk, to tractors in Kearney, to combines in Cozad to yuppies in downtown Omaha...it's echoing like thunder.

"Nebraska is going to give USC a game and may even win this year"

Are you people on fucking crack?
Seriously. Have you lost your minds?

This is why I love you people so much. Let's hop in Doc's 1985 Delorean and head way way way back in time....namely November 5th, 2005...a short 8, yes 8 months ago. On that day in a smelly hilltop in Lawrence, Kansas...a group of twinkle-toed KU burnouts...who were DEAD LAST in the Big 12 in total offense at the time...rolled up 428 yards of total offense and 40 points in a 25 point colon-pounding of the Huskers. It was quite possibly rock bottom for many of you, and about the time the line to jump off of the Woodman was wrapping around the block.

But then...something miraculous happened. A monumental 2 point win over the worst Kansas State team in 15 years (at home mind you) turned the ship around. Then a win over a CU team that quit faster than Eric Crouch in a triathlon. Then the HUGE win over Michigan in the bowl game, which Kirk Herbstreet called, "The worst officiated game I've ever seen in college football.

Yet somehow...some way. In some mystical, acid-laced, PCP coated, heroin induced state of stoned....THOUSANDS of you are myopic enough and/or mentally disturbed enough to even give the NOTION that you will win at USC.

Please take a moment to let the ridiculous of these concept sink in.

What's that? You're still not convinced? Think I'm some crackpot blogger with nothing but hate running through my veins, and contempt for the greatest collection of college athletes god ever put on a 100-yard long field?


Once again...don't take my word for it...take the facts. Let's do this FAQ style:

- "Hey idiot, USC lost everybody. They're going to suck"
No they didn't. They lost a QB and a running back. (And his backup). Unlike Bill Callahan, who only seems to recruit QB's and running back...this is not Tecmo Bowl. You do need other positions to win. Case in point one name you will hear over and over on September 16th.... Dwayne Jarrett.

WHO? You ask? 1,200 yards+, 16TD's, 91 catches. (Yes, 91)

Did I mention that their #2 WR is back as well in Steve Smith. (957 yards, 60 catches, 5TD's)

Good thing you have such great DB's.

(PS - Do you still have the DB's that look like Doogie Howser?)

- "Hey idiot, who's going to throw to him? Lienart is gone."
Didn't we hear this when Carson Palmer left? Don't we hear this pretty much anytime a USC QB leaves? How come whenever NU has the #20 recruiting class in the country, people cream their overalls, yet when USC puts together 100 back-to-back-to-back etc top 3 recruiting classes...all of a sudden, they're headed down the shitter? I love how this works. John David Booty played just fine last year, throwing for over 60% and over 320 yards...including 3 TD's. (See Jarrett above)

- "Hey idiot, their defense sucked last year"
Uhhhh...so did yours, but that doesn't mean they can't stop the juggernaut 107th rushing game in the nation from 2005.

- "Hey idiot, we have Zach Attack...we'll throw all day on them"
Uhhhh...meet Oscar Lua, Keith Rivers and one of the top 5 linebacking corps in the nation. Although the the USC DB's are not of the NFL caliber that the Huskers have (I giggled out loud), they do return Josh Pinkard and three of the most highly touted young DB's in the game. Not that it will matter, because Zach Taylor will be on his back more than Paris Hilton after 10 drinks.

- "Hey idiot...we're going to bring 300,000 Husker fans to LA for the game. It'll be a home game.
Uhhhh...they've won 27 straight games in the Coliseum, and over 60,000 season ticket holders. I think there will be quite a bit of gold in the stands. Oh, did I mention the giddiness I get when I think about Elmer and Velma Redneck from Pawnee City, cruising through South Central looking for a parking space? My god, if you people threw a pissy fit when some guy stole your hat in Pennsylvania a few years ago...what on EARTH is going to happen to you hayseeds when you go trolling through THAT neighborhood. This will be great.

The actual gaul that some of you people have is amazing. Seriously....how on EARTH can you go from getting your bowels spilled out against mighty Kansas one day...and then less than a year later beat USC IN LOS ANGELES?!?!?! Are you all high? Do you all want to win SO BADLY that you'll convince yourself that up is down, black is white just to make it happen? Winning those games in Colorado and San Antonio may have been the absolute worst possible things that could have happened to you people. I'm not saying there isn't good talent there, because there is. I'm not saying you can't win the north, nor am I saying that you can't win a few games that you would have pissed a way just a few years ago.

But to actually think you can waltz into an environment like that...(without their coach quitting the next day) and push around a team with THAT much talent....is borderline.....wait. Not borderline....IS some of the most myopic horseshit I've ever heard spouted off into oxygen. Unless of course Pete Carrol gets caught with a hooker and leaves his team for dead or something crazy...in which case you'd only get beat by 20 points instead of 40...but whatever.

Just keep telling yourself the Emperor has on snazzy clothes, and that order will be restored in no time.

Good luck with that.



Blogger AJ said...

Let the record show....Nitty is the reason I wrote this.

Thanks for stopping by.

Nitty, you suck.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, its not for sure. Nebraska still has a lot of room for improvement, but are you going to attempt suicide if Nebraska does get good again? What would you do with yourself, root for Nebraska?

2:30 PM  
Blogger Adam said...


2:32 PM  
Blogger Husker Mike said...

You'll get a kick out of this one, AJ. On one of the more juvenile Husker forums I check, I found a Husker fan who thinks we'll lose to USC because of one reason:
The game is in the Pacific time zone, and will end after our bed time. We won't play well because we'll be too tired.

8:16 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

That's pretty funny Mike. That's almost as good as the Band excuse in Tempe in 1996.

I will say after 1000 hits today, the amount of hate mail is pretty light, although I got some decent ones. NOTHING like I did before...but still pretty tame.

Funny thing is...I'm not even blasting the Huskers THAT bad...all I'm saying is that people who think/know that they're going to beat USC need their sanity checked. USC, despite losing some key players is still loaded.

CAN they pull the upset? I guess anything can happen. But the more I looked on paper..the more ridiculous it sounded.

PS - Be sure you tell them all that you know me and that I'm a swell guy. ;)

8:29 PM  
Blogger Sam said...

Husker fans are dilusional. Husker fans like in the past. Why? Because it's all the got. They, through some mythical connection (I think they're all cousins), were on top of the world through some flukes in the 70s (it was a time of heavy drugs) and the 90s (blood thinners are a performance enhancing drug)... and it was the only thing the godforsaken state had going for it. I'm not impressed.

The Huskers think they'll bring 300,000 (I'm sure that will be the announced figure by the OWH, when the real figure is 300) to the 619? Notre Dame tried it-- they failed. Shit, the Felons tried it in State College and failed. Though the visit to the left coast will be good for comic value-- hearing the horror stories of being called biznatches (and not knowing what that means), or seeing a gun that can be held in one hand. When they're done, they can go visit the streets surrounding the Orange Bowl, just for nostalgia sake.

But you know that through all the Barbaro-endused dilusions (I'm also wondering if this is side effect of Ethanol), they've already got their excuses lined up-- like the one about playing past their bedtimes. Then again, lights out is at 8 in Lincoln, and the warden has permitted the Felons tostay up later than that before. They also have the excuse of playing away from the State Penn, and the officials they've paid off-- I always found it interesting that games in Lincoln ALWAYS have the same ref (though, I understand he retired last year).

Here's the best one yet, though-- we all remember what happened in Norman, the last time guns were fired near a Blackskirt player. They're going to encounter that just getting off the plane at LAX. In the words of Flounder: "Oh boy, is this great!"

12:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smelly hilltop in Lawrence. Columbia is a great place to take a dump on your way to St. Louis! No other reason to go there, unless of course, its to see KU defeat MU for the 4th straight year...

6:59 AM  
Blogger Husker Mike said...

Actually, I got bounced from that pre-pubescent Husker forum, though I still check it out occasionally for laughs. They got all freaked out when I suggested that Callahan probably needed to recruit another JuCo quarterback as an insurance policy for Harrison Beck (bum shoulder, as many completions as interceptions). Too much sugar in the kool-aid will do that to kids...

Looks like PuddyTat nation in the Little Apple is enjoying your post as well...

9:04 AM  
Anonymous ChrisWildcatFan said...

Great post. Sums up everything I've ever thought about Nebraska.

11:21 AM  
Blogger huskers1730 said...

And now the winner for DOUCHEBAG of the year.................AJ

1:07 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Let the record show also, that the "douschebag of the year" smack is quite possibly the lamest attempt at smack I've ever seen.

5:00 PM  

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