Willie and the Soybean people

Alright KSU fans....it's you and me this week. Mizzou fans rooting for KSU? No biggie. Normally I would cheer for Al Qaeda if they had a football team lining up against the Huskers. Therefore, I have absolutely no problem throwing up my Lynn Dickey poster, sliding on my Bill Snyder t-shirt, slapping on my EMAW bumper sticker and hopping on the purple bandwagon for one week. As a newbie to the wonderful world of being a fan of a football team who doesn't suck, I hereby throw my support to my purple-clad brothers-in-Husker-Hating arms this week. (Despite our match up the following week.)

There's a reason Husker fans hate coming to Manhattan for games (Besides the fact that you guys kick their ass most years). And that reason is making the howdy-doody people feel uncomfortable. I'm not talking dumping a warm cup of urine on the Monsanto hat wearing, red clad douche in front of you at the game. I'm not talking slashing tires of every combine and red ford pickup in the parking lot. I'm talking about uncomfortable. The ONLY thing that pisses Husker fan off more than you failing to recognize what a great fan he is, is traveling however many miles from Fairbury/McCook/Pawnee/North Bend/Wherever...only to see the Huskers get their ass handed to them. For that reason, I am asking...no...I'm BEGGING you....do whatever you can to make these people's trip to central Kansas a living hell. Scream in their ear. Ask them if Eric Crouch can meet with you in your home to talk about term life coverage. Ask him if Mike Rozier ever found his Orange Bowl ring in that giant fish bowl full of crack. I feel rather slimy for asking that of you guys...but as the race for the north heats up, I feel I need to ask you this favor in light of my own team's tough game in College Station this week. I know your hatred of the corn is strong, so hopefully this won't be a tough sell.

With that being said, it only took 8 days for Husker fan to climb down off the ledge, and take his rightful place as the all-knowing, all-loving, all-around greatest fan on the planet. Listening to 810 WHB in KC yesterday, a Nebraska caller nervously rampaged to afternoon host Kevin Keitzman that not only that the North sucks and Missouri a fraud, but that Texas Tech actually dominated the game for much of the evening. As you can tell, moonshine consumption is still alive and kicking in the corn belt. (Apparently turnovers caused by defensive pressure is no longer a part of football. I'm waiting any day now for Grant Wistrom and Christian Peter to ask that Tom Osborne forfeit all three national titles because some of the games were swayed by the other team turning the ball over.)

As I've said many times before, I'm not about to go rattling off reasons my team should be ranked in the top 10, because although beating a good Tech team (they suck according to most Big 12 fans) on the road at night is a great achievement, they're "still Missouri" and as we all know...God hates Missouri fans. But like a opossum trapped in the corner of an outhouse, Husker fan will suddenly lash out (usually filled with lice, rabies and armed with uneven, jagged teeth) at whomever the threat is to them and their team that week. All summer long, we heard about how USC sucked. After the Troy win we heard about how the rest of the season would be a cakewalk. Now all we hear about is how Missouri is a fraud and for anybody to even THINK otherwise is a complete idiot.

How soon we forget about Adam Barman going Andre Ware on your DB's through the Lincoln sky just 8 days prior. This is just another example of the pathetic and microscopic memory of Joe Husker fan. If I were you people (and since my father and mother aren't related...I'm not), I would start worrying about a few other things first. Like beating a KSU team you haven't come close to since 1996. Or how about a Texas team coming to Lincoln to sodomize your defense the week after that? Or how about a trip to a 1/2 decent team in Stillwater, who has had your number a time or two while you were down there. Not that I would expect Bill Callahan to focus on anything like that...considering he called Mark Mangino "Mangini" after the KU game. The more you see ridiculous comments like this http://65.98.70.3/vbbs/showthread.php?t=31889 , the more obvious it is that Husker fans is petrified of the unthinkable...a loss to Missouri at home to cost them the North. (Especially since the North was already decided and handed over at Big 12 media day in August. And no, I don't troll Husker boards, but I do get links sent to me all the time for reaction.)

When all is said and done, it comes down to the classless arrogance and myopia of Husker fan shining through like a stained glass window on a sunny Sunday morning. Don't get me wrong...fans will be fans...but at what point through all the "Texas Tech sucks and ISU is a great program" does somebody mention that Adam fucking Barmann threw for FOUR HUNDRED YARDS IN LINCOLN. Are you people fucking blind?

However, the great thing about football is that not only do we get a week in between games to expose ignorant masses but we also get to watch things get settled on the field. This is what kills me about Husker fans. Uneventful wins over bad teams on the road become legendary. Allowing 400 yards to KU's second string QB means they're suddenly a Big 12 power. Ohio, Georgia, Texas Tech and Louisville suck, yet Troy, Iowa State and La Tech are up-and-coming powers. What's that? Missouri's opponents are something like 12-24? Even WITH USC at 5-0, Nebraska's foes are a robust 15-17. And that is WITH USC..whom you were too scared to even try and win. (not that you could) Nicholls State lost to South Dakota State. La Tech lost to Clemson 51-0. Troy lost to UAB 21-3. (who some fucking idiot stated on that thread is better than anybody Missouri has played.) Hell, even mighty USC struggled with Pac-10 doormat Washington and needed bad clock management and a fake FG to win. Spin is everything. Perspective is nothing.

In closing, I hope you red clad motherfuckers have your team get the living shit stomped out of them this weekend. I hope your visit rivals a trip to the urologist and your car breaks down on the trip home. I hope your popcorn has a strange sticky white substance on it, I hope somebody pissed in your coke and the Bob Evans pancake platter you order before the game is covered in pubes. I hope your dog pisses on your lucky yellow foam corn hat. I hope your girlfriend suddenly comes up with a case of genital warts she picked up "from the toilet seat". I hope your next visit to the doctor contains the words "Hemeroid surgery". I hope Callahan signs a lifetime contract. I hope Hee Haw gets cancelled. You get my drift.

Enjoy Husker week my Wildcat friends.

EMALL or EMAT or however that goes.