October 10, 2006

Willie and the Soybean people

Alright KSU fans....it's you and me this week. Mizzou fans rooting for KSU? No biggie. Normally I would cheer for Al Qaeda if they had a football team lining up against the Huskers. Therefore, I have absolutely no problem throwing up my Lynn Dickey poster, sliding on my Bill Snyder t-shirt, slapping on my EMAW bumper sticker and hopping on the purple bandwagon for one week. As a newbie to the wonderful world of being a fan of a football team who doesn't suck, I hereby throw my support to my purple-clad brothers-in-Husker-Hating arms this week. (Despite our match up the following week.)

There's a reason Husker fans hate coming to Manhattan for games (Besides the fact that you guys kick their ass most years). And that reason is making the howdy-doody people feel uncomfortable. I'm not talking dumping a warm cup of urine on the Monsanto hat wearing, red clad douche in front of you at the game. I'm not talking slashing tires of every combine and red ford pickup in the parking lot. I'm talking about uncomfortable. The ONLY thing that pisses Husker fan off more than you failing to recognize what a great fan he is, is traveling however many miles from Fairbury/McCook/Pawnee/North Bend/Wherever...only to see the Huskers get their ass handed to them. For that reason, I am asking...no...I'm BEGGING you....do whatever you can to make these people's trip to central Kansas a living hell. Scream in their ear. Ask them if Eric Crouch can meet with you in your home to talk about term life coverage. Ask him if Mike Rozier ever found his Orange Bowl ring in that giant fish bowl full of crack. I feel rather slimy for asking that of you guys...but as the race for the north heats up, I feel I need to ask you this favor in light of my own team's tough game in College Station this week. I know your hatred of the corn is strong, so hopefully this won't be a tough sell.

With that being said, it only took 8 days for Husker fan to climb down off the ledge, and take his rightful place as the all-knowing, all-loving, all-around greatest fan on the planet. Listening to 810 WHB in KC yesterday, a Nebraska caller nervously rampaged to afternoon host Kevin Keitzman that not only that the North sucks and Missouri a fraud, but that Texas Tech actually dominated the game for much of the evening. As you can tell, moonshine consumption is still alive and kicking in the corn belt. (Apparently turnovers caused by defensive pressure is no longer a part of football. I'm waiting any day now for Grant Wistrom and Christian Peter to ask that Tom Osborne forfeit all three national titles because some of the games were swayed by the other team turning the ball over.)

As I've said many times before, I'm not about to go rattling off reasons my team should be ranked in the top 10, because although beating a good Tech team (they suck according to most Big 12 fans) on the road at night is a great achievement, they're "still Missouri" and as we all know...God hates Missouri fans. But like a opossum trapped in the corner of an outhouse, Husker fan will suddenly lash out (usually filled with lice, rabies and armed with uneven, jagged teeth) at whomever the threat is to them and their team that week. All summer long, we heard about how USC sucked. After the Troy win we heard about how the rest of the season would be a cakewalk. Now all we hear about is how Missouri is a fraud and for anybody to even THINK otherwise is a complete idiot.

How soon we forget about Adam Barman going Andre Ware on your DB's through the Lincoln sky just 8 days prior. This is just another example of the pathetic and microscopic memory of Joe Husker fan. If I were you people (and since my father and mother aren't related...I'm not), I would start worrying about a few other things first. Like beating a KSU team you haven't come close to since 1996. Or how about a Texas team coming to Lincoln to sodomize your defense the week after that? Or how about a trip to a 1/2 decent team in Stillwater, who has had your number a time or two while you were down there. Not that I would expect Bill Callahan to focus on anything like that...considering he called Mark Mangino "Mangini" after the KU game. The more you see ridiculous comments like this , the more obvious it is that Husker fans is petrified of the unthinkable...a loss to Missouri at home to cost them the North. (Especially since the North was already decided and handed over at Big 12 media day in August. And no, I don't troll Husker boards, but I do get links sent to me all the time for reaction.)

When all is said and done, it comes down to the classless arrogance and myopia of Husker fan shining through like a stained glass window on a sunny Sunday morning. Don't get me wrong...fans will be fans...but at what point through all the "Texas Tech sucks and ISU is a great program" does somebody mention that Adam fucking Barmann threw for FOUR HUNDRED YARDS IN LINCOLN. Are you people fucking blind?

However, the great thing about football is that not only do we get a week in between games to expose ignorant masses but we also get to watch things get settled on the field. This is what kills me about Husker fans. Uneventful wins over bad teams on the road become legendary. Allowing 400 yards to KU's second string QB means they're suddenly a Big 12 power. Ohio, Georgia, Texas Tech and Louisville suck, yet Troy, Iowa State and La Tech are up-and-coming powers. What's that? Missouri's opponents are something like 12-24? Even WITH USC at 5-0, Nebraska's foes are a robust 15-17. And that is WITH USC..whom you were too scared to even try and win. (not that you could) Nicholls State lost to South Dakota State. La Tech lost to Clemson 51-0. Troy lost to UAB 21-3. (who some fucking idiot stated on that thread is better than anybody Missouri has played.) Hell, even mighty USC struggled with Pac-10 doormat Washington and needed bad clock management and a fake FG to win. Spin is everything. Perspective is nothing.

In closing, I hope you red clad motherfuckers have your team get the living shit stomped out of them this weekend. I hope your visit rivals a trip to the urologist and your car breaks down on the trip home. I hope your popcorn has a strange sticky white substance on it, I hope somebody pissed in your coke and the Bob Evans pancake platter you order before the game is covered in pubes. I hope your dog pisses on your lucky yellow foam corn hat. I hope your girlfriend suddenly comes up with a case of genital warts she picked up "from the toilet seat". I hope your next visit to the doctor contains the words "Hemeroid surgery". I hope Callahan signs a lifetime contract. I hope Hee Haw gets cancelled. You get my drift.

Enjoy Husker week my Wildcat friends.

EMALL or EMAT or however that goes.


Anonymous Obsessed Husker Fan said...

Damn AJ, you are quite angry with a little success by Big Red and actual expectation by traditionally shitty Missouri. aTm will gang rape Mizzou this week in College Station and expose them anyway. Also, I know you probably spend half your day trolling Husker message boards, and dont even say you do... lying is against the 10 commandment AJ. How old are you again? Just wondering.

1:21 PM  
Blogger Tee-dub said...

I'll be honest: I don't care for K-State, I didn't much like humorless Bill Snyder, can't stand the fans, can't stand the stupid "power cat" symbol (what the fuck is a 'power cat', anyway?), can't stand the stupid stadium. I thought Bill Snyder was bush league for putting the KSU band behind the opposing team's bench to make it harder for opposing coaches and players to hear one another.

Everything AJ hates about Nebraska fans, he might easily say about KSU fans. Except the KSU fans are meaner, and some have fewer teeth. The difference between Nebraska fans and KSU fans is this: AJ hates Nebraska fans for imagining they're classy; KSU fans don't feel constrained by any pretense of class at all.

All that said, Nebraska has to hand it to the Wildcats. In the last eight years or so, KSU has a decided advantage in the series, usually has a better team, and is almost always better coached.

Nebraska has a bigger budget, better facilities, a bigger name and better tradition. Without those advantages, KSU has out-recruited, out-coached and out-played Nebraska for most of the last decade.

It speaks volumes about the state of the Nebraska program that an unimpressive win over an unranked Iowa State team is supposed to mean something. That said, I give Nebraska a slight edge on Saturday because of its senior quarterback, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.
NU 24
KSU 21

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha-ha! I love it! Husker Nation has made your world a living hell down there in Misery I see...way too many years of ass-whoopins will do that to a freak such as yourself...take a deep breath, get yourself under control, cause the beat-down comes Nov. 4th tigger! ha-ha!!!

1:39 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Brad Smith just scored on you again.

OHF....I really don't troll any message boards for NU. Don't need to. All I have to do is listen to co-workers, afternoon radio...hell even a random Tuesday 6 O'Clock news snippet will spend 8 minutes on the Hicksters.

Trust me...between this blog and the 2 other message boards I frequent, I hardly have time for a Husker one. Plus, I know that whenever you click into a message boards, they know who you are. You think I want you freaks knowing where I live?

Come on now.

PS - I'm 13 years old.

2:29 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

PPS - in dog years.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Joshua Z. said...

AJ - 1) You are AWESOME 2) Love all the pictures from previous games 3) Mizzou is for real 4) WAY TO REPRESENT MY HOMETOWN, FAIRBURY!!! (and ya didn't even mention our hotdogs, thank you)

5:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better to be classlessly ignorant and myopic than to ask another team's fans to be physically classless to someone's face.

6:30 PM  
Anonymous EMAW!!!!! said...







WE ARE.....




8:08 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I ask another team's fans to make it hostile because them beating your team helps me and my team.

It's not algebra Skippy.

Thanks for stopping by.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous ChrisWildcatFan said...

Awwww, that mean old Bill Snyder put the band behind the bench...come here, let me kiss your bruise and tell you it's all gonna be okay.

I've met the man, he's not 'humorless.' He's actually very sharp and has some seriously quick wit. Very funny guy. Just because he didn't joke around with reporters after the game doesn't make him humorless.

Logo smack? Please...your logo is one letter...one red letter. Here's your logo: 'N'. See how easy that was? Too commonplace. There's no Powercat key on a QWERTY keyboard. NU's logo isn't exactly a bastion of creative design...the Powercat is pretty badasss, in my opinion.

The basic difference between KSU and NU fans is that a KSU fan will never ask you to bow down to his school's great tradition, and will never claim himself to be classier, smarter or more loyal than another fanbase.

Although it is nice to hear an NU fan admit that they've ever lost to us. Kudos to you for that. Most NU fans just pretend that they never played KSU in 1998, 2000, 2002, 2003 and 2004.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aj, love to help you out...but we kind of suck this year.

It won't be a blowout though.

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Bart from Iowa said...

Lost some sphincter control on that one and have some laundry to do....
Holy crap that was funny and a great read. And now my wife is all pissed off because my lol woke her up.
Thanks a lot Tigger.

1) Some Nebraska fans are very classy but others are just plain dumb & arrogant. I mean really, your beating the crap out of them and they look you straight in the eye and say they are still better. Good grief, get over your inbred red self.
2) I will admit some K-State fans are idiots & class-less. I've set beside them before. But really, we sucked for so long we don't know how to act when we are standing on your throat. How does that yellow snow taste lil red.
3) I always rooted for Nebraska when Dr. Tom was there. He brought credibility & class to the Big 8 and I was glad to see them beat the Florida schools (and play the Deliverance melody for Tennessee). But I lost all respect when that arrogant prick,,, what was his name,,, the DUI guy,,, oh crap,, horrible play caller, bad recruiter, bad hair, funny nose, obviously inbred,,,, no not Rudolph... never mind. I think he's coaching at Nicholls State now. Do they have a football team???
4) I don't know if we will husk the fuskers but I will be there to cheer the lads on.
5) After reading your rant, I plan on adopting the Tiggers for the rest of the year. I didn't have them doing this well in my preseason predictions. For some reason I thought they'd drop one or two of those non-cons.... ; )
6) Finally, are you still pissed about the kicked ball / reception in the end zone. Or are you over that now.

11:20 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm actually over both and I'll tell you why.

The CU game was so long ago...no biggie. Mizzou was 4-7 that year. They weren't going anywhere...CU went on to beat NU that year. It sucked but oh well.

The Kicked ball was a big deal until I actually met Matt Davison. It's a long story that involves beer, but we worked some things out. Don't believe me? Do you really think I would let THAT moment in history go if I hadn't come to peace with it somehow?

I'll never say it publicly outside this space, but he's actually a pretty nice guy. He even apologized in exchange for a keg of beer.

Again...I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.

Thanks for all the KSU fans for stopping by today. Kick their ass and come back again.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous bhg said...

K-State, I like Aggieville, very nice atmosphere and some good food to boot.

K-State fans class vs. NU fans class, what an enlightened arguement. It becomes a story of one-up-manship, the last liar doesn't stand a chance. If I mention a story about a car getting keyed, the next one will be about the others fan base fire bombing the parking lot.

I would guess that what makes so many schools hate Nebraska is the fact that they do have that loyal following. They have fans that will travel "X" # of hours to sit in a hostile crowd to watch their team play a football game.

I have a sibling in Missouri, and I don't recall the precise year, but Missouri apparently ran radio ads, in my sisters words, "pleading" with the Missouri fans to come to the Nebraska game, and not to sell their tickets to NU fans. As I've said prior, I don't believe that it's so much a hatred of NU fans, more a regret that their schools program don't have similiar fan support, (albeit misguided at times).

(Missouri has two major cities that they point to as hubs of culture and civility. Take a drive along Missouri State 142, and US 160, and you'll think you're in Appalachia. All that culture in two cities, and people in southern Missouri still sharing the same set of teeth to take a family photo. Putting moonshine on their grits for breakfast, and talking crazy that women are allowed to vote.)

9:20 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I LIVE for replies like that.


11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


not everyone can have the humor and wit of Tom Osborne??? is he doing stand-up again now that his coaching and political careers are history?


12:25 PM  
Blogger Tee-dub said...

Never said Tom Osborne was a sparkling conversationalist; I don't think I defended Nebraska at all.

I said that Bill Snyder, while undoubtedly a capable football coach, was the sort of guy who'd have the pep band blare its horns behind the opposing team's bench. As I'm not on an opposing team, I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just making an observation: he's an asshole.

He made a doormat program into a very respectable one, and was a fine coach.

He may very well be a coaching genius, but he'll never be confused with Eddie Robinson or Joe Paterno.

11:45 PM  

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