As Predictable as the Sun Setting in the West

The only thing more amusing than watching Husker fan shit himself after a tough loss, is to watch him shit himself after a "big" win. Never in my years of living here has this been more evident than this morning. You need simply to read the World Herald today, or visit the comments section of yesterday's post and you'll see what I mean.

"You're pathetic, you downplay Missouri and then attack Nebraska."

"Downplay" Missouri? DOWNPLAY????

Here's what you need to learn Cletus. Perhaps spending all fall in the fields, cramped into a combine and listening to Billy Ray Cirus tapes has clouded your way of thinking. It's called being a REALISTIC FAN. I understand this is a WAY far-out concept for most of you, but you should really look into trying it someday. I'm not "downplaying" Missouri...I'm simply well aware that a team who starts 1 senior on offense...who starts 4 seniors on defense...who hasn't won in Lincoln since 1978, who blew a perfectly winnable "big" game last week....who has a sophomore QB who has never started a bigger game....who has had FIVE bowl seasons in my lifetime....MAYBE...JUST MAYBE...might have some trouble in Lincoln when the state of the entire program is in the balance.

For the last time..this is not a fan site. It's not a Big 12 football site. It's not a site where I talk about my favorite team and all the cool sweatshirts I get for Christmas or this one time when we went to this one game and Johnny Rogers was there and blah blah blah blah. It's about exposing "great" fans who are the greatest fraud in college sports. It's about exposing a myth that very few people know about, because that myth lives in a remote outback of the country, where nobody is there to find them out. This is not about backing my team. I back my team just fine. This is about exposing all of you...which isn't that hard..win or lose.

Also, call me crazy, but I also never picked Missouri to win. I simply said should the Huskers lose...which if you haven't been watching them this year..they're capable of that too..then the entire program is face-down and ass up fucked. Which...it still is. This is where it gets funny to me. Unlike you, my life is not defined by unrealistic perceptions of myself. Do I want my team to win? Sure. Do I see myself as some sort of better person when they win? No. Why? Because I'm not playing the game. I'm not sure if you know this..but all I can do is commentate. I can't make Gary Pinkel smarter. I can't make Maurice Purify less lucky when throwing a TD pass to the precise spot in the corner of the end zone. What I can do is say, "Man..that sucked" and then go on with my life, knowing damn well my team isn't Michigan or USC. (Unlike many of you, who haven't quite gotten to that point yet.)

Don't get me wrong, it was a big win for Callahan...but just how big is it to be the hottest girl at lumberjack camp? Apparently for most of you..it's just a gateway to a return to glory. Nevermind that Callahan still can't beat anybody (but Colorado or Baylor) on the road. Nevermind that even when you were up 27-6, you still decided the game was too boring, and actually MADE Missouri give it back to you.

I want you to seriously think about this...is beating Gary Pinkel in a big home game something to hang your hat on? I mean seriously.

Missouri lost this game for two reasons, and two reasons only. I said before the game Missouri could not turn the ball over, and must take advantage of Husker mistakes. They turned it over 3 times..resulting in 17 Husker points. Nebraska turned the ball over twice, Missouri went 3 and out both times. I also said they needed to attack the NU DB's. They didn't.

The biggest key however was the dumbfounding ability of Pinkel and staff to stick with their original gameplan and not attack downfield. I find it ironic that turnovers and trick plays doomed Mizzou, and not the vaunted rushing game, which was held to less than 4.0 yards per carry. I fid it ironic that screen passes on third down killed Mizzou rather than a pounding ground game. I also find it ironic that Tony Temple outrushed Brandon Jackson on about 1/2 the carries, but the Tigers were still going to have to attack the shittiest defensive secondary on earth to win. They didn't. Hell, even the 3 or 4 times they did do it, Daniel completely overthrew them. I'm not sure if it was nerves or what, but the kid played by far his worst game as a Tiger. Which leads me into another segway.

Leave it to the unimaginative, 3rd grade psyche of my Hick supporting readers to go to the "He ate his booger card." I'm not sure I"ve heard that term since 4th grade, but when you're dealing with intellect and humor as sophisticated as Husker fan, I guess you gotta wallow down in the mud and deal with it. I actually saw that video, and sucks for him...something got stuck up there. Why didn't he pull out a Kleenex? After that, you could clearly see him put his hands down..wipe it on the bench (or his leg) and then wipe his overall face with the back of his hand.

ABSOLUTE HILARITY INSUED!!!!

Leave it to a bunch if inbred hillbillies who wear foam pieces of corn on their head to laugh hysterically at a 18 year old kid get busted on TV for wiping his nose. Wow, I'll bet you nearly wet yourself. This is exactly why I didn't mention the giant fat guy who lost 400 lbs to get down to 1,500 or whatever and took in his first Husker game this week. (see last week's World Herald) But I guess this is why your team representative is Larry the Cable guy.

You know what I find funny?

A bunch of fans claiming some sort of monumental victory in one of the weakest divisions in the history of the BCS era, against a team they haven't lost to at home since Starsky and Hutch were on the air. Meanwhile, they're about to head to Texas A&M next week, where they will get their salad tossed in a hostile environment against a team way better than they are. They'll also finish the regular season at 8-4 and get their ass handed to them again by a Texas team that we all know is better than them as well. (Unless there's a blizzard.) You'll then ride your John Deere to the Cotton or some other bowl that simply cares about your hoards of illiterate fans and their harvest dollars will match you up against somebody way better than you. You will again be shown as frauds, as you complete a magical 8-6 season. To me, that will be pretty funny.

Order restored.