December 11, 2006

A Very Thin Line

I knew this was going to happen, so let's just get it out in the open. Once or twice a year, I usually have to step outside of my normal environment, and let you guys know that what complete and total idiotic slack-jawed yokels you people are.

This is one of those times.

Enter the Nebraska volleyball team, who was gift-wrapped an NCAA title this weekend in Florida by "earning" a trip to the NCAA Volleyball Final Four. You all are aware of the NCAA Women's Volleyball Final Four aren't you? Of course you are. It's right up there with those great American sports spectacles like the Indy 500, the World Series and the Super Bowl. In fact, I can't think of ANYTHING more electric than 6'4" mutant farm girls slamming a volleyball down to the ground, as 6'3" mutant visiting players dive on the ground to chase it...only to high five each other after they miss.

Worst of all, is the absolute, blind obsession you have with showing the world how great you are. Enter this...the perfect opportunity to show 3 dozen ESPN2 viewers from around the country just how bad you want to be on TV.

Let me once again preface this by saying I completely and totally respect the girls who play this sport to the fullest. To be an elite athlete in any sport takes dedication and courage takes beyond what the normal hayseed farmer can handle. So for that, I completely understand and respect the quality of program Nebraska has developed in volleyball. They are to be congratulated and commended in any way shape or form available. But just like Iowa residents and wrestling, just like Canadians and curling, just like New England and lacrosse and the west coast and water polo, I'm here to tell you straight up what you need to know:

Nobody gives a fuck, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

You fucking bumpkins have it in your blood, in your very DNA the ability to take something so trivial and so second nature, and turn it into one giant red jiz-fest, it's un-fucking-believable. Put aside all the thoughts you have of Herbie Husker, Tom Osborne, Bob Devaney et al and clear your mind. Now, imagine yourself a project manager for a PR firm in Portland, Oregon or Dallas, Texas (for example). Do you HONESTLY think, Joe Schmo sports fan gives one squirt of piss about your volleyball team or how much you love them? (especially when they win and you get to be on TV on ESPN 3 or whatever channel carries it now)

Let me give you something to chew on. I've traveled a lot outside of the midwest, and here is an overall picture of what sports fans in other areas care about. Ready?

East Coast (in this order): Red Sox vs. Yankees, NFL and that's it.
South (in this order): Nascar, College Football,
West Coast (in this order): Being outdoors, Baseball, skateboarding/dirtbiking/whatever.

Nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY cares about volleyball or even college baseball 1/1,000,000th as much as you think they do. Do you think there is a reason that the College World Series is put on ESPN2 now a days, bumped for an episode of Playmakers? Ever wonder why there is no College Volleyball on anything other than ESPNU? Ever wonder why college volleyball doesn't have a section on, or

Because nobody gives a flying fuck how much you love to love yourself. That's the whole fucking point. You people are so far away from everything, that NOBODY has the opportunity to see what a complete bunch of back-patting, self-indulgent, attention whores that you are. You're like the guy who stands behind the live interview on Sportscenter, who waves his arms while talking to his buddy on the cell phone. "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" It's like this every single year in just about any sport you can find a decent Husker team.

Remember Husker wrestling? Remember how they were all the rage about 5-6 years ago? Remember them on NETV and live reports on the news, talking about how great they were. Don't hear much about them now. Why not? Because they went on probation and now they suck...that's why.
And no, this has absolutely nothing to do with Missouri, Iowa State, Oklahoma or any other school that isn't located in a metro area. This is about you idiots DEMANDING that the world see just how great you are. Meanwhile, your shitty basketball team swelters in a crappy arena in Lincoln, basking in the glow of a grand total of ZERO NCAA tourney wins, in front of the same 5,000 people who are lured with cheap tickets or a chance to finally cross Salt Creek. It's the exact same with baseball. How come the "greatest fans in the nation", drew about 200 fans per game to Buck Beltzer before Dave Van Horn got there?

Because you're no fucking better than anybody else. You just suffer from the delusion that somebody...ANYBODY in the nation gives a frog's fat ass about any of the mid-level sports you claim to be so great at supporting. At least in football, you've been acting like complete assholes for decades. This other crap really crosses that thin line between great fans, and self-admiring, attention starved glory whores who will do anything to make themselves feel better about their pathetic existence in the armpit of the world.

And that was off the top of my head.

Enjoy the games O'Holy Greatest fans on earth. Just because you have nothing better to do...just because the most exciting thing for you to do in December is walk around the Old Market for the 900,000th time...just because the nicest restaurant in the state is Cheesecake Factory, just because they give away a trophy for it, doesn't mean it's interesting.
You wanna see what I mean? Check out this from Yahoo travel, and maybe you'll see what I'm getting at.
When the #4 thing to do in Omaha is a Pioneer Cemetery, you've got some problems. (PS - Freedom Park is #8, and it's closed. Fontenelle Park Golf Course is #10. See what I mean yet?)


Anonymous Anonymous said...


I understand the U.S. Military is looking for a few grunts like you to go to Iran. You can work undercover and stir up some shit there and be happy.

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since when did we care if anyone else liked the sports we like? I'm sure you feel like you know the Husker landscape backwards and forewards with your never-ending rants on how we are arrogant myopic football worsipping goons...blah blah blah blah.

I understand that not everyone watches college volleyball. Hell, I bet half the folks in Lincoln don't even pay attention to the games during the season let alone thinking that Jimmy Jimmy from New York gives a s**t about it. Just as I know that there are about as many fans of college volleyball as there are of college hockey.

Also, to call us "kool-aid" drinking arrogant "There is no other colleges besides UNL" Husker fanatics is one thing, but to refer to us as "attention whores" is downright idiotic especially coming from you. "Look at me, Look at me, I live in Nebraska and I DON'T like the Fuskers. What do you think of that Average Joe Huskerfan. Any Responses? Any? Please, Oh for the love of christ pay attention to me."

PS - If you want a culprit for this attention whore epidemic look to the sports media locally and nationally (talk about folks that are bored out of their minds).

1:45 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

That blows me away about Omaha attractions. Seriously, we can't do better than the Mormon Cemetary? Don't get me wrong..I'm well aware of the significance...but come on.

Where the hell is the Chamber of Commerece in all this? Brutal.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Husker Mike said...

You forgot to mention Francis Allen's men's gymnastics team back in the day of Jim Hartung. Another sport that had zero following outside of the state of Nebraska. And nowadays, nobody cares in-state either. Except possibly Richard Simmons...

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man AJ you hit the nail on the head this time. Especially the comment that they're no better than anyone else, they just think they are.

By the way, why on God's green earth did the Nowledge fans wear so many pairs of overalls and cornhats at the Big 12 CG a few weeks ago? I could have sworn that that's the stereotype they want to get away from.

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that I'm arguing that Omaha, or even Nebraska for that matter, is home to a lot of exciting attractions (have you seen that tremendous eye sore that is the Arch in Kearney?!?!?), but that Yahoo list you linked to cannot possibly be intended to be a ranking of the best things to do in Omaha. I mean, they have the College World Series at #16 for crying out loud. I think it's just a completely random list of things to do in Omaha instead of "ranking" of Omaha attractions. Again, I'm not defending Omaha as a city with a lot of things to do by any means, but I think it's inaccurate to say that Pioneer Cemetery is ranked by Yahoo as the #4 attraction in the city.

12:14 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Don't get me's my town too..and the fact that a bad golf course is in the top 10 is an embarassment. You may think nobody looks at those things...but you'd be suprised.

The CWS is (ahem) a nice little event, but it's only for 8-10 days. Not exactly something you can count on if your company is sending you to Omaha for a conference and you're looking for something to do.

Just trying to make a point here.

PS - Did I, or did I not call Tom Shatel's slobbery red drivel this morning about volleyball. Good God is that guy awful.

8:18 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Are you joking?

Anything west of 210th street is complete and total wasteland. It may as well be the outback or the Saharra. Damn the fucking thing up and give people a reason to stay here.

So 4,000 Ashland residents have to stay at a Comfort Inn for a few months before they're relocated to their swanky lakefront condo.

Boo fuckin hoo.

Suck it up, pansy.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Omaha has been able to keep a gem like you here for the past 20 years so its got to be doing something right. I agree with bhg that Ashland proposal was concocted by someone dong a little too much LSD that morning.

12:25 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Good job...way to dream big. And you wonder why people bash you for being hicks.

PS - Have fun at the Holiday Lights festival or whatever the big shin dig is in town this weekend.

(Minus the Super Bowl of Women's sports at the Q)

12:27 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

So west of 210th Street in Omaha is a wasteland, eh? From my perspective everything east of 210th is a sewer.

I'd go crazy with pavement and stoplights all the blessed time. Some of us consider metropolitan areas a "living hell".

I live in a community where my kids are safe to walk 10 blocks to school, all the policeman know my kids, I don't lock my house, take my keys out the car, visit with my neighbors on a regular basis, know the parents of my kids friends on a first name basis, blah, blah, blah and on down the line.

Some of us ignorant folk find an environment like that much more inviting than having a professional sports team to complain about.

Flooding Ashland, yep, real brilliant, why stop there, why not flood the Papio, then the lake would be in Omaha!!!

2:03 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Oh quit your bitching. Suck it in a motel for 6 months, and then move into your new lakefront villa.

Stop being such a puss.

PS - And get out of Mayberry while your'e at it.

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled on to this site from another. I am not a Husker fan, nor a fan of any big twelve team for that matter. The fact that you immerse yourself in your "clever" rants on how much you "hate" Nebraska, is almost sad. If you really hate where you live that much, move. There should be no excuses. Family, Job, anything. If a person truely "hates" something that much, it is natural to go away from it. I like how you use the "attenion whore" so much when referring to others. What exactly do you think a blog dedicated to demeaning others is? A cry for attention. You know, it has been scientifically proven that the root of most hatred is envy. Not necisarrily envy for what others do, but it could also be the success of others. I noticed you are a missouri fan, and you bash Nebraska fans... so to the unbiased person, it is quite obvious. I hope you realize that your attempts to get under these people's skin is nothing but your own attempt at attention. You may feel free to dispute what I have said, but, most of my points have been proven already. I am sure you make your family very proud though.

4:36 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Blah blah blah. Yeah...never heard that before in the past 10 minutes. Thank you for your outstanding psycho-analysis. I'm sure those 5 paragraphs you read were all you needed to know.

Can't wait for you to tell me about my childhood as well.

Piss off.

PS - I don't really hate the Huskers, I just dropped by from "another website", and I just wanted to tell you that I think your reply was fucking dumb. Again, I have no stake in this, but I just wanted to write 500 paragraphs to tell you what a waste of time it is to read your drivel.

I'll be sure to deny it when you see my IP address show up 900 times in the next few days as well.


4:50 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

Don't you realize how much white trash you could move out of the city if you flooded the Papio Basin? It could start a new housing boom, road construction, and just think of the new Starbuck's locations.

Cripes you people won't drive to see a minor league baseball team, I think it's safe to assume that you people would leave town to see water.

Move into a hotel, heck, I'll just hitch the house to the back of the pickup and away I'll go, to live in south Omaha with my hombres.

4:55 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Have you ever been to an Omaha Royals game? Have you seen the promotions? Heard of the players? Seen the opposing teams!?!?

I'd sit at a lake, watching a 6-pack ring bob up and down on the waves for 12 hours before I'd pay to see an Omaha Royals game.

And I'm a fucking Royals fan.

That should tell you all about that argument.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't help that their major league conterpart is blowin' ass year in and year out and continually running themselves into the ground. Maybe when Alex Gordon shows up more folks around here will take notice (until he gets shipped out to KC).

7:45 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

As a former Husker, I am required to hate Alex Gordon for the next 10 seasons. After that, I will let it drop. (That's what I call the "Will Shields rule"

You are correct however as well.

8:19 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

I doubt Alex Gordon shows up, most top prospects in the Royals organization are in Wichita.

O Royals promotions are the worst!! I have a little experince as my family and I have attended 40-50 minor league parks from Spokane to Savannah, Tucson to Portland. I still attend O Royals games when my minor league affiliate is in town, and I have to visit the in-laws. Heck, as kids, my father would take us to the Buck.

11:33 AM  

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