December 11, 2006
I knew this was going to happen, so let's just get it out in the open. Once or twice a year, I usually have to step outside of my normal environment, and let you guys know that what complete and total idiotic slack-jawed yokels you people are.
This is one of those times.
Enter the Nebraska volleyball team, who was gift-wrapped an NCAA title this weekend in Florida by "earning" a trip to the NCAA Volleyball Final Four. You all are aware of the NCAA Women's Volleyball Final Four aren't you? Of course you are. It's right up there with those great American sports spectacles like the Indy 500, the World Series and the Super Bowl. In fact, I can't think of ANYTHING more electric than 6'4" mutant farm girls slamming a volleyball down to the ground, as 6'3" mutant visiting players dive on the ground to chase it...only to high five each other after they miss.
Worst of all, is the absolute, blind obsession you have with showing the world how great you are. Enter this...the perfect opportunity to show 3 dozen ESPN2 viewers from around the country just how bad you want to be on TV.
Let me once again preface this by saying I completely and totally respect the girls who play this sport to the fullest. To be an elite athlete in any sport takes dedication and courage takes beyond what the normal hayseed farmer can handle. So for that, I completely understand and respect the quality of program Nebraska has developed in volleyball. They are to be congratulated and commended in any way shape or form available. But just like Iowa residents and wrestling, just like Canadians and curling, just like New England and lacrosse and the west coast and water polo, I'm here to tell you straight up what you need to know:
Nobody gives a fuck, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.
You fucking bumpkins have it in your blood, in your very DNA the ability to take something so trivial and so second nature, and turn it into one giant red jiz-fest, it's un-fucking-believable. Put aside all the thoughts you have of Herbie Husker, Tom Osborne, Bob Devaney et al and clear your mind. Now, imagine yourself a project manager for a PR firm in Portland, Oregon or Dallas, Texas (for example). Do you HONESTLY think, Joe Schmo sports fan gives one squirt of piss about your volleyball team or how much you love them? (especially when they win and you get to be on TV on ESPN 3 or whatever channel carries it now)
Let me give you something to chew on. I've traveled a lot outside of the midwest, and here is an overall picture of what sports fans in other areas care about. Ready?
East Coast (in this order): Red Sox vs. Yankees, NFL and that's it.
South (in this order): Nascar, College Football,
West Coast (in this order): Being outdoors, Baseball, skateboarding/dirtbiking/whatever.
Nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY cares about volleyball or even college baseball 1/1,000,000th as much as you think they do. Do you think there is a reason that the College World Series is put on ESPN2 now a days, bumped for an episode of Playmakers? Ever wonder why there is no College Volleyball on anything other than ESPNU? Ever wonder why college volleyball doesn't have a section on ESPN.com, CNNSI.com or USATODAY.com?
Because nobody gives a flying fuck how much you love to love yourself. That's the whole fucking point. You people are so far away from everything, that NOBODY has the opportunity to see what a complete bunch of back-patting, self-indulgent, attention whores that you are. You're like the guy who stands behind the live interview on Sportscenter, who waves his arms while talking to his buddy on the cell phone. "Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!" It's like this every single year in just about any sport you can find a decent Husker team.
Remember Husker wrestling? Remember how they were all the rage about 5-6 years ago? Remember them on NETV and live reports on the news, talking about how great they were. Don't hear much about them now. Why not? Because they went on probation and now they suck...that's why.
And no, this has absolutely nothing to do with Missouri, Iowa State, Oklahoma or any other school that isn't located in a metro area. This is about you idiots DEMANDING that the world see just how great you are. Meanwhile, your shitty basketball team swelters in a crappy arena in Lincoln, basking in the glow of a grand total of ZERO NCAA tourney wins, in front of the same 5,000 people who are lured with cheap tickets or a chance to finally cross Salt Creek. It's the exact same with baseball. How come the "greatest fans in the nation", drew about 200 fans per game to Buck Beltzer before Dave Van Horn got there?
Because you're no fucking better than anybody else. You just suffer from the delusion that somebody...ANYBODY in the nation gives a frog's fat ass about any of the mid-level sports you claim to be so great at supporting. At least in football, you've been acting like complete assholes for decades. This other crap really crosses that thin line between great fans, and self-admiring, attention starved glory whores who will do anything to make themselves feel better about their pathetic existence in the armpit of the world.
And that was off the top of my head.
Enjoy the games O'Holy Greatest fans on earth. Just because you have nothing better to do...just because the most exciting thing for you to do in December is walk around the Old Market for the 900,000th time...just because the nicest restaurant in the state is Cheesecake Factory, just because they give away a trophy for it, doesn't mean it's interesting.
You wanna see what I mean? Check out this from Yahoo travel, and maybe you'll see what I'm getting at.
When the #4 thing to do in Omaha is a Pioneer Cemetery, you've got some problems. (PS - Freedom Park is #8, and it's closed. Fontenelle Park Golf Course is #10. See what I mean yet?)