A Gameday in the Life of Husker Fan.

Well, it's been a tough weekend around my house, but it's back to normal today as we're stuck in the the longest three days of the year. Over the past 7 months or so, we've counted down to the inevitable train wreck that is Husker football and the lives of various degrees of inbred yay-hoos who follow them. As we've discussed before, not much more can be said as we gear up for Friday's annual hate-invocation...which I'm sure you're all waiting for with baited breath.

Anyhow, during the calm before the storm, I often think about how each of you celebrate the upcoming Husker train wreck in your own special way. For me, I will spend the day watching my favorite team play, while flipping back and fourth to the Husker game, as I deflect 853,305 text messages commenting on the the incredible skill of JC Keller because he completed a 3 yard swing pass over a 5'10" 150lb Nevada linebacker.

I'm going to level with you. I absolutely HATE watching the game...ANY game with friends, non-friends, family or even my dog. I'm not sure what it is, but I do not feel the bond that goes along with watching kids play a game for fun, as you high five each other like a couple of 11 year olds on a pixie-stick rush as you swig Busch Light and sit on a red inflatable couch. I could give a rats ass about how early you get to sidetracks to listen to a 90 year old broad throw out four letter words to the yeah-hooo-ing delight of hundreds of weary travelers from Valentine, Scottsbluff, Norfolk, Columbus and everywhere in between.

I like to watch the game in the comfort of my own home with disturbances to a minimum, and as little skin-to-skin contact with other dudes as possible. But as I said before, I wonder how each of you will spend your Saturday this weekend? To kill the time, I thought I'd jot down what I envision is a typical day for many of you. It may not be 100% correct, but I'm sure it's pretty damn close.

5:15am - Alarm blasts to the tune of "No Place Like Nebraska". You step out of bed in your size 46 red footie pajamas and give a mythical high-five to your 3 foot tall stuffed Herbie Husker doll that your aunt Gracie gave you in 1973.

5:25am - Hop online to Nevada message board to proclaim your dominance. The phrase "Restore the Order" and "5-stars" is used 25 times each.

5:31am - Go to switchboard.com and randomly dial phone numbers in Reno. When groggy resident wearily picks up the phone, you ask: "Is your air conditioner running? Yes? Well no doubt it is because it's chasing Marlon Lucky!!!" You slam down the phone and giggle repeatedly to no one in particular.

5:32am - Repeat 53 times.

6:53am - Crack open 14 page Omaha World Herald preview section of the game. Cut out pictures for bedroom shrine with Skoal lid prior to calling your cousin Victor in Texas for help with big words.

7:32am - Finish breakfast of red-dyed sour cream and leftover Herbie Burger from Clancy's pep-rally the night before.

7:45am - Tie on lucky red dew rag made from faded red "back to back" t-shirt from 1995. It looks badass as usual. Huskers are gonna roll.

7:59am - Check Nevada message board to observe profanity laced replies to post. Giggle at how none of the Nevada posters have ever celebrated a National Title. Losers.

8:00am - Turn on ESPN to check out College Gameday. Crack open first Natural Light of the day.

8:01am - Yankee Highlights? What the f*ck?!?! WHO gives a shit about Yankee highlights!?!?! New York doesn't even have a college football team. 53 full minutes and 4 more Natty Lights go by before you realize Herbstreet and Corso aren't on until 9am.

8:59am - Log into Huskers Illustrated chat room. Compare opinions about what color of tie Herbstreet will have on.

9:00am - "College Gameday is on!!!!

9:01am - "Blacksburg, Virginia!?!?! Why the F*CK are they in Blacksburg, Virginia!?!?! Nobody gives a crap about Virginia Tech. The ACC sucks!"

9:02am - Write info@espn.com to ask just why in the hell gameday was not in Lincoln. Remind respondent that the Hokies have not won 5 National Titles.

9:03am - Eyes glued to College Gameday. You roll your eyes at every profiled team, muttering "Octavian would have crushed that guy." (Repeat 85 times using various Husker linebackers)

10:00am - During commercial break, run downstairs to grab giant stuffed Herbie Husker with adjustable grip. Place on front porch hold Husker flag while giving the "Honk your horn" signal to passing gravel trucks.

10:03am - Call from best friend Murry to discuss first hour of gameday. You both agree how little mention they made of the Huskers. ESPN is nothing but a bunch of Big East biased jackasses who don't know dick about college football.

10:21am - WOO HOO!!! NEBRASKA GAME FEATURED!!!!

10:22am - Once Nebraska vs. Nevada game feature is over, immediately TiVo and download to Huskerpowerhour.com. Spend next 38 minutes comparing notes, along with breaking down quotes from Bill Callahan and Corey McKeon. Agree with various Internet friends that Lee Corso sounded snide and senile when picking Nebraska by only 30 points.

11:00am - Play Nebraska vs. Nevada on Playstation 2 while waiting for friends to arrive. Sliders set to low and game set to EASY, Nebraska wins 143-0. Sam Keller has 639 yards passing and 18TD's. Post statistics to Husker website and compare with others.

12:23pm - Parents drop off friends and party begins with more high-fiving and chest bumping. Colorado already down 14 points in the first half. Entire group logs onto laptop placed in center of the room to taunt Colorado fans on Netbuffs.com

12:43pm - More chest bumping, high fiving and telling jokes that end with the punchline, "Jamelle Halloway up the middle!!"

1:58pm - Infomercial for knives is STILL FLIPPIN ON. Phone is dialed to KETV to the last number as clock nears 2pm, just in case Channel 7 forgets to put on the game.

2:00pm - PRE-GAME IS ON!

2:01pm - DAMNIT JOHN SAUNDERS, stop talking about Virginia Tech!!! Nobody cares.

2:02pm - DAN FOUTS IS CALLING THE GAME!?!?!? He played for OREGON for Christ's sake. WTF does he know about the Huskers!?!?! ABC sucks.

2:03pm - Write e-mail to info@abcprogramming.com. Ask why in the hell Dan Fouts is calling the game.

2:10pm - Go around the room and ask each guy for prediction of the game. Throw pretzels at idiot who predicts the closest score.

2:35pm - Scream "GO BIG RED", "DEFENSE" and "COME ON SAM" at top of lungs for 90 minutes while high-fiving each other after every play. In between drives, pass around homemade Marlon Lucky doll and rub his ass for good luck just like Notre Dame game of 2000.

2:53pm - Completely ignore commercial for Eric Crouch selling insurance.

4:00pm - Halftime chat at Huskerpedia.com.

4:05pm - Flipping through channels, giggle at the actors on Reno 911 for living in a state with such a crappy football team.

4:15pm - Game back on. Huskers only up 14. Rubbing stuffed Marlon's ass not working. Switch to rubbing each other's ass for good luck.

4:22pm - Game interrupted by phone call from ex-buddy who still loves Frank Solich. Argue for nearly one full quarter about what the score would have been had Frank been coaching and all of TO's assistants were still in place.

5:05pm - Plot to toilet paper Solich apologist's house after game.

5:25pm - Game over. Huskers win by 17. Group agrees the game wasn't nearly as close as that.

5:26pm - Log onto Gopowercat.com, NetBuffs.com and Tigerboard.com to proclaim order is indeed restored.

5:27pm - Rewatch game on TiVo.

7:15pm - Head to Hooters to celebrate

7:30pm - Ignore scantily clad waitresses and flaming hot wings to argue among friends which Husker could star in remake of Harry Potter. Argument ends with agreement that Corey McKeon would definitely get the lead, but he wouldn't be nearly as good as Zac Taylor.

9:35pm - Taunt car with Nevada plates on the way home. (Argument has now shifted to what superhero would play Zach Bowman in a remake of Superfriends)

9:41pm - NCAA 2008 tournament starts with all 8 players claiming Huskers.

12:05am - Fall asleep clutching Franz Hardy autographed poster while dreaming about checking blogs, message boards and recaps the next morning.

Close?

I'm guessing so.

AJ

PS - I'm apologizing in advance for the next post you read here. You've been warned.