August 28, 2007

A Gameday in the Life of Husker Fan.

Well, it's been a tough weekend around my house, but it's back to normal today as we're stuck in the the longest three days of the year. Over the past 7 months or so, we've counted down to the inevitable train wreck that is Husker football and the lives of various degrees of inbred yay-hoos who follow them. As we've discussed before, not much more can be said as we gear up for Friday's annual hate-invocation...which I'm sure you're all waiting for with baited breath.

Anyhow, during the calm before the storm, I often think about how each of you celebrate the upcoming Husker train wreck in your own special way. For me, I will spend the day watching my favorite team play, while flipping back and fourth to the Husker game, as I deflect 853,305 text messages commenting on the the incredible skill of JC Keller because he completed a 3 yard swing pass over a 5'10" 150lb Nevada linebacker.

I'm going to level with you. I absolutely HATE watching the game...ANY game with friends, non-friends, family or even my dog. I'm not sure what it is, but I do not feel the bond that goes along with watching kids play a game for fun, as you high five each other like a couple of 11 year olds on a pixie-stick rush as you swig Busch Light and sit on a red inflatable couch. I could give a rats ass about how early you get to sidetracks to listen to a 90 year old broad throw out four letter words to the yeah-hooo-ing delight of hundreds of weary travelers from Valentine, Scottsbluff, Norfolk, Columbus and everywhere in between.

I like to watch the game in the comfort of my own home with disturbances to a minimum, and as little skin-to-skin contact with other dudes as possible. But as I said before, I wonder how each of you will spend your Saturday this weekend? To kill the time, I thought I'd jot down what I envision is a typical day for many of you. It may not be 100% correct, but I'm sure it's pretty damn close.

5:15am - Alarm blasts to the tune of "No Place Like Nebraska". You step out of bed in your size 46 red footie pajamas and give a mythical high-five to your 3 foot tall stuffed Herbie Husker doll that your aunt Gracie gave you in 1973.

5:25am - Hop online to Nevada message board to proclaim your dominance. The phrase "Restore the Order" and "5-stars" is used 25 times each.

5:31am - Go to switchboard.com and randomly dial phone numbers in Reno. When groggy resident wearily picks up the phone, you ask: "Is your air conditioner running? Yes? Well no doubt it is because it's chasing Marlon Lucky!!!" You slam down the phone and giggle repeatedly to no one in particular.

5:32am - Repeat 53 times.

6:53am - Crack open 14 page Omaha World Herald preview section of the game. Cut out pictures for bedroom shrine with Skoal lid prior to calling your cousin Victor in Texas for help with big words.

7:32am - Finish breakfast of red-dyed sour cream and leftover Herbie Burger from Clancy's pep-rally the night before.

7:45am - Tie on lucky red dew rag made from faded red "back to back" t-shirt from 1995. It looks badass as usual. Huskers are gonna roll.

7:59am - Check Nevada message board to observe profanity laced replies to post. Giggle at how none of the Nevada posters have ever celebrated a National Title. Losers.

8:00am - Turn on ESPN to check out College Gameday. Crack open first Natural Light of the day.

8:01am - Yankee Highlights? What the f*ck?!?! WHO gives a shit about Yankee highlights!?!?! New York doesn't even have a college football team. 53 full minutes and 4 more Natty Lights go by before you realize Herbstreet and Corso aren't on until 9am.

8:59am - Log into Huskers Illustrated chat room. Compare opinions about what color of tie Herbstreet will have on.

9:00am - "College Gameday is on!!!!

9:01am - "Blacksburg, Virginia!?!?! Why the F*CK are they in Blacksburg, Virginia!?!?! Nobody gives a crap about Virginia Tech. The ACC sucks!"

9:02am - Write info@espn.com to ask just why in the hell gameday was not in Lincoln. Remind respondent that the Hokies have not won 5 National Titles.

9:03am - Eyes glued to College Gameday. You roll your eyes at every profiled team, muttering "Octavian would have crushed that guy." (Repeat 85 times using various Husker linebackers)

10:00am - During commercial break, run downstairs to grab giant stuffed Herbie Husker with adjustable grip. Place on front porch hold Husker flag while giving the "Honk your horn" signal to passing gravel trucks.

10:03am - Call from best friend Murry to discuss first hour of gameday. You both agree how little mention they made of the Huskers. ESPN is nothing but a bunch of Big East biased jackasses who don't know dick about college football.

10:21am - WOO HOO!!! NEBRASKA GAME FEATURED!!!!

10:22am - Once Nebraska vs. Nevada game feature is over, immediately TiVo and download to Huskerpowerhour.com. Spend next 38 minutes comparing notes, along with breaking down quotes from Bill Callahan and Corey McKeon. Agree with various Internet friends that Lee Corso sounded snide and senile when picking Nebraska by only 30 points.

11:00am - Play Nebraska vs. Nevada on Playstation 2 while waiting for friends to arrive. Sliders set to low and game set to EASY, Nebraska wins 143-0. Sam Keller has 639 yards passing and 18TD's. Post statistics to Husker website and compare with others.

12:23pm - Parents drop off friends and party begins with more high-fiving and chest bumping. Colorado already down 14 points in the first half. Entire group logs onto laptop placed in center of the room to taunt Colorado fans on Netbuffs.com

12:43pm - More chest bumping, high fiving and telling jokes that end with the punchline, "Jamelle Halloway up the middle!!"

1:58pm - Infomercial for knives is STILL FLIPPIN ON. Phone is dialed to KETV to the last number as clock nears 2pm, just in case Channel 7 forgets to put on the game.

2:00pm - PRE-GAME IS ON!

2:01pm - DAMNIT JOHN SAUNDERS, stop talking about Virginia Tech!!! Nobody cares.

2:02pm - DAN FOUTS IS CALLING THE GAME!?!?!? He played for OREGON for Christ's sake. WTF does he know about the Huskers!?!?! ABC sucks.

2:03pm - Write e-mail to info@abcprogramming.com. Ask why in the hell Dan Fouts is calling the game.

2:10pm - Go around the room and ask each guy for prediction of the game. Throw pretzels at idiot who predicts the closest score.

2:35pm - Scream "GO BIG RED", "DEFENSE" and "COME ON SAM" at top of lungs for 90 minutes while high-fiving each other after every play. In between drives, pass around homemade Marlon Lucky doll and rub his ass for good luck just like Notre Dame game of 2000.

2:53pm - Completely ignore commercial for Eric Crouch selling insurance.

4:00pm - Halftime chat at Huskerpedia.com.

4:05pm - Flipping through channels, giggle at the actors on Reno 911 for living in a state with such a crappy football team.

4:15pm - Game back on. Huskers only up 14. Rubbing stuffed Marlon's ass not working. Switch to rubbing each other's ass for good luck.

4:22pm - Game interrupted by phone call from ex-buddy who still loves Frank Solich. Argue for nearly one full quarter about what the score would have been had Frank been coaching and all of TO's assistants were still in place.

5:05pm - Plot to toilet paper Solich apologist's house after game.

5:25pm - Game over. Huskers win by 17. Group agrees the game wasn't nearly as close as that.

5:26pm - Log onto Gopowercat.com, NetBuffs.com and Tigerboard.com to proclaim order is indeed restored.

5:27pm - Rewatch game on TiVo.

7:15pm - Head to Hooters to celebrate

7:30pm - Ignore scantily clad waitresses and flaming hot wings to argue among friends which Husker could star in remake of Harry Potter. Argument ends with agreement that Corey McKeon would definitely get the lead, but he wouldn't be nearly as good as Zac Taylor.

9:35pm - Taunt car with Nevada plates on the way home. (Argument has now shifted to what superhero would play Zach Bowman in a remake of Superfriends)

9:41pm - NCAA 2008 tournament starts with all 8 players claiming Huskers.

12:05am
- Fall asleep clutching Franz Hardy autographed poster while dreaming about checking blogs, message boards and recaps the next morning.

Close?

I'm guessing so.

AJ

PS - I'm apologizing in advance for the next post you read here. You've been warned.

46 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure you're not a Husker fan? How could you know this level of detail about us without being one of us? I suspect a mole in the Nation..

Randy

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Usually you're an idiot, but that was pretty funny. (And not that far from the truth)

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was pretty funny but my beer of choice is Milwaukee's Best Lite

nugofor6

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rubbing each others asses. I read your stuff all the time and usually get a good chuckle, but you outdid yourself on that one.
Huskertileguy

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for A Day In The Life of Big Red Fred". You forgot one thing though..

9:58 pm - Don corn cob stocking cap and jerk off to picture of Frank Solich wearing high waisted red pants circa 1998. Change into throwback #45 jersey before going to bed.

JP

4:53 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

If I can't offend all of you with my next effort..there is something wrong.

This whole love spat thing you guys have going on is pretty funny in a strange, sadistic way.

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I spent 6 years in the military and I've seen shit that would make a goat puke.... trust me, you can't offend me

Randy

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think this is your best effort, but it's still pretty funny.

Gabe

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ,
You forgot about us redneck fans that will go Dove hunting and then watch the game.

As always,
You can Eat A Mile Of My Corn Ridden Shit and Kiss My Husker Ass

10:03 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

It was a Thunder Collins doll I rubbed, not Marlon Lucky during the ND game in 2000.

Dumbass.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice post. Not tame, but also not obscene enough to envoke actual hatered toward this blog. I'll admit I openly laughed at a few parts. Change the beer to Boulevard and you pretty much planned out my Saturday for me...except for the ass rubbing of course.

Which leads me to this gem: "In between drives, pass around homemade Marlon Lucky doll and rub his ass for good luck just like Notre Dame game of 2000."

I had a Marlon Lucky doll in 2000? That's some trippy shit, man.

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ENVY is a BITCH aint it? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAha

To create a blog of something you hate WOW incredible

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weak.

11:22 PM  
Blogger Kurt Green said...

LOL!

Really, you could insert any teams fans into that story and it would work.

12:00 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Holy shit...I forgot about Dove hunting. Damnit...that's why the Corn ridden shit guy is the best reader I have...hands down. (And ususally the most vulgar)

As for the "why would you write on something you hate" line?

Idiot. How many G*d damn times do I have to explain why I do this. I'm sick of explaining it. I'm sick of defending it. Get off your lazy ass, turn off poker on TV and read through the archives why I write this site.

8:12 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:56 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Let's leave the ultra-personal snipes on the sidelines fellas. That aint cool.

There are plenty of ways to call out JP for being a douche. No need to post dirt on him.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"....Really, you could insert any team's fans into that story and it would work...."

uhh..dude...not really..UNL has got the market cornered....

Tiger Gary

(waiting patiently for October 6th....no, make it the 7th...
stay healthy and undefeated until then)

3:09 PM  
Blogger HucktheFuskers said...

As a guy who was chased from the all-knowing, all-powerful Huskerboard.com for non-conformity, all I can say is great post.


Keep up the good work. Love the site.

4:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kind of dirt?
Email me @ andyinlincoln@hotmail.com.
JP

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Post the dirt BigFredFraud thinks he has. I could care less. I'll give him my full name if he really wants it. What do I care?

JP

4:42 PM  
Anonymous bigredfred said...

hehehehehe, JP you think I care enough to post dirt on you?? That's funny!! I could care less about you or your opinions.

AJ, are you able to ease JP's fears and at least verify that I am NOT the one attempting to post 'dirt' on JP???

JP give up the crack it can make you paranoid, man!! Try going back to insulting my wife and see if that makes you feel better!!

And no, please don't give me your email address I do not want to be pals!!

11:13 AM  
Anonymous bhg said...

Who is posting dirt on JP? Isn't he always bragging about being second in state on a NE football team? The reality of the situation was the Northeast team that played in that state game got raped by Omaha Westside, 34-0. NE never had a shot in that game. (Cripes if I recall, that NE team didn't even end up second in the rankings because they played so poorly.)

JP reality is a little skewed with actually events. Kinda like pointing out THUGS=HAPPY FANS is not based in reality.

If JP is the name of the guy I posted, that would the cherry on top of the sundae. It would really be like getting advice from a retard.

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, try again douchebag. You went to Lincoln Northeast's website and picked some guy with the initials JP. I am not that guy. I don't have those initials. You think I'm that fucking stupid. Like you are, BHG (I know who you are). Do I sound like someone who has a bowling website? Give me a fucking break. I spend my time on a mountain bike, at the beach, flying back to NE for home games, etc. I've been bowling like 8 times in my life. Good try though.
By the way that Westside team that did the raping was rated #23 in the nation by USA Today that year.
Why do I have to keep asking you, BHG? Where did you play? What sports did you letter in?

Remember CLASS A IN NEBRASKA WHICH AIN'T SAYING MUCH = YOU STILL COULDN'T MAKE THE TEAM

Randall Pink Floyd (JP)

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually back up my statements.

JP

from:
http://www.usatoday.com/sports/preps/football/year-by-year-rankings.htm

USA Today 1982 High School Football

1. Cincinnati Moeller (13-0)
2. Valdosta (Ga.) (15-0)
3. Pensacola (Fla.) Woodham (13-0)
4. Anaheim (Calif.) Servite (11-1)
5. Enterprise (Ala.) (13-0-1)
6. Odessa (Texas) Permian (12-1)
7. Massillon (Ohio) Washington (12-1)
8. Newburgh (Ind.) Castle (14-0)
9. Omaha (Neb.) Westside (12-0)
10. Oradell (N.J.) Bergen Catholic (11-0)

2:49 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP,

Your team got abused like the red headed step-child it was, yet you're out there telling everyone of the great achievement. It's either pathetic and people should feel sorry for you, or it's hilarious that a 34-0 beating makes you better than someone else. (Maybe that's why you moved to California, to escape the shame, or tell the story to people that had no clue your team got their asses handed to them.)

In the way that you analyze the game of football, it's evident that you know little about the game and understand less.

If you know who I am, you already know the team I played for.

"I live in California and fly in for games, I live my life on the beach", yeah, yeah, we know, and you had a great football team in high school that schooled your team. (I think that game is still the record for the most lop-sided victory in a state title game, maybe you guys would have made a good B team that year.)

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice try you mental midget.

JP

7:10 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

Classic. I think it's repeated each day after Tivo-ing Gameday and the game. Shit, it's a long weekend to boot! Gotta have something to do other than hit on uglies at the Harrah's buffet. Can Husker fans fit it all in between bitching at Alltel for not having Big & Rich for a ringtone and going to work as the sandwich board for Wildhorse cigs?

9:02 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

Is that Uncle Rico...err, JP dusting off his letter jacket?

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uncle Rico = Bert Flex

Bert Flex Blog = The Weirdest Thing I Have Ever Seen

Wow. Scary.

JP

2:49 AM  
Blogger Big Head said...

JP- Bertflex is a St. Louis sportsfan and man blog. I take it that you are probably neither?

Letters put together make words. Words together make sentences. Sentences together make paragraphs. Paragraphs together make stories. If that's a 'scary' proposition, you should make it out more. Maybe even past Nebraska City? I guess being full of knowledge of the 1982 high school football rankings, that you don't have room for stuff like that.

I would suggest making it to St. Louis, but I have my doubts that you could even point out on a map where it's located. So maybe just dust off that letterjacket you got for fluffing the long-snapper and pop over to Runza. There's a whole new world out there.

Thanks for the pub for the blog. Needs to be updated a lot more, so we are expecting a fall comeback. I don't pimp the blog, so thanks for checking it out. Lots of pictures and bright shiny colors for people like you.

6:32 AM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP,

I don't know which is more sad, you holding onto a 34-0 defeat as a moral victory, or being able to quote a 25 year old high school ranking.

What other pointless and meaningless information can you provide?

Hey how about giving us Noonan's shoe size? What was your catchers fielding percentage on your baseball team? What was the teams ERA?

How embarssing to actually have that type of knowledge readily available at age 40+. (Actually JP's probably an engineer, and he's been working on how to get all of this information on his headstone.)

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bert Flex = Man crush on St. Louis pro athletes. Who puts a flexing baseball player on the masthead of their website. Eegads. Scary stuff.

Oh, and I live in LA not NE City. Never spent more than a few minutes there. Where are you from, Mound City, Missouri?

Dude, I have family in St. Louis and I was in the hizzle when Hullie got his 500th goal. Great sports town. I've been to every arena there.

Still doesn't change the fact your website is a little.. um.. nevermind.

BHG, did you say something?

JP

1:10 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP,

What kind of half-time adjustments did you guys make? Or did the coach just tell you that you're playing the #23 team in the country, and tell you to go get your asses pounded?

Did it go something like this; "Boys, you're getting your brains beat in, but don't let that reflect on you. Even though we're getting humiliated, and we're playing their second team, hold your head high. You can tell everyone that you're second in state, and you don't have to tell them the score. Now let's go out there and not score."

We took a vote, and we thought that it would be best if California kept you, and please limit your travel back to Nebraska if at all possible.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BHG - Talk to the hand, because the ear's not listening.

JP

4:06 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

JP-

You were the one creaming your Carhardts over 1982 Nebraska High School football. 'Nuff said.

You said you got onto the Bertflex blog, right? You would notice that it's not a circle jerk to one player, as I'm sure you do to Tommie Frazier. I guess I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you could read. My bad...

It's a St. Louis sports blog. Got the name because Jack Buck/Wayne Hagin/John Rooney and Mike Shannon have had a tough time coming up with a nickname for Pujols.

Think it's a strange picture of Pujols? Ask Nike- they used it in their ad campaign. Pretty successful campaign that you saw in magazines and on TV.

Not the only poster on there, and you're probably talking about the Duke article. I in fact like Duke basketball, so I don't agree with other posters on there, but they are my friend from back home (St. Louis) and they have opinions to post.

By the way, which blog is yours JP? Just not creative enough to come up with a blog, or hell, even a screen name other than use "anonymous"? Here's a few suggestions on a screenname; "gayforhusker", "crouchs_luver", "xxxcorncobinmymouthxxx", "82highschoolloser", "iheartjimrose", or "corn_baby". Just wanted to help you out since you're mind is full of Nebraska High School football stats from 1982.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

JP-

Oh, and one more thing on Bertflex because I'm tired of wasting time arguing with someone who's head is full of 25 year old high school football rankings; ever read Deadspin? Might have seen Bertflex on there a few times.

Really check it out after you're done tuggin one to the DVD of the first 55 minutes of last years NU/Texas game.

Again, thanks for the opportunity to plug the site because I really don't. I should probably cut you a check for the help JP. Want Bertflex gear instead? I'm sure I can get some boxers without a dickhole in them, but you wouldn't have any use for the hole anyway.

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just because Ricky Martin's photo was used for successful ad campaign doesn't mean I'm gonna put it on my website. You got it on your ceiling too?

JP

p.s. I don't blog.. I work on websites every day, but I don't blog.. I'm not creative like you eyes rolling

11:25 AM  
Blogger Big Head said...

JP-
Do the people in Hollywood disown you like your fellow Nebraskans do? Just getting that vibe from the board.

I don't blame you for not blogging. I mean between bleaching your Levi's, re-reading Rivals reports, and googling "Tom Osbourne", you probably don't have a lot of time. I guess there's no creativity to go around when your head is full of '82 USA Today High School football rankings. You must be the real life Al Bundy, and remember the one TD you scored at Polk Hig-- Lincoln Northeast.

Since you have a corporate desk pushing job, do you keep 'Sirius' in your IPod and "Cubicle Walk" to it every morning?

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You lost me Big Head. Next time make some sense.

JP

11:32 AM  
Blogger Big Head said...

Damn JP, confused you that much by referring to posts by you and your fellow Husker fans on this very thread? I can't believe that you can remember to breathe.

And the "Cubicle Walk" thing is a play on one of the dumbest "traditions" (and I use that loosely).

I will give you props for being there for Hullie's 500th.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP is always getting lost, get used to it. This is the guy that wasn't smart enough to know his high school football team got pounded and embarassed in a championship game. (I think it's still the most lopsided game in Nebraska Championship history. It always good to be remembered for something, even if it does make one look like an ass.)

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And BHG isn't man enough to meet me in person after I've called him out. He'd rather hide behind his desk and be a pussy about it.

I'm calling you out. Sack up! You started this by bashing Northeast high school. Sack up! Come on.

JP

4:38 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP,

I gave you an location, time, and date to meet, and you've conviently forgotten where that was. (Anyone reading this line knew that you were going to self-declare yourself the victor. Must be a sad little world you live in.)

You've been provided a meeting place and time, if you're not there we'll know. I assume that you'll be wearing hot pink like in high school.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

10:00am at the old entrance to the Starlite the morning after the USC game. I'll see ya there.

JP

4:00 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

JP has declared himself "chicken", I calleed him out on the 15th, and now he wants to change the date, a case of pussidice if I ever saw one.

8:03 AM  

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