August 8, 2007

Omar Bradley, DUI's and the Future of America

Geez, I leave for a couple of days, and all hell breaks out. I'll get to my time off in a second, but a couple of things.

* I'm very sorry I forgot to comment on the party at 72nd and Dodge to celebrate Blaine Gabbert's 5th Rivals star. Church bells rang out throughout the state, as grown men jumped up and down, sprinting out of work with the energy of a 4 year old girl hopped up on no-doze. Somewhere, in the realm of cyberspace, a think tank located deep in the bowels of the mothership decided that subscriptions from Nebraska IP addresses were up 45% in recent months. Therefore, it was time to pull the trigger on granting this great specimen of human athleticism the country's greatest honor bestowed on amateur athletes.

The 21st century Omar Bradley (no, Not Omar Bolden who signed with Arizona State you freaks) was then quoted on Howdy and Severe's show on Monday as it not "being that big of a deal." How the hell can that kid say that? He went from being another 16 year old junior football player to being worshiped by 2.1 million nerds in a matter of months. I'm not sure who Gabbert's agent is at Nebraska (don't kid yourself), but he better do a pretty good job at preparing him for just what the hell he is stepping into.

The bad part is, I'm not exaggerating. I got no fewer than 1/2 a dozen text messages asking just how I was going to spin the 5th star. SPIN!?!? Am I so butt-ass stupid that I'm supposed to think this kid got better overnight because some analyst trying to sell his website says he's suddenly better?

We're all going to be speaking Chinese very soon after the impending invasion, and college recruiting hysteria is going to play a huge part of it.

* Speaking of thug programs you guys like to defend, nice to see boozing and driving is alive and well in Lincoln with the arrest of Hunter Teafatiller (is tha this real name?) this past week.

I realize it's not my favorite team, and I'm not the one who has to defend this group of thugs to the death...but at what point at the beginning of fall camp do you think to yourself that it's probably not a good thing to go out boozing til the bars close? Granted, when I wasn't in school, I didn't have the attention of an entire loser fanbase, but I'm guessing as the season actually starts (and don't kid started this past week)...I'd make sure I didn't do anything stupid to jeopardize my team or my playing status.

I'm sure Clownahan will take a long look as to how much this guy will impact his ability to save his job, and as soon as he realizes that he didn't even know his name prior to this weekend, he'll send a message and give him a strong and appropriate suspension of 2 games. I'm sure the statement from the NU athletic department will read something like this:

"We take this sort of thing extremely serious, especially since we looked like complete hypocritical jackasses the last time this happened way back last month. Despite our idiot fans blowing it off as "appropriate punishment", I as head coach have the duty to consider how important this player is to us winning. After finding Mr. Tailgaiter's bio in the student directory, I have come to the conclusion that we must set the proper example and show the nation (and ESPN in particular) that we will not tolerate such actions by a guy who wasn't going to play that much anyway."

It's pretty funny that the pathetic decision made to save his ass last month puts the Great Raider Flunky(c) in a pretty rough spot. Can't wait to watch the spin and the inevitable reaction from the soybean people.

* Speaking of soybean people, let's step away from the upcoming battle royal coming up this season with some things you may or may not have figured out.

So yesterday, I took the family to Adventureland amusement park in Des Moines. Considering it was 85 and cloudy in Des Moines and 103 and sunny at Worlds of Fun in Kansas City, I think I probably made the right decision. However, somewhere between the time I was hanging out at the bar in my early 20's up until now, I've gotten very very very old. Take for instance my peek into the world of America's youth that I saw on display yesterday at Iowa's greatest tourist attraction.

I realize I'm getting older. I've realized this not only when every muscle in my body ache at some point during the day, but also during the 15 times a day when I yell at the punk ass kids driving their 83 Charger through my neighborhood with NWA at full blast. I enjoy peace and quiet way more than I ever did. I enjoy the smooth sounds of Kasey Chambers over Kix or Motley Crue. I enjoy a nice merlot with dinner over the ability to slam 12 Bud Lights in 30 minutes while dancing to a cover band on a Tuesday night at Paddy Murphy's.

I'm old. I get it.

What I don't understand, is just who in the HELL decided that high school and college age dude should wear their hair like a cross between Sideshow Bob and that Justin douchebag from the first American Idol? At what point in California (I assume it was there) did some kid go..."you know what? I"m not going to cut or wash my hair for 4 years and the chicks will LOVE IT". I have a son. And although I don't expect him to wear his hair like Johnny Unitas, is it THAT hard to at least ATTEMPT to keep the bugs and sparrows out of it?

But that's not all. Perhaps it's just Iowa's youth..but when did everybody over the age of 12 get a tattoo? When I was a kid, the only dudes who had tattoos hung out behind the dairy queen, had Bon Jovi written on the back of their smokey jean jacket and spent every waking moment from 8:30-3pm in woodshop class. I realize it's hot outside, but it is really necessary to wear a wifebeater to go along with your sideways Yankees cap? (And remember, we're talking about the youth of Iowa here...not midtown Camden, New Jersey)

It's an absolute miracle that at some point while standing in line with 500 of these little bastards for 3 hours straight (so I could spend 30 seconds in a hollowed out fiberglass log) that I didn't just reach out and grab that one of those greasy little jackasses by the hair, and lecture him right then and there that he's blowing an absolute perfect opportunity.

Why is he blowing a perfect opportunity?

Because as goofy and idiotic as these young guys look now a days, girls of the same age are dressing as close to strippers and porn stars as they ever have in the history of mankind. So what cruel twist of fate is it that Jasper from Urbandale, Iowa lives in a world where 600 teenage girls are walking around with implants and tiny sports bras, and yet he looks like an upside-down broom with zits. As a responsible adult who lived through 80's music, I feel it is my duty to inform these guys that they're blowing a golden opportunity from God. I'm not sure who's fault it is, but if I were them...I'd find out who is responsible and make them pay.

Now the kids I'm talking about are in a vast minority. Not because they're outcasts or beyond the norm, but simply because they're part of the 15% of today's youth that isn't 50lbs overweight.

I've been pretty lucky in my life to have enough control over my body not to risk my health. However when I see 20 different kids of either sex who could easily pass for Mark Mangino...there's a severe issue at stake here. And don't think this problem doesn't overlap the previous issue I was discussing, because the fat girls are dressing just as slutty and the dudes are just as goofy. I mean, it's bad enough to look like a douche or skank...but throw 100lbs of obesity on top of it, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Now granted, I realize I was in Iowa and fat, nerdy and skanky kids do grow on trees there. However, the sheer numbers involved are enough to make you want to deeply question the future of this country. Perhaps it's because I am getting older. Perhaps I'm growing more and more out of touch with today's youth with each passing day? Or perhaps I'm right, and the whole country is doomed?

I'm not sure...but either way..stay the hell off my lawn while you're at it..

Damn kids.


Anonymous davepowers said...

the review of the amusement park was brilliant!

you didn't mention the back of their pants dragging half way down to their knees... please say they're starting to get over that particular fashion trend.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

much props on the rant about iowa. i was literally crying while laughing so hard. iowa sucks ass and i make it a point to never cross the river unless i have no choice. bad decision on choosing to spend a day in des moines, no matter how hot it may be elsewhere (iowa is as close to hell as you can get), but the rant was brilliant. keep in mind, those children werent little husker fans, but rather little cyclone and hawkeye fatass inbred meth addicts. i do pity your choice to spend a day in iowa but i just think of it as god punishing you for choosing not to cheer for his team, and i think you know which team i speak of.


11:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, biLLLLLy and staff take these DUI charges VERY SERIOUSLY! Why, they sit around and discuss it for hours at a time and never so much as crack a smile. They sometimes even wring their hands and say things like "My oh my."

Teafatiller will not be punished. It's his second DUI arrest in three months, but his dad played for Illinois when biLLLLLy and Coz were grad assistants there.

biLLLLLy already said he would be "disciplined internally".

9:31 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

OHF - Glad we can finally agree on something.


10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Seriously, culture and sofistication increases/decreases between Iowa/Nebraska????

1:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Are you implying that I somehow think Nebraska is a bastion for the young and cosmo?

Oh dude...

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone who spells sophistication incorrectly must really be fuckin' something.

Probably from Missouri.


6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that Blond Chick your frind with benifits?

IE: Sex Buddy, Drinking Buddy, Hair Dresser, Football Advisor,.........

8:14 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Shouldn't you be standing on the side of Ventura blvd, selling maps to celebrity houses?

Damn spelling Nazi

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are no celebrities in the The Valley, dude.


11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I know you don't like to talk about your Tigers, but how much were you sweating when they hauled Temple off the practice field the other day? You guys lose any ability to run the ball and Daniel is going to have a much harder time back there..


PS. I have no idea yet how this Husker team will perform, but I have a feeling we're going to come out of Columbia with a win.. I love all the hype Mizzou is getting, I think it's the best thing that can happen to this Husker team... BTW, good luck with the Illini... I'd hate to see you lose to a Big 10 school, but I'd be a little worried about them

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before you start tearing into Iowa or Nebraska culture, you might want to look into your home state.

You really don't think there are less hillbillies in Missouri than either Iowa or Nebraska? Do you? Head south of I-70 to your tourist havens (Branson and the Ozarks) and my point will be proven.

There are more mullets on the Ozarks now than there were at Peony Park in the 80's. At a couple of those bars, I had to count every customer in the place to get a full set of teeth.

Let's not even get into literacy rates or state college admission standards.

1:10 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Porn stars in the Valley = Celebs to me.

PS - Randy, that would have sucked, but it wouldn't have been a shocker. He's had knee troubles in the past, so it wasn't unexpected. Jackson and Goldsmith played OK at times last year when Temple was benched.

The good thing is...the Mizzou offense relies way more on passing than losing a guy like Temple wouldn't be as devestating as losing Rucker or Coffman or Daniel.

Not that it would have been good mind you..but not as devestating as you would think. Losing a guy on defense like Van Alexander I think is more destructive because of the inexpierence back there. The offense will score points regardless of who is at TB.

PS - I can talk about Mizzou just fine....however I'm not in denial about how good or bad they are. They've sucked most of my life. I"ll be the first to admit that.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Coach Bughead said...

Just finished Husker Mikes article and seen that the Huskers are chanting "National Championship" at the end of practice. A more appropriate chant might be "Bail Money" or "Bud Wiser".

3:00 PM  

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