As Fall Nears - Let Hate Month Begin

By the power vested in me by myself and no others, I declare August, 2007 as the official “Month of Hate”.

So what does “Hate month” mean you ask? I don’t really know, but I generally regard August and the slow buildup toward the college football season as the absolute pinnacle of hatred toward Satan’s favorite Scarlet colored football team. A bit harsh you say? Over-dramatic? Possibly. However, it has come to my attention that not only is my message of anti-Nebraska hatred being heard, it’s also quickly spreading from team to team within the Big 12 and beyond.

Hits are up this season. Why just the other day, a well-known Husker internet personality single-handedly blamed ME for the recent bad blood between Missouri and Nebraska fans. Now honestly…do I look like somebody who would condone blind hatred toward a group of student athletes and their highly decorated, nationally ridiculed fan base? How would somebody get that impression? It doesn’t stop there. Insults and snide comments have come from all corners of the Husker nation, directly implicating ME of all people in conducting a hate-filled crusade against the greatest group of collegiate warriors God ever put on this earth. (Can you believe such a thing?) The funniest part to me is…I don’t even think you guys are that mad at me anymore. It’s almost as if you’ve finally accepted the fact that somebody out there doesn’t recognize your greatness. For that you should all be mildly commended.

Anyhow, the point is…I would feel bad about all of this..if I didn’t have such a damn good case for being right about just about every single thing I claim on this webspace..

Case in point: I’m driving home the other day, and a well-known Omaha radio personality (who’s last name rhymes with Moogler) decided to go on a nice 5 minute diatribe (again) on why the Huskers weren’t picked #1 in the media poll prior to Big 12 media days. Mr. Moogler went into his hissy fit about how NOBODY at Big 12 media day picked against the Huskers that he or his sarcastic on-air partner could find. Perhaps it’s more of an indication of what other media members think of YOU than it is a statement against Nebraska? In other words, it’s quite possible the 66% of writers who voted against the Huskers can’t stand you…or at least that’s how I take it.

For you see, the great part in all of this is that there is no gray area. Sure there are people who somewhat float in the middle of the great Husker debate…people many of the loyal readers of this blog call “Frank apologists” or others who claim to be “Callaphiles”. Whatever you douchebags want to call each other is fine by me. However, when push comes to shove, you’re ALL in the same boat. That goes to the 93 year old woman whom I met at a family dinner the other day (who’s literally had Husker season tickets since the 40’s), all the way to paid media members who actually tell people their opinions for a living.

ALL OF YOU…from the old lady right down to the sarcastic, Hawk-and-Wimpy-esque homerism that oozes from their red ink soaked laptop of some of the state’s best writers..you’ve ALL bought into this season like no other. For you see, I can’t find a ONE of you who thinks rationally about this year’s Husker football team. Not a SINGLE DAMN ONE.

For example, in that 24 hour period, the old lady went into detail about how she thought that “California coach” was doing a great job and they were going to be great this year. (Have another dip of polygrip ya hag). Later, a 30 year old woman on a conference call actually had the gall to call out an Iowa State alumni for being a member of a “Loser school”. The conversation then went on to how she would “See you all in New Orleans”, come the first week of January. To top it off, former Husker Abdul Mohammed (and yes, I said FORMER)…is on my radio on the drive home…ranting and railing about what a thrill it is to be a Husker. Hey Abdul WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU BE DOING OTHERWISE? Perhaps that fellowship at Harvard fell through and you find yourself with some time on your hands? Or perhaps that published paper on Quantum physics is being delayed, and you have nothing better to do than get on the radio with other former shitty psudo-wide receivers/outside blockers, and tell the world how great you were in 1995.

Guess what Abdul, despite the bullet in your ass, the ONLY thing anybody finds interesting about you is the fact that you’re a 30-something year old man, who is on the radio, calling 17 year old guys “studs” and explaining how a Sophomore defensive back (with 1 career tackle) “just loves to hit people”.

WHAT DEFENSIVE PLAYER DOESN’T like to hit people? Other teams have guys who don’t like to hit people too..they’re called male cheerleaders.

I know I hit on this quite often, but once again…I can not possibly put into words how completely off-the-chart, out of your mind completely crazy you people are for your outlook on the season. Many people thought the 2004 season would send people over the edge. I completely disagreed at the time, because there were ZERO expectations. This year however…all of that has changed.

I dare you to find me ONE person who can rebut the fact that JC Keller is a proven cancer. Name ONE person who can even admit that the guy has barely finished ONE HALF of a full season IN HIS CAREER. Yet, many of you same doorknobs are pissed off when Mel Kiper or somebody doesn’t mention him as a Heisman candidate. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU blast other teams like Missouri for “not having any defense”…yet your same team..with WORSE statistics from last year, actually lost your best four players in the ONLY part of your defensive scheme that was worth a crap last year…stopping the run.

I’ve been calling you people out for being completely out of your mind idiots for over two decades, and this is far and away the worst I’ve ever seen. Not necessarily in the form of myopia that oozes out of your nose like the snot from the little 6-year old bastard who sat across from me at Ruby Tuesday’s last week…but in the sheer consistency. This one is going to hurt unlike anything that has ever hit you before.

Perhaps you will end up winning the north.
Perhaps you will win a couple of games.

But nothing in the world could live up to the massive hype and expectations you inbreed hicks have built up for yourselves and your team. Great holy shitballs I can not wait to grab some popcorn and watch the fireworks right about mid-October when you people are looking at 3-3 and the realization that year four of the Great Raider Flunky Experiment ™ has failed. Only then…will you understand. (That is those of you who will not have either stabbed yourself in the gut with a pitchfork, or headed to the top of the First National tower with some goggles and a scarf)

In the meantime…let Hate Month begin…and may the most myopic fans win…or fall woefully short to the gleeful delight of others around you, as the case shall be.