I Hate to Burst Your Bubble

Contrary to what many of you believe, I don’t spend every waking moment at the wheel of this blog. I actually do have some other things going on. However, I do pride myself on at least updating this space a few times during the week, to keep you all informed of what kind of complete jackoff Husker fans really are.

So with that being said, I officially apologize for slacking the last couple of days. With the season coming up, it’s going to be tough for me to hit my every-other-day goal….but I can assure you: By week #1, this site will be updated daily. Not because I have a lot of time, but because Joe Husker fan is so completely out-of-his-mind batshit crazy this year, there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to let it slide.

As has been the recurring theme of this blog over the past 3 or 4 months, never have so many people been so excited about so little. Unfortunately, I knew July would be this bad, and it’s certainly not disappointing. What am I talking about?

Listen to a radio call in show in this town.
Read a message board posting. (Not a Husker one..any other team)
Talk to Husker fans on the street, at work at the AA meeting..wherever.

It is everywhere. There was even a “Go Big Red” message at the church where my cousin was Baptized a few weeks ago. CERTAINLY, if we can have a constitutional amendment keeping church and public buildings separate…can’t we keep the damn Husker propaganda out of church? Is it really that hard?

Despite all that, I wanted to break down just why you all feel so good about yourselves. Let’s cut through the obvious, such as the fact that many of you think it’s 1995 again, and somehow one of your players is going to start punching women and it’ll be all good again. Oh wait.

Anyhow, I thought I would go unit by unit and just see what all the hype is about. I think we’re going to need a team of psychologists to actually get to the root of why you people are even more annoying than usual.

Quarterback –

Let’s start with the easiest one first. OBVIOUSLY, if you’re the 2006 HUSKER SCOUT TEAM PLAYER OF THE YEAR, you’re going to generate excitement. As you know, Husker fan is creaming his overalls over JC Keller, as has been the case for almost 2 years now. However, let’s take a little better look at WHY. Obviously, Keller is a fine QB. Even I won’t dispute that. But is the excitement MORE about “how great Keller is” or is it more about the fact that up to just a couple of years or so ago, you people chalked this year ups as rebuilding year behind Joey Ganz or Heisman Harrison Beck. So with that, most of you automatically assume that the stars are aligned just right.

But what are you not seeing?

True, JC is a fine QB with size, arm strength blah blah blah (don’t forget that SCOUT TEAM PLAYER OF THE YEAR award)…but HOW good? Would it shock you to realize that dude has never had a season with over 60% passing? (Shitty Chase Daniel finished at 64% last year FYI) In fact, his career best completion % is exactly the same as Zac Taylor’s…59%.

"Hey blog asshole, that doesn’t mean jack. He threw for 2,100 yards in 7 games." OK fine, he threw for 461 yards against LSU. How did he do against Temple? (208). How bout the 5 picks against USC? How about the two against Oregon? How bout the fact that during that magical season of 2005, only ONE of his passes went for over 50 yards? How bout the fact he’s never even played a full 13 game season before? (Hell, try 8)

Please realize that I haven’t even touched on the fact that his own team wanted him gone.

Now, with all of that, I will continue to say he’s a fine QB. Obviously he threw for big numbers for ½ of 1 season, two of which were very good teams. (yawn). So my next question is…are you willing to base your ENTIRE season on 7 games? And it’s not like there were any before that, because prior to 2005, Sam Keller’s career consisted of a WHOPPING 114 passes. (6 TD’s 2 INTs) Again, none of this may mean jack to you. You may feel that 7 games in a pass-happy conference on a shitty team that was always behind is something to base your hopes and dreams on….but that’s fine. But let the record show…if that were me…I’d be a tad more cautiously optimistic than many of you.

Running Back -
Believe it or not, I was actually a big Brandon Jackson fan. I even said before the game last year that NOBODY on that team scared me more than him. He was a great talent, and the fact that your idiot coach ROTATED him with others shows just how flippin stupid he is. Regardless, Marlon Lucky and his 3.7 ypc in the last 8 games of last year are even more fuel for your myopia fire. Once again, I’ve seen him look just great..and I’ve seen him look like crap. But much like JC Keller, I’m not sure I would pin my hopes and dreams on a guy who has only carried the ball more than 20 times…..ONCE. (only more than 13 times, twice)

That’s right…Only ONE time has Marlon Lucky ever carried the ball more than 20 times. (And even then, he only finished with 96 yard rushing…less than 4 yards per carry. And just who the hell is going to back him up? Cody Glenn? Didn’t he have his leg cut off in an accident or something? I don’t know..whatever it was…again, if you want to bank on an injured buy with 71 carries…be my guest.

I’m not exactly sure I’d be buying those tickets to New Orleans just yet with that either.

Wide Receivers –
Now we’re getting where it gets fun. The MOST ridiculous thing I hear from Husker fan (Aside from the fact that some guy guaranteed me 11 wins at work the other day) is the fact that you are “loaded at wide receiver”.

Please take a moment to let the ridiculousness of this statement sink in.

Are you people out of your flippin minds?

Purify; great talent. Big target. TD threat. Also punches women, fumbles in key situations and may not even be around for part of the season. So with Mo out, who is supposed to anchor this “loaded” wide receiver corps? Terrence Nunn? Isn’t he the guy who fumbled even more than Purify? Since when does a 600 yard guy and a 500 yard guy equal “loaded”. Nate Swift? I’m not even going to talk about Nate Swift, because it’s a scientific fact that 85% of you people actually think he’s Matt Davison. (Who ran out of eligibility like 8 years ago.) Franz Hardy? Todd Peterson? Let me know when you get to the loaded part.

As was tied in with JC Keller…Keller had those great 7 games because he had WAY more targets than Fumble Stiltskin, Purify and Doogie Swift. Seriously, if somebody can compare the Arizona State 2005 receivers and backs to the 2007 Nebraska receivers and backs (Especially without stun-gun-Mo), I’d sure like to hear about it. Once again, more than a majority of you are simply way too used to watching old highlight videos of the 84 San Francisco 49ers to know what a good receiving group looks like. As soon as ONE of you yellow Styrofoam wearing hicks tells me how, you’ll be the first.

Offensive Line –
Ok, I’ll give you this one. You will be IMPROVED. The word “improved” is a far cry however from the “greatest line the Big 12 has ever seen”, which is what one douchebag tried to sell me via e-mail the other day. Then again, an offensive line that was 23rd in the nation in rushing (how many were against Troy?) and a whopping 68th in sacks allowed, probably has quite a bit of room to improve. Now as many of you know, the day I go doing research on individual fat asses on the line and break them down is the day I shoot myself. But let the record show…on paper you have a lot of experience coming back. But as compared to last year…while facing a MUCH tougher schedule (not to mention losing your #1 RB from last year), I think you have a lot further to go than many of you think.

Kicker/Special Teams –
You were 112th last year in kickoff returns.
You were 69th in the nation in punt returns as a team
Your kicker sucks beyond comprehension. (And he’s back)

But hey…at least that Titchener kid is a good punter. Oh wait…68th nationally in punting.

Nevermind.


Later on this week – The Blackskirts