August 31, 2007

An Open Letter to Husker Fan - 2007 Edition

Dear Husker fan,

Well, here we are again as we stand on the curb, waiting to depart on another long journey. Before I go into my annual rant about my true feelings for you, I need to digress for a moment.

When I was a kid, I watched a LOT of TV. I watched game shows, sitcoms and pretty much everything in between. I'd watch just about anything at anytime, much to the disdain of my parents. One show my folks loved was one of the shows I liked the absolute least.

Fantasy Island ran from 1978 to 1984, and pretty much put me to sleep every time before the closing credits. For those of you too young to remember, Fantasy Island was about this creepy old dude who, along with his midget sidekick, welcomed people to their Hawaiian resort in order to let them face their fears and live out their fantasies.

The problem is, the show sucked donkey balls. Even at the age of 9, I thought it was completely idiotic that somebody could be so stupid as not to see through Mr. Roark's phony, "Why...THIS wasn't in the plans!!" bullshit. How could these people be this dumb? "That gypsy isn't your mother reincarnated to save you from being killed by the evil rancher. It's just some homeless woman that Mr. Roark trained and the rancher us just some actor hired by the resort. You stupid bitch, just ask to see some ID!" And so it went every week.

Driving around the other day, I realized that something from the past reminded me of the current state of Husker football. Something tugged at that Deja Vu feeling that lives inside all of us.

The similarities are spooky.

- Creepy guy with white hair promises that your fantasy will come true.
- Goofy looking dude with black hair and a funny accent is his little bitch.
- People show up to "paradise" in order for creepy guy to make dreams come true.
- Something goes horribly wrong, people are ultimately sorry they met creepy guy.
- The whole thing is revealed as a sham as smoke and mirrors are revealed.
- Bystander goes back to boring life after learning a valuable lesson.

Sound familiar?

Four the better part of four seasons, I have tried to tell you people that your existence is one giant product of smoke and mirrors. Like the idiot lady convinced that they gypsy is her long-lost mother, you people go ahead and collectively believe otherwise, despite the warnings and objections from those outside your own circle. Like that woman on the show, you've been lured with the promises of a better life...a better state of mind...a better world in which to live in...of "restored" order.

And just as predictably as the dumb blond in 1978, you are just too damn stupid to see the strings being pulled in the background. You are a complete and total fraud, living in a land where everything is held tightly to the vest in order to keep you from knowing the truth. Your leader is a con artist. Your players are thugs and deviants. Your ethics, morals and values that used to fill you with pride are in shambles. Your coaches are dolts. Your traditions are pathetically outdated, idiotic and corny. Your uniforms hideous. Your self-patronizing arrogance is a product of your own envy toward other teams. You're obnoxious. You're unimaginative. You're sophomoric. You have the sophistication of Buck Owens covering a Naughty by Nature song. You're a puppet playing a part in the master production of an egomaniac and a dude who couldn't coach his way out of a Pop Warner playoff.

You may think to yourself, "Hey crazy blog guy...you do this every year. Why is this year different?"

This year is different, because the world is slowly beginning to realize how full of shit you really are. Whether it's facts resulting from this blog, some random rival Big 12 message board, or one of your state's best media members blathering on and on about concepts, theories and Jeremy Crabtree's opinions...people around college football and the conference are slowly starting to understand what I've been preaching for years.

That whole clapping for the losing team thing? Sham
That whole "win with class" thing? Sham
That whole "win with good kids" thing? Gone
That whole homegrown talent developed by hard work? Sham
That whole close-knit coaching family? Gone
That whole humble and knowledgeable fan base? Fraud
The whole "Win with class and dignity thing? Never existed

Your entire program...your complete and total reason for existence on this earth is riding upon the hope and ramblings of a complete and total madman, who's fluky 5th-choice head coach is barely treading water to keep from getting humiliated against any team worth a shit. He may base his offense on Tecmo Bowl theories, but Bill Callahan is at the very least smart enough to know that if USC beats you by 50...he's going to have to deal with way more than just "Frank apologists"..namely battering rams, boiling buckets of tar and giant industrial-sized bags of chicken feathers.

I used to ramble on that I was your only enemy. At the time, I was one fighting behind enemy lines, trying ton convince the world what complete and total hayseed idiots you people were. Well that phase is complete. Mission freaking accomplished.

Your enemy now lies within. Your enemy now wears your colors, resides in your own office and is paid for by your tax dollars. The same man who passes out Order Restored t-shirts and presents his teams with made-up trophies for something that was second nature just 6 years ago, is now the same guy who is sailing the ship past the red-colored iceberg. Unfortunately for you, instead of raising the alarm and changing directions, you've put your faith in a moron and gone back below deck to the buffet for seconds. (Many of you literally from the looks of you)

As stated previously, it takes hard work and dedication to destroy a top-tiered program, and it doesn't take an MIT professor to see it all coming from a mile away. Many of you will point with schoolgirl delight the fact that you've got a "Hesiman" Caliber QB to lead your team. You are quick to inform others just how quick and talented Marlon Lucky is. The linebackers are "studs". The Offensive line is of 1983 caliber. The DB's will most certainly be better because Rivals100 told you so. Not just one of you believe this...but all of you. This is the case with the casual observer at the corner bingo game in North Platte all the way up to the state's top sports columnist, who has so much kool-aid flowing through his veins that his blood type is Mountainberry Punch..

But lost in your euphoria is the ability to think even with the most remote clarity. You've sacrificed your reputation, your morals, your integrity and your sanity just to get back to where you were. You have no choice but to believe Keller is the second coming of Joe Montana...you have no choice but to believe that Marlon Lucky is Barry Sanders...you have no choice but to compare Corey McKeon to Dick Butkis. Why?

You have no choice, because if you're all wrong...you'll become everything you've mocked for the better part of 40 years.

To make things worse yet, if you're no longer the National Power you've built up in you're mind...you'll end up being nothing more than some overweight red-clad bumpkin who lives in the middle of fucking nowhere, with nothing more to talk about beyond comparing Volleyball statistics, the 2008 John Deere models and last week's milo prices. This realization that without the self-created dominance of Husker football, has most of you subliminally scared to death...just as it should. What in the hell are you going to do with your time once Steve Pederson has destroyed your program? Ride bumper cars at Fun Plex? The Farmer's Market every Saturday morning? Omaha Botanical Gardens? Blockbuster Total Access?

You idiots act like douchebags because you have absolutely no choice. Meanwhile, the rest of us normal fans in the world of college sports snicker relentlessly, as we watch your complete implosion before our very eyes.

But why snicker?
You assholes have been pulling this "we're better than you" shit for the better part of four decades. Why in the hell shouldn't K-State fan pile on the hate toward your phantom greatness? Why shouldn't Colorado roll their eyes at the way you break your arm patting yourself on the back 24/7? Why shouldn't Missouri fan pile on with every ounce of hate and disdain toward the red-clad Ned Flanders look alikes who have stood across from them every season, clapping politely and and slowly nodding. "It's OK Tigers..you'll get better...good luck to you."

Fuck you Husker fan.

Fuck you horizontally with a steaming tire iron you pathetic overall wearing, wheat munching, George straight listening, reality dodging, combine driving, pheasant hunting, Trev worshiping, rival star counting, Larry the Cable Guy DVD owning, recruit lusting ass clowns.

This implosion has been a long time coming, and will be savored and enjoyed by every single fan of every single team who has witnessed your arrogance and insincere attitude toward anything and anybody who has ever kept their distance from threatening you. Well now not only am I threatening you...reality is threatening you in the form of a bare and desolate wasteland that will become your hopes and dreams if just ONE of your horseshit unrealistic expectations doesn't hit the mark this season.

You may beat Nevada tomorrow. You may even pull a win out of your ass at Wake Forest in 8 days. But no matter what you do, you must come to the realization that there is absolutely no looking back. You snipe at each other like conjoined brothers trapped in the back seat of a Ford Country Squire Station wagon on a cross country trip. You get more pissed off at a fellow Husker fan who appreciated Frank Solich and the option than you do people like me who bash you every minute and accuse your hall-of-fame former coach of having sex with farm animals. These are the rapidly expanding cracks in the rock-solid foundation that Bob Devaney, Tom Osborne and hundreds of woman beaters, thugs, petty thieves and drunk drivers have laid before you. If and when you screw this up, they'll be nothing left for the rest of us to do but laugh at the whole lot of you...frantically drowning in the raging river of tears that only you created.

I hope you get bitchslapped upside the head by every single team you play. I hope each and every one of you realize just how idiotic it was to put all your faith in a slick white-haired guy in a 50 dollar suit who sounds like a cross between Sylvester the Cat and Hannah Montana. I hope you someday realize just what complete and total hypocritical assholes you've become, in your quest to chase your youth.

Perhaps you should take a trip to recapture that feeling of importance and dominance? Perhaps you should step back, and try and make things right. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your support and loyalties, and set your mind straight?

Perhaps a trip to Fantasy Island is in order?

"The plane Steve!....The plane!!!"

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. This is gonna be fun.

AJ



31 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa. You've got issues. (The picture made me laugh though).

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

This blog is fun. I can't stand smug people. On another note, too bad they are the Good'nPlentyHuskers or JujuBeeHuskers or even AppleHuskers so I don't have to read about a mile of corn-ridden shit again....

8:48 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Rachel is my new favorite poster.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As stale as my morning KFC biscuit.

Love how you post links to this crap on message boards. Weak shit, man. Weak.

9:52 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

It's a Tigerboard tradtion. Sorry it didn't meet your high standards.

www.huskersillustrated.com

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ:

You are absolutely hilarious!
Your "you have the sophistication of Buck Owens covering a Naughty by Nature song" was priceless. Dare I say, a poor man's Jim Rome? Good smack, but for heaven's sake don't lose your spleen in venting.
I'm a Husker fan living in Columbia. (I could easily share volumes of material regarding the plethora of overweight, dentition challenged meth-makers here in Mid-Missouri if I were so inclined.) When I moved to Nebraska to attend medical school, I took the opposite approach than you. Same with my move to Columbia. (In fact I had more reticence about moving to Columbia based on what I had heard as an undergrad in St.Louis at Wash U.) To each his own.
Best wishes on the upcoming season!

Joe

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ

Sorry your favorite team sucks and you live in a state with one of the greatest football traditions on earth. It must be difficult.

Steve

12:09 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thanks Joe

12:16 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

zzz... usually i read your entire entries, but it was the same shit 20th verse, and i couldnt even finish it because you lost my attention... seriously aj, the day in the life post was funny, so was the post about adventureland. stick to what youre good at, dont rant like a lunatic, its old, unoriginal, and not funny.

illinois 27 missery 24

nebraska 52 nevada 13

12:20 PM  
Blogger NEBforOSU said...

"one of the greatest football traditions on earth"

What traditions???

Maybe you miss this on AJ blog entries, but his point is what you said, the self righteous attitude of being the greatest team on the earth. Do you honestly think that people out side of the state of Nebraska gives a shit about this team. You give the idea that everyone awaits the football season to see how the sker's are gonna do. Guess what, only the folks inside Nebraska and the alumni pockets out side the state care.

What do you go on vacation and randomly run up to some folks with your sker shirt on, and claim "we" won 5 national titles???

Get some reality here, JP and Randy at least can support their statements with some logical thought. They dont go around screaming "We're" Number 1 to every one they meet on the street. They have the ability to talk football, and not spew out trash.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weaker than posting links on messages boards regarding a blog may be clicking on said link, reading blog, then commenting on blog from said link with a lame statement about what you eat for breakfast.

1:13 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OHF - I hear ya...and since you've been around long enough..you know the rants are fewer and farther between as I get older.

However, you should also know that the biggest and most profane rants are ALWAYS the day before the season. (Go back in the archives).

If I didn't throw out one long hate-filled speech, you'd be sad, and I'd have to explain why I've developed into a bit more of an editorialist, instead of an reactionary acid-filled ball of hate.

It's just one post to remind you what I think about you all...even if I've gotten kinder and gentler in my old age.

1:18 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

The "Move your ass to Counciltucky" mini-rant was extremely weak. Even for you people."

Wow..."move"

How original.

Idiot

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ, I have to agree that is one of the worst shows to be on the air.

OK time to cut to the chase.

I think coach "C" is a class act, look at the talent level now from what he was left with. I respect what Solich did all those years he had with the Huskers but he was not the coach to lead us into the future. You need to read a book with the title of "Who Moved My Cheese". Change is good but hard to accept

NUFF said ON THAT SHIT IT IS OLD NEWS.

I am a true fan and YES I cheer what ever team comes to town, win or lose. I enjoy talking with them before and after a game over a few adult beverages, hell I even Gave away a ticket to a Texas fan I met at a job site so he could watch the game in Lincoln.

Yes I will go dove hunting on Saturday and be at the game before kickoff, that is the kind of red neck I am.

As always,
You Can Eat A Mile Of My Corn Ridden Shit and Kiss My Husker Ass

PS
Read the damn book and I bet you will be huming the HUSKER fight song the next day

PSS

Rachel, not sure who tore off the string on your tampon but take a Mydole and chill and enjoy the ride

11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

one last thing we will be able to talk some serious smak in a few weeks before we come to your fine campus

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That final picture really was the icing on the cake of a great entry! I honestly couldn't stop laughing. Hilarious! You HAVE to do some more photoshop. Really adds fuel to the fire. Keep up the great writing AJ!

3:32 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Damn, if you would have spelled Mydol right, you would have nailed that one out of the park. (Not that I'm a perfect spelling guru either..but still).

Enjoy the dove hunting this morning.

Heh

7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If we get technical, it should be PPS and not PSS. That said, I wouldn't expect you to be able to spell a three letter word like PMS much less understand it...Seriously though, wouldn't a mile of JujuBee ridden shit be a lot nicer than corn ridden shit? If anything, it would certainly be more colorful. You sound like you need color in your life.

Rachel

10:33 AM  
Blogger TB said...

AJ, wasn't it you who said lower-division teams could compete with major college programs?

Appalachian State 34
Michigan 32

...in Ann Arbor.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your Tigers have some issues on Defense. How many freaking yards did Illinois have, like 600? The Illini were 2-9 last year. Good luck with that defense. You're gonna need it.

Can't wait for your post about how Marlon Lucky didn't really have 233 yards rushing today. Also, I can't wait for BHG and BigRedFred to chime in about how all the Solich recruits made the difference today. Which one exactly, guys?

JP

JP

7:36 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

AJ, I know you're lying now. I thought I was the one that brought the term 'television' with me to Nebraska in '05.

Now, I'll go back to my huskerpedia and pull down my pants. Where's Jamaal Lord with my cleanup towel?

7:46 PM  
Blogger Big Head said...

Oh, and Counciltucky is now known as "C-Bang". Just dropping knowledge since you've apparently got to move.

Go Mizzou!

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww, looks like the little guy is angry. Seriously, why don't you quit your fucking whining and be a realist. Husker fans are bias and unrealistic. You are even more-so. Find a middle ground. You're like a little girl you cry so much.

8:23 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

If you think Marlon Lucky can run 30 times a game...you're dumber than I thought.

It's real tough to run against 210lb Defensive linemen from a 5-loss WAC team.

The only issue Mizzou has is between the ears. Luckily, they sucked it up, where in other years, they'd have blown that game by 50.

Play a team that wouldn't challenge Omaha Bryan and then run your mouth.

PS - Care to start up the Keller > Daniel argument?

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keller vs. Booger Daniels is not relevant to anything. Neither is the NU Oline vs. Mizzou Oline argument, even though I might win both?

Lucky won't have to carry it 30 times every week, but if he's getting free he'll get it often. Castille will continue to take the pressure off of him as will the other three RBs who played effectively today.

Mizzou lacks talent on Defense. Nothing between the ears has anything to do with it.

JP

10:56 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

You're high.

If you watched the game...and I'm sure you didn't...you'd see that the defense actually played quite well.

That kid that came in for Illinois was damn good. Very Brad Smith like.

Not sure if you remember him.

PS - "Booger" owns pretty boy Keller. (Props to him for going over .500 on his career though) (golf clap)

12:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey aj (Ass Jockey):

Can you say 52-10.

You can now blow me.

GBR

12:41 AM  
Anonymous ohf said...

as always, i am eagerly awaiting to see how you spin this one...

-me

1:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When did I ever say anything about Marlon averaging 30 carries a game? Now you're just reaching for material because you can't find any more excuses. First Nevada is going to keep it within 10, then 17. Then we win by 42 and they're just some "5 loss WAC team." (BTW, a WAC team beat the Big XII champs last year in the Fiesta Bowl, in case you forgot).

Besides, we will do more than play Nevada. While they would easily be the hardest game in Missouri's cupcake non-conference schedule (good job beating a Ron Zook-coached team by 6...LMAO), they're 3rd out of 4 for us. Next up is the ACC champs on the road. After we beat them by 20+, you'll be pouring out excuses ("Oh, they aren't the same team they were last year! They'd be lucky to beat Western Kentucky! They'll finish 6th in their division this season!") Then, you predict a 40-point loss for us against SC...I don't expect for Nebraska to win that game, but I do expect us to keep it within 10. Regardless, even if we do take it down to the wire, you'll write your normal hate speech about how it should've been worse and SC just shut it down and felt sorry for us. Every week the same thing. You're like a fucking broken record. I'm sorry man. This thing used to be respectable, but you're just a dejected whiney Mizzou fan who's sick of never going above .500 in conference play (which, by the looks of today, probably won't ever happen under Pinkel). Just get real and give respect where respect is due some time. Nebraska, OU, Kansas and Kansas State were the only Big XII teams that looked respectable this week, and out of the winning 3, Nebraska played easily the toughest opponent. So just quit the jealousy bit and be a knowlegable, unbiased college football fan for once.

2:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was on one of the TVs at the bar I was at in Huntington Beach. I watched Mizzou give up nearly 450 yards and over 20 first downs to a team who was 2-9 last year and who has a new coaching staff. You better hope you can outscore everyone. Mizzou looked like a WAC team to me. Kinda like Nevada last year. You'll enjoy the Holiday Bowl though. San Diego is nice in December.

JP

2:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Nebraska, OU, Kansas and Kansas State were the only Big XII teams that looked respectable this week, and out of the winning 3, Nebraska played easily the toughest opponent."

I know it's nitpicking, but Central Michigan is a better team than Nevada, or at least they're should be. Trust me on this.

2:50 PM  

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