The 2008 Off-Season in Review

I can’t believe the season begins two weeks from tomorrow. Crazy to think it was all that long ago when the world was laughing their collective asses off at the misfortune and misguided expectations of a vanquished people. In fact it has been nearly eight months since the world tucked college football away for the summer, only to dust it off and crack open the door during the dog days of August.

It’s been a long off-season but a historic one. Gone are the wild expectations, the ridiculous claims and insatiable lust for self-indulgence that has followed Husker fans for decades. Actually, who am I kidding? You’re just as bad as ever, only now we get to point and laugh at you as you stand within the charred ruins of a once great program.

So if you only follow this blog during the football season, you may be wondering….”Just what the hell do you talk about during the off-season?” Good question. In today’s column, let’s take a look back at an unproductive and unexciting off-season that saw the end of an era…the beginning of another one...and a whole lot of stupid stuff along the way.

I present to you, the 2008 off-season recap:

- Since your off-season started WAYYYYYY before everybody else’s…let’s go back to the biggest story of your year; The crowning of King Bo the Messiah. Now I’m with the rest of you in that we’ve heard this WHOLE song and dance before, and quite frankly…even the buffoon that was Bill Callahan at least had SOME credentials. But alas, Husker fan set the time machine back to 2003 and the last Husker team that actually did anything. (If you call getting smoked by Mizzou and K-State by a combined 46 points “anything”). Regardless, like the dawn of a new Pope, Husker fan took the news with his usual reserved outlook and subdued opinions…just as we thought they would.

- Immediately after the hiring of King Bo the Messiah, Husker fan immediately took credit for the 2007 National Champion LSU Tigers. Granted, saying your team has the same amount of talent as LSU is kind of like saying the Boston Red Sox have the same talent as the South Omaha Little League All-Stars because they all swing stick-like objects while hitting. Yet, this did not stop the inevitable back patting and surrogate cheering…even though the sting of giving up 44 Big 12 touchdowns (yes…44) was still painfully fresh.

- As the euphoria wore off of hiring a rookie coach who has 1 more game of head college coaching experience than I do…Husker fans turned their attention for 2 weeks (as they often do) toward basketball. Creighton did it’s usual nosedive late, and Nebraska lost to the perennial juggernaut that is Baylor. Head Coach Doc Sadler’s team celebrated like it was 1994 with a win over toothless Mizzou, where the winner got a trophy that included a blue and red enema from an eventual National Championship* KU team. A highlight for years to come the Huskers beat a powerful Charlotte team at home in the NIT before falling 5 days later to SEC power Kentucky. Oh wait..it was Mississippi. My bad.

- in Mid January, the New York Giants beat the Patriots in what is now regarded as one of the NFL’s most compelling Super Bowls. Normally I would not give a rat’s ass about the Super Bowl (since my team has no shot in hell at going)…however I need to take this second to remind you once again that it was a blogger who resembles me that said the Patriots would “no way in hell” beat the Giants. If most of you weren’t out printing up “Bo Bo Bo – Merry Christmas” shirts instead of pay attention, you may have noticed.

- Signing Day in February saw Husker recruits falling off the recruiting hook at an alarming yet hilarious rate. After losing marquee signees such as Blaine Gabbert and Jonas Gray to "rival" programs, (those two were never that good anyway) the Husker staff became desperate. Enter Husker Coach Mike Eckler, who showed up at a prized recruit’s door with the mother of all fraught and bizzare ploys ever seen in the history of college football. The only thing more lame and pathetic than trying to wow a recruit with a tattoo of his name on your arm…is the actual recruit himself being as lame and pathetic enough to fall for it. It was a match made in heaven, as Nebraska salvaged one last scrap of pride…just in time for signing day. (Not that it matters…because the same people who ended arguments with Rival Stars and Jeremy Crabtree’s comments…now believe recruiting doesn’t mean squat and the whole thing was a sham. Once again..what a shocker.)

- Later that month, yours truly became the target of a local radio host, as the ranted and raved on air for 10 minutes about the difference between true national powers and flash-in-the-pan programs. Granted, it wasn’t anything earth shattering..considering I argue the same things with you idiots every day for year after year. However, most of you don’t co-host the 2nd most popular radio show in town either. Hilarity lasted only a little while, as my invitation to argue the matter on-air was kindly never acknowledged.

- The desperate measures of Husker fan continued as 53,000 strong turned out for the most anti-climactic event ever performed in public...aka the Husker Spring Game. Not since the Jackson Family’s Victory tour in 1985 has so much hype followed something so patheticly anti-climactic. Gone were the triple reverses and 80 yard bombs. Here to stay were 3 yard dives and a rookie coach’s playbook so thin, it could fit on a CD jewel case. Good thing that whole thing was free because…oh wait. Well, I’m sure it was nice to be outside for a few hours at the very least. Look at it this way…at least you didn’t lose. Well, 1/2 of you didn't.

- Spring also saw the beginning of the fight for Rosenblatt Stadium. Apparently the next time you want to push some merchandise at your neighborhood garage sale, don’t have Kevin Costner do a commercial for you. Apparently even Crash Davis is no match for the NCAA and MECA when chasing after our tax dollars. At least it was fun to watch for a little while, as we can all look forward to a sparkling new jewel sitting on the river in time for the 2012 series. (As it sits empty for 50 weeks a year).

- March saw more and more angry message boards linking to this particular blog. I always find it funny when I get accused of being a hermit who wears a tin foil hat etc etc. All the while, the guy making the accusations has 85,000 posts on BigHuskerNerd.com and goes by the handle “BigRedJizRocket94”. A quick note to you idiots on Husker message board who get all bent out of shape by the things I say: It’s one opinion. Nobody is going to break into your house and take your 71 Orange Bowl collectors edition coffee mug. I’m simply calling you out for what you are, nothing more. Relax a little. Go outside. Kiss a girl. Do something.

- March also return to the police blotter in fine Nebraska fashion. Husker Andy Christensen was arrested in early March for allegedly reaching under the skirt of a coed at the Brass Rail in Lincoln. Apparently this is against some sort of law in Lincoln, and Mr. Christensen was asked to step outside to chat with Lincoln police. Seven officers and a large brawl later, Andy said, “OK sure.” Ironically, that stern dictator of discipline Bo Pelini has not permanently kicked Christensen off the team…who I believe goes to trial later this month. (Just in time for high profile College Football Live headlines on ESPN!) I’m never one to joke about sexual assault, because dude most likely has some issues at the very least…but I do find it ironic that he is technically still on the team, while Kevin Dixon was booted immediately after having a bit of pot in his car. None of this is as big of a mystery compared to the question that nobody is asking..which is…who in the hell dropped 50 g’s on Andy Christensen’s bail? Hmmm…I’m sure it was a kind soul who was only worried about his well being.

- March Madness hit Omaha in late March, as yours truly arrived without paying a dime. Yes, I got to throw a middle finger in the face of Athletic Director Bruce Rassmussen and the Creighton scum who purchased tickets exclusively for their family’s enjoyment and the certainty of memories that will last a lifetime. Oh wait…no, they sold them for 600 bucks each to KU idiots, as the rest of the city that actually paid tax money toward the arena sat at home and watched on TV. In case I haven’t mentioned it lately…Go to hell Bruce. You are a true dickhead.

- Absolutely nothing interesting happened in late April, other than the fact that I got to watch Jewel’s fantastic breasts from about 15 feet away for two hours. Yes, that Jewel, and I don’t care what you say..it was worth every single penny. Have you seen them? I think she sings too.

- Also in April, Kansas University proved that if you stick around long enough (while dodging NCAA probation probes) you can find yourself on the OPPOSITE end of a complete March Madness Meltdown. KU waltzed off the court in San Antonio with a National Title to go with their whopping ONE other one in 50+ years…not that it mattered, since most KU are so obsessed with Missouri, most of them didn’t even notice.

- As spring turned to summer, the love affair with Joe Ganz grew stronger. From the ashes of a career backup, somehow three mop-up games in late November equated to a “great college career.” Ganz enters the 2008 season with more expectations than Metallica’s Death Magnetic album, as many Husker fans barely remember he was beaten out of a job by a Pac-10 Castoff with 4 career wins this time last season.

- In May, the Omaha World Herald further revealed that low test scores and an abundance of farm chemicals in the water can equate to idiotic answers to poll questions. In a World Herald survey, a whopping 78% of respondents said they expected Nebraska to win the Big 12 North in 2008. In a related story, the same poll revealed that 85% of OWH readers thought the Easter Bunny was real, 91% felt Ben Aflack was screwed out of an Academy Award in 2007 and a whopping 95% had recently come out of an alcohol educed coma that lasted from early October through the previous week. (+/- 5% for error)

- Not crazy enough for ya? June saw the return of those 85%...apparently flocking to the video store to purchase one of the most whack ass items ever to be available for sale in the history of western capitalism. Apparently somebody deep in the bowels of the NU athletic department got the brilliant ideas of FILMING press conferences and banquets featuring Bo Pelini and the merry band of castoffs, has beens and tattoo artists that make up his staff. I consider myself a fairly big fan of my team, and God knows I’ve spent lots of money over the years going to games..buying sweatshirts etc. But the day I buy a fucking DVD of a PRESS CONFERENCE, is the day I stick the barrel right up against my temple and pull the trigger. Banquet footage?!?! Are you serious? I’m still amazed at you people from time to time.

- The Dog Days of summer destroyed my will to continue my Husker jihad. Thanks to some vacation days and the fact that you now root for a team that will struggle with Baylor, I took some well needed rest. Nothing exciting to add here, other than the fact that you need a reminder that you’re so pathetic this season, I can barely find the time to rip on you.

- During my hiatus and dressed in a white choir boy robe, Jason Peter hit the interview circuit for his new book depicting his life and the drug-endured spiral that nearly led to his downfall. I’m not really at all concerned that Jason Peter loved blow…lots of people have drug problems and lots of people kick those problems. (Lots of people don’t.) I don’t really care about his NFL exploits, because the NFL is FULL of bad seeds like Jason Peter. No, what I’m interested in is how he managed to leave a shred of blame on Tom Osborne for recruiting him and whacked out street thugs like him in the first place. Despite the shroud of decency that surrounds Tom Osborne, I’m still dumbfounded by the inability of ANYBODY to take this man to task for being a complete and total hypocrite. Why I was expecting this book to be different…I’m not sure. Silly me.

- Finally last month, an over zealous Husker fan with a stupid moniker and an extremely high IQ decided to have some fun with OU fans on the internet. Yet instead of doing one of those silly yet unoriginal “look alike” picture montage threads, ol’ Darth Husker decided to mock up a major news outlet and slander two student athletes for being cocaine distributors. ABSOLUTE HILARITY resulted, as well as several lawsuits by the newspaper, OU and the athletes themselves. Oh well, you know what they say: If you can’t beat em….make up stories about them and wait for their attorney to call.

So there you have it…you’re completely up to date with the entire off-season. We’re down to the final two weeks of the off season, and yes..the ever-popular 4th annual Open Letter to Husker fan is right around the corner. I hope you’re as ready for the season as I am to make fun of every single idiotic thing that comes out of your mouths.

The countdown continues….

(Photo credit of ol' Darth - Lincoln Journal Star)

(Photo credit of Jewel's fantastic breasts - Me)