Adios Cozumel

Ahhhhhh...to be back. Man, I’m so relaxed from vacation, the countless cries of “guess who’s gonna be 8-4 baby!” seemingly bounce off of my sunburned back.

Yes, vacation was awesome. We were lucky enough to have celebrated a friend’s wedding in Cozumel while drinking, eating and diving in 85 degree weather for the past 9 days. One quick thing about diving; being a lifelong Midwesterner, I am not exactly in my element floating 60 feet under the water with a tank strapped to my back. But when a 5 foot shark comes cruising by, and I realize there is nowhere to run or no way to escape an attack…you tend to put silly things like college football into perspective.

Regardless, I had a great time working on my dive certification as well as packing on the pounds made up of a week’s worth of Corona and steak tacos. I’m not going to lie to you…I didn’t catch any of your games…or any games for that matter. But regardless, I’ve gone through the stats, seen the highlights and managed to ball up enough hate and disdain to spit back in your face when all 2 million of you try and sell me on this whole “we’re back” horseshit.

Now let’s face it…you know deep down that the odds of me giving you props on beating up on four teams who’s record is a combined 16-28 is about the same as the corpse of Jacque Custo jumping out of my ass and declaring my driveway a coral reef. But alas, I see where you idiots are coming from.

To understand the blind delusions that have crept back into your heads over the past few weeks is to true appreciate just how bad you were last season. However, when analyzed rationally, is it as much about your improvement as it is the complete collapse of those around you for whom you compete against? If KSU, Colorado and Kansas weren’t such complete disasters this season, would you really truly be that thrilled by how you’ve somehow managed to somehow win 7 games? Funny thing about all that is…as bad as KSU, CU and KU are…just comprehend that ISU is worse than all three of them. (Barely).

Either way, you have earned the right to be giddy about landing a date with the hottest girl at lumberjack camp. Somehow, through the benefit of the chaos around you, and your innate ability to schedule 8 home games and losing just about every single game you were remotely challenged in…you have somehow found yourself at the brink of minimal respectability.

Bravo corn people. Bravo.

But if you smell less than the other steaming piles of humanity at the bottom of the conference outhouse, where does it lead you for the future? With the exception of Roy Helu, King Bo is slaying the windmills dressed as dragons with players thrown into the fray last season by the very guy you hate more than even me. In other words…every single big impact player you have was utilized by and large by the previous administration. (For examples of this, see Willingham, Ty and University of Washington).

How will fortress corn hold up without Air Ganz next season? How stocked with the cupboards be when fake tattoos and hand written notes start to lose their luster with dolts wearing under armor in high schools across the country? Have any of you realized that your starting QB for next year…whomever that may be…has taken eight or less snaps at the MOST this season? With all those redshirts, wont’ you be getting significantly younger in the year or two to come?

Truth be told, despite your ability to constantly be crowned Special Olympics champion….none of it really matters to me anymore. You have still yet to beat a top 20 team in the past 7 seasons. You have yet to beat a top 20 team in a true road game since 1997. Hell, the one time you had a chance to beat the best team in the division this season…at home (where you had won 15 straight)….you lost by five touchdowns. (A team that many of you have crowed would finish 5th in the South by the way).

But truth be told, is it a decent first step for the reign of King Bo? Sure I guess. Players didn’t lay down like a French infantryman at the first sign of adversity as they did last season. There weren’t any 38-0 halftime deficits this year…at least against those teams that weren’t head and shoulders above you. So in a way, that whole “trying harder” thing must have worked out well for you this year. Again, kudos.

However, through the confetti and celebratory gunfire that blankets the state this week, it doesn’t take a long look in the history book to notice that 8 wins wouldn’t exactly have been considered a “step forward” back in the old days under T.O and the authority of Red communism. In fact, in many cases as it was in the late 80’s….8 wins would have gotten Dr. Tom ridden out of town on a rail. (And don’t kid yourself…should you find yourself in Jacksonville or El Paso, you will be ceremonially crushed as I’m fairly certain you will not be able to play KSU, Kansas, Iowa State or Colorado in your bowl game. )

But in the end, becoming one of the 60% or so teams that plays in the post-season is a worthy goal…even for a decrepit former champion, who’s expectations have now been lowered to match those of such powers as Cincinnati, Western Michigan and South Florida. You got what you wanted. You picked yourself up out of the shit…wiped yourself off, and now can throw your fists skyward in victory; all the while completely oblivious that you are still in fact…covered in shit.

Don't get too excited however; despite a Husker resurrection worthy of Jesus himself, this blog will continue to slowly drift toward extinction in the coming weeks, because not all that much has changed. My team has gone 10-0 in the past 2 seasons vs. the Big 12 North…and regardless of the pathetic degrees of your recent “triumphs”, I…unlike you…am able to put things into perspective. The fire of hatred is not relit…nor is your recent level of arrogance able to shake me barely enough to get the strength to roll my eyes. Your program…your reputation…and yes you as a fan…are still LIGHT years away from what you once were. Because of this fact…despite how sunny the skies may look today…you are just as irrelevant to me now as you have been the past couple of years.

My two weeks in the sun these past few weeks have re-energized me, revitalized me and rekindled my ability to take on the toils of day-to-day life in the cold and windy Midwest. But what it didn’t do, was make me…nor anybody else for that matter…recognize you from what you once were. The stain is too deep, the disfigurement too great.

Congratulations again on your amazing achievements so far this season. You still have a lot of steps on the mountain of relevance left to go for me to really care.

AJ

PS - This is the 600th column here at Behind Enemy Lines. Please feel free to celebrate such a milestone as you see fit.