November 17, 2008

Adios Cozumel be back. Man, I’m so relaxed from vacation, the countless cries of “guess who’s gonna be 8-4 baby!” seemingly bounce off of my sunburned back.

Yes, vacation was awesome. We were lucky enough to have celebrated a friend’s wedding in Cozumel while drinking, eating and diving in 85 degree weather for the past 9 days. One quick thing about diving; being a lifelong Midwesterner, I am not exactly in my element floating 60 feet under the water with a tank strapped to my back. But when a 5 foot shark comes cruising by, and I realize there is nowhere to run or no way to escape an attack…you tend to put silly things like college football into perspective.

Regardless, I had a great time working on my dive certification as well as packing on the pounds made up of a week’s worth of Corona and steak tacos. I’m not going to lie to you…I didn’t catch any of your games…or any games for that matter. But regardless, I’ve gone through the stats, seen the highlights and managed to ball up enough hate and disdain to spit back in your face when all 2 million of you try and sell me on this whole “we’re back” horseshit.

Now let’s face it…you know deep down that the odds of me giving you props on beating up on four teams who’s record is a combined 16-28 is about the same as the corpse of Jacque Custo jumping out of my ass and declaring my driveway a coral reef. But alas, I see where you idiots are coming from.

To understand the blind delusions that have crept back into your heads over the past few weeks is to true appreciate just how bad you were last season. However, when analyzed rationally, is it as much about your improvement as it is the complete collapse of those around you for whom you compete against? If KSU, Colorado and Kansas weren’t such complete disasters this season, would you really truly be that thrilled by how you’ve somehow managed to somehow win 7 games? Funny thing about all that is…as bad as KSU, CU and KU are…just comprehend that ISU is worse than all three of them. (Barely).

Either way, you have earned the right to be giddy about landing a date with the hottest girl at lumberjack camp. Somehow, through the benefit of the chaos around you, and your innate ability to schedule 8 home games and losing just about every single game you were remotely challenged in…you have somehow found yourself at the brink of minimal respectability.

Bravo corn people. Bravo.

But if you smell less than the other steaming piles of humanity at the bottom of the conference outhouse, where does it lead you for the future? With the exception of Roy Helu, King Bo is slaying the windmills dressed as dragons with players thrown into the fray last season by the very guy you hate more than even me. In other words…every single big impact player you have was utilized by and large by the previous administration. (For examples of this, see Willingham, Ty and University of Washington).

How will fortress corn hold up without Air Ganz next season? How stocked with the cupboards be when fake tattoos and hand written notes start to lose their luster with dolts wearing under armor in high schools across the country? Have any of you realized that your starting QB for next year…whomever that may be…has taken eight or less snaps at the MOST this season? With all those redshirts, wont’ you be getting significantly younger in the year or two to come?

Truth be told, despite your ability to constantly be crowned Special Olympics champion….none of it really matters to me anymore. You have still yet to beat a top 20 team in the past 7 seasons. You have yet to beat a top 20 team in a true road game since 1997. Hell, the one time you had a chance to beat the best team in the division this season…at home (where you had won 15 straight)….you lost by five touchdowns. (A team that many of you have crowed would finish 5th in the South by the way).

But truth be told, is it a decent first step for the reign of King Bo? Sure I guess. Players didn’t lay down like a French infantryman at the first sign of adversity as they did last season. There weren’t any 38-0 halftime deficits this year…at least against those teams that weren’t head and shoulders above you. So in a way, that whole “trying harder” thing must have worked out well for you this year. Again, kudos.

However, through the confetti and celebratory gunfire that blankets the state this week, it doesn’t take a long look in the history book to notice that 8 wins wouldn’t exactly have been considered a “step forward” back in the old days under T.O and the authority of Red communism. In fact, in many cases as it was in the late 80’s….8 wins would have gotten Dr. Tom ridden out of town on a rail. (And don’t kid yourself…should you find yourself in Jacksonville or El Paso, you will be ceremonially crushed as I’m fairly certain you will not be able to play KSU, Kansas, Iowa State or Colorado in your bowl game. )

But in the end, becoming one of the 60% or so teams that plays in the post-season is a worthy goal…even for a decrepit former champion, who’s expectations have now been lowered to match those of such powers as Cincinnati, Western Michigan and South Florida. You got what you wanted. You picked yourself up out of the shit…wiped yourself off, and now can throw your fists skyward in victory; all the while completely oblivious that you are still in fact…covered in shit.

Don't get too excited however; despite a Husker resurrection worthy of Jesus himself, this blog will continue to slowly drift toward extinction in the coming weeks, because not all that much has changed. My team has gone 10-0 in the past 2 seasons vs. the Big 12 North…and regardless of the pathetic degrees of your recent “triumphs”, I…unlike you…am able to put things into perspective. The fire of hatred is not relit…nor is your recent level of arrogance able to shake me barely enough to get the strength to roll my eyes. Your program…your reputation…and yes you as a fan…are still LIGHT years away from what you once were. Because of this fact…despite how sunny the skies may look today…you are just as irrelevant to me now as you have been the past couple of years.

My two weeks in the sun these past few weeks have re-energized me, revitalized me and rekindled my ability to take on the toils of day-to-day life in the cold and windy Midwest. But what it didn’t do, was make me…nor anybody else for that matter…recognize you from what you once were. The stain is too deep, the disfigurement too great.

Congratulations again on your amazing achievements so far this season. You still have a lot of steps on the mountain of relevance left to go for me to really care.


PS - This is the 600th column here at Behind Enemy Lines. Please feel free to celebrate such a milestone as you see fit.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't wait to see your new Big XII power rankings..

North - 1) Missouri 2) Nebraska

Funny how quickly that happened. Watch us and wave as we pass right by you next year on the way back to the top of the North. Enjoy it while it lasts because your short little run is just about over.
KState and KU fan? What can I say? You've been exposed as the frauds we always knew you were.


2:12 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Bump said...

90% of your points against Nebraska apply to Missouri as well. They both are losing lots at skill positions. How many snaps did Gabbert take? They both play the same crappy North schedule, they both went 1-2 against the south, they both could finish up with 4 losses this year, on and on and on.

Other than that, nice post!!

3:46 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

All bets are off re: Mizzou next year. However, I'm not completely sure Gabbert will even start next season. Dalton has been tearing up Missouri's biggest high school division and is allegedly a Chase Daniel clone in terms of scrappy and undersized.

Regardless, I think Mizzou-NU will run 1-2 next season, with the nod going to Mizzou due to more depth at receiver and in the secondary. (I'd also take Washington and Moore over Helu and Castille anyday) Nebraska has a ton of question marks with redshirts. (Also, the game is in Columbia next year...a place you haven't won since Clinton was barely in office...and history is everything right?)

KU will have some returning players, but there are lots of rumblings about Mangino's program starting to come apart with finger pointing and the like. (Plus, other than reesing...who is going to make plays for them?)

KSU is a disaster. Colorado can't decide what to do and ISU will be better only because they couldn't be worse.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Damien said...

I watched Dalton play Rockhurst this season on ESPN, and he looked absolutely pathetic. I'll take Cody Green over Dalton any day of the week.

4:10 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'll have to refer to some of my Mizzou brothers...but I'm pretty sure Dalton led a team of nobody's through the playoffs and a 9-2 record.

As for Cody Green...I'm still waiting for Harrison Beck's Heisman presentation. In other words...I'm not going to believe a word you say on a kid until about 6 games into his freshman year.

You've lost all credibility there. Not that I look deep into recruiting...just saying Gabbert doesn't have the Missouri QB job wrapped up for next year. (There is a kid from Arkansas in the mix too...forget his name)

4:31 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - Blue Springs just beat Rockhurst 14-9 in the state quarterfinals.


4:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What will we do when AirGanz leaves? I can't believe how stupid all of the Nebraska fans were to think he would be any good after only playing in four games last year. That guy sucks. And the defense? We must have been on drugs to think our D would be better this year. Pelini is obviously a hot head who has zero head-coaching experience, who cares if he has been coaching the best D in the SEC the last 3 years. And 8-4? Wow. NE fans were on fantasy island to think they had more talent than KU, CU, KSU, and ISU.

Guess I'll just take your word for it from now on AJ. I know, we aren't what we were and may never be again but fuck it. We play like we give a shit and atleast I haven't heard the phrase "I'm doing an excellent coaching job in all phases" this year.

You are right about next year. We will be worse and the North as a whole will be much worse. More reasons for the south teams to push for an east/west split instead.

internet tough guy

4:49 PM  
Blogger Damien said...

I don't recall saying Cody Green will win the Heisman or that he will play next year. I said I would take Cody Green over Dalton based on measurables and what I have seen of them both. Nor am I on the record anywhere about Beck.

But regardless, I live in the great city of KC, MO and wish any Missouri kid, especially a local guy all the luck the world. Just going by what I have seen, could have been a terrible game.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A.J. -- I'm a huge fan of your blog. Since you're winding down, could you give us Buffies an honary hate week?

You're correct that we don't seem to know what we're doing. One thing we do know? We hate the fuskers and I'll be shocked if we lay down to them in stinkin'.

Hear that KU?

KU -- WTF? How could you possibly lose that game? Mizzou sacked up and kicked them in the nuts like they deserved. You show up and drop the soap in the shower. Pathetic.

Buffalo Phil -- A huge fan of the Big XI.

p.s. Our program is the third youngest in division one and we are riddled with injuries. Hawk is going to have to start delivering but I would think we'll be much better next year.

6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

600? I'll pour out some of my Bud for you.

And when the hell did JP come back?

6:35 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Damn, you guys are scaring me. Decent points all around...including the return of JP and the internet tough guy. (And both made 1/2 decent statements as

Phil, I wish Colorado all the luck in the world. I like Dan Hawkins and think he can do a heck of a job, but I'm hoping it's not just too hard to recruit to an area such as Boulder that has to compete with so many other things.

Regardless, the point made later is correct..the North will be even worse next year. That's not good folks, no matter who you root for.

7:08 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

"One thing we do know? We hate the fuskers and I'll be shocked if we lay down to them in stinkin'. "

he said, slowly stepping barefoot into the puddle of water as the copper wires wrapped around his wrists are carefully attached to the car battery..

8:28 PM  
Anonymous SDHusker said...

AJ I am glad you didn't get eaten by the shark, but lets be honest here you were safe because sharks are not shit eaters bud. Now if you would have been diving in the muddy Mo you may have been killed by a small Carp, they love to eat bottom feeding shit like you.

As far as your team goes, the 2 year run won't be a 3 year run and you know it. You can see that King Bo has the Big Red back on track and very soon all of the Norther minions will be bowing down as they did in the past.

As far as the South goes, all of you dumb bastards let this happen! None of us can compete with those guys when it comes to recruiting and you let Texas take over! Stupid Mother Fuckers are getting your now. We may not be doing any better but at least we knew we were fucked if they were allowed in, that comes from wisdom which is a commodity all of you ass wipes are missing.

Missouri, you inbred bastards are on the ropes and you know it! Congrats on the North championship and enjoy the beat down in the B12 championship! AJ, if MU wins the B-12 Championship I will kiss your ass in the middle of Dodge Street and give you 1/2 an hour to draw a crowd. But that will never happen!

Kansas, you kept it close! Kudos for getting back to where you belong you one hit wonders! At least Missouri backed up last year with a good season this year.

Colorado, Hawkins sucks and so does your entire program. You guys can't keep the top talent home let alone bring any in.

KSU, LOL! What a fucking joke you people are. Freeman has to be sick that he went with the coach formerly know and Prince instead of Nebraska. But he would have been on the bench all season not just the second half here. What a puss!

Iowa State, your pathetic and it isn't getting any better soon. Maybe you need to look at a lower division?

AJ when you shut this shit house down I hope you find another good hobby, you may be a cocksucker and a prick but you sure can sling some fine smack! Job well done shithead!

8:31 PM  
Anonymous SDHusker said...

Here is another one for you KSU ass bags! Your paper can't even spell!

8:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"(Also, the game is in Columbia next year...a place you haven't won since Clinton was barely in office...and history is everything right?"

Interestingly enough a new democrat will barely be in office....

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


"One thing we do know? We hate the fuskers and I'll be shocked if we lay down to them in stinkin'. "

he said, slowly stepping barefoot into the puddle of water as the copper wires wrapped around his wrists are carefully attached to the car battery..

Uh... genius, 12v dc won't hurt you, wet or dry, around your wrist or your tiny dick.

But attach those wires up to 120v ac....

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A note to Nebraska and Mizzou fans next year, since you'll both be breking in new QBs, possibly both Freshman...

Have fun.

That is what Colorado has been struglling through for (effectively) 3 years now, inexperience at the QB position. It is no Swiss Family Picnic, I assure you.

CU may be underdogs in a few weeks at Lincoln, but don't underestimate us. You will not put up pinball numbers. The game will be tight. CU can't make a kick and doesn't have talent at the QB position, and it will likely come down to that.


1:22 PM  
Anonymous saunders45 said...

It was Bush Jr. not Clinton... Clinton was inaugurated in '93, and Dubya was inaugurated in 2001.

2:04 PM  
Blogger colo4nu said...


You said "I wish Colorado all the luck in the world. I like Dan Hawkins and think he can do a heck of a job, but I'm hoping it's not just too hard to recruit to an area such as Boulder that has to compete with so many other things"
With so many other things to do in Co, wouldn't that be plus?
Also, PLEASE have a CU/NU hate week. Aren't those Buff fans great? Shining a laser pointer into the quarterbacks eyes before the snap is classy. He must have been one of CU's famous engineering students conducting an experiment. Probably got an A.
The Buffs are pathetic this year. They are NOT going beat NU at home. They have as much of a chance of beating Nebraska as Missouri does of winning the Big 12 championship game. Ain't gonna happen

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's surprising that the NU people still seem bitter about Freeman choosing KSU over them. I'd be thrilled if I was an NU fan that he didn't come, he's TERRIBLE. He kills them. I'd root for my opponent to be stuck with someone like that: skilled enough not to get benched, but kills them most games. Someone with raw skills like that would be on the field for NU and would be holding them back. It would make NU fun to watch though, because there would always be a chance that Bo would try to kill him in the middle of one of his terrible games.

Mizzou will have growing pains next year, but the schedule is still soft, and the rest of the Big 12 North will still be terrible. KSU and ISU should still be awful. Opening with Illinois will be bad for us (we're finally going to be the young team playing its first game against a tested team, instead of Illinois in that role), but what games look really bad for Mizzou? Texas, @ OSU, Illinois, possibly @CU? If Gabbert or Dalton are decent, they could go 8-4. Mizzou will be filling a ton of spots, but it's not like they're playing all of OU, UT, and TT next year.

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Me happy!

Doe Husters!!!!!!! Doe Bid Red!!!!!!

3:28 PM  
Blogger Damien said...

"CU can't make a kick and doesn't have talent at the QB position"

Yep usually those factor into a close game. NU is going to punish you worse than what we did to KSU. Keep thinking it will be close.

5:03 PM  
Anonymous SDHusker said...

"CU can't make a kick and doesn't have talent at the QB position"

The only thing that will be close is the locker room where your boys will crawl to after the Blackshirts slap the piss out of them.

And hold off on the you got your ass handed to you crap, WE KNOW! But you dumb ass pricks are not OU or MU and you know it!

And what was that low life move with the laser last week! Talk about low class, you mother fuckers never stop amazing me at just how low you can go!

So go suck some Buffalo nuts and prepare for a royal ass kicking after turkey day sCUm fans!

Where you at AJ! These fucksticks are no challenge!

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Big Red has scheduled another powerhouse 2009 OOC schedule with three games against the mighty Sun Belt Conference. Is it too late to back out of their series with Va Tech and schedule Middle Tennessee to run the table?

7:37 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

Uh... genius, 12v dc won't hurt you, wet or dry, around your wrist or your tiny dick.

But attach those wires up to 120v ac....

Company supplied laptop.... Free
Company supplied DSL....... Free
Dropping comments on BEH... Free
Watching some asshole try to publicly correct you and being dead out of his ass wrong for the whole world to see... Priceless

First of all, who said anything about "hurting". The OP said he'd be "shocked", thus my response.

Second of all, it's the amperage you need to worry about, not the voltage.

Thirdly, I guarantee that if we hook up one end of some 10 gauge copper wire to your needle dick and the other end to a car battery and turn it over, you will know it, standing barefoot in a puddle of water or not.


Wiley Coyote... Genius

7:55 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

Good to see CU fan in the news again...

Read me

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the amount of things to do can be a good or bad thing. If you have a beach, mountain or warm climate, you automatically have an advantage in recruiting, but you need to have a heck of a coach to keep the guys from getting distracted. L.A. found that with Pete Carroll, Arizona State might have found it with Dennis Erickson (he is showing improvement year after year) and Miami doesn't have a coach right now, so it's completely lost. Hawkins is still young and who knows, but I wish him and Colorado the best, if only to have a stronger Big 12 North. Hopefully he has some great recruits on the way and can get them to focus on the games and not the ski slopes.

-James "Go Buffs"

10:38 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm proud of all of you for sending this blog into the sunset with a nice old-fashioned late 80's style NU-CU hatefest.

Please keep it coming. (And CU fans...suck it up and don't put up with their shit. You put 60 up on them last year...don't let their arrogance fool you in believing they are that much better)

9:10 AM  
Blogger Damien said...

I'll bet you money we are 3 touchdowns better come next Friday.

9:43 AM  
Blogger thirdfuerst said...


Okay. I was redirected here by a friend who keeps tabs on you, and I admit, I must stop by here more often. While I once pitied you, now I only find you hysterical.

You have an entire blog dedicated to a team which you have just called "irrelevant." Your hatred for all things Red surpasses your ability to revel in your own team's recent unprecedented (albeit mediocre) successes.

You didn't publish my first comment, so I noted, so I doubt you will this one. And how could you? Once someone points out your hypocrisy - that if Husker fans ignore your poorly written blog, they're apathetic; yet if they respond to you, they're blind - you don't have a leg to stand on.

But what I love about you most, as you shamelessly leave in uncorrected spelling and grammatical errors, (the irony of this after my run-on sentence above is intentional and duly noted) is that you make Nebraskans look so much smarter...

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, you're going to shut down the blog just as the Tigers greatest run in team history will be coming to an end. Don't run, stand up and be strong. They'll be back someday. Maybe. Go Jayhawks!!

1:29 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Jesus Christ third...just when I thought I could get through the end of this blog without some douchebag come scrambling in here running..."you are what you hate", "why don't you move" and grammar smack.

Where the fuck were you 4-5 years ago when I actually cared? What's next, are you going to ask me my take on Hinkley's attempt on Reagan's life?

And by the way...I publish 99.999% of everything. You sir or madam are a fucking liar. I publish almost ALL of it, just to prove what a hayseed idiot you and your brethern are.

Now be gone and see if you can crank that 56k dialup on somethine more usefull like AOL or perhaps a BBS.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love how this dude shows up two months before AJ shuts it down to talk smack like he's the first person to ever run the same smack ... and then has the balls to act like he's some genius to inventing the phrase: "You have an entire blog dedicated to a team which you have just called 'irrelevant'"

Man, AJ doesn't care about grammar, hypocrisy or even his own team. He just hates Nebraska. Hate doesn't always have to make sense. That's what so beautiful about hate.

2:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy to see bornred has some new material to work with. Those eight, ten year old articles he usually posts were getting pretty stale, although I guess they play well in Hicklandia where seven year vintage is cutting edge...along with 14 year old VHS tapes.

Props to him!

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Are you really trying to argue with someone about how best to shock someone's needledick?

Dude, you're a total jackass.

O.K. fuskers, your godforsaken hellhole of a stadium can be a tough place to play -- say for team like ku who doesn't get it.

CU is not KU.

Nice job with redneck manhattan by the way -- 40% endzone seating. You guys didn't even get the concrete to match. Before you start, let me predict the automatic fusker response to my stadium smack -- You will brag about you sellouts and your 80k stadium. We can't sell out our 55k blah, blah, blah!

I have news -- you've got nothing else, you better damn well sell it out. The 80k stadium? Uhhhhh, I know in your overall-clad bubble that it seems like a real palace but a lot of people have big stadiums (with about 70% sideline to sidline seating no less). No one is impressed with that shithole but you.

But I digress . . .

The Buffs get it and will bring it. We hate your stupid team and everything about it.

As A.J. so aptly said -- which of CU's losses would you have won? Our teams are much more evenly matched than you want to admit and it's nudging you a litte bit right there in the back of your brain.

What happens if you lose to us?

Boom! Payback tour stalled, Ganz Gone, and you'll have a date in Boulder with us to look forward to in 2009.

You love that place remember? Home of the Urine Bomb? The place where fusker children go to cry?

Buffalo Phil -- A huge fan of the Big XI!

p.s. fuck knebraska

p.p.s. aj, it is my fervent hope that you completely bitchslap ku in K.C. And let's not be too pessimistic here -- you've got a good shot at either OK or UT. Mizzou is tough and they'll be playing a home game -- fuck the Big XII south (unless they're playing knebraska of course).

3:40 PM  
Blogger Damien said...

One of my favorite things about this blog is other big 12 teams fans that have to come here to get validated by AJ. You must feel pretty special AJ.

3:09 PM  
Blogger daddyact said...

Hey, Phil? Your boys are gonna get it and bring it? Like they did two years ago?

In fact, there are only a couple of kids on your team that have even played in Lincoln.

But I suppose they get it ans will bring it as well as all the other teams that have beaten NU in Lincoln since 1968 - BOTH OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You idiot.

6:22 PM  

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