The Grinch

Sweet Holy Jesus do I hate Halloween. I don't mean it's annoying, I mean it's right up there with hangnails, people ordering for their entire office in front of me in line at Subway, High School Musical 3 and the Husker Spring game.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really like chocolate? Or maybe it’s because I think dressing up as R2D2 is stupid…when you’re 30. Or maybe the idea of mass organized youth begging simply doesn’t appeal to me? Or maybe I’m just an A-hole?

Regardless, since this blog will be dormant next Halloween, here are some tips for you and yours to stay on the good side of Black and Orange grinches such as myself. Consider this a public service message in advance, since it's already too late this year:

- If you’re over 14, don’t even try it. Keep your pillow cases and backpacks at home. Take your lame charcoal-drawn mustache and your JV football jersey and get the hell off my front steps. I don’t want to deal with you. You don’t want to deal with me. And pretty soon..if you aren’t already, you are going to be the little bastards who keep blasting your music at 3:30am coming down the street. (And while you’re at it…why don’t you take a look around and realize you’re a 16 year old white kid from suburban Omaha when you throttle the sound barrier with your N.W.A thumping at full blast next time. )

- Is it too much to ask to stay off the Godamn grass? Is it that hard to see the big concrete sidewalks that surround the neighborhood? They’re not that hard to spot, and they’re real easy to mow. They're even grooved so you won't slip.

- Don’t strike up a conversation with me. I’m only handing out candy, because if I don’t..it’s a perfectly good reason for your little thugs to destroy something in my yard. I’m not in the mood for it, so I”ll take the short-term pain of listening to you bitch about your bad hip…rather than deal with your punk-ass kids at 4am in a few Saturdays. Stop by. Take your candy. Say Thank you. Move on.

- That barbed wire fencing is there for a reason. Don’t try to climb over it. If you lost your hat or something on the other side…tough shit.

- LEAVE the Husker shit at home. I don’t care if you are the cutest little 2 year old girl on the planet, with a lisp and pigtails…if you’re dressed as a Husker cheerleader, you’re getting either a smashed up Tootsie Roll, or that nasty white. End of story.

- I don’t play scary music and sit out on my porch because it’s lame and I don’t have that kind of time. If you want that kind of excitement, go to Mystery Manor downtown and let them chase you around with a chainsaw. I’m over it.

- I will give Halloween credit…at least it’s not as bad as the fourth of July, as I don’t have to worry about one of the small artillery rockets flying through the sky to land on my house..only to watch it go up in a giant inferno.

Happy November.