War Eagle - A Welcome to my new Auburn Friends
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Hey crazy blog guy, how can you hate Nebraska? They're all so nice. They all wear red. They love their team. How can you possibly hate a classy national power like Nebraska?" Oh how quickly you will learn.
Yes, its true Nebraska fans love their team. There is no denying the ends of the earth they will go to to support their team, and show you just how much they love them. Yes, it's true Nebraska fan will dress in red, applaud both teams and wish your fans "good luck next season" after a hard fought game. Do not be fooled by these people. These people are everything that is wrong with college sports. An ego-driven group of nomads, stuck in the middle of nowhere, with a Nazi-like propaganda machine feeding into a culture of vomit-inducing niceness that will make you want to split your wrists in about three seconds.
Ever wonder what team Ned Flanders would root for? Wonder no more.
"That's ridiculous" you might be thinking. "I've spoken with these people online for the last couple of days. They seem very knowledgeable and intelligent." Oh really? Do me a favor next time you get in some message board banter with Husker fan this week. Tell him Mike McCloskey of Penn State was in bounds in 1982. See what they say. See how fast they pile on you if you mention that Michigan would have ass-pounded them into oblivion in 1994. Tell them Eddie George deserved the Heisman over Tommie Frazier in 1995. Tell them Tom Osborne loves little boys to sit on his lap. Tell them their helmets are butt-ass ugly, and you've never seen anything like them since those douchebags from Alabama took the field three weeks ago.
See how "great sports" they are then.
You see, Nebraska is one of the great frauds in American sports. Just like the realization you had when you were 9 that Cubs scouts really wasn't cool after all...you will at some point realize that these are the most annoying, most superficial, back-stabbing, hypocritical assholes you'll ever meet in your life.
Ever had a neighbor or friend from work who you thought was OK..only to find out later what a complete fucking tool he was? The guy who always has to tell you how great his HDTV is? Ever listen to him go on and on about the time he won $5,000 in the lottery on a ticket he found in the street in 1995? Ever listen to him go on and on about how hot his wife is? (Even if she's a run down, gray piece of shit on 10th street in a po-dunk, do nothing capital city that would bore Orville Redenbacher). Ever listen to him talk down to you day after day, explaining how great his job is...how fast his car is, and how every other guy in town wants to be him? Ever want to jack that guy in the mouth?
That "guy" is your new friend Husker fan. Despite his goody-two-shoes exterior, that little bastard isn't there to be your friend. He isn't there to "share a great bowl game" with you..because let's face it...the Cotton Bowl...albeit a nice January 1 showcase for your school...is really a BCS bridesmaid dress. (Not that there is anything wrong with that...just saying) Husker fan is not there to do any of that. He is there to show you how great he is, how smart he is, how knowledgeable he is. Nothing more.
I'm here, because I tell people like you the truth. I'm here, because absolutely NOBODY has the guts to live THIS long in this place, and tell you or the rest of America what these people are like.
Think of me as the Anne Frank of college football. (** LATE EDIT** Note the replies to this post that compare me to Michael Richards and accuse me of being an anti-semite. THIS is what you're dealing with)
Again, congratulations on a fine season. I have nothing but respect for the Auburn program, their fans and the SEC in general. I hope you have a great time, a great buildup to your game...and I hope you drop kick these fucking bastards right in the crotch of their overalls.
Trust me...you'll thank me later.