December 12, 2006

War Eagle - A Welcome to my new Auburn Friends


Looks like some folks down south have done what so many other opposing Nebraska fans have done....found my little corner of cyberspace. With that, a very special welcome to my new Auburn friends. You are about to do battle with the most ungenuine, ungrateful, myopic, self-indulgent bastards you will ever have the displeasure of sitting next to for three hours. Congratulations on a fine season this year, and a warm good luck in your match up with the hick people on January 1st.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Hey crazy blog guy, how can you hate Nebraska? They're all so nice. They all wear red. They love their team. How can you possibly hate a classy national power like Nebraska?" Oh how quickly you will learn.

Yes, its true Nebraska fans love their team. There is no denying the ends of the earth they will go to to support their team, and show you just how much they love them. Yes, it's true Nebraska fan will dress in red, applaud both teams and wish your fans "good luck next season" after a hard fought game. Do not be fooled by these people. These people are everything that is wrong with college sports. An ego-driven group of nomads, stuck in the middle of nowhere, with a Nazi-like propaganda machine feeding into a culture of vomit-inducing niceness that will make you want to split your wrists in about three seconds.

Ever wonder what team Ned Flanders would root for? Wonder no more.

"That's ridiculous" you might be thinking. "I've spoken with these people online for the last couple of days. They seem very knowledgeable and intelligent." Oh really? Do me a favor next time you get in some message board banter with Husker fan this week. Tell him Mike McCloskey of Penn State was in bounds in 1982. See what they say. See how fast they pile on you if you mention that Michigan would have ass-pounded them into oblivion in 1994. Tell them Eddie George deserved the Heisman over Tommie Frazier in 1995. Tell them Tom Osborne loves little boys to sit on his lap. Tell them their helmets are butt-ass ugly, and you've never seen anything like them since those douchebags from Alabama took the field three weeks ago.

See how "great sports" they are then.

You see, Nebraska is one of the great frauds in American sports. Just like the realization you had when you were 9 that Cubs scouts really wasn't cool after all...you will at some point realize that these are the most annoying, most superficial, back-stabbing, hypocritical assholes you'll ever meet in your life.

Ever had a neighbor or friend from work who you thought was OK..only to find out later what a complete fucking tool he was? The guy who always has to tell you how great his HDTV is? Ever listen to him go on and on about the time he won $5,000 in the lottery on a ticket he found in the street in 1995? Ever listen to him go on and on about how hot his wife is? (Even if she's a run down, gray piece of shit on 10th street in a po-dunk, do nothing capital city that would bore Orville Redenbacher). Ever listen to him talk down to you day after day, explaining how great his job is...how fast his car is, and how every other guy in town wants to be him? Ever want to jack that guy in the mouth?

That "guy" is your new friend Husker fan. Despite his goody-two-shoes exterior, that little bastard isn't there to be your friend. He isn't there to "share a great bowl game" with you..because let's face it...the Cotton Bowl...albeit a nice January 1 showcase for your school...is really a BCS bridesmaid dress. (Not that there is anything wrong with that...just saying) Husker fan is not there to do any of that. He is there to show you how great he is, how smart he is, how knowledgeable he is. Nothing more.

I'm here, because I tell people like you the truth. I'm here, because absolutely NOBODY has the guts to live THIS long in this place, and tell you or the rest of America what these people are like.

Think of me as the Anne Frank of college football. (** LATE EDIT** Note the replies to this post that compare me to Michael Richards and accuse me of being an anti-semite. THIS is what you're dealing with)

Again, congratulations on a fine season. I have nothing but respect for the Auburn program, their fans and the SEC in general. I hope you have a great time, a great buildup to your game...and I hope you drop kick these fucking bastards right in the crotch of their overalls.

Trust me...you'll thank me later.

Again...welcome.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Obsessed Husker Fan said...

You bore me. I dont even know why you write this anymore, its the same recycled baseless material, at least come up with something original. Thanks. I never have gotten mad or angry, I laughed. But lately its so mindnumbingly dull that I've even stopped laughing. Have a great night buddy.

9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to ignore the other crap about "back-stabbing", being supported by Ned Flanders, and correlation to 'that guy' from the office (although I would think that Flanders is a die-hard BYU or Boise State backer). What really floored me came near the end of the idiotic rant.

"Think of me as the Anne Frank of college football."

WOW. Until now I didn't think you could be so retarded. Yes, your right, your situation is exactly like that of a 13 year old girl hiding from people that want nothing more than to KILL her and all those like her. Your "diary" of your feelings and thoughts is mirrored by that of someone forced into hiding and scared for their very existence day by day. This isn't exactly in the Michael Richards insensitive category but close.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You either meant Penn State in 1994 or Michigan in 1997. "I'm just saying."

1:43 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

OHF - Don't read it then. Nobody is making you click on it. The football season is over. I've got a whole off-season to break down your shitty halfbacks, your shitty DB's, your shitty overrated QB coming in. What do you want? Give me some topics. I write about UNO..you bitch. I write about baseball...you bitch. What the fuck do you want?

Anonymous puss #1- Yes, I'm JUST LIKE Michael Richards. EXACTLY THE SAME. Next week is N-bombs...LOTS OF EM. Idiot. Your weak-ass attempt to stretch that comment into something it's not is lame..even for you people. There are websites out there..THOUSANDS of them that exploit children, promote neo-Nazi's etc etc down the line. And yet, ONE LINE of a metaphor is offensive to you. Fuck off. Don't read it.

Anonymous Puss #2 - No...1982. Penn State vs. Nebraska...1 vs. 3 (I think...or were they 2?) Anyway, I can find 10 people in my office who are still pissed about that.

You guys sure like to bitch when you're angry. Especially OHF...I expect more from you.

8:05 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - Tom Osborne liking little boys was WAY more offensive to me. I was going to remove the Anne Frank line...but fuck you. I'm not going to. Cry about something else.

And by the way...It's not so far out there. I get DOZENS of death threats a year...so in a way...your point is wrong.

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with ohf. I come here to be amused and maybe even laugh once or twice at my own expense, but when you start recycling old tired thoughts and start comparing yourself to someone who truly lived a hell on earth then I get disinterested.

Also, those exploitive/racist sites your talking about don't contain college football so I will not come across them and argue with its patrons. Your site, however, does so I'm just asking to keep it a little bit classy at least. And do you really feel treatened by these so called death treats? Those morons don't know who you are.

10:08 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

You doubt death threats? TRUST ME. I get them all the time. Hell, John Campbell (weather guy on Channel 7) gets them...and he writes a WEATHER BLOG. Get my point?

And yes, agree on the other offensive websites, but I don't think a WW2 reference is THAT offensive. But if you think it is...in your little world..I apologize.

Here's my question to you guys. What the fuck do you want? The football season is almost over. I can't write about UNO hockey..you bitch. I write about volleyball. you bitch. I write about Creighton..you bitch. I write about Husker basketball, you either don't care, or say "that's too easy"

Do you want me to spend the next 9 months talking about your offensive line?

I post ALMOST every day. I don't have to. I post because I have thoughts. I type them out. I post them. You read them. I didn't know there was some sort of process out there taht I had to follow.

So I'm asking you...what do you want? I stick with Husker football...I'm "stale". I go to other stuff, you say you don't care. What is it?

Don't ever say I don't make concessions...even though your whole "racist" card is a complete joke and lame, even for you people.

PS - I would take your requests way more seriously if Hickey would just identify himeself and not make me go back and look at IP's. Stop being suck girls. This volleyball tournament has sucked the testosterone right out of this place.

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wrote: "See how fast they pile on you if you mention that Michigan would have ass-pounded them into oblivion in 1994." However, 1994 was the year that both Nebraska and Penn State finished undefeated and 1-2 in the polls, but because of the old conference bowl tie-ins, Nebraska went to the Orange Bowl to face Miami (and win the National Championship) while Penn State went to the Rose to play Oregon. On the other hand, 1997 was the year that both Nebraska and Michigan finished undefeated and shared the national championship because again, they could not play each other in a bowl game. I was just trying to figure out which one you were talking about.

Sincerely,
Anonymous Puss #2

10:39 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...now I see what you're getting at. You are correct. I get Big 10 teams confused sometimes.

You are correct. I apologize.

Sincerely,
Angry blog writer #1.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WW2 reference? I'd have to say its probably the whole NAZI--death to all jews ANNE FRANK reference.

10:41 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

If you want to take that context....fine. Have at it. You, I, and all 1500 hits on this blog since I wrote it know what I was talking about.

If you're one of those ultra-sensative types who want me to call that thing in the street a "person-hole", then I can see how that would be offensive. How do you feel about me calling Jim Rose Joseph Gerbels?

Interesting in hearing your deep thoughts on that one as well.

God help you if you ever find yourself in a comedy club, or any other forum that uses metaphors to make a point. Again....I can google about 100,000,000 million websites that have stuff worse than that one line.

Shit, I don't even bash individual athletes...and yet I get labeled as an anti-semite? I reject comments that use the word "fag" or "gay" on them...and I get this?

This is more than a reach..it's a reach-around with a giant cup/feel at the end.

(insert anti-gay claim here)

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some advice if you ever find yourself in comedy ... try to stay away from anything related to The Holocaust ... not sure why, but for some reason the murders of 11 million Jews just dont seem to get the laughs. May want to go back to those classic "more than" lines. Sure, its not creative or original, but "on his back more times than Paris Hilton" is much less offensive than the Anne Frank card. But what do I know? I think "How I met your mother" is some of the worst shit ever produced.

11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your making concessions then I'll do the same by retracting my statement of being similar to Michael Richards. What I meant was that you basically pulled the manuver of 'insert foot into mouth' by refering to your dilema as a parallel to that of Anne Frank's. This couldn't be further from the truth even though you probably do get death threats. However, does anyone actually follow through on those empty promises (hopefully not because that would truely be sad). All in all I just thought your metaphor sucked.

About the "other" topics when in the offseason I feel that its your blog and you can say what you want. I will consider myself a fan of all things Nebraska and Husker sports will top the list (although I will occasionally check into UNO and Creighton sports to see have they're doing from time to time). With you being anti-Nebraska, or at least anti-Husker I will defend it no matter what sport your talking about. So in that regard fire away and I'll respond and counter when I see fit.

As for identifying myself, what do you want to know? My Zodiac sign? Do I like scarves? (Dog and yeah my super sweet ass-kickaroo red one that I found)

12:08 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

Correlation between Anne Frank and not being a Husker fan living in Omaha, that's about the same as me saying I could play NBA basketball because I know where to find a basketball court. (However, you may be 100 lbs. and scared of your own shadow, and your perception is your reality.)

Sports in general is full of fanatics, and there are example after example to prove it. Look at all the rioting that takes place after championships are won. Look at some of the loons that wear nothing but briefs and facepaint to football games in December. Look at a student section that wore antlers to basketball games.

Cripes my wifes uncle had his Husker flag burned off the flag pole in Hutchinson, MN when Nebraska had almost 1000 yards in offense that day (1983 if I remember correctly). I doubt Dick would have considered himself the Anne Frank of Husker football in Hutchinson, MN.

The only time I was fearful at a footabll game is when I went to the 1984 Orange Bowl, and sat amongst the unfaithful. First time I had been to a game outside Nebraska, and it was a new experience to hear people curse and berate players, coaches and fans alike. (Not to mention the mob mentality, liquids being hurled, and cups thrown as we left midway through the third quarter because we were soacked to the bone.)

1:07 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I was almost set to blast you..but the "how I met your Mother" line made me laugh. So props to you.

I was trying to make a point with the Anne Frank metaphor. Sometimes I gotta walk on the edge..and in case you guys haven't noticed...it's my job to piss you guys off. I still don't think it was THAT bad and I accept your apology about Michael Richards. (About as inacurate as my statement...but I see your point..you should be mine.)

Concur on the O Royals promotions and how just showing up at the Orange Bowl is taking your life into your own hands.

OHF is still a drama queen though.

Heh.

PS - Just because I'm such a stickler for accuracy (insert chuckle over Michigan and Penn State here) 6 million jews were murdered by the Nazis...not 11 million. Not to go Ahmadinejad on you, but that's the correct number if I'm not mistaken. And yes, I will be sure to put that on my avoid list next time.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did I see that Missiouri was giving away bowl tickets?

Have a nice post season!

GBR

PS: If there are any Auburn fans around here.........Ignore this guys junk.....he has no clue what he is saying..........

7:40 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Yeah, ignore the fact that he comes here 15 times a day. I'm sure he hates it with a white hot passion.

You notice they all hate me...yet you notice they all stick around for more. Hmmmmmmm.

As for Mizzou fans....two things. 1) We have horrible fans. I've said this since day 1. Thanks for not paying attention. and 2) Have you ever been to El Paso? Yikes. They'd have to pay me to go too.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous Medsker said...

aj,

i hate to admit this, but you've caused me to give a lot of thought to the sanity of my insane love of all things Nebraska. Case in point: last night the ESPN "Greatest College Football Team of ALL TIME and Forever and There Will Never Be a College Football Team as Good As This Team, EVER!!" poll-thing, NE had two teams in the finals, because apparently people in NE have nothing better to do than vote for their beloved Huskers (which, incidently, i'm all for). Long story short, Herbstreit goes ballistic. Ergo, message boards explode with pseudo-emails to ESPN to fire him, etc, etc, etc.

My point is this, prior to following your blog, i might have succumb to the NE is the be-all, end-all of life. However, you've caused me to realize that no one outside of NE, MI, OH, TX, or FL gives two craps about college football. It's like it's the only thing we've got. Wait, it is the only thing we've got.

Anyway, i appreciate you for revealing my "myopic" view of life and would probably buy you a beer if i ever met you. Not saying that i don't disagree with you, but i appreciate your opinion.

Well, it's time for me to get off my knees and back to work.

11:10 AM  

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