September 26, 2007

The 12 Steps of Ticked Off Husker Fan

Some things in this world are just really easy to predict. Who couldn't see Britany Spears turning into a white-trash car wreck starting milliseconds after she sucked face with Madonna? Who didn't see that whole Iraq war thing going bad after a few weeks? And this may shock some of you who don't follow science, but I'm pretty sure I can tell you EXACTLY what time the sun will come up tomorrow.

Shocking as all this may not be, Husker fan is really no different. Some of my favorite comments and e-mails are things like, "You don't know a damn thing about Husker fans." or "You pretending to know anything about Husker nation is laughable."

As your fair-and-balanced correspondent covering all things red and myopic, let me give you a little timeframe of exactly what is going to happen here in Planet Soybean over the next few days and weeks. Many of you are familiar with the 12 step program associated to alcohol addiction. The following is my own special timeline that I've observed most dedicated Husker fans partaking in after a difficult loss...or win over a really really shitty team, as is the case here.

Stage 1 - Disbelief
Yes, that was Ball State you struggled with, and yes they ran up 600+ yards on your home field. This was not Wednesday night at your mom's house playing Xbox. This was not your fantasy football league. This was real. At least you don't think it was.

Stage 2 - Reflection
Your mind quickly goes through any of the 185 other games you have memorized in your brain where your team looked this bad, yet still pulled out a decent season. Example - Kansas's 2006 OT struggle against the Hicks at Memorial Stadium.

Stage 3 - Communication
Since you can't think of a more crappy performance in back to back games, you have to ask other Husker fans if they remember such a horrible effort. This process continues until you either run out of friends, or have completely convinced yourself that Maine was actually a tough and worthy opponent.

Stage 4 - Realization
Since everybody around you is still wearing red coveralls and a giant yellow foam hat, you now realize this is not a dream.

Stage 5 - Conspiracy Theory
This DOES NOT happen to the Huskers. This CAN NOT happen at Nebraska, especially with an NFL coach and a 4.85 average star on Rivals. You begin scouring the internet to check and see if any recent point shaving scandals involve d-coordinators with the initials KC from the Midwest.

Stage 6 - Anger (This is where you are now)
Somebody has to pay. Obviously there is a rotten apple in the basket, and that person needs to be singled out NOW. It doesn't matter if it's a highly paid member of the coaching staff, or a legacy middle linebacker who's entire family has given their life to making your Saturday's worth living. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference. That person needs to go. Not tomorrow. Not now. Yesterday, regardless of affiliation or history.

Stage 7 - Analyze
Since members of the coaching staff are obviously borderline mentally retarded, you and your friends need to find the root of the problem. Whether it's at a South Omaha church or in your buddy Zeek's storm shelter, you OWE it to yourself and your fellow fans to find out where the breakdowns took place.

Stage 8 - Rationalize
After staring at game film for 35 hours straight, you have obviously found the root of the problem. The blackshirts will return to dominance if they only played cover 2 on 3rd and less than 4...but ONLY in the 1st half and ONLY if they are defending the north end zone.

Stage 9 - Deliberation
Your cover 2 theory goes head-to-head with hundreds of thousands of other gomers on a variety of Husker message boards, blogs and radio call in shows.

Stage 10 - Embrace
After 24-36 hours of excuse making and breaking down various arguments within a variety of electronic mediums, Husker Nation begins to morph back into one. Much like the metallic goo in Terminator 2, Husker fans slowly regather strength.

Stage 11 - Defend
Now that Husker nation is together as one, the red locusts begin to fight off attacking pray (ie - other Big 12 fans) on the validity of their own performance. This normally is done by deflecting rational thought ("Ball State is actually REALLY GOOD and would have beaten a lot of teams") and changing subjects quickly and erratically. (Our defense may suck, but Gary Pinkel lost to Troy in 2005)

Stage 12 - False Reality
By gameday the following week, the previously dissected problems are washed away in a sea of excuses and disconcert. Those Husker fans that actually DO remember the previous week's defensive issues return to square one by concentrating on things that really matter, like Tunnel Walks, giant scoreboards and the fact that Lil Red is going to be inducted into the mascot Hall of Fame.


1 - Missouri (4-0): IDLE

Gary Pinkel's team has been extremely good in September over the past few years. Now the fun starts. A thumping of Nebraska would be a huge confidence builder going into Norman the following week. A poor showing on 10/6 and a beat down to the Sooners would be a serious blow to a team that has a long history of mid-season mental issues.

2 - Kansas State (2-1): at Texas
We're going to know a hell of a lot about Ron Prince's team by Saturday night.

3 - Kansas (4-0): IDLE
Kansas takes on their toughest foe of the year in IDLE. No indication yet on how long Mark Mangino plans to play his starters.

4 - Colorado (2-2): vs Oklahoma
Dan Hawkin's club can make a HUGE statement by hanging with the Sooners this weekend. The Buffs did look salty on defense last week, shutting out Miami of Ohio. Hey wait a second....didn't they beat Ball State on the road?

5 - Iowa State (1-3): at Nebraska
The Clones struggled early, but have shown signs of life lately. A date with one of the worst defenses in the country gives them an excellent opportunity to turn the corner.

6 - Nebraska (3-1): vs Iowa State
Remember 3 weeks ago, when some of you were actually talking BCS bowl? 600+ yards? Ball State? It would be one thing if it was some sort of fluke, but by all accounts, the better team didn't win Saturday. The Husker's season and simple existence hangs in the balance with a September bowl-game-like match up with mighty 1-3 Iowa State.

1 - Oklahoma (4-0): at Colorado
The Sooners finally leave the state as they face their toughest foe yet. No way does Colorado have the horses to hang with OU's offense...but the home crowd, altitude and ability to actually tackle people (unlike Tulsa) will make the game close for a while.

2 - Texas (4-0): vs Kansas State
The Horns have separated themselves from the crappy and vastly overrated bottom half of the South. The only question now is...will they be looking past K-State the week before the Texas State Fair?

5a - Texas A&M (3-1): vs Baylor
I'm sorry. How do you not give the ball to Lane in Miami and pound away at the mediocre defense of the Canes on national TV? I like the Aggies a lot, but when you couple that performance with the head-scratching OT win over Fresno (at home) gotta question what's under the hood there.

5b - Oklahoma State (2-2): vs. Sam Houston State
What? Davey Crockett University wasn't available? I'm sorry, that article was dumb but Mike Gundy is an idiot for acting like such a crybaby. Anybody else be shocked if OSU struggles?

5c - Texas Tech (3-1): vs Northwestern State
Yeah Coach Leach, I'm sure that defense will be MUCH better now that your players have to learn a whole new scheme in mid-season.

5d - Baylor (3-1): at Texas A&M
Has anybody noticed that Baylor has 3 wins and has scored 110 points in 3 games? They're still Baylor I realize but that's gotta be worth something.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ - It must be easy to be a Mizzou fan; never having high expectations that can be dashed by a poor performance.

Say what you want about NU fans, but one thing we always maintain is high expectations for our team.

You have conveniently created a viewpoint that allows you to hide your disappointments behind MU's history of being bad. As soon as MU gets massacred by OU and NU fans want to gloat about that ass pounding (which will be much like poor Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction, without Bruce Willis to save your sorry asses - of course that would be MU fans sodomizing each other, wouldn't it?) you will say "of course we got killed, we are Mizzou".

Further if MU goes in the tank at some point in mid-season, you will side-step the mockery by repeating yor mantra - ..."we are Mizzou, this happens every year". That seems to be a largely defeatist mentality.

Quit being such a pussy and admit that you have high expectations that when not met, makes you lash out and want to fire Pinkel or get some young players in the game - you keep saying all fans are alike.


P.S. I offer no excuses for last Saturday - NU was terrible and Ball State should NEVER come into Memorial Stadium and do anything but get a thorough beat down, but just a reminder - you said the following about Ball State in your pre-season predictions:

"Despite their 5-7 record last season, Ball State proved to be rather salty at times...

But now, they are shitty? Hmmm. You must be a John Kerry fan, huh?

12:53 PM  
Blogger TB said...

I think I'm going blind from these new backgrounds.

1:44 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

I've seen sh!t fights in a monkey house more organized than this nonsense.

2:45 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

"rather salty" does NOT mean 600+ yards in Lincoln. Let the record show, you are the first moron to come through here and try and spin that Ball STate is good. I said SALTY...not GOOD. I did not predict a win...hell..I even predicted an NU blowout, because even I didn't think you sucked that bad.

HIDE FROM DISSAPOINTMENTS?!?!! WHAT THE FUCK are you talking about? Do you have any idea what the hell you're talking about?

The "of course we got killed" comment would not be because they're Mizzou..but because they're playing OU on the road. That only happened when Mizzou was shitty. That excuse never came out last year...nor the year before. The whole "defeatist mentality" tells me you don't have any idea what the fuck you're talking about.

You coddled assholes have no idea what it's like. Shit, you're bitching and moaning like girls because you're 3-1 and barely beat Ball State. DO NOT LECTURE me on shit that just "seems to happen"..nor can you brag about your "high expectations".

You fucking idiot. I'll let you rant and rave about anything you want...but for you to come out and accuse me of setting things up in such a manner is complete horseshit.

I'll stop "being a pussy" when you stop calling up former Blackshirts and ask them to "talk to the current players about what its' like to be a Huskers".

You pompus, arrogant hicks.

Fuck you.

PS - TB, sorry about the colors. Blame Iowa State. On Saturday..they will change to good old black and gold.

4:24 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

How in the hell is KU above CU in your power poll? I'm sure KU feels good about being 4-0, but at least CU has played 3 traditionally good programs.... Mangino prefers creampuffs on his table and his schedule.

4:36 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

damn... Midol anyone?

4:37 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Good point on the CU/KU part. I'd say they're close, but I know CU has trouble scoring touchdowns. If CU hangs with Oklahoma, it won't matter what KU does..they'll jump.

I've always said Hawkins is running a sleeping giant over there.

4:38 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

Well, CU has what neither NU nor MU have. You're right, if they start finding the endzone (and I believe they will, Hawkins is a good QB, just needs the reps at this level), they could end up with the Big 12 North trophy (don't worry, we'll send them the bill of materials and assembly instructions)

4:46 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OK, see..that was funny.

Well done.

4:46 PM  
Blogger bornred said...

BTW, I'm sure you're busy with your real life, but any update on a message board? I think this coming week would have been an ideal time to bust it out... When I see you get fired up and come out with the all caps response it seems like a more interactive medium would be the best way to see what other venom we can get out of you


4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... need for such rampant hostility. Maybe you missed the part about me saying NU had no excuse for Ball State and they should never come into our house and put up 600+ yards and 40pts. I excuses. I was simply pointing out inconsistencies in your pre-season and curent assessments of Ball State. (btw, you predicted 24-13 - not exactly a blowout)

What will you say if Mizzou goes into the tank at mid-season again? Will you queston the talent, coaching, heart, etc.? I have only been around for a few weeks, but it seems that you offer up the past as an excuse for why you can't expect greatness from your team - I find that weak.

If you will be angry and pissed at your team's performance, then how does that make you any better than NU fans who are bitching and moaning about a pitiful effort against a MAC team?

I did not complain that we are 3-1; I expected us to be 3-1 right now (albeit with a better defensive effort).

When did I suggest that having former Blackshirts talk to this team would help? The defense can only motivate themselves to play with heart - NO ONE can give someone else the heart to perform at their best each and every snap.

I am glad that you were finally pissed enough at something I wrote to respond. I wondered where the limit was - I guess calling you a pussy was it.

After being called an idiot, I should tell you that I would be happy to compare IQs and standardized test scores to prove your assertion inaccurate. However, the folowing is more important:

1. There are intelligent Husker fans - who may still want to pick a fight for fun

2. That your writing is interesting enough to cause me, someone who has NEVER posted on ANY OTHER message board, blog, etc. (because most of it is unenlightening, repetitive and pointless) to engage in talk about our respective teams.


P.S. A very wise man once said that profanity is the effort of a feeble mind to express itself forcibly...just something to think about

P.S.S. Is the word pussy profane? If so, then I stand corrected - you smelly vagina!

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Missouri Husker Fan said...

You're becoming exactly that which you arrogant idiot!

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Just one question. When did the pregame "Husker Hate Week" officially begin for the Missouri fans? The Tigers got their well planned and scheduled "off week" with an extra week to practice, therefore "Husker Hate Week" should really consist of a week 14 days long.

This could turn into a real beerfest filled week, enabling all of the "backwoods" Tiger fans to really get jacked up for the game.

For this week, "may your nipples be as as hard as your hate for the Huskers is strong".



6:01 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

As you can tell, I don't completely snap very often...but JH caught me at a bad time. Agree that if I let every single thing Husker fan said to me bother me..I'd be at the bottom of a lake somewhere long ago.

My apologies. Your smack-free post wasn't nearly worthy of a meltdown. ;)

PS - Hate weeks is really a me thing and not a Mizzou thing. I will say that it most likely started with the kick, got worse with Kellen Houston, and now that Mizzou is pretty good has exploded. Kinda like how Green Day rode the coattails of the grunge movement. They were always pretty good...they just didn't explode until the conditions were just right.

PPS - Message board will probably be soon after the season...sorry to say. Be lucky I only have time for color changes and logos. (Although my web dude does a good job with those)

7:24 PM  
Blogger TB said...

Ah, no problem with the colors. I just noticed that when I left the site after reading the most recent post, my eyes had some trouble adjusting to a white background. Looking forward to the black&gold next week.

10:46 PM  
Anonymous MS said...

I didn't know Frasier's brother, Niles Crane, was a NU fan? Who knew?

(Oh, that was directed to the NU fan with the huge IQ)

1:24 PM  
Anonymous STRAPPED TIGER said...

To this first anonymous jackoff:

I know you probably read AJ's post after just getting off your long shift at the local adult shop where you work tirelessly as a jizz mopper. I can't even begin to imagine just how frustrating your days are as you walk from booth to booth cleaning up some pathetic loser's jizz, jizz that was produced while watching your sister strip down and play with herself (something you have dreamed of watching your whole life). It must kill you know that your lot in life is so utterly shitty. So I am not surprised that you came home and found the need to vent all of your hostility on someone.

The problem is, you picked AJ, who did nothing wrong. All he did was point out that your team BLOWS COCK. He just penned facts. Deal with it, ya candyass bitch.

To you, and all Nebraska fans: FUCK OFF TWATS.

Mizzou is going to absolutely roll your bitch asses on 10/6

Here is my to do list for game day:
1. Fight any willing NU fans before the game just outside the stadium.

2. In the event that any of you a) are willing to fight me and b) actually convinced one the few hot skanks in your state to accompany you to the game, I plan to bang the hell out of your hot, whore wives/girlfriends after beating you up.

3. Skip the first half of the game so that me and my boys can key all Nebraska cars (except AJ's)

4. Catch the second half of the ASS KICKING Mizzou is going to put on the Cornholers.

5. Rush the field after the win, stand at mid field, pull out my heat, and squeeze off a few celebratory rounds into the air.


4:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms...I assume that the Niles Crane comment was meant to be funny - but would you prefer that instead I fit the mold of how you envision Nebraska fans? (stupid, inbred hicks)

I was simply offering my accuser an opportunity to validate his assertions. It clearly is not important to the discussion, which was my point - every fan base has idiots and intelligent, respectful fans. I try to be the latter.

I apologize if you were unable to grasp the intent of my response. I can only assume that you have modeled your own intellectual abilities after Betty White's character from the Golden Girls - that has got to be the first (and I hope last) Golden Girls' reference in the history of this blog.

Now to prove that I can be a crass, unintelligent jackass, I will politely ask you to suck me and make sure you don't forget to jiggle my balls a little while you are down there.

Is that the type of response you prefer ms.?


5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PACK HEAT = Nub fan posing as MU poster...It's kind of obvious.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

strapped is hard to know where to begin in responding to the least inventive and unimaginative thing I have ever had the displeasure of reading (please think of a new disparaging thing to call us besides jizz moppers - you have used it before).

At least AJ is entertaining and usually imaginative in his efforts to bash NU and its fans. I actually enjoy intelligent banter.

Alas, for you this seems too difficult - you are clearly something pulled from Darwin's grab bag of evolution. I am sure your family dreams of the day when your foreheads will not stick out farther than your noses - I'm sure you are confused, but that was a reference to your very close ties to Cro-Magnon man. Although, I am impressed with your apparent mastery of the caps lock button, which does help me find the dumbest of the things you have stated.

The following is strapped tiger's every day to-do list:

1. Wake up in a morass of his own puke and piss

2. Jackoff to his Ralph Macchio poster collection

3. Stare at the sagging, water stained ceiling of his camper/home and realize that not passing the fourth grade by age 17 may have been a poor life choice.

4. Get dressed; paying particular attention to make sure that his mullet looks good hanging through the hole in his trucker cap.

5. Ride his 1985 Huffy BMX bike to his job at the local petting zoo, where, now that the machine has ceased working, he practices his oral sperm extraction skills (I've heard he is the best) on the various horses, cows, goats, rabbits, etc.

6. Goes home to squeeze off a few more "celebratory rounds" onto Macchio's face

In short, your post was soft and ineffectual - which is how your girl described your cock when I was banging her six ways to Sunday.


P.S. Do you see how pointless this exchange was? Please get something else to do with your life besides posting meaningless vitriol.

11:38 AM  

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