Reality Bites - Where We're Going and Where We've Been
As many of you know, I address my columns mostly to the pain-junky Husker fans who find my site every day. I'm not sure why, but it seems they can't get enough of reading words from a guy who absolutely hates their guts in such a manner. (Sort of like pulling at a hangnail for 5 hours until it bleeds) It also kind of reminds me of that old Seinfeld episode, where George is turned on by the woman who hates his guts. Not sure why..that's just how it is.
But stepping away from that, you'd be surprised at the number of people who get on my case who are NOT Husker fans. Granted, it is to be expected that Cletus McGomer from Lexington who posts under the screen name "RED_STUD_4LIFE" would be all pissed off at whatever I decide to type. However, I'm getting a growing number of complaints from the other side. Complaints from normal people. People with jobs. People who don't spend 3 hours a day looking at Will Compton's myspace page. Why you ask?
Apparently I'm slipping in my hatred.
Yes, finding new and exciting ways to rip the classiest fans in the nation isn't quite enough anymore. As my audience expands, so does the height of the bar in which I need to hang them from. Take this week's prison raping in Lincoln, where an entire summer of Husker arrogance was wiped away in one 3 hour period. While the e-mails, text messages and blog comments from myopic Husker freaks dipped substantially today, the number of people complaining that I'm being too lenient on them has exploded. The bad thing is, it wasn't just one person...but several people...all asking the same thing: "Why did you let up on the Husker fans on Sunday? I was expecting so much more."
You know what? You're right.
This just goes to show you that deep down, I'm way too nice of a guy. Despite my white-hot hatred for everything you stand for, I have let go a perfect opportunity to step on you neck while you were down. Instead of piling on, and mocking your MONTHS of non-stop bragging and off-center predictions....I've simply let you roll around on the mat and get a second wind. Why haven't I pilled on? Why haven't I used this opportunity to jump on you and use this most blatantly obvious example of your ineptitude against you? Did I jump out to a huge lead, only to let you regain your composure?
Jesus, I've Pinkeled myself.
Let the record show Husker fans, that my brothers-in-arms are correct. You deserve no mercy. Granted I knew this would happen, granted I've been calling you out for the absolute train wreck you've become for a long time, I am letting a golden opportunity slip through my fingers.
In order to do so, let's take a look at some of your most outrageous and ridiculous claims from the summer, and apply them to what we've seen so far this season.
CLAIM - "It's time for the Huskers to take the next step in their evolution".
REALITY - Unless that step is to trip over the lineman next to you, you've gone nowhere.
CLAIM - "Marlon Lucky is going to step up and show the world why he was a 5-star recruit"
REALITY - Take away the scrimmage against the Reno High School JV team, and Marlon has rushed for a cool 123 yards on 41 carries. (3 yards a rush). I guess that answers the idiotic local radio question posed 2 weeks ago..."Is Marlon Lucky a Heisman candidate?" The answer? Ummmm...no.
CLAIM - "Sam Keller is a gunslinger, who will bring senior leadership to an already loaded offense"
REALITY - JC Keller throws like a girl and is now 6-5 lifetime as a starter.
CLAIM - "NU's secondary is loaded"
REALITY - NU's secondary may or may not be better than last year. Unfortunately, the blackskirts have given up nearly 600 yards rushing in their last 8 quarters of play, including that rushing juggernaut Wake Forest. Can't wait to see what they do when facing a real passing team.
CLAIM - "Nebraska continues to pile up the monster recruits."
REALITY - Nebraska is coached by buffoons who would struggle mightily leading the Chicago Bears to a victory in the Poinsettia Bowl over Army.
The best part of all this is....even after looking pathetically average against Wake Forest...even after getting anally violated at home on National TV by USC...some of you still don't get it. As I type this, I'm listening to the podcast of Kevin Kuglar, preaching to the world over the airwaves that there is "No way Missouri can beat Nebraska on October 6th". Why is this so difficult for you to see? Why is it so hard for you to let go of the past, and realize that you're no better now that Kentucky. Actually...I take that back...you would get get bitchslapped by Kentucky 10 times out of 10 and twice on Tuesday.
The fact of the matter remains, this is just another step in your road to perdition after you sold your black-encrusted souls in 2001 for a Rose Bowl birth. In fact, I'm not even sure why it surprises you anymore. I mean seriously...did you actually think you had the horses to beat USC? You would think that people who literally dedicate their lives to Jeremy Crabtree and swear off women for months/years at a time would know the personnel well enough to see a giant bludgeoning coming from a mile away. Unfortunately for you, that doesn't appear to be the case.
So where do we go from here?
Well, you're going to go on to Ball State, and most likely wallop a low-level MAC team that lost to Miami (OH) at home. By that time, everything will be magically fixed, as you note to just about everybody who will listen, that this was the team that hung with Michigan last year. (We saw how tough they are at home in week 1 didn't we?) You'll then take on crappy Iowa State in their bi-annual blood-letting in Lincoln, as Missouri opens the Faurot Field gates to a public scrimmage with Illinois State Technical School for the Disabled.
What that sets up is a cage match of biblical proportions. Not since Napoleon marched through Russian territory in 1812, has there been a more blatant foreshadowing of impending grizzly death than your upcoming march down I-29 in less than 3 weeks. The best part is, many of the Husker fans I've been interacting with today are STILL not convinced that they can lose a track meet with the Tigers who are putting up over 500 yards per game. Would you feel good about Bo Ruud having to cover Martin Rucker coming off of the line in front of 68,000 beer-fueled Missouri fans under the bright ESPN lights? (Most likely) Seriously..how many times would Missouri even have to stop JC and company? Twice?
The next 3 weeks are going to be some of the more entertaining exchanges we've had here at BEL. I'm going to try and do a better job keeping up the level of hate that I know you've come to expect. My most sincere apologies to you all, as the main event draws ever closer.