December 22, 2007

The 2nd Annual Holiday Wish List Column

The worst part about the bowl season, aside from the complete and total joke that is the bowl selection system, is the anticlimactic-ness of it all. I mean, play just stops for like a month…and just when you’re about to go crazy to see more games…they tease you with stuff like Utah vs. Navy and New Mexico vs. Nevada. Just play all the 2nd tier games on a single weekend, and just get it all over with.

Anyhow, should be a pretty quiet week around here. Bo Pelini is off teaching real athletes how to run the cover 2, while Tom Osborne is searching high and low for every TV camera in the state, just so he can look into the lens and talk about how much he hates the attention. Riighhhttt. The only thing really left to cover is recruiting, and God knows you are WELL aware of my thoughts regarding recruiting.

So what does that leave us? Ahhhh…A Christmas tradition like no other. My 2nd annual “Things I DON’T want for Christmas”. (Some of you may be aware of Omaha World Herald columnist/traitor Tom Shatel’s annual “Christmas wishes for local sports figures” that he does every year.)


- I don’t want another day of Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson. As a Chiefs fan for life, I’ve been spoiled by mediocre play, with constant promises and dreams of “wait til next year.” Well, I’m 35 flipping years old, and “next year” came and went about 15 times over. I know I’m not exactly alone here, but piss off Carl, and take Herm with you. Nice guy. Bad coach. Destroy the whole damn thing and start over from scratch. It was a nice little run.

- I don’t want to hear one more time about how Creighton plays in a conference that is “Just as tough as any other in the country.” Uhhhh, no. Per…the Mo Valley is sitting a whopping 10th in overall conference SOS. That sits behind such superpower conferences such as the A-10, the Horizon League, the WCC and of course…the MAC. I will give them credit though, that’s still better than the Big 10.

- Another thing I don’t need to see is yet another lame-ass Husker t-shirt, celebrating the accomplishment of the day…whether it’s “restoring the order” or hiring an assistant with zero experience. Jesus, how old are you people? It was lame in college with Sig Eps, PKE’s and Sigma Nu’s all made lame t-shirts celebrating a house party with a Roman theme….and it’s certainly lame now. Stop it.

- I don’t need to hear about Brittany, Paris, Lindsey, Brittany’s sister who can’t keep her legs together, Julia, Tara or any other person who nobody would give a rat’s fat ass about if they weren’t on your TV. Hell, nobody can even figure out what the hell Paris Hilton did to become famous (aside from that low budget porn.) I don’t need to hear what they had for breakfast, and I certainly don’t need 15 channels a night wasting valuable airtime that could be associated to sports or South Park.

- I don’t need to hear anymore about the Mitchell Report. It’s nice to know who is a big fat cheater, but until the players union is no longer led by scumbags, and the owners group isn’t led by douchebags…then I’ll care. In the meantime, I simply wait to see what Dayton Moore can do with 4 bucks and a box of magic beans.

- I don’t need another Bright Eyes album. I get it. The kid is talented and he’s from Omaha. But he’s also a whiney, spoiled little bitch who has become famous for simply crying about how rough he has it. (Living in Dundee or whatever he is from will do that to ya I guess.) Along those lines, I don’t need to see any more albums from Bruce Springsteen. It’s over Bruce. Tour the country. Play your hits. Go to Vegas. You haven’t made a decent song since 1988. Give it up.

- My kids had a Christmas concert at school the other night. No, I don’t think they should stop having them..but you know what I don’t need to deal with? IDIOT parents who stand up and start waving as if they were sitting in the front row of a Clay Aiken show. You wonder why your fucking kids can’t follow directions? The Goddamn principal is telling you to quiet down, and you’re jumping around like an idiot. I feel bad for a lot of kids in this world, because they are flat out screwed for no other fault than having bad genes. It’s an endless circle….idiot adults have idiot kids, and it’s not too hard to realize the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.

- Speaking of kids and the holidays, if I ever find the motherfucker who invented those goddamn plastic twist-tie things that clamp onto children’s’ toys like a cupcake attached to Mark Mansion’s right hand, I swear to God…there will be hell to pay. What the hell are they worried about in the packing/shipping process? Navy destroyers in dry-dock aren’t secured as tight as the Dora play set I just opened this week. We can put people in space, but that’s the best we can do to keep toys from rattling around? This may be the Christmas I finally snap.

- I don’t need to see another political ad. It’s December and I’m done. I think this year..since there are ZERO candidates worth a damn to consider…I will simply take all my time and effort and run a personal smear campaign on a random candidate of each party. Stay tuned to see just who I pick.

- Natalie Halloway. Let the girl rest in peace for Christ sake. We all know that little weasel Dutch fuck did it. Just let the court of public opinion run wild, and tell Greta and Nancy to talk about something else for 5 seconds.

- I know this is coming this spring…and there is nothing I can do about it….but I’m dreading the site of the Qwest Center this March during March Madness…filled to the brim with doctors, lawyers and retired dentists. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of how the world works, and money talks. But it still chaps my ass that Bruce Rasmussen would have the balls to have not one but TWO rounds of ticket sales to Creighton ticket holders…and then have the brass sack to look into the camera and say, “We’re simply saving the public from having to deal with the secondary fees applied to purchasing tickets through the NCAA”. Eat me Bruce. Jackass.

- This one isn’t for me as much as it is for you. Regardless of what sort of defensive genius your new coach is…your players don’t need the baseless hype and expectations you are sure as hell to pour on. I’m not going to put myself in the shoes of Joey Ganz…and I realize he had a couple of nice games…but save your Heisman talk. Save your All-Big 12 predictions for Marlon Lucky. Save it all. Focus on the hear and now, and leave the memories to the t-shirt makers.

- Back when I first started this blog 3+ years ago, I ranted about a HORRIBLE experience I had on Southwest Airlines. Well…I have travel plans with them again in the near future, so let me tell you what I don’t need: I don’t need flight attendants who wear giant plastic oversized sunglasses, and re-create Bob Saget’s entire 40 minute set from 1993. I don’t need the co-pilot singing ‘Rockin Robin’ as we taxi to a stop. I don’t need it. It’s bad enough the plane is Brown, Red and Blue….I don’t need to feel like I’m at Disneyland. Fly the plane. Get me a drink. Keep law and order. That’s it.

- UNO hockey coach Mike Kemp is a nice guy and a great ambassador. He’s been nothing but instrumental in getting the program off the ground 11 years ago. But I don’t need to see him behind the bend even one more time. He’s not a head coach. He can’t motivate. His teams are always “young” and “finding themselves.” I’m sick of it, and I’m probably not going to care too much again until these changes are made. Until then…I guess we’ll consider Mav hockey the greatest idea ever that was completly and totally bungled from the start in just about every single way possible. Sad more than anything.

- Finally, I don’t need to tell you how lucky we are to live in a world where we have the time and effort to bitch at each other and call each other idiots, simply because of the team we cheer for. Don’t get me wrong…you people have SERIOUS…deep-rooted emotional and psychological issues…but in the end, it’s a small part of the much bigger picture.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Peace on earth.



Anonymous donkeyhoetee said...

The Chiefs suck. So do you.

3:28 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Good one.

Ho Ho go fuck yourself.

4:42 PM  
Blogger Spencer said...

" In the meantime, I simply wait to see what Dayton Moore can do with 4 bucks and a box of magic beans."


5:15 PM  
Anonymous 65-51 (shoulda been bigger) said...

Lots of good points, but the little plastic covered twist ties thing is freakin DEAD ON!!!! I hate those frickin things and want to blow up the next toy that has them just for principal. I spend more time getting those little bastards off than it took to find, purchase, wrap, hide, and watch whatver 6 dollar toy get opened. Merry Christmas AJ, Keep up the hate. The world needs you.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Do you use condoms? I don't want your kind to propagate.

One of your kind is enough.


6:47 PM  
Anonymous p-millionaire said...

well said.

8:44 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Is there anything more lame than condom smack? God, nothing like taking your trash talking directly from a Sum 41 song.

Funny thing probably took you 45 minutes to come up with it. Oh, I'm the only mod you don't have to use GFY. It's Go Fuck Yourself, and you're free to do so if you can figure it out.

ha ha
Ho ho
Hee hee



10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think it's bad watching parents at a Christmas play, just wait until you go to a high school graduation. Parents make a complete spectacle of themselves whenever their kids' name is read at graduation. Isn't graduating from high school expected? Is graduating from high school the equivalent of winning the Nobel Peace Prize? You would think it is when you go to the graduation and see Lance and Paula shooting silly string in the air and firing off air horns when their little moppet is being recognized for being adequate. Pathetic.

9:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Two topics hit close to home for me: Your school Christmas concert observations and the plastic twist ties; both were spot on!
In closing, I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas.
Go Big Red!

Columbia, MO

6:36 AM  
Blogger Husker Mike said...

Still not ready to throw in the towel on Mike Kemp yet, AJ... But I will agree with you on the plastic twisties and Carl Peterson. (Herm gets a bit of a pass based on what he's been handed to work with in recent years...)

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the best and most entertaining blogs in cyberspace.

2:18 PM  

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