February 23, 2008

The Post About Nothing

That’s right. This column is about nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m itching at the chance to blather on about how Bo Pelini is the second coming of Christ. (Or would that be the second coming of Keller? I get confused.) I just can’t wait for the next time a Husker player jacks some girl in the face at a bar…which let’s face it..we are waaaaaaay overdue for.

But in the meantime, I guess we just sit and wait. (Sigh)

College basketball is great, but the real fun doesn’t begin until March. Spring football is still a month away. Major league baseball is starting up camp, but lets face it…I get depressed enough following the Royals for 5 months a year, I don’t need to make it 6 to make me feel worse. UNO hockey? Rosenblatt? Smoking ban?

Hell I don’t know. This is exactly what I was afraid of when I decided to keep trudging on. With that being said, let the record show that we are on borrowed time here at BEL. For you see, I’ve already won. My team is a top 4 program going into this year. Nebraska finished 5-7 and was ass-pounded at home by a mediocre Texas A&M team. My team had a Heisman finalist, yet you were only one of 5 teams in college football with a more pathetic defense than yours. Five. (1…2…3…4…5)

This is what I get for keeping it going. A cold and dark February, with nothing left to do but throw out a “Remember that time when Eric Crouch was really good but couldn’t win a big game to save his life? Yeah, that was great” post. Or remember back in 1996 when the entire country stood still watching Arizona State destroy Scott Frost in the desert? Yeah, that was cool.

(crickets chirping)

This is absolutely horrible. You are completely beaten and pathetic. Even the most hard-core, kool-aid chugging Husker fan has reached the realization that you are no longer what you were. (The problem is..many of you think you can get back to that point. Trust me …you can’t.)

We could talk about Husker basketball. Nobody cares. We could talk about Creighton, but the 2,000 true Creighton fans (who don’t wear red on Saturdays) hate you anyway, and oh yeah…the suck donkey balls too. Perhaps we could talk about Husker baseball’s big split over Stanford last night?

College baseball is not a sport. Any sport that allows you to host a regional based on how many fans you will be bringing in is not a sport in my book. It’s a nice spectacle come playoff time. It’s a nice diversion when absolutely NOTHING is going on in late February, but it’s simply not interesting enough to me to even mention. And oh yeah, my team is better than yours in that sport too.

Jeez does this suck. Perhaps another music list? Perhaps a breakdown of the Oscars? Perhaps another 3 posts on how this city is about to ruin the only big-time event they have, simply because a bunch of shanty-dwelling parking Nazis want to “Save” a 65 year old stadium that isn’t that impressive in the first place?

Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s obvious I’m going to have to come up with something big just to keep my own sanity and squeeze at least one ounce of creativity (the one ounce I have left) out of my keyboard. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only chance I have to keep any sort of interest whatsoever.

Let the record show, I should have just declared victory back in October. It’s no fun strolling down the Champs-Élysées when the entire place has been nuked, and the only thing left is a couple of cockroaches and a mound of endothermic ash.

But I’ll keep trudging on...for now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do I think your doing your best 'Dubya' impression and claiming "Mission Accomplished" on the whole 'death of your program' point.

If we still had Callahan and company roaming our sidelines for another year or so I would have to agree with you. However, that guy was taken out and replaced by someone who seems to actually give a shit about the program.

Sure, Missouri is in the better position right now and is the team to beat, but don't think for a second we're just going to roll over and give up the North to you. We still have the fight in us and all is not lost on this end.

11:57 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Well no offense..but it sure seems lost for you now. Don't get me wrong..I know you'll be back. (Ie your myopia..not your team). But yes..that's the only reason I'm still going.

By the way...props on the W reference. That was pretty funny, and I'm mad I didn't figure it out myself.

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How's the basketball season going for you?

I see that Missouri, a basketball school, is tied with football school Nebraska in the standings.

Doesn't look like your shitty Tigers are getting into the Tournament.

How embarrassing. A basketball school can't get into the Tournament while plenty of football schools will.

No wonder you're so depressed. Enjoy your shitty, depressing life.

12:35 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Wow....now I've seen it all.

Some Husker fan, trying to jab me because of a 5-7 Mizzou basketball team?

This just in Tex...Mizzou hasn't been good since I was in college and quite frankly...a 12-2 season..in the only sport you care about is just devestating. Sometimes I can't even make it out of bed. My God, if they could only get on a roll and win 4 straight at the tourney..my life would be complete.


7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous #2 : Missouri is not a basketball school. Missouri is a football school: 12-2; 41-6. Nice try asshole.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...




7:18 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

No doubt.

Sorry for the delay...got sidetracked. Oh well..nothing happening anyway.

7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And Kansas (12-1) and Wake Forest (2006 ACC Champs) are football schools too, right? What a fucking tard.

I'm a USC fan by the way--not a cornholer. We love traveling to the midwest in September, sodomizing your pasty white women while you look on helplessly, and watching the Trojans beat shitty Big 12 and Big 10 teams.

8:24 PM  
Blogger AJ said...


Congrats to your NY Giants this past season. Also wishing much success to your Red Sox as they gear up for another title run.

USC fan my ass.

8:29 AM  

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