Super Bowl Sunday and FAQ's
Regardless of all that, there really isn’t a whole lot else going on. Husker football is floating in the toilet, with nothing more than a couple of high school kids and a hothead inexperienced first-time head coach going for it. Creighton continues to squeak by teams that would give Elkhorn High a good game. Husker baseball…which used to be a staple of Joe Husker fan’s pre-spring excitement, has now been designated to the back page with the hunting and fishing reports.
So with that in mind, I figure now is as good of a time as any to publish my FAQ’s. Many readers have requested this, simply because with new readers all the time..I CONSTANTLY have to explain myself and my base views expressed in this site. (I'm still working on a link, but I'm too lazy to get to building it) So if you’ve been here a while, and already know these, feel free to check back in on Tuesday. For the rest of you, pay attention, because I really don’t want to do this more than once every year or so.
Q – Why do you hate Nebraska so much?
A – That broad statement is not true. I enjoy living in Nebraska just fine. I married a girl from Nebraska, my kids were born in Nebraska. But this isn’t where I’m from. Unfortunately, most of you are from here..and really have no idea what it’s like to cheer for somebody else. You also have this perception that everybody wants to be you. That arrogance and self-perception that ANYBODY outside the four-state area cares about you is maddening. The fact that most of you are also batshit crazy when it comes to your football team doesn’t help either.
Q – Fine, if you don’t like it…why don’t you move?
A – Two reasons. For one, I’m not buttass stupid enough to blur the line between sports and life. I like the city just fine, it’s the sports fans I hate. Wouldn’t that be rather ignorant to quit your job, sell your house, uproot your family and start over somewhere else….just because your neighbor dresses up at Bob Devaney on Halloween? And two, the world needs me here. Nobody cares about the part of the world, and they certainly don’t have any insight into your bizarre little world. The local media will never share this with others, because they’re just as whacked out insane as the rest of you. Like the underground movement in Communist China, the world needs to know what it’s like on the inside…behind the walls so to speak.
Q – Why do you like Missouri? They suck.
A – Because some of us don’t pick our favorite teams because we had a cool t-shirt with an N logo on it in the 70’s. I picked them because I thought they had cool uniforms and colors. Why the hell do you think I like them? I’m saddled with them for life, because that’s where I’m from and that’s who I am. I don’t start rooting for another basketball team because they’re having a better season. I don’t claim to be a big Browns fan because I had a layover in Cleveland once in 1997. They're stuck with me, and I'm stuck with them. That's what real fans do.
Q – Fine, why take 5 hours a day to write a blog about a team you hate? A – I’ve always loved to write, and you people give me enough material to last until I’m about 203 years old by my calculations. Blogger.com makes starting something like this easy and quick. As for the web design…a friend of mine from Reno is starting a web design business, and decided to help me out for free. (Isn’t Justin swell?) Bottom line: It doesn’t take that much effort, and it’s only a matter of time before you, your media or your coach does something incredibly stupid.
Q – It must kill you inside when Nebraska wins. You’re going to be in hell when we get back to prominence.
A – First of all, most of you will be watching Matlock and wearing Depends by the time you get “back to prominence”. Second, of course I root against the Huskers 100% of the time…mostly because I hate your guts. But when you win, you make my job really really easy. How? Because you take small victories and insignificant achievements, and stretch them into ridiculous expectations. Don’t believe me? Two words: Sam Keller. It's easier to write about your antics when you win, because your true colors show.
Q – Who is your most hated Husker of all time?
A – So many to choose from. I’d say it’s a tie between Scott Frost, Kellen Houston or Josh Davis. All three of them exemplify everything that is ridiculously sad about Husker football..whether it be whining, being a puss or an outright criminal. However, the one person that sums up all of these traits is not a player, but single person. This person not only lives under a blanket of hypocrisy, but also loves the glare of your attention more than most of you love animal porn. Dr. Tom exemplifies everything that is wrong about you. Bland, plain, boring and in love with himself. He, also like you is willing to talk a good game, and then make excuses for his mistakes. He is you, and there is no wonder you are so perfect for each other.
Q – You just insulted Tom Osborne. I’m going to kick your ass.
A – That’s not a question.
Q – What is your favorite Husker moment of all time?
A – There are so many moments, it’s hard to speak to them all. Obviously the 2001 Colorado game was enjoyable. The colon-pounding against Texas Tech made me giggle. The 2003 loss to Missouri was obviously personal to me as well. However, I think the Missouri game from this fall might be the my favorite moment. Not because it was my team, or that I attended the game after drinking and eating smoked pork loin and ribs for 12 hours with 70,000 Mizzou fans and students. No, what was great about that was the sheer way in which you were destroyed…taunted and powerless, as the people you bullied and pounded on retalliated on National TV with venom, fake field goals and a wave around the stadium that lasted the better part of 20 minutes. The Huskers obviously had issues…but at that moment..during that game…you had a shred of hope left. Then, the bomb was dropped, leveling your program to the glowing pile of nothingness it is now. A truly historic moment that I’m glad I witnessed in person.
Q – What’s your problem with the Omaha media?
A – Like Goebbels and his Nazi propaganda machine, the Omaha media continues to fuel the fires of idiocy and myopia through idealistic and unimaginable expectations. Now don’t get me wrong…I went to journalism school for a time, and I know exactly why they cater to their readers. The problem is, all of their readers are complete lunatics. I’m still at odds with myself over whether the media is in fact that idiotic as well, or if they’re simply acting idiotic to make you people happy. However, no matter how it happens, you can bet that the Omaha print, radio and television media will continue to be a mouthpiece for the unrealistic cult of myopia it serves.
Q – What the hell do you have against the College World Series.
A – Let’s be clear here…I don’t hate the Series itself. Even as a teenager, I went to games with my dad, and had a great time. (Especially when Jim Audley gunned down Dax Jones in 1991, sending Creighton’s dream season into the toilet). However, it’s the pure evil that is the NCAA that sparks my hatred. If you’ve ever met the men who run that tournament (I have), you will understand just what sort of slime and unsavory arrogance you are dealing with. Meanwhile, the city of Omaha is so busy patting themselves on the back and sucking off some ESPN cameraman who makes 7 bucks an hour…they don’t even notice. I don’t want the series to leave, but I want people to understand just where the event sits in the sporting universe.
Q – Didn’t you used to love UNO hockey?
A – I still enjoy UNO hockey, but decided to not renew my tickets for the first time in 10 years. Unfortunately, the ugly specter of mediocrity has plagued the program for the better part of 5 years. Throw in a formerly corrupt athletic department that cared more about giving girls-cross country their fair due than expanding the hockey program..and you get bitter fans such as myself. They’ve been playing better over the last few weeks, and the gameday experience has improved. (Finally) However, they still have a long way to go to get me back.
Q – Who are you backing for president?
A – I haven’t made up my mind yet. I don’t vote for people because other people tell me to. Hell, I may actually write-in myself.
Next week is going to be a bit slow, as I’m getting the hell out of this one-Husker town. More details as the week goes on. In the meantime, enjoy your pizza rolls, spinach dip, Tricuits and cheese balls. Oh, and the game too if you really care.
(Photo thanks Huskers.com and Missouritigers.com for Truman - Fear the Kitty and fight the power)