The Face of Evil
A funny thing happened, as I lounged in giant double chair, with 50 inches of pure plasma bliss staring at me from 15 feet away….a feeling I’m well familiar with. Like a warm blanket, it covered me slowly at first, only to encompass my soul in a matter of minutes.
That feeling was hatred, and the team that did it was the New England Patriots.
Now I’ve railed on Boston fans before. If you’ve every been to New England, or God forbid have actually met one of these people, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. However, as easy as it is to rail on Boston Sports fan for being a super-sized asshole right about now…I realized something: The great thing about sports is not who we grow to love and support…but who we grow to hate.
I’m not going to lie to you…I was pulling for Jacksonville as if I was a lifelong northeast Florida native. On every Tom Brady pass, I thought to myself, “Get that weasel bastard”….and yet to no avail. By the end of the game, I was actually pissed off....pissed that it wasn’t my team who lost…but for the fact that evil triumphed again over karma and justice.
If you have two functioning eyeballs, it’s pretty obvious what team I find the most annoying and irritating in American sports. The Huskers are far and away the most vile, despicable, ego-driven, arrogant bastards God ever put under a bumpy piece of yellow foam. And yes, Kansas is a close second, with their snobbish, paranoid and self-centric view of the world, despite the fact they’ve won the same amount of National Titles as UTEP in the past 50+ years in basketball.
But who else is out there you ask? Just for the fun of it, I put together some of my most hated teams and athletes. Everybody has their list..whether deeply personal, or worn proudly on their sleeve. Again, these aren’t teams who broke my heart, like the 1995 UCLA Bruins (Tyus Edny…for God’s sake Warren STOP HIM!). I held nothing against them per say. I’m talking dynasties and teams alike who twisted that knob deep in your soul...the same knob that causes you to throw up a little in your mouth every time you see them on TV.
#5 – The Chicago Cubs.
I’m not sure why, but I have ALWAYS hated the Cubs. I’m not sure if it was the annoying slobber of Harry Caray taking over my TV back in the day…completely pre-empting a perfectly good episode of Saved by the Bell, where I’m sure Kelly Kapowski’s body was fantastic and spectacular as usual. Ryne Sandburg, bleacher bums, WGN, Andre Dawson…all of them. And yes, I’ve been to Wrigley and no…I didn’t find it a magical place where dreams come true. It was like a bad frat party without the t-shirts in a 100 year old stadium with zero charm and even less personality.
#4 – The Boston Red Sox.
This has come on as late, mostly because I actually did feel sorry for them back in the day. I didn’t find it all that sad when Bill Buckner choked away the 86 series. However, as soon as the “poor downtrodden” Red Sox started spending $120 million dollars a year more than 5 major league teams…the whole sympathy thing went out the window. Also, you’ll never meet a more annoying group of know-it-alls than you will with Boston fans. No matter what you say…you could be the head of the Elias Sports Bureau, and some assclown Boston native will argue with you to the death about just about anything.
#3 – Chicago Bulls of the 1990’s.
Am I the only one on earth who hates Michael Jordan? I understand the guy was a great talent…by far one of the greatest talents the sports world has ever seen. But it didn’t take much effort to spot how being the greatest athlete on earth would turn you into an attention starved media-whore, who’s entire persona was undercut by a seedy gambling addiction…not to mention a pretty crappy family life. He’s a great player…but he’s also a fraud, a phony and extremely hatable. And don’t get me started on Scottie Pippen.
#2 – New York Yankees of the 1970’s
To this day, just the sight Reggie Jackson’s arrogant trot around the bases in a grainy highlight reel makes my blood boil. The fans, the players, the fact that they were all coked up….not to mention the most hated jackass of them all…Bill Martin…oozed evil. Bad guys, bad fans, bad people, bad karma.
#1 – Denver Broncos
Ask any red-blooded Kansas City fan what color would instantly boil the bile in their stomach, and they would immediately tell you the nauseating bright orange hue of shit known as the Denver Broncos. Whether from the biggest loud-mouth asshole of our time (Shannon Sharpe), a weasely jerk-off coach, delusional fans, smurfberry helmets or the grand poobah of hateable athletes…John Elway…the Broncos simply oozed evil. Three Amigos, Terrell Davis or that goddamn cheating Bill Romanowski…they can all burn in hell for all eternity.
Random hateable Non-Husker athletes over the years:
- Pete Rose: You cheated. You’re a degenerate gambler and most of all, you’re a slaping-judy punk who deserves to be standing in a gutter outside Cooperstown without a key. Oh yeah, he’s not very smart either…just admit it Pete…and remember Karma next time you call my hometown a “cow pasture” during the 1980 World Series.
- Michael Irvin: Same thing…thug, coked-up jackass who for some reason..is given a free-ride on TV in the mid 2000’s. He wasn’t even that great of a receiver is what gets me.
- Kobe Bryant: Feel free to pass the ball just once you ball-hogging dickhead.
- Scott Hewson (Bowling Green hockey forward in late 1990’s.) You cheap-shotting goon sonofabitch. I hope you’re enjoying your long career of bagging sewing supplies at the Toledo Pamida you prick.
- Howie Long: The whole fake GQ look is pathetic
- Former Mets 1B Keith Hernandez: God, shave that goofy-ass mustache and look more like a ball-player and less like a 1960’s porn star.
- The entire 1991 Duke Blue Devil Basketball team: Who DIDN’T hate that team? Seriously, has there ever been an easier college basketball team to root against? Funny thing is…I can’t really put my finger as to why..especially since most people respect and even like coach K.
- John Madden: UGH…would you shut the hell up already?!? Yeah “boom”…fat guys…hog mollies…we get it. We’ve always gotten it. It was old in 1983. Take your video game and that pansy-ass fear of flying with you when you go.
So what’s the point of all this? No point really. However, I challenge you to go back into your sports lifetime and tell me that you don’t have a similar list. Oh sure, I may have a blog dedicated to how butt-ass stupid it is to call yourself a “national power”, when you don’t even have the most national titles in your own conference. But regardless, villains and evil play a very important part of today’s sporting landscape.
Does it suck the Patriots are a shoe-in for the Super Bowl again? Absolutely. Is it good for sports in general? Absolutely. Without somebody to hate…we’d just be a spoiled, myopic, arrogant self-entitled group of fans with nothing but feigned respect and hidden jealousy of all competing teams.
well, kinda like you.