January 13, 2008

The Face of Evil

Last night was one of the few times, I actually had the time to sit down and watch a full football game (that didn't involve my own team.) Luckily, thanks to the beauty of HD, I was able to sit on my ass, and catch most of the Packers game and the Jacksonville vs. New England game in it’s entirety in spectacular 1080i.

A funny thing happened, as I lounged in giant double chair, with 50 inches of pure plasma bliss staring at me from 15 feet away….a feeling I’m well familiar with. Like a warm blanket, it covered me slowly at first, only to encompass my soul in a matter of minutes.

That feeling was hatred, and the team that did it was the New England Patriots.

Now I’ve railed on Boston fans before. If you’ve every been to New England, or God forbid have actually met one of these people, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. However, as easy as it is to rail on Boston Sports fan for being a super-sized asshole right about now…I realized something: The great thing about sports is not who we grow to love and support…but who we grow to hate.

I’m not going to lie to you…I was pulling for Jacksonville as if I was a lifelong northeast Florida native. On every Tom Brady pass, I thought to myself, “Get that weasel bastard”….and yet to no avail. By the end of the game, I was actually pissed off....pissed that it wasn’t my team who lost…but for the fact that evil triumphed again over karma and justice.

If you have two functioning eyeballs, it’s pretty obvious what team I find the most annoying and irritating in American sports. The Huskers are far and away the most vile, despicable, ego-driven, arrogant bastards God ever put under a bumpy piece of yellow foam. And yes, Kansas is a close second, with their snobbish, paranoid and self-centric view of the world, despite the fact they’ve won the same amount of National Titles as UTEP in the past 50+ years in basketball.

But who else is out there you ask? Just for the fun of it, I put together some of my most hated teams and athletes. Everybody has their list..whether deeply personal, or worn proudly on their sleeve. Again, these aren’t teams who broke my heart, like the 1995 UCLA Bruins (Tyus Edny…for God’s sake Warren STOP HIM!). I held nothing against them per say. I’m talking dynasties and teams alike who twisted that knob deep in your soul...the same knob that causes you to throw up a little in your mouth every time you see them on TV.

Teams:

#5 – The Chicago Cubs.
I’m not sure why, but I have ALWAYS hated the Cubs. I’m not sure if it was the annoying slobber of Harry Caray taking over my TV back in the day…completely pre-empting a perfectly good episode of Saved by the Bell, where I’m sure Kelly Kapowski’s body was fantastic and spectacular as usual. Ryne Sandburg, bleacher bums, WGN, Andre Dawson…all of them. And yes, I’ve been to Wrigley and no…I didn’t find it a magical place where dreams come true. It was like a bad frat party without the t-shirts in a 100 year old stadium with zero charm and even less personality.

#4 – The Boston Red Sox.
This has come on as late, mostly because I actually did feel sorry for them back in the day. I didn’t find it all that sad when Bill Buckner choked away the 86 series. However, as soon as the “poor downtrodden” Red Sox started spending $120 million dollars a year more than 5 major league teams…the whole sympathy thing went out the window. Also, you’ll never meet a more annoying group of know-it-alls than you will with Boston fans. No matter what you say…you could be the head of the Elias Sports Bureau, and some assclown Boston native will argue with you to the death about just about anything.

#3 – Chicago Bulls of the 1990’s.
Am I the only one on earth who hates Michael Jordan? I understand the guy was a great talent…by far one of the greatest talents the sports world has ever seen. But it didn’t take much effort to spot how being the greatest athlete on earth would turn you into an attention starved media-whore, who’s entire persona was undercut by a seedy gambling addiction…not to mention a pretty crappy family life. He’s a great player…but he’s also a fraud, a phony and extremely hatable. And don’t get me started on Scottie Pippen.

#2 – New York Yankees of the 1970’s
To this day, just the sight Reggie Jackson’s arrogant trot around the bases in a grainy highlight reel makes my blood boil. The fans, the players, the fact that they were all coked up….not to mention the most hated jackass of them all…Bill Martin…oozed evil. Bad guys, bad fans, bad people, bad karma.

#1 – Denver Broncos
Ask any red-blooded Kansas City fan what color would instantly boil the bile in their stomach, and they would immediately tell you the nauseating bright orange hue of shit known as the Denver Broncos. Whether from the biggest loud-mouth asshole of our time (Shannon Sharpe), a weasely jerk-off coach, delusional fans, smurfberry helmets or the grand poobah of hateable athletes…John Elway…the Broncos simply oozed evil. Three Amigos, Terrell Davis or that goddamn cheating Bill Romanowski…they can all burn in hell for all eternity.



Random hateable Non-Husker athletes over the years:

- Pete Rose: You cheated. You’re a degenerate gambler and most of all, you’re a slaping-judy punk who deserves to be standing in a gutter outside Cooperstown without a key. Oh yeah, he’s not very smart either…just admit it Pete…and remember Karma next time you call my hometown a “cow pasture” during the 1980 World Series.

- Michael Irvin: Same thing…thug, coked-up jackass who for some reason..is given a free-ride on TV in the mid 2000’s. He wasn’t even that great of a receiver is what gets me.

- Kobe Bryant: Feel free to pass the ball just once you ball-hogging dickhead.

- Scott Hewson (Bowling Green hockey forward in late 1990’s.) You cheap-shotting goon sonofabitch. I hope you’re enjoying your long career of bagging sewing supplies at the Toledo Pamida you prick.

- Howie Long: The whole fake GQ look is pathetic

- Former Mets 1B Keith Hernandez: God, shave that goofy-ass mustache and look more like a ball-player and less like a 1960’s porn star.

- The entire 1991 Duke Blue Devil Basketball team: Who DIDN’T hate that team? Seriously, has there ever been an easier college basketball team to root against? Funny thing is…I can’t really put my finger as to why..especially since most people respect and even like coach K.

- John Madden: UGH…would you shut the hell up already?!? Yeah “boom”…fat guys…hog mollies…we get it. We’ve always gotten it. It was old in 1983. Take your video game and that pansy-ass fear of flying with you when you go.


So what’s the point of all this? No point really. However, I challenge you to go back into your sports lifetime and tell me that you don’t have a similar list. Oh sure, I may have a blog dedicated to how butt-ass stupid it is to call yourself a “national power”, when you don’t even have the most national titles in your own conference. But regardless, villains and evil play a very important part of today’s sporting landscape.

Does it suck the Patriots are a shoe-in for the Super Bowl again? Absolutely. Is it good for sports in general? Absolutely. Without somebody to hate…we’d just be a spoiled, myopic, arrogant self-entitled group of fans with nothing but feigned respect and hidden jealousy of all competing teams.

Kinda like……..

well, kinda like you.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Corn Holed said...

I enjoyed you list, so i take it Matt Perrault isn't your favorite local sports talk show host?

OH &
Is it going to bug you a little if Callahan gets the O line Job at Kansas City?

9:31 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Not at all. Callahan earned my respect when he decided to stick it to the Huskers and their fans by not quitting and burning redshirts like they were duraflames.

I liked Perrault when he first started. But over the past year, he's been more confrontational and delusional in the name of ratings. Trust me..you can be brash, combative and condesending..you just don't have to be an ass about it.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

KC spiel was awesome. I have one tiny problem...do you know any other word than myopia or myopic? It makes you sound like a pretentious dick.

4:28 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Hey Tigger --

You would know about ass. It must be challenging to look at the world upside down and through your legs. I am comforted, however, by the knowledge that nothing obstructs your view.

By the way, have you seen the video of Chase Daniel picking his nose? I understand he chowed down. They must have a unique menu at the Missouri training table.

4:40 PM  
Blogger NE-Jhawk said...

I vote for Jimmy V.

Fuck him and everyone who looks like him.

Everytime someone dies young in sports they are fucking immortalized and given a 'foundation'....like that's supposed to make up for being an insufferable prick.

Wherever his estate keeps those pictures of Dickey V molesting children....they really need to give them back so we can all get some rest.

5:17 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

My blog has been overrun by KU pukes.

Oh yeah..your coach is big and fat.

(There, how's that? It's difficult for me to drop to your level of sophisticated smack talk, but I will try, because I'm a nice guy, and it's the off season.)

Oh, and 36-28.

Thanks,
AJ

PS - There are girls most likely holding numbers wiating for their turn outside Chase Daniel's dormroom. Like that kid gives a fuck what you think. He was a Heisman finalist and set multiple records at his school. You're commenting on an anti-Nebraska blog in January.

Scoreboard you.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Top NU questions left unanswered for 2008:- Is Bo Pelini as dumb as he looks? No, he’s actually a lot dumber, that slacked jawed, vacant stare is something he’s working on to be more “Nebraska” and endearing to his fans who have already anointed him the “messiah”, he had no idea what this word meant, and became upset thinking that he was labeled this because he didn’t tuck in his shirt, and had a glob of chipotle mayo on the collar. - Can Husker fan handle back-to-back losing seasons?- No. Suicide rates will triple in 08. The phrase “Baylor of the North” will be banned from being uttered by the Unicameral by late September. - Can Joe Ganz handle the pressure of being “the man”?- No, he’ll fake an injury in a move so eloquently acted people are immediately reminded of Al Czervik, he compounds this moment of bad acting be even saying really loudly “ My arm I think it’s busted!” and then proceeds to move it back and forth. - Who will be the next NU player to crack a girl in the face? A better question will be which one won’t, we’ll never know because the Lord Osborne is back, and I am sure his office is bigger this time around, and has more than enough room to hide damaging evidence. - How long with Tom Osborne keep his grubbing hands on the program?-FOREVER. He’ll be bronzed like a pair of baby shoes sitting on top of his horse Thunder right by the “tunnel” to the dump in Lincoln, mediums will be brought in on Friday nights to ask El Cid what plays to run the next day. Husker fans will not be creeped out by this in the least; they will scream that this makes them better than any program because they have tradition. Visiting fans ticket sales will drop immensely as normal people of the world will find this to be too damn creepy even for the hick nation. It’ll cost two dollars to have your picture taken in front of said statue; it makes enough money from Husker fans to pay for that train car over the interstate in Kearney 12 times over in it’s first year. - Will the sellout streak end on 10/25 when Baylor comes to town? Of COURSE it won’t, Husker fan looks at this as an opportunity to swindle people into liking them, they have serious issues with knowing that people dis-like them, and would never pass on an opportunity to look down on someone. They however don’t get the chance to applaud the losing team, as they hurl insults at the losing team walking off the field in their red and white uniforms. - Barney Cotton? Why? Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. Seriously, this guy looks like a date rapist, or the overly angry gym coach that walked around in the locker room with nothing but shoes and socks on reminding you to wash your 9th grade junk, and had special “relations” with more than one hot girl in high school. . - At what point does Husker Nation realize they have MAC talent and Miami goals? Never. We’re talking about Husker fans, reality is too big of a word and concept. - What month will Tom Shatel predict a Big 12 North title in 2008? Febuary, an an an an and eh eh eh every month fo fo fo following that.. - Will any NU receiver have more than 20 catches in 2008? Yes. At the rest area on east bound I-80 between Lincoln and Omaha. - Which NU defender will be praised like Jesus one minute, and booed the next week? All of them. - Will this blog make it to September without a sudden swell of myopia and insane expectations? Of course! Top Big 12 questions unanswered for 2008:- Does Colorado build on momentum? Hope so.- Can Ron Prince turn KSU around after a horrible end to the season? No. - Can Missouri handle top 5 expectations? I would honestly like to see them do it, but then again, you’re the Mizzou fan, you know what’s possible. - Will OU find a new way to piss a BCS bowl game down their legs? Hope so. - Will Texas actually try during every game, instead of taking a weekend off now and then? I see them going back to nothing. - Does Baylor even have a team? And why isn’t TCU or Arkansas in their place by now? Nebraska needs someone they can beat now and then, oh wait, scratch that. - Will Mike Gundy flip out again now that he’s 41? This hasn’t happened yet? - Which Texas Tech team shows up? The one who was destroyed @Mizzou or won a Jan 1 bowl? Seriously, I’ve been wondering this one too. What the heck is the deal with them?- Can Iowa State possibly get any worse? Yes, they could have big red “N”’s on their uniforms, and have a moronic fan base. - Can A&M finally buy some wins, despite hiring bad coaches over and over? Probably not. - And finally…how on earth can KU fan possibly build on this season? With their schedule and the laws of phyics, the chickens are looking at 6 wins max, which after a year of dodging good teams all season, will probably seem a bit of a downer. If the fat man decides to pack up his tent (that he’s using as a windbreaker) and leave Lawrence, you people are F’d in the A…and I don’t mean your usual Saturday night at the TAO house. I would enjoy watching this phony house of cards tumble like a bucket of turds as well.

Chase Daniel ate a booger? LIKE OMG! Next you'll tell me some news that Britney and K-fed are getting a divorce!

Dr. Buffenstien.

9:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you must hate NU please don't root for the fucking buffsex hippie colorado fucks. Remember they won a national title by completely fucking your tigers...we just got a lucky bounce from the kitties and a split championship with Michican't (who actually apparently can after beating the gators and their meathead QB). Have a wonderful Jan..you win this year.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I just left 200 comments I'm sorry. It's that good Nebraska education.

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Denver Broncos number 1 on the hate list? You broke my heart, Fredo. You broke my heart.

Oh well, at least we can still share in hatred of the Makovicka family name. Go Buffs!

11:13 PM  
Anonymous corn holed said...

AJ

I think you should have a 40 word limit to all Anonymous posters.

& I'm a little corfused. is eatin boogers wrong?

Believe me if you have ever eaten at a fast food place you've ingested a lot of boogers.

8:48 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Normally I would, but one of those long comments was Buffenstein, and he's a longtime reader and Husker hater himself. He gets more leeway than some of the others.

But a good idea nonetheless. Then again, I think in 500+ posts, I've only rejected maybe 10 comments.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Billy Bear said...

Dr. Buffenstein...very funny but lighten up on the red bull, big guy...

Broncos #1 hurts me too...but the comment re: Bill Romo is right on...kinda surprised he's not a bugeater grad...

Hliarious as always AJ...

Now as a buff fan, I must suffer thru B-Ball season...we will probably lose to the bugeaters tonite in boulder... at least tix will be cheap and plentiful...

11:42 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Let the record show, that despite my disdain and hatred of the Broncos, I still feel a kinship with the Buffs and their fans.

Despite our differences, I stand with you, united in the fight against annoying and arrogant pricks dressed in red.

12:09 PM  
Blogger HucktheFuskers said...

Anonymous,

Every once in awhile, you stumble across a word that fits a person or group of persons so well that you just can't help but to use it. For instance, you hear the word assholes and you automatically think Jayhawks.

Myopic would be the word that overwhelming describes Nebraska football fans.

Don't call AJ names just because he chooses to use this word. You should just be thankful that he expresses himself monosyllabically enough for you Cornholers to understand.

2:37 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm pretty sure that was the first time the word, "monosyllabically " was used on this blog in any way, shape or form.

Props to you.

7:12 PM  
Anonymous davepowers said...

great job by a great writer

as for me

new york yankees
boston celtics
southern cal
the russian basketball team that won the olympics against over the hill hank iba's us team way back win via repeat 'mulligan'
referees
I'm sure there are more if i think about it

keep up the good work

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

huckthefuskers

Myopic isn't monosyllabic (it has three syllables in case your counting skills are as bad as your grammar skills). My point was that if you use a word like myopic while trying to prove a point to a fanbase that you repeatedly label as ignorant, stupid and backwards it makes you sound pretentious. All pretentious people in my book are dicks...hence the dick label I gave him. holla!

4:50 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

The weapon of confusion.

I admire that.

7:09 PM  

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