Viva Las Vegas

God it was nice to get away from the world for a while. When you’re run-down and kinda bitter at the world….when you’re sick and tired of the daily grind, where is the one place you can go to relax and let your cares slip away as you revitalize your inner-psyche?

Vegas of course.

5 days and a $00 contribution to the local Las Vegas economy later…I’m back and feeling better than ever. Thanks for sticking with me, because to be honest..it was getting pretty tough to come up with new and exciting ways to laugh at Husker nation. Luckily, spending 5 days in Sin City and the end of the college football season was just the cure for me to pick right back up and jump in where I left off. Where should I begin?

* Husker fans…before you even get going…STOP comparing your team to LSU and taking ½ credit for LSU’s complete and total hypothetical “National Championship”. If ever there was a year for them to crown NO ONE as National champs..this would be it. Hell, they used to split national titles (you would know about that wouldn’t you?)…why not just say, “Nobody deserves this…especially a team who beat a crappy OSU team at home after losing at HOME to a 5-loss Arkansas team”? Wouldn’t that be more appropriate?

Regardless of all that, nice to see Husker fans puffing out their chests this morning, upbeat about holding the offensive juggernaut that is the Ohio State Buckeyes to a miniscule 24 points. For some reason, the hick nation is infatuated with a guy with zero head coaching experience…zero credibility (why hasn’t he had a head coaching job before this one?) and even less personality. Don’t get me wrong..I’m thrilled that things have turned out this way…especially since the avalanche of decommitments is ongoing at a frantic pace. However, your unrelenting passion to overestimate the underwhelming will keep me going another year.

Do you idiots have any idea just how bad you were this past year? Do you realize it’s been about 8 months since you played last? You lost to Oklahoma State and Texas A&M…at home…badly. You came within a bounced ball off the helmet of losing to Ball State. (Who was blown out last week by a 5 loss Rutgers team)…also at home.

And yet THIS GUY is going to lead you back? The best part is…to most of you..the road “back” isn’t even going to take that much time. I could at least buy that argument…in that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s like the pied piper of stupidity is just leading you right back down the same path you traveled…and again, you’re just too damn stupid to notice. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so yet again anytime in the next 3-4 years.

Bomyopia ™ officially starts today.

* Nice to see KU and OU fans starting to fire back at me on a regular basis. And yes..to answer your question..there is plenty of hate to go around. I would comment on the KU game from the other night….but I spent most of the evening getting sprayed with seltzer water from 30 feet away by busty women dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly in Vegas. From the sounds of the descriptions of Va Tech’s slug-like offense and idiotic coaching decisions...I’m guessing I had a better time than any of you did…including you Biff and Muffy who just got back from South Beach wearing your blue and red sweater tied around your waist.

* Speaking of Vegas, this was the first time I’ve ever spent any quality time in Sin City. A few thoughts that come to mind now that my trip is over.

First, why are there 800 versions of Cirque du Soleil on the strip? Do I really need three different flavors of some skank dressed in red body paint, hanging from a chrome globe, spinning around a 4 inch deep pool of water? Why do I need flames shooting out of a giant road cone, as techno blasts through my seat at 800dbs? Who watches this crap? Who decided this was worth $160 a ticket?

Don’t get me wrong…I went to Branson a couple of years ago, and I’d watch a group of squirrels performing the first three acts of Fiddler on the Roof than watch Ray Stevens run around wearing a blue sequence blazer and sing “The Streak” for the 900,000,000th time in a row. And yes, when you step off the plane, and see some showgirl in a thong shake her ass on a 50 foot HDTV suspended above the baggage claim…that’s pretty cool. But still, there is a fine line between glitzy adult entertainment…and extremely annoying and over-the-top asinine.

Also, can somebody tell me why they don’t put a big sign on the front door of the casino that says, “We are going to take your money.” Just splatter it right across the front door…paste it to every single craps table. Do people actually win playing those things? I haven’t wasted $75 that fast since I bought that Tyson vs. Spinks fight during the early 90's. And yes, the free drinks are pretty cool…but for every hot scantily clad waitress walking through there, there were 10 fat and pasty D-squad waitresses hauling around trays while battling severe cases of gout and black-lung disease.

And hey Luxor hotel and casino…why in the HELL would you splatter Carrot Top’s face all over town? Wasn’t that guy the brunt of jokes on a global scale like 5 years ago? Has he gotten that much more funny? Over the past few years, has he somehow dropped gears from incredibly irritating down to mildly exasperating? And no, you can’t throw up three bimbo’s in g-strings next to him to make going to his show sound any more appealing. It’s bad enough you threw a giant vodka bottle ad on the side of one of the coolest buildings on earth..now you have to insult my intelligence by trying to trick me into spending $100 bucks on Carrot Top tickets? No thanks. I’m going to go spend my cash to watch Louie Anderson tell fat jokes from the 1980’s at the Excalibur...that's entertainment.

As most of you probably know...it's not like there is anything else to do there despite these annoyances. One thing I was looking forward to was the dirt cheap restaurants and meals. I mean hell, if I’m going to go broke, and be subjected to Patty the corset-wearing waitress’s varicose veins…I’m going to at least get fat dumb and happy on low-cost buffet chicken wings right? Wrong. Somewhere between the early 90’s and today, somebody decided that portly and pasty vacationers from upstate Wisconsin will pay $18.99 for the super buffet at the Rio…just as easily as they used to throw down $4.99. I’m not an economist by any means…but with the number of casinos and resorts growing by 800% over the past 10 years...shouldn’t the laws of competition dictate that the cost of some goods and services should actually drop due? How does this happen?

Despite all that, we had a great time. I also ran into one of my new favorite people in all the world…21 year old punk-ass New Yorkers on vacation. Now I’ve been to New York City, Jersey, Buffalo and everywhere in between. I’ve seen east coast mentality up close, including a memorable trip to the Meadowlands, where I met angry New Jersey Devils fans and their ability to live up to every single stereotype ever portrayed by man.

However, standing in line behind Vinnie, Joey and Fat Tony as they did their best Lenny and Squiggy impressions was nearly too much to bear as they turned their heads in unison at every passing girl who crossed their line of sight. Look, I understand my pasty-white cracker ass is probably the poster-child for Midwestern soybean byproducts everywhere..but good lord, is it necessary to make up nicknames for yourselves and talk about yourself in third person for 5 straight minutes?

Bad 70’s TV has improperly stereotyped New Yorkers and little asshats like this as some sort of rough and tumble poster-child for the inner city grittiness of the east coast. Yet I’m pretty sure my cup of fries from Del Taco had less grease per square inch than that little bastard’s nugget…and yes, I had a good view because Joe Peche junior and his buddies were between 5’6 and 5’8.

I realize that Vegas is one of the top vacation destinations of dipshit New Yorkers, balding middle-age business men from Germany and just about everybody in between. But isn’t there some way we can incorporate some sort of screening process to keeping some of these annoying jackasses? But then again, I’m guessing that 900,000 square foot fountain in front of the Bellagio didn’t pay for itself. The more I think about it, I’m sure I made a nice interest payment for them before skipping town.

Great to be back. You still suck.

Big 12 Year-in-Review coming up this week.

AJ