This is what happens when your football team is so butt-ass awful, that I’ve been reduced to blogging about the comparison between your football team to a braided fat-ass has-been who used to be a rock icon and now snorts glue from the baseboard of a motel in Tarzana. Oklahoma State has never done anything to me…yet I compared them to the goddamn Backstreet Boys? The Backstreet Boys?!?!!?
What the hell is wrong with me?
For those of you who STILL don’t “get it”, let this be a stark reminder of just how hard it is to blast a team that absolutely NOBODY gives a shit about. Nobody cares. Nobody follows you. Nobody checks in anymore to see how you are handling decades worth of success. Do you know how fucking hard it is to make people actually BELIEVE that you are a threat to absolutely anyone? Does yesterday's column give you some sort of clue as to how far you have fallen?
For TWENTY years, I was the person my friends came to first whenever the Huskers won yet another Big 8 title. For TWENTY years, I would receive anonymous letters in the mail, telling me I wasn't accepted for Husker season tickets. For TWENTY years, "Hail Varsity" mysteriously found it's way on my answering machine after I'd been out of town. For TWENTY years, I was the one that people sent their snobby voice mails to after another huge Husker win.
“Hey AJ, How bout them Huskersssss!!!! WOOOOOOOO!”
And now this? Bowling for Soup? What the fuck?
The worst part is…if I don’t care, then who the hell does? Average Texas fans? Colorado fans? KU fans? UN-Kearney fans? Nobody, and I mean nobody is scared of you. Nobody fears you. Nobody recognizes you as the greatest fans God ever put on earth. They’ve seen through your bullshit, just as I have for the better part of two decades. Gone are the days were people actually envied you for the class and dignity you brought to a sometimes unsavory game.
You’re now the punch line to every joke ever told. You're the team that opposing teams now schedule for homecoming. You're the team some backup scrub from Texas Tech will get extra tickets to come see, just so his family will watch him get tons of playing time. To put it in perspective...your vaunted blackshirts?...one of your most prized possessions....your pride and joy...your source of strength and stamina to unleash on the world? They gave up SEVENTY SIX POINTS….TO KANSAS.
READ THAT AGAIN!
Seriously, how much lower could you possibly sink? (Perhaps for my next post, I could compare Big 12 teams to Dora the Explorer characters?) I mean, is there anything else that can be done to destroy one shred of your past glory? Would a 10-2 season help? .500? Well guess what Ernie….10-2 is 2000 light years away. It aint in sight. It aint coming. It's a pipe dream...an enigma..a mirage.
I swear, I’ve been pissed at you people before…but never like this. You ruined, one of the best blogging gigs there ever was. Do you have any idea what my world USED to be like? I’m not even talking all that long ago. A friend of mine actually wrote a SONG once to describe just how great the Huskers were compared to my team..and it had multiple verses. I once stood on the floor of Sidetracks after another humiliating Mizzou loss. That snaggle-toothed, foul-mouthed, piano playing bitch led hundreds of people in a chorus of “The Missouri Pecker” for at least 15 straight minutes, as I had to just stand there and take it.
I’ve been mentally tortured by you assholes for as long as I can remember. I’ve never known life outside of a constant struggle to tear your world completely down and watch you suffer in the bowels of hell. Feeling warm yet? Actually…I did one better, because not only is your team 3 millimeters from being worst than Ball State right now…my own team finished #4 in the country, and actually won the National Title according to one of the BCS computers.
Vanilla Ice? The Killers?!?
In this titanic... disaster of a year...this may be your biggest victory.
You have made one last successful push into the Ardennes...without even realizing it. I have run out of bullets. There is absolutely nothing more I can say to sting you. Oh sure, I’ve lasted long beyond others. Most people outside of this state look back fondly on your games with a bong-like haze. “What ever happened to that Nebraska team? Didn’t they go 1AA or have get the death penalty or something?” Opponents who once feared to tread inside your cathedral of sport, now simply mock you for being nothing more than a second-rate ag school with an expanded intramural football program. An easy victory. An automatic win.
Obviously, I can no longer go forward bashing a program that is blip on anybody’s radar. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now? Do a “separated at birth” column? Should I go back to being pissed off about UNO hockey? That’s fine too, but I can only make the same 6,000 people care only so much. (Fire Mike Kemp now)
Start a Mizzou blog you say?
The Husker hating business has indeed dried up, and it may be about time to close up shop...claim victory..and move on. And you know what? If that’s the case…
And most of all…I never liked you.
Fuck you guys. I hope you rot in hell for all eternity, because YOU deserve it more than any group of people on earth. Someday, when some kid at Bill Gates Digital University on Saturn looks up “Karma” in his digital virtual encyclopedia..there’s going to be a picture of you fucking idiots…probably doing something stupid, like sprinting through the gates at a spring games.
This is what happens when you mess with karma…..
Nobody hates San Jose State….
And nobody just left the building.