January 18, 2008

Checkmate

This is what you’ve made me stoop to. I hope you're happy.

This is what happens when your football team is so butt-ass awful, that I’ve been reduced to blogging about the comparison between your football team to a braided fat-ass has-been who used to be a rock icon and now snorts glue from the baseboard of a motel in Tarzana. Oklahoma State has never done anything to me…yet I compared them to the goddamn Backstreet Boys? The Backstreet Boys?!?!!?


What the hell is wrong with me?

For those of you who STILL don’t “get it”, let this be a stark reminder of just how hard it is to blast a team that absolutely NOBODY gives a shit about. Nobody cares. Nobody follows you. Nobody checks in anymore to see how you are handling decades worth of success. Do you know how fucking hard it is to make people actually BELIEVE that you are a threat to absolutely anyone? Does yesterday's column give you some sort of clue as to how far you have fallen?

For TWENTY years, I was the person my friends came to first whenever the Huskers won yet another Big 8 title. For TWENTY years, I would receive anonymous letters in the mail, telling me I wasn't accepted for Husker season tickets. For TWENTY years, "Hail Varsity" mysteriously found it's way on my answering machine after I'd been out of town. For TWENTY years, I was the one that people sent their snobby voice mails to after another huge Husker win.

“Hey AJ, How bout them Huskersssss!!!! WOOOOOOOO!”

And now this? Bowling for Soup? What the fuck?

The worst part is…if I don’t care, then who the hell does? Average Texas fans? Colorado fans? KU fans? UN-Kearney fans? Nobody, and I mean nobody is scared of you. Nobody fears you. Nobody recognizes you as the greatest fans God ever put on earth. They’ve seen through your bullshit, just as I have for the better part of two decades. Gone are the days were people actually envied you for the class and dignity you brought to a sometimes unsavory game.


Nobody envies you.

Nobody claims you as their own.

Nobody picks you as a dark horse to win it all.

No one.

You’re now the punch line to every joke ever told. You're the team that opposing teams now schedule for homecoming. You're the team some backup scrub from Texas Tech will get extra tickets to come see, just so his family will watch him get tons of playing time. To put it in perspective...your vaunted blackshirts?...one of your most prized possessions....your pride and joy...your source of strength and stamina to unleash on the world? They gave up SEVENTY SIX POINTS….TO KANSAS.

READ THAT AGAIN!

76 points
Kansas

1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12..13..14..15..16..17..18..19..20..21..22..23..24..25..


26..27..28..29..30..31..32..33..34..35..36..37..38..39..40..41..42..43..44..45..46..


47..48..49..50..51..52..53..54..55..56..57..58..59..60..61..62..63..64..65..66..67..68..


69..70..71..72..73..74..75


76

To Kansas?!?!

Seriously, how much lower could you possibly sink? (Perhaps for my next post, I could compare Big 12 teams to Dora the Explorer characters?) I mean, is there anything else that can be done to destroy one shred of your past glory? Would a 10-2 season help? .500? Well guess what Ernie….10-2 is 2000 light years away. It aint in sight. It aint coming. It's a pipe dream...an enigma..a mirage.


You’re now banking on an unproven assistant coach who you “hope” will be a home run hire. THIS is going to be the guy to lead you from perdition? THIS is who the rest of the college football world should tremble in fear to? Meanwhile, more contemporary football powers like say…Arkansas…are wheeling and dealing to do whatever it takes to get them ahead in the coaching sweepstakes.

For the love of God, you hired Barney Cotton this fall.

I swear, I’ve been pissed at you people before…but never like this. You ruined, one of the best blogging gigs there ever was. Do you have any idea what my world USED to be like? I’m not even talking all that long ago. A friend of mine actually wrote a SONG once to describe just how great the Huskers were compared to my team..and it had multiple verses. I once stood on the floor of Sidetracks after another humiliating Mizzou loss. That snaggle-toothed, foul-mouthed, piano playing bitch led hundreds of people in a chorus of “The Missouri Pecker” for at least 15 straight minutes, as I had to just stand there and take it.

I’ve been mentally tortured by you assholes for as long as I can remember. I’ve never known life outside of a constant struggle to tear your world completely down and watch you suffer in the bowels of hell. Feeling warm yet? Actually…I did one better, because not only is your team 3 millimeters from being worst than Ball State right now…my own team finished #4 in the country, and actually won the National Title according to one of the BCS computers.


Will it EVER get better than this? Will there ever be a season where I EVER hold the upper hand more than I do now?

Vanilla Ice? The Killers?!?

In this titanic... disaster of a year...this may be your biggest victory.

You have made one last successful push into the Ardennes...without even realizing it. I have run out of bullets. There is absolutely nothing more I can say to sting you. Oh sure, I’ve lasted long beyond others. Most people outside of this state look back fondly on your games with a bong-like haze. “What ever happened to that Nebraska team? Didn’t they go 1AA or have get the death penalty or something?” Opponents who once feared to tread inside your cathedral of sport, now simply mock you for being nothing more than a second-rate ag school with an expanded intramural football program. An easy victory. An automatic win.

Obviously, I can no longer go forward bashing a program that is blip on anybody’s radar. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now? Do a “separated at birth” column? Should I go back to being pissed off about UNO hockey? That’s fine too, but I can only make the same 6,000 people care only so much. (Fire Mike Kemp now)

Start a Mizzou blog you say?

Nope, too many good ones there..and besides…when I live up here in college football Siberia, how the hell am I supposed to keep better track of the team than the beat writers at the Columbia Tribune, or Gabe DeArmond and the guys at Power Mizzou? Am I supposed to go toe to toe with them? They're getting interviews with coaches and players...traveling on the team plane..and I had trouble finding a goddamn parking pass to the Ole Miss game.

The Husker hating business has indeed dried up, and it may be about time to close up shop...claim victory..and move on. And you know what? If that’s the case…


Good.


I never fucking like you idiot hayseed pricks anyway. You and your delusions of glory, your claim that a college football team is part of your soul, your lame-ass , your pussy fans, your annoying fight song, your stiff, porn-hating, snore inducing former coach who doesn’t have ½ the personality of Orville Redenbacher. I never liked your media members. I never liked your players. I never liked your school colors, your mascot, your radio announcers or your fight song.

And most of all…I never liked you.

Fuck you guys. I hope you rot in hell for all eternity, because YOU deserve it more than any group of people on earth. Someday, when some kid at Bill Gates Digital University on Saturn looks up “Karma” in his digital virtual encyclopedia..there’s going to be a picture of you fucking idiots…probably doing something stupid, like sprinting through the gates at a spring games.

This is what happens when you mess with karma…..
Karma wins.

Nobody hates San Jose State….

And nobody just left the building.

AJ

21 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, OCD. Sound familiar? College football season is over. I'm not even a Nebraska fan, and I can see you're obsessed with them. Time to give up hopes on banging the ex-girlfriend just because you have a new girlfriend that's not as pretty and not as fun to fuck. Move on.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww...so your just going to quit after one bad season? I'd figure you'd stick around for 'train wreck of the year...of the century: part deux' come August '08. Where else am I going to get my free-based crazy diatribes in the future? Bear Meat? Big12 War Blog? EDSBS?

I'm sad to see you go, but I like watching you leave.

Also, "my own team finished #4 in the country, and actually won the National Title according to one of the BCS computers." Holy shit! They actually won a percentage of the title. That's great man! The drought of Missouri's futility in winning NCAA titles has been lifted! You should print that and frame it and send it to Pinkel himself to celebrate with all the other folks in Columbia. Shoot for the stars!!!

12:23 AM  
Anonymous ohf said...

so youre stopping the blog? im confused, was this is a pathetic cry for attention, or is the blog done? let me know.

ohf

2:38 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

I find it funny tha OHF is NOWHERE to be found for a year..yet as soon as he reads this, he comes running right back.

That's hilarious (Especially at 2:38am). And it means whatever you think it means.

Oh, and I just said they were NAMED a National Champion because of the ridiculousness of it all...not because I claimed it.

Dumbass

PS - Oh and by the way...look up the actually definition of obsessive compulsive dissorder. Not that I expect some anonymous douche to know what it truly means...why by the way has more to do with having the exact same number of dishes in your dishwasher before you turn it on, than it does being annoyed by idiot fans 24/7 of a certain team.

Nice going Freud

6:22 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

By the way kids...what word was not used in this column? That should hold some of you off in a stumpped daze for at least 4 days.

6:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AJ:

I know of a pretty good mental hospital in Kearney, Nebr. You could fly in get some treatment and fly out without anyone knowing.

Then you can keep your job, family, friends and have a more stable life.

Hell, you would even go home still being a Tiger fan. Only thing the would never in 20 years give you season tickets.

Fred

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CORN RIDDEN SHIT GUY WHEN AJ MOST NEEDS HIM.

gbr, gfy

9:58 AM  
Blogger HucktheFuskers said...

AJ,

You can't leave, man. Not like this. You make it sound like the Cornholers have pushed you to this. If so, then they've won.

Jackass "anonymous" poster, what's this shit I'm reading on some Cornholer message board about Nebraska sharing a piece of LSU's BCS title just because their new coach used to be the D-Coordinator there? That's desperate, pathetic and everything that is wrong with you fuckers.

I never understood all of the anonymous posters anyway. Pick a handle we can recognize you by, I'm sure the name Skeeter has already been taken, so you'll have to find another.

Back to AJ. You can't go, man. You can't go. Where will you vent? What do you want to do, wait until they sink farther and then drop by to rub it in? That doesn't sound like you, that sounds more like them. This is the only Nebraska themed site that you won't be kicked off for non-conformity.

You have to rethink this, AJ.






Myopic

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Handles are for nerds said...

Hey, I'm sorry you didn't get my comment but I was citing the 'ridiculousness' of you trying to use BCS computer polls as some form of smack talk (which was pretty lame...even for you).

Also, huckthefuskers (real original btw) I have no doubt that some Husker fans have alluded to the fact that they think we 'own' part of the title. Fact of the matter is they should be made fun of if they ever set foot in here and start spouting that tripe. However, what I find "desperate and pathetic" is a Missouri fan trolling around a Husker blog looking for dumbshit smack to talk about here.

P.S. What's the point a having a handle? Are you ever going to recognize me on the streets of Omaha anyway? Are you the one in charge of roll here @ HHVOTW? How about you create a more original handle yourself then we'll talk.

12:30 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

It wasn't "smack talk" you douche...it was in comparison to making a valid point. It's called an anaolgy and it's something that's probably over your head.

Thanks for the lecture though. And "trolling around a Husker blog?"

Uhhhh...excuse me? This is a "Husker blog"? Don't give yourself quite so much credit there Gomer. The point of the whole post was, it's not even worth blasting you people because you've been exposed as fraud and idiots.

The rest, you can read into it what you want to read into it. I'm not the one "wasting my time" replying to me either.

12:40 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Oh and PS....Kearney sucks. I wouldn't trust them to remove a splinter, let alone world-class mental health care.

You should get out more.

12:40 PM  
Anonymous AJ fan for life said...

AJ -- You can't bail, man. Just look at the smack the Nubbies are still talking. Look at all the Bo t-shirts. Look at the photoshop pix of Uncle Tom and Big Bad Bo as super heros, Madonna and child and some sort of Bishop floating around on blogs. The material is out there. It's too easy. You are a great writer. Keep the faith.

9:50 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I appreciate the kind and not-so-kind comments.

You'll notice that like many films..no door has been closed here. In fact, nothing has really ended.

Read again if you have to.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bo Pelini....how big of a JOKE is this hire....holy cow I can barely type this without laughing. And Husjer fans are actually happy with his hire cuase they are sheep and the local media tells them it is good....LMAO

1:35 AM  
Anonymous ohf said...

i was here. we just sucked, so i had nothing to say. but i found your ramblings hilarious. i wasnt gone for a year either, your material just sucked. i dont give a crap if youre done writing this blog, your material was old 2 years ago. good luck in the future.

ohf

2:08 AM  
Blogger NE-Jhawk said...

Hey I've got an idea for your condition. Maybe, and follow me here, it would help if your school was good at more than one sport at a time.

Just a thought.

Night night slaver. It's beddy-bye time. See you in September.

(oh and for the record. don't back down. even if you DO take a break, you're shit is priceless)

8:51 AM  
Anonymous afriend said...

A J, Perhaps a cup of warm(not hot)
cocoa will make you feel better.

A friend

10:50 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

ohf - that's the most pathetic, horrific, pussified excuse I've EVER heard in my life.

"I have nothing to say." "Your stuff was old 2 years ago".

Yet somehow, you chime in when your team is done receiving thunderous colon-poundings on a weekly basis?

And you call ME weak?

Pfffffft.

PS - KU sucks gigantic horse sack.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tiger Gary says.......

AJ...keep the faith brother....after this weekend, recruitng will pick up....Barney and Bo will be handing out scholarships like Chicklets to blond lads named Micah from Grand Island and Olaf from Bellevue, thus wresting them away from the clutches of S Dakota St and Kearney St and the like...

Cries of Order Restored, gbr, and wondering if '08 will bring #6 or merely another Big XII championship will ring out....

you have plenty of work to do....

9:57 PM  
Anonymous kcfarmer said...

Did Nebraska Jayhawk just say he will see us in September? Don't we play them in Novemeber? Or was that just general football smack talk? Coming from a Gayhawk?

10:25 AM  
Blogger NE-Jhawk said...

No I was refering to the fact that Mizzou fan gets all lippy Sept - Dec....then goes back in his fucking hole.

Its kind of the whole point of this fucking post of his. Sure he says he dosn't see the point in ripping on you guys anymore...but I think he's tired because he dosn't have a thing to look forward to until September. Unless you count one more ass-raping in Allen Fieldhouse later this year something to look forward to...

3:06 PM  

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