Rock Til Ya Drop
However, while driving in my car the other day, (after turning off hour #94 straight of Husker recruiting talk)…something clicked in my head. Actually, about 50 ideas in my head...so many that I had to break down and do this.
As many of you have seen, sometime college football bloggers come up with funny “comparison blogs”. You know what I’m talking about.
“What if Big 10 teams were cars?”
“What if top 25 teams were candy bars?”
“What if Big 12 teams were Mike Tyson Punch-out characters?”
But what some of these guys have missed is the obvious. Sure, cars, candy bars and Mike Tyson’s punch-out all have their place in the hearts and minds of our generation. A lot of those blogs were also really funny. However, what they have missed is the connection to the obvious. Something so blatant…that it just SCREAMS for me to do it.
So since it’s the off-season, and absolutely NOTHING is going on but the constant obsession of the thought patterns of 17 year old football players…I present to you the following:
What if Big 12 Football Programs were Bands?
Texas Longhorns = The Killers
- Up until midsummer last year, you couldn't’t go 5 feet in this country without seeing some sort of flashy MTV push toward retro-pop music. The Killers are young, flashy, popular and hip…much like the Longhorns. They sell tons of records, and generally hold the attention of the entire music world every time they speak. But just like the Longhorns, if you actually watch them, you ALWAYS tell yourself the same thing. “Aren’t these guys supposed to be really good?” “Why is everybody telling me how talented they are? Are you sure this is them?"
Oklahoma Sooners = U2
- Icons from decades ago through today, just when you think U2 is going to slink away into oblivion in the mid 90's (with such horrible songs as Discoteque,) they bounce back better than ever...only to remind you that they are one of the most powerful bands around. Like the Irish icons, the Sooners have been a power for decades. Every now and then, they go into a quick freefall for a few years. But in the end, their staying power and ability to change with the times, keeps them on top.
Missouri Tigers = The Atari’s
- The Atari’s, are a pop-punk band from the Pacific Northwest that have been toiling around in music mediocrity for over a decade. Then, just as the Missouri Tigers of 2007, suddenly hit the big time with their cover of Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer”. Instead of playing clubs the size of a mini-van, the band found themselves performing at MLB’s All-Star game and other huge events. Then suddenly, they dropped back into obscurity, never to be seen again. Come to think of it…I really hope I’m wrong on this one. Guess we’ll see.
Kansas Jayhawks = Vanilla Ice
- More joke than serious artist, Robert Van Winkle parlayed smooth white-boy dance moves into a 3-month music sensation. The guy was everywhere, and you couldn’t turn on a radio on this planet without marveling at his catchy rhymes and instant star-status. However, Rob wasn’t meant for stardom, and followed up his dream year by acting like a complete jackass. After pretty much failing in everything else he ever attempted, Vanilla (Much like KU) spends his time these days telling cameras how great he used to be, while never really accomplishing anything but that one lone summer in the sun.
Colorado Buffaloes = R.E.M.
- I’ll be honest, lots of people hate R.E.M, for being freaky, dirty, mouthy and a little bit off-centric. However, if you ever heard them do an acoustic set, you’ll notice that they’re actually pretty damn talented at what they do. This is another band who has a decent history of success, who tends to fade in and out of the mainstream. The only real different between R.E.M. though, is that Dan Hawkins doesn’t smell like week and do public service ads to tell me how to vote. (At least I don’t think he does)
Kansas State Wildcats = Bon Jovi
- I’ll be honest, I like Bon Jovi. Sure, nobody wants to be associated with them because they represent everybody’s feather-haired jean-jacket glory days. Yet, you still have to give Bon Jovi credit for still going out there and trying to make a mark in modern music. Sure, you’ll always remember John in tight denim, singling “Shot to the heart, and you’re to blame”…(And being ranked #1 in 1998) but those days are long gone. Deep down, you cheer for Bon Jovi to find that spark once again…yet much like KSU, they are a victim of their own success, as they continue to be the poster-child of days gone by.
Iowa State Cyclones = Living Colour
- Most people don’t realize that Living Colour continues to tour, packing small bars and clubs around the world. An 80’s one hit wonder (Cult of Personality), the band keeps pushing on, doing what they love to do. The Clones are also known for one magical season with Senaca Wallace at the helm, slicing through defenses, as fans across the country asked themselves, “Wow, these guys are good..who the hell are they?”. Yet, like the band, could never catch that spark again, as they toil in obscurity, opening for Warrant at a county fair near you.
Baylor Bears = Morbid Saint
- Who is Morbid Saint? Only the best hard core garage band Sheboygan Wisconsin Ever knew. Playing shows at various Wisconsin pizza parlors and coffee houses in front of 20 friends and family, this fun-loving group of high-school chums fit into this list about as well as the Bears do in the Big 12. (Rumor has it, they even got signed) From a talent and exposure standpoint, even Vanilla Ice would make fun of them. (If he could tell who the hell they were). And yes, Morbid Saint was a real band and yes, they’re from Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
Texas Tech Red Raiders = Bowling for Soup
- If you’ve never seen Bowling for Soup in person, I’d highly recommend it. From Wichita Falls, this fun-loving band puts on a great show that is energetic, entertaining and a damn treat to watch. Unfortunately, like Mike Leach’s program, a wacky offense and inability to win games away from home, Bowling for Soup has pretty much capped all of their marketability by covering cartoon jingles and Disney records. One might wonder how far these guys could go, if they just stayed true to themselves and stopped trying to be different. Either way, neither of them are boring to watch.
Texas A*M Aggies = Dixie Chicks
- No one can argue the Dixie Chicks success or ability to sell records. Much like the Aggies, their southern charm and natural charisma has allowed them to create their music freely, and target whatever audience (or recruits) they choose, with moderate success. Unfortunately, they are both prone to making butt-ass stupid decisions by using piss poor judgment. Just as the decision to hire coach Fran was a major mistake, Natalie Maines’ inability to see a backlash coming while insulting President Bush (while 99% of her audience is hard-core conservatives) has kept her group from reaching even higher goals. That next step is out there for either group, but you have to wonder if either has the smarts to make it.
Oklahoma State Cowboys = Backstreet Boys
- Armed with big money at their backs, the Backstreet Boys lived their lives with an inferiority complex, as a nearby outfit collected huge hit and buckets of wins. Despite N*Sync’s popularity on the pop circuit, Backstreet tried to everything to catch their nemesis…usually to no avail. In the end, the group imploded under bad leadership, as handlers tried to take them above and beyond their means. Sure some songs were catchy, but failure is an inevitability when constantly compared with a rival.
Nebraska Cornhuskers = Guns and Roses
- And no, not the 1987 Guns and Roses who were quite possibly the greatest rock band in history. I'm taking the new Guns and Roses…armed with one of the greatest pedigrees in rock & roll, Axl Rose took an iconic name with a storied past, and drove it completely into the ground. His inability to appreciate the fruits of his own success, pissed off those around him, as he was left alienated, out of shape and beyond repair. At 900lbs, Axl today is constantly trying to reinvent himself and the band (without the other 4 members). Despite the fact that time and better days have long since passed him by, Axl goes on trying, seemingly unknowing of the spectacle he's making of himself. Toiling in complete obscurity for years, observers can only guess when he next reappears, only to embarrass himself and tarnish his legacy of an all-time great even further.