Cold Hard Truths - 5 Reasons NU will suck in 2008

Part of me is really sorry that it took so long to write a new column. The other half really doesn’t give a damn, because it really doesn't matter. The off-season of nothingness continues across the cold plains. Meanwhile, the scarlet cockroaches continue to try and organize a comeback. In the meantime, there continues to be absolutely nothing going on worth mentioning.

Husker baseball? Beat Kearney. Whoopie doo, nice to see NU do what schools like Peru State have done.

Husker basketball? Props on the big moral victory over Texas. They probably still don’t know what hit them?

Nope, we’re going to have to get creative to keep my attention. (Yes, I said “MY” attention, because quite frankly, I’m more bored with the same old “Husker suck…yeah we know” stuff over and over. ) However, as I read yet another bizarre e-mail from a particular Husker-loving freak/friend I have…I began to realize that the monster...although completely invisible is stirring. Somewhere…below the scorched and charred crust of the earth, I can actually hear the pitter-patter of hopeful little feet. Faint. Barely audible over the deafening roar of nothingness.

Yes,where there should be nothing but an empty wind howling across the prairie, there are whispers. The over-confidence and hope of an entire fan base begins to simmer and begins the long and tediously slow process of myopia that will take it to a late summer boil. Husker fans are hopeful. Husker fans are optimistic. Husker fans are completely crazy.

Stop it.

Take it from a guy who has been right WAYYYYYY more often than you care to realize…you aren’t going to do dick squat in 2008. I don’t care if you have renewed hope. I don’t care if Tom Osborne’s hypocritical 80+ year old withered ass is standing on the sidelines in a red blazer that would embarrass Jim Neighbors. I don’t care if you’ve watched highlights of last season’s Nevada game over and over again. I don’t care if you are 100% convinced Joey Ganz is the second coming of Christ. (In your case with your previous quarterback..this statement is quite literal.)

Yet as most times, I am not simply going to tell you that you will suck. I know and you know you’ll simply shrug me off as some whack job, as you waddle back to your place in the universe, only get jacked in the gut once again right about halftime of the Texas Tech game.

No, I’m going to tell you this time WHY you’re going to suck. This way, if you find out from me now (instead of later) you can do two things. Number one, you can hear it from a person who knows you better than you know you. I know what you’re thinking. I know how you feel. I know how you see yourself And two, if I tell you that you’ll suck now…you’ll have nearly six full months to prepare yourself for the inevitable letdown that is bound to follow. And don’t kid yourself…but the time we get to late July, many of you will be 100% confident you’ll be in a New Year’s Day bowl. (No matter how many of you are suddenly, “realists”. And yes...“Realists” and “Husker fans” go together like Nancy Osborne and a leather fetish).

So you want reasons? Here are five simple reasons (Out of many) and the cold hard truth as to why you might as well not even bother looking forward to 2008:

1) Bo Pelini
No matter how optimistic you are about this guy... No matter how down your last coach (and don’t forget..you actually minted a coin of him once)…note that he’s still a rookie coach in his first job as head man. He’s also coaching in a place that hasn’t had a humble thought since the Kennedy administration. In other words, right about week 4 of his second season, the “Bomustgo.com” will already be fired up. This goes double if he actually wins a couple of games by the grace of God in 2008.

2) Your problems were not all Bill Callahan last year.
Contrary to even some of you who are sane…Bill Callahan wasn’t your only problem last season. Oh sure, he couldn’t motivate out of a paper bag, but you don’t get the 114th ranked defense is 1A with bad coaching alone. Now granted, I will give you that NU started a lot of young guys last year…but lets be realistic. Bill Callahan hated to play underclassman. How bad does that tell you his outlook on your defensive cupboard was? The problem was more your unrealistic expectations more than Callahans blundering abilities. And last time I checked, he got fired..not you.

3) Walk ons never won jack shit in the history of anything.
You can cry a river of joyful tears that Gilbert Soyburn from Podunk, NE (Population who cares) is going to get a shot at the team this year (with 29 others just like him)…but looking back on your glory years…just how many of those great players were walk ons from some crappy city in Nebraska? Tommy Frazier? Mike Rozier? Will Shields? Lawrence Phillips? Let’s face it…you had nice seasons with horribleclass D Nebraska players because the Big 8 sucked back in those days. Meanwhile, the days of playing 9 pansies to gear up for Colorado and Oklahoma are over. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll bet it hits you somewhere near halftime of the KU game.

4) Four road games isn’t going to cut it.
Oh sure, it sounds good when you have an untalented team and you know it. However, twice before this decade you decided it would be cool to play 8 home games and pretty much ignore any and all opportunities to play on the road. (And yes, playing on the road when you suck isn’t’ much fun. Trust me, I lived through the 80’s.) So what happened those two years? Well, in 2005 you lost to KU in one of your road games by 35 points. And then in 2001 you played one of the WORST schedules in the history of man, just before you were ass raped in Boulder to kill any and all shot of a National Title birth. (Well, one you deserved anyway) Playing minimal road games is a bad bad idea if you are trying to learn through adversity and mold young players. It's idiotic and it's exactly like you to think otherwise.

And finally….

5) The football Gods still hate you.
Yes, ever since you kicked that ball in 1997 and won your pity ½ of a National Title. (One you whined like a 4 year old girl to get by the way)…you’ve had to look karma in the ey. Coincidence that as soon as Osborne left, the entire thing went to crap? I’m guessing no, considering you only won the conference ONCE during that time, and playing a New Years day bowl a whopping THREE times. (And one of those was the previously mentioned whine-festival, where you were subsequently dropped kicked by Miami and humiliated on National TV. ) Hell, your overrated name alone should get you at least an Outback bowl bid every year.

Again, we’ve got plenty of time to talk about all of this. But let this be on the record that you may as well stop now. Stop thinking North titles. Stop thinking about 9 wins. Stop dreaming of Bo Pelini being hoisted on shoulders like he was during a memorable crappy bowl game in San Antonio against juggernaut and perennial power Michigan State. (yawn).

Just stop. I’m actually telling you this now to save us all the headache later.

Too bad you and I know it won’t do any good.

Ciao.

AJ