April 15, 2005

HICKAPALOOZA!! - Time for the Husker Spring Game!

Back in the old days....when dirt was rocks and the Huskers were still good, the Nebraska spring football game was kind of a sideshow. It was a place where only the die-hards would go, so that they could impress their friends from Fairburry or North Platte or wherever with their new Husker gear they got for Christmas. Back then, you knew that the local TV stations would cover it....you'd put up with game reports for a few days...and that would be that until late July.

But now, with the second coming of Howard Schnellenburger, the Hickster spring game has taken on new life. Today, 60,000 losers with nothing better going on in their lives, will pack into a 2,000 year-old hunk of concrete, and go crazy over a fucking scrimmage. You can call it a celebration of Husker spirit. You can call it a spring tradition. But if it looks like a scrimmage, and it walks like a scrimmage...it's probably a scrimmage. Let me tell you what a scrimmage is....YOU ARE PLAYING AGAINST YOURSELVES. It's NOT a real game. But then again..if you think about it....the Husker 1st team offense is probably the only 11 guys in America who the blackskirts can stop.

Make no mistake about it...I hate the Husker players, coaches and above all..the fans more than anything on earth. If I see that the Husker women's bowling team lost a couple of frames to some giant women wearing flannel from South Dakota...I still smile, if only because I know somebody wearing that ugly ass 'N' is a little bit sad.

So where does that leave us? It's not like I'm going to change the way loser Husker fan thinks. He's still going to act like a dumbass, and I'm still going to make fun of him. He's still going to wear a yellow piece of foam on his head that looks like an ear of corn, and I..and the whole nation...will make fun of him. But most of all, I will make fun of a proud fan base who has falled so far from grace that they have completely lost sight of reality. I will continue to make fun of fans who blast every other team in the Big 12 for having thugs and poor scheduling...meanwhile they have had upwards to FOURTY players charged with crimes in the past 8 years or so...oh yeah..and they scheduled Maine. MAINE!!!!

Actually..it doesn't mean a whole lot more to me than that. It's actually quite nice, because it detracts attention away from the other hick freakshow in town...Husker baseball..and good god don't get me started on that shit. So have your little spring game....tailgate like it's a September Saturday against Maine....pack like sardines in a shitty old stadium, and pretend you're taking on Miami. It all doesn't matter. When the weather turns cold...and the realization hits you that your stud new freshmen, sent by god to save your team, are really pimple-faced rookies...then you'll see what I'm talking about.

Until then, enjoy your weekend of make-believe, and try not to get anybody arrested between now and then.

More to come I'm sure.


Blogger something_something said...

Yes yes a thousand times yes. I couldn't say it better myself.

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Sam said...

Are we supposed to be impressed that the Huskers can play with themselves? OR are we supposed to be impressed that their incoming freshman class is out on parole for a few weeks in mid-March?

The people of Nebraska need to wake up and smell the fucking manure. There are bigger and better things in life than Husker football. Of course, in a state where you have nothing better to do than watch the corn grow, maybe the specticle of a few dozen felons running away trying to make an escape from a place with 70,000 witnesses is entertaining.

And they act like they know the players personally. "Way to go, Barrett, I knew you had it in you!" or "Joey just doesn't have it this season." If you are going to refer to guys on a first name basis, maybe you should get to know them. Fuck, it couldn't hurt them-- maybe your guidence would keep them from revolving door they call the Nebraska State Penitentiary.

You want to know why you have Nebraska-Omaha and Nebraska-Kearney? Because there is enough confusion between the schools now-- we're lucky they don't revert back to the old University of Omaha days. If you called one of the schools Nebraska State, everyone would assume you mean the felons down in Lincoln.

Fuck Husker football, it's waste of time, and I can't believe the people of this state see it fit that in March, following a losing season that the Huskers are the lead story in the news. They're barely worth the lead in sports. Fucking World War III could break out, and the lead story would be, "Someone farted and the Husker practice facility today, and made a big stink."

These corn-fed losers need to get real lives. And the Huskers can just go blow.

3:25 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Sam...that's dead freaking on. Well said.

8:33 AM  

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