April 7, 2005

May the Dorks be with you

Sometime in the life of every young man, he must begin to separate the behaviors and habits that separate grown-ups from children. This may be very early...or very late in adolescent life. For example, at some point, most boys figure out that being a Boy Scout no longer means that you get to leave class early, or wear your really cool Webalo uniform to school....but it means you are a dork. Not that it's not a great organization....but if you're in it past age 13 or 14 or so....most likely, you are a dork.

Same goes later in life as well. I used to enjoy going to the bar, getting smashed on penny pitchers and scamming as many scantidly clad coeds as I could find. However, just like the boy scouts, I eventually figured out that I was too old for that, and for me to go back into that environment, would be a huge mistake.

However, every so often, you come across individuals who fit both criteria. Not only should they have given up at age 13, they should have given up something else in their only adulthood. And then there are the absolute fucking geeks known simply as Star Wars fans.

I'll be the first to admit it...I loved Star Wars. I had the giant Death Star playset. I had the light sabers. I saw the original movie at least 10 times the first 2 months it was out. I saw the first special on TV, and even the ill-fated Christmas special with Bea Arthur. Yes...I was a big fan. But somewhere along the way, I figured out that acting out a movie, or collecting memorabilia from a movie is just dorky. So I stopped. Sure, if I see the original on USA network, I'll stop for a few minutes, and reflect on my free-spirited youth, where I couldn't get enough of George Lucas's work. But somewhere out there today....in a town not so far away...there is a dork standing in line at a movie theater...waiting for a movie that doesn't come out for 50 days....as a stormtrooper.

I'm going to put this as gently as I can, and I hope I don't offend some people: If you're over the age of 17 (I'm being generous), and you're dressed as a science fiction movie character? Your'e a fucking loser. END OF STORY. There is no "Yeah but....." in this scenario. You're either a normal person....or your a fucking idiot, who's own life is so boring....so devoid of normal existence...that you feel the need to pretend you're something else...from a movie that is nearly 30 years old. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, shake yourselves people! IT WAS A MOVIE!!! ENTERTAINMENT!!! Do you think Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill or Carrie Fisher are honored that you're paying homage to them by dressing yourself up as a 6 foot tall Ewok? They think you're a fucking loser too, and probably even more so than normal people, because I can't IMAGINE the fan mail that those actors get.

The counter-argument to that is, "What harm does it do? What is so wrong if I want to go to Prom as a Jawa?" The problem is that you're watering down the gene pool for the love of god. The problem is that there are 120 MILLION kids in this country under the age of 13, and if they see ADULTS acting like that...they feel that they have the right to do that in their adulthood as well. It's wrong. It's a sickness and for the love of fucking god, this must stop. But how?

How do you stop hundreds of thousands of douschebags from dressing up as C3PO at your local Wal-Mart for the next couple of months? You BEG and PLEAD George Lucas to stop making these fucking movies, and hope to god that this misfits of genetics finally die off someday. SO THANK GOD George finally came to his senses and said, "There are 800,000 websites devoted to a movie from 25 years ago....I gotta put a stop to this." Thanks George...only about 20 years too late.

Moral of the story? The next time you think it'd be cool to dress up as Lando Calrissian for your office Christmas party.....or you think it'd be REALLY cool to change your name officially to Boba Fett....please take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror, and realize that being a social outcast (ie freak) IS CERTAINLY a curable disease. But nobody can help you until you help yourself. Put the Lightsaber away...get to the nearest mental health facility, and do your future grandkids a favor. They'll thank you for it. (If by chance in hell that you'll ever hold a girl's hand...let alone have sex and reproduce yourself...but god willing...there are qutie a few girl Star Wars geeks out there as well...so you have a shot.)


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