An All Too Familiar Valentine's Day Story
Gather round the fire my friends. Today is St. Valentines day. The one day every year where men everywhere must swallow their pride, while women everywhere celebrate a day dedicated to love. “Should I get her that necklace?” “Do you think he’ll buy that sweater I was hinting for.” Yes, even with brut capitalist commercialism and an entire greeting card industry behind it, Valentines day is still seen by many as the one true day a year where John Lennon was always right.
All you need is love.
Stick with me kids, let me tell you a story about love. Well, love…then hate…then revenge…then back to hate..then some pity..and then indifference. You all have stories like this. Perhaps you went through something like this sometime in your life. Perhaps it was a buddy of yours? Or maybe a friend of a friend? Either way, the moral of the end of this story will be blatant and obvious. As I tell this tale, some of you will know just what feelings I’m talking about. You will nderstand every emotion. Perhaps it may be a glimmer into your own soul.
It all starts with a shy but handsome fellow we’ll call…Jay. While in the midst of high school, Jay was like most 16 year old guys, interested in music, video games and hanging out with friends. Nearly 10 years this week, he met THE girl.
You guys know who “the girl” is don’t you? “The girl” is the first relationship you fall into, not realizing there are 200,000,000 other girls out there…most of which are way better suited for you than she is. Anyhow, Jay…being the shy type…hit it off with the girl we shall call Judy.
Jay and Judy were inseparable. While their friends were out partying, enjoying their high school days…the two high school lovebirds spent nearly every moment together. Remember those couples in high school who were so into each other, that you hardly even remembered they were separate people? Remember those sickening people voted "best couple"? Typical Romeo and Juliet crap, set in a suburban Camelot. A match made in heaven…destined to be together forever. They exchanged gifts on nearly every occasion. She made Christmas ornaments for him. She sat right behind the basket at his basketball games. He attended her lame ass boring tennis matches. They called each other every night like clockwork.
But then…lurking like a giant mountain that looms in the distance…his final year of high school came closer. Although now dating into their third year, the two were determined not to the decisions after his senior year get in their way. They continued to spend every waking moment together that spring and into summer. They snuck away from his graduation party that year, determined to make every moment together count. They slow danced behind a tree as others entertained themselves with sparkling cider and lil smokies. Their misty eyes locked, as they promised each other nothing would tear them apart.
As summer turned to fall, Jay was forced to make a choice. Attend a prestigious journalism school or stay at home..closer to Judy who was finishing up high school. Like the complete idiot moron he is..he decided to stay close to home. And for the next year…things remained exactly the same.
Judy was faced with a double whammy during the summer after her graduation. Her parents were moving 1000 miles away for her father’s job, and she received a scholarship on the east coast. She was now on the verge of the same dilemma….move on with her life…or stay behind, together as one. And..like Jay before her, she also chose to keep wandering down the path too often taken. She turned the scholarship down and decided to stay in town as well. Her parents..against their best judgment decided to move away with out her. Judy’s father had a long talk with Jay. “She’s my only daughter. Take care of her.” “I will" Jay replied, never feeling more confident.
Fast forward three more years. By now, the couple had been together nearly six years…never once taking so much as a day apart. They knew each other’s thoughts before they could finish them. They acted more together than couples double their age. Their future was laid out in gold before them. In a year, he would be graduating college and their lives together would officially begin. Two random people who were lucky enough to find each other at an extremely young age. Lightning in a bottle was the only way to describe it as the two headed down the road of life.
Jay saw the future coming. No way in hell was he going to let such a stable part of his life go. By this time, Judy had transferred to the same small school as Jay. In December of his junior year, he visited a jewelry store and picked out a ring that she said she had always wanted. As the first semester finished, they attended a school holiday formal at his school. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing odd at all.
The funny thing about lightning in a bottle, is the fact that if you let out that lightning, you realize it kills a hell of a lot of people in the world every year. As if you didn’t see it coming, lightning blasted through Jay’s forehead during the middle of a Bryan Adams song in the form of four simple words out of Judy’s mouth.
“I’m done with you”
The same girl Jay had been with since age 16…the same girl who walked hand and hand with him for the last six years was gone. Just like that in a public spectacle that would make Courtney Love on a six day bender proud.
Jay was devastated. He spent the next 48 hours in shock. Never seeing the lightning bolt coming, his natural instinct was to wait out whatever was bothering her and get his life back to normal. But as many of you figured out several paragraphs back…fate was not in his hands. For you see, Judy was no longer interested in being with Jay. Her hair now a shade just short of purple (distant from her natural brown locks), Judy was no longer woven inside her cocoon. Judy was a free woman. Free of the binders of a boyfriend. Free of parents nosing into her busy life.
When school resumed the following early January, Jay had decided that the school was still big enough for the two of them to co-exist. “Who the hell is she?” he thought to himself. “I was at this school first. She’ll be back as soon as she realized that everybody else see’s what a social outcast she is.” Jay couldn’t have been more wrong.
For you see, Judy suddenly liked dick. A LOT. Loved the cock like circus seal on speed...I mean LOVED IT.
For the next six months, Judy made her way from guy to guy with the frequency of a cheap transistor radio. Playing wicked twenty-something mind games all the way, her every move was designed to piss Jay off. What's that? Jay's good friend is moving to Arizona? Why not fuck him too? Since their school was smaller than most high schools, Jay had no choice but to just flat out take it when she showed up at the same parties in a mini skirt that exposed her lower intestine. Jay had no choice but to just let it go when his friends and basketball teammates told him about her antics from the night before.
As her reputation for being the school pin cushion spread it’s way through the student body, Jay remained more and more trapped. His schooling nearly done, he became less and less likely to leave. The battle of wills continued. Jay continued to try and live with the love of his life being treated like a dishrag whore before his very eyes. Judy did everything she could to prove to the world that that whole multiple partner thing didn’t die with disco.
Case in point. Arriving for class one morning, Jay’s teammates gathered around him in the lunchroom. “So, saw your old woman last night.” “Yeah” Jay said, his eyes sinking. His ears drooped for the news he knew was coming. “Yeah, apparently her and her a guy she met were playing truth or dare at the volleyball apartments. They dared him to pleasure her with a snickers bar.” “Great” Jay said, his forehead nearly on the table. As he opened his locker door before practice, he was cascaded with nearly 30 lbs of Snicker bars. It is claimed that at least 3 people nearly died laughing at the incident.
And so it went.
So after graduation it ended right? Jay and Judy went their separate ways, closing a rocky chapter in their lives. OF COURSE NOT!!! After Jay got an apartment in town, guess who moved in across the street? Guess who stripped in front of a room full of people only to fuck two guys at once? Guess who once played a game after hours at the bar, where each one of six guys rolled a dice and the winner got to yell “Yahtzee”. So to speak.
And this continued…for nearly three more years.
So what did we learn from all this? Several things. For one…women are fucking crazy. Some women are heady. Some women are sharp. Some women are fucking batshit psycho, even if they appear normal for literally thousands of days in a row.
Secondly, never ever ever underestimate the crazy power of a girl who is “in search for her own identity”. No matter how planned out you have your future. No matter how “right” for each other you think you are…you will never ever stop a crazy woman from being crazy. You will never ever stop her from spitting on you to get what she wants. And even worse..you can never ever trust your friends, roommates, teammates, dentists, chiropractor or anybody else who may be in contact with her. When she leaves your sorry ass, she’s fair game..and nobody will be looking out for you or your silly pussy feelings.
I hope Judy is rotting away in some bar this Valentines night. I hope her saggy eyes droop to the floor along with every other piece of her withered and used body. I hope the fake eyelashes she has caked on to her plastic looking, jiz stained eyebrows turn to fire. I hope that now..all these years later, Judy realized what a crazy fucking bitch she really is. Rot in hell Judy…and happy fucking Valentines day.
Not so much love,
Uhhh…I mean Jay.