Just One Time
Holy crap, I should open my own psychic service. Not because it wasn’t easy to see coming, but as soon as I write about something..poof…a glaring example just falls out of the sky. Seriously, with all this pansy-ass quitting and pouting going on, I’m respecting Bill Callahan more and more every day. The only way I could respect him more is if he finally just snaps on you people during a press conference. Wouldn't that be great? I mean, even you people have to admit, he's held back pretty well over the past few weeks.
Here’s how I would love for it to go down at the next press conference:
Random reporter – “Coach, under the circumstances, there are obviously many questions regarding your future. Do you have any comment on your current job status.”
Imaginary Callahan – “ I’m still the coach of this team. I'm just here to help these kids, I'll let the powers that be handle that.”
Random reporter – “Coach Callahan, how do you answer your critics who say your lack of preparation and blind loyalty to Kevin Cosgrove have ruined this program”.
Imaginary Callahan – “What do you care as long as you get free quesadillas in the press box? Shouldn’t you be on a diet anyway you fatass? And that goes for all of you. Who the f*ck do you people think you are? I mean, you’re out here in the middle of nowhere. How many people actually listen to your radio show, or read your newspaper or watch your TV broadcasts? Get the f*ck over yourselves.”
Imaginary Callahan – “You know…I try to be nice to you guys. I answer EVERY question, no matter how butt ass stupid it is. I laugh at Shatel’s jokes, I chuckle with Steve Sipple like I actually like him. What more do you hicks want from me? You want me to snap? You want me to start flipping tables over?” (Flips table over)
Imaginary Callahan – “Here’s a quote for all of you…get out your notebooks. I’m not quitting. Stick your overrated program up your ass and keep your wads of cash away from me. Ruining your piece of shit program is certainly worth it. I mean Jeez…you guys make Raider fans look like dealing with Princeton alumni. Oh yeah, and I’m gonna start burning redshirts like they were sitting next to a flamethrower. I’m going to throw games….hell, I already told …oh what’s his name last week? The big fat guy…I told him all our plays. How do you like that?”
Imaginary Callahan – “Is that what you guys want? Then fine. Oh…you like that queso dip and nacho chips over there along the wall? Was that good? Well I pissed in it before you all got here and rubbed the spoons with my ass. How do you like that? F*ck you guys. See ya at practice.”
That’s what I want to see. Hopefully it will happen sometime sooon.
*** You know what I love about all of this? Well, watching you get crushed and give up 76 points in a regulation game is rather amusing. But you know what’s even more funny? Watching you get all pissed off about it, throwing tantrums and wanting to blame pretty much everybody but yourselves for the situation you’re in. It’s like watching Mr. Rogers get pissed over cold soup at a restaurant and then throwing a tantrum while screaming “Gosh darnit” over and over again. It would be funny if it wasn't so darn cute.
Case in point. One of the whine-fests on the radio yesterday afternoon was talking about how national talking heads were out of their minds because Nebraska may have difficulty getting a “big name” coach. I laughed to myself listening to these guys say things like, “If you pay anybody enough and you’re a big time program…they’ll coach for you.”
Oh really? How many times do I have to tell you that your biggest enemy is yourselves and your completely warped perceptions you have created? I realize it’s difficult to fathom that you are..in fact..barely better than Baylor…but you are not entitled to anything. This sort of thing can hit ANY team. Notre Dame has 10x the tradition you do and they’re 1-8. Miami can equal you in tradition and I don’t know about the top 25 in your paper..but I can’t see them anywhere. Alabama, Florida State, Penn State all are “big name” programs who really haven’t done a whole hell of a lot lately.
Don’t get me wrong..you may someday be like a Florida State and sneak by an incredibly overrated team like Boston College. You may be like Penn State and sit in the 20-30 ranking range for a couple of weeks at a time. But your brain doesn’t work like that. Your heart won’t let it.
College football will not shut down because you suck. Teams like Missouri, South Florida, West Virginia and the like will certainly move in and take the spot you had back when the Macarena was cool and MTV still played videos. I simply do not understand how you could go through such a quick and violent collapse…and yet still be completely oblivious to the very reasons you are there in the first place.
Regardless of why you are here…you my friends…are here. You may as well unpack your bags and get comfortable…you’re going to be here for quite some time.
Say hi to Baylor for us.