As the Corn Turns

How on earth did it get to be November already? Yeesh.

Bizzaro season continues, as the Hick Nation ponders who is going to be their next exalted leader. (That would make Tom Osborne emperor, which many of you know..isn’t too far from the truth.) One question I get quite often is, “Who do you think will get the NU job?”

That question is easy…Bo Pelini. Why? Because that’s what you people blindly want, and after nearly being ran out of town on a rail, Harvey Pullman can only save his ass by giving you exactly what you want. He’s already done that somewhat by having Warden Osborne come in and tell you exactly what you wanted to hear. (“when the new coaching staff comes in?” Whoops. Looks like senility is slowly creeping in.)

I do have a few questions about that potential hire.

First of all, is ONE game of head coaching (interim) experience enough to keep you people from going completely delirious? I realize Pelini took Frank Solich’s players and beat Michigan State (Whoopie)….but shouldn’t the leader of such a “name” program have a bit more experience than one game?

Ok, forget the experience…wasn’t he the same guy who threw a tantrum at old man Snyder when K-State dropped 38 on the Hicks in Lincoln? Didn’t the same inexperienced coordinator you just got rid of (whoops, he’s still here) have the same kind of episode with a certain throat slash? Didn’t that same guy get in trouble for calling a group of college kids, “Fucking hillbillies?”. Wouldn’t you think you people would pay attention to warning signs THE SECOND TIME you go through all of this?

Didn’t Pelini defenses get torched against the three best offenses he faced in that one season at defensive coordinator? Do you realize somebody is going to have to tell him how to snap the ball on the offensive side, considering the guy has zero experience drawing up offensive plays? Do you really think you have LSU talent on the defensive side of the ball? Uhhhh...no.

Seriously, I can only sit here and tell you how things are for so long. Eventually you’re going to have to venture out on your own, and not make stupid and idiotic decisions based upon games that were played years ago. You didn’t listen to me before, and it cost you. Don’t get me wrong, I can certainly see a bright future here at Behind Enemy Lines if Pelini gets the job; However, as you can tell by my inability to consistently and successfully remind you of how much you suck…it’s in my best interests that you are at the very least REMOTELY competitive, in that I don’t want this blog to become OmahaTraffich8er.com or “Behind Enemy Blinds – A guide to window coverings from A to Venetian”

So what do I think WILL happen?

Well, after the K-State game, Osborne is going to go into some lame speech about taking things back to the old days, or something stupid like this. He won’t have the sack to actually fire Bill Callahan, so like Milton in the movie Office Space, Tom Lumburg will re-assign Callahan to a desk in the utility room and stop date his paychecks.

Meanwhile, an “exhaustive” search will continue, as TO goes through his handwritten note cards of people in the game who he has known over the years. He’ll then ask Charlie McBride or some other geezer who knew the game back in the 70’s and 80’s what he should do. Perhaps he’ll take an informal poll of former palyers what they think?

Don’t think TO can make a decision on his own? But didn’t he just say, “I watch 6 games a Saturday, so I’m not out of touch with Today’s game.” Really Tom? If that’s the case, please let me know how you’re getting six different timeslots and all those networks, because on the planet I live on, there are only about 4 slots for games and unless you’re watching games in Hawaii or the Ukraine, I’m guessing you’re full of shit. 6 highlights on College Football Scoreboard does not constitute staying “in touch” with today’s game.

Anyway…that’s how it will all do down.

What should go down? The more I look at it, the more you can’t look to Pelini because of his lack of experience and complete whiney attitude. Turner Gill is out, because let’s face it…2 years in Buffalo is not that impressive..considering I doubt he’s getting his opponents best shot when they visit the mighty Bulls. In other words..if he wasn’t from “the Family”, would you even consider him in 1,000,000 years? This would be another great hire in my opinion.

If you were smart…and I know you aren’t…(that is, if Urban Meyer or Bob Stoops somehow turn you down) you would take a look at Navy’s Paul Johnson. I realize you would never stoop so low as to hire a guy from lowly Navy, but this guy has won everywhere he’s gone and has done it the right way. He’s used multiple offenses, and obviously gets the most out of his players. (Unless the service academies have suddenly seen an influx of NFL talent).

Regardless of how I feel…I’m 100% certain you will screw this up someway, somehow…and we’ll be right back here in 4 years, fighting off the déjà vu as we try to figure out just who is stupid enough to take this job and underperform for your stratosphere-esque expectations.

* Most of you have never heard my views on this, but I’ll throw it out now that it’s over. I really hate Halloween. Not for anything religious or because I’m allergic to candy corn. I just don’t understand why grown men would dress as Boba Fett. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for finding an excuse to go to the bar and grope a coed who is dressed as Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. But some of you really need to let the kids have their day.

Is it really necessary to turn your house into some sort of spectacle, just so you can display your creativity involving a chainsaw, food coloring and a cow’s brain you found at Stoysich for $3.99 a pound.

Oh, and if you’re 14 and you don’t have a costume on….kiss my ass if you think I’m even going to give you a stale piece of super bubble that is harder than a 40 year old Husker fan at the Spring game. If you’re going to take the time to go out begging for candy, at LEAST throw on a hat…or a dog collar or whatever. These punks are lucky I just wanted to get rid of the crappy candy at the bottom of my basket. And if you REALLY want to beg for stuff…go downtown and sit on the corner with the people who really need stuff. Ingrate suburbanite jackasses.

Oh, and if you see an 8 year old boy dressed as a Husker football player, and he’s walking next to his 5 year old sister who is dressed as a Husker cheerleader…is it wrong to ask them “At what point are you going to start beating the shit out of her?”

Ok, that may have been a bit out of line.

I should have said “smacking her around” instead.