March 30, 2007

Vatican Confirms Husker QB Keller as True Prophet

Copyright 2006
BHL News Services

Lincoln, NE -

Dianna Darlington of El Paso, Texas stood in line outside the Tom and Nancy Osborne Championship Center holding her 18 month old baby in her arms. "My son has been blind since birth", she quivered while standing in the slow drizzle. "I heard the one they call "Sam" is healing people. If this is true, it will make my trip worth it, just so my son can see the blue sky, just once in his life."

She then broke down in tears as several other pilgrims consoled her in line, many of whom were wearing bright red #5 jerseys with the tag still on it.

"This is a circus". Said Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after practice on Friday. "I've never seen anything like this, except that time in Oakland where those senior citizens tried to stab me with a spikey ball hooked to a chain."

The new found "circus" environment surrounds what the Vatican called Friday, "The most public and spiritual confirmation of a miracle seen in 2,000 years." Defensive back Zach Bowman, doing jumping jacks for the TV cameras was living proof. Two days ago, he had surgery to repair a torn patella tendon in his knee. Lincoln doctors stated the surgery went well, and Zach was on his way to recovery, but still was looking at mid-season at earliest for a return. That all changed on Thursday night.

"Sam (Keller), came to my room on Thursday night. I was pretty groggy coming out of surgery. I asked him what the (expletive) he was doing there, and he told me to lay still. After rubbing my knee through the bandages for about 10 seconds, I felt a tingle run down my hip and down to my toes. He simply stepped back and said, 'Get up.'

Bowman became emotional as he continued.

"I thought he was just being an (expletive). That's Sam ya know?" Bowman said as his eyes began to well up. "But he told me not to be an (expletive) and grabbed my arm. I was scared to death, but it was like nothing ever happened. I don't know what he did, but he healed me. I know it sounds crazy." When asked what happened next, Bowman paused. "Well, Sam's kind of an (expletive), so he called me a "lazy fatass" and pushed me out the door. He said if just one Wake Forest Wide Receiver gets by me, he was going to break my (expletive) neck."

Keller was not done performing miracles on this night.

Nebraska I-back Kenny Wilson broke his femur bone a day earlier lifting a television. His story was much the same as Bowman's. "My family was in the hospital room with me, admiring my cast, when Sam broke in. He went straight to my bed, called my sister an (expletive) b*tch and put his hands on my cast. After a few second, the tingling started and he stepped back. After throwing a Diet Pepsi can against the wall, he told my mom to get the (expletive) out of his way and headed toward the door, mumbling something about me being a 'gimp (expletive)'.

Wilson continued

"About an hour later I noticed my leg felt fine. I just thought the pain meds were kicking in, so I called in the nurse who was carrying my x-rays. She said she couldn't believe it, and that the break was completely gone. Sam is a complete and total prick, but he's special man." Wilson finished his statement by pumping his fists and doing a front handspring for reporters. "Now if you excuse me" he continued, "I'm going to go kick his ass for shoving my sister."

To the faithful, nothing else needed to be said. Busloads of pilgrims have been arriving in Lincoln daily, sometimes as many as 5,000 per hour, according to the Lincoln police department. By noon on Friday, the line extended all the way to 10th street, and across the railroad viaduct that connects Haymarket Park to the NU campus.

One woman, Velma Garcia, claiming to be from Bolivia, stood in line near the Memorial Stadium parking garage. "The legend of Senior Keller has been circulating in my village for several years now. We have always heard from our village elders that a sandy-haired man from the desert will arrive in North America to solve the world's problems. All it took was one word from our pastor, and I got on an airplane. I simply cannot pass up seeing a living prophet walk the earth.

"This is just great!" said NU Athletic Director Steve Pederson. "Just look here at the Husker Nation. NOBODY loves me, I mean our team, more than the Husker nation. Can I get an AMEN!!!!" The crowd behind him roared in reply with a thundering "Amen!"

Even the Vatican has confirmed that the Keller double-miracle deserves special attention. "Today, we are very excited to announce the Lord's latest miracle in America". Said Vatican press secretary Father Paulo Riberti, sporting a retro Turner Gill jersey. "The man they call Keller has been verified as the man who will lead all humanity through these troubled times. The church will investigate further, but all indicators are that Mr. Keller is in fact a true prophet of God. Go Big Red."

After a lengthy delay, Keller was finally able to speak to reporters, shoving aside three clergy and a young man in a wheelchair to get to the throng of reporters, some estimated at 20 rows deep.

"I came here to Iowa City looking to show the world that I can lead this team. It's great to see the Wildcat Nation out here supporting us, but if any of you mother(expletive)'s yell at me again while I'm doing my workout, I'll (expletive) kill you." Keller's face began to flush as red as his #5 practice jersey. "And that goes to the (expletive)ing bitch in line at Subway last night who thought her (expletive) order was more important than mine. You stupid (expletive), don't you know who the (expletive) I am? I'm Sam Keller bitch, quarterback of the Washington Huskies." Keller angrily shoved reporters as he made his was back inside.

Outside, spirits remained high, as the throng of thousands continued to grow. "Sam Keller is going to show you and the whole college football world that we're here to stay." said Arnie Milgram of Ord, NE, clutching an autograph book in one hand, and a tattered bible in another. "Just look at this line to get into autograph day. No other program in the nation can match this." Milgram cut short his remarks by high fiving the man next to him wearing a faded Tommie Frazier jersey, moments before he threw his arms around him to kiss him."

"This is really something" Callahan commented. "I think Sam is living proof that our recruiting has really come along."

(The Associated Press contributed to this report)




(Yes, this is satire, and no...I'm not mocking two Huskers who got hurt. This was meant to make fun of you people and your manlove toward Sam Keller, nothing more. Get over yourselves)

32 Comments:

Anonymous ohf said...

geezus man. you have the biggest mancrush on one young man that i have ever seen. how many more articles are we going to get from you about sam keller? i think he is a hell of a qb, and will do great things here, but im worried about his safety with someone as obviously obsessed with him, even if it is sick and twisted, as you. if i were sam, id watch my my butthole with someone like you so close by. get some help aj, geez.

1:17 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Your reference to gay sex not withstanding...I live by one simple rule:

If I've pissed you off, I've done my job.

Cheers.
AJ

2:09 PM  
Blogger HuskerPreacher said...

If you don't like the state move--south and east.

2:19 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

(You don't know how much I was hoping to see you swear at me when I approved your whiney statement)

I'm not going to move for a couple of reasons:

1) The world needs me. Without bloggers from behind the wall, the rest of the world would think you people are nothing but classy howdy-doody lookalikes who are actually good people. You're not.

2) I enjoy making you all mad. You think I write for fun?

3) 55% of my traffic comes from message boards and blogs of other teams...mostly KSU, Missouri and Colorado. In other words..we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you.

Thanks for stopping by though.

2:22 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - the effort from the rest of you coming from Husker links are really really lacking in your disdain.

Seriously...mom smack?

What are you? 10?

3:45 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

no, im not pissed, im amused. however i do worry about sam and his safety with freaks like you out there. you obviously have a problem with obsessing over him. does your wife know about this?

4:43 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Come on man..it's March. WTF am I supposed to talk about? I talk Creighton or UNO hockey, my hits drop like a rock.

Hating the Huskers brings in the ratings...and I'm a whore for the hits.

So with all hte hype, of course I'm going to run with it. It's either that, or I start ranting about weathermen all day...and nobody wants to see that.

Have a good weekend, and try and lighten up a little. ;)

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"called his sister an (expletive) bitch"...do you really think you use "an"? I think it should depend on the the expletive or otherwise use "a" to go with bitch. I'm not trying to be a dick, I just wonder what the rule is. Sorry for the dumb ass comment.

7:29 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

According to "A Writers's Reference, 5th edition by Diana Hacker" (www.dianahacker.com/writersref) ....the correct use would be

"Use an 'an' before a vowel sound, a before a consonant sound: an apple, a peach. Problems sometimes arise with words beginning with h. If the h is silent, the word begisn with a vowel sound, so use an: an hour, an heir, an honest senator, an honorable deed. If the h is pronounced, the word begins with a consonant sound. So use a: a hospital, a hymn, a historian, a hotel"

p. 111 and 112, "glossary of usage", section W1.


So you are correct. It should be, "Called her A BITCH". NOT "Called her an bitch".

I have the greatest readers in the world.

8:06 PM  
Blogger HuskerPreacher said...

Your are mistaken. I'm not angry. It would be hard to get angry at what you're doing. More like amused. Not laughing with you but at you. I find it interesting that you chose to describe yourself with your screen name based on what you hate rather than what you support.

8:08 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

You can't expect to make a comment on my little space here (2 actually) and use my line. (laughing at you). It's been copyrighted and you'll be hearing from my attorney.

It's almost time for me to write another posting as to why I do this..but I'll give you the condensed version.

I'm simply here to expose Husker fans as frauds. I'm not mean spirited. I don't attack college players personally. I don't even attack readers comments personally. It's opinion, satire and humor. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't.

As for supporting my own team...I don't use this as a vehicle to cheerlead for my own team. I know my own teams faults. I dispise many of my own fans.

That's what makes your fans and my fans different. Mine are evil, bitter and angry...and that's ok. Yours are arrogant, self-rightous, myopic and hypocritical. Not really worse than anybody else, but your constant CONSTANT self-promotion and arrogance makes you ripe for condemnation.

So I call you out for what you are. It needs to be done, so I provide the service.

Sorry to make burst your bubble, but I've heard it all before and you're not really breaking any new ground here.

8:01 AM  
Anonymous Tiger_on_the_move_75 said...

Some of you finest AJ. The only bigger frauds in college football might be the buckeyes (and truthfully I still think it's NU). I was listening to a local station thursday and Herbstreit (who I normally have a small amount of respect for) said he would "sacrifice" next football season for the chance to play Florida in the NC game monday... he then went on to say that 10-2 would be sacrificing next season.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

Copyright 2006
BHL News Services

????

isnt it 2007? and what the hell is BHL News Service? these are important things aj, important things. and yes i warned sam about you and told him to watch out for his stalker. fat, middle aged, bald, white guy who wishes he could have played major college sports is how i described him. im guessing that is you. correct?

5:33 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

Fat? no.
Bald? baldING maybe..but not bald.
middle aged? not quite yet.
White? Yup.
Wished I played major college sports?

Uhhhhhh.....I'm sure those who know me are chuckling to themselves at this moment...and as not to reveal my complete identity...I will simply say you are rather off on that one.

I'll leave it at that.

PS - good catch on the 2006. I had no idea it was almost April already.

7:16 PM  
Anonymous ohf said...

uhhh. im not talking about playing baseball at iowa western community college or bellevue or missouri redneck juco major college sports. thats why i stated MAJOR college sports, aka D1. i think thats where alot of hatred toward others comes from, your own shortcomings. if i am wrong on this, please correct me, although, because of the "fear" of giving away your identity, im sure you will just skirt the issue. so please do tell.

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u smell

8:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u smell

8:43 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

AJ,

You can't seriously expect someone to beleive you played any sport with the THUGS=HAPPY FANS line.

That's the type of line that comes from a chess club second stringer, or the guy that holds the stand for a tuba player. (Oh wait, cheerleaders are now considered athletes aren't they.)

You had some shred of credibility up until you tried to pass off THUGS=HAPPY FANS line. Another arm-chair geek with a keyboard with an ability to hide behind a screen sitting living in his mother's basement.

9:11 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

1) "U" don't know how to hit send only once.

2) OHF, your whole little speculation game is amusing, as is your blanket statement about college athletics. I'm guessing YOU never played anything higher than intermural basketball in high school...which is fine.

This is one of those funny situations that I can just let you go, and you basically make yourself look like a complete douchebag by continuing to talk. If YOUR fellow fans would stop sending me death threats, I might be able to talk more freely about it. I'm sure you'd understand if you had the capacity to do so.

Seriously..what's your fucking deal? You used to be pretty funny and "get it" by not taking everything so fucking seriously. Hvae you forgotten that?

Why do ANY of you take this so fucking seriously? What's so important about any of this? Why does it bug you so fucking much?

I know more about it than you do, because I competed in sports against division one teams. If you can prove to me that you did as well...we'll call it even.

Besides...any moron with a 40 sports IQ could tell you that there are PLENTY of small schools that could absolutely beat the piss out of D1 schools in certain sports.

You can start your reasearch there, since it obviously tears at your soul..and I'll give you hints along the way. In the meantime...lighten the fuck up. When JP is more lighthearted than you...you know you've crossed the line.

9:57 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

PS - BHG, I'm sorry that true line hurts you so bad and you're having such a hard time dealing with it. But you cannot possibly tell me that your fans were not pleased as punch from 93-98 or so. They were winning.

Now why were they winning? How many incidents with the law did you have them, as compared to now? If you're claiming that your program somehow is bringing in the same kind of player as you did then...then I'll just let you believe that.

It's not the case with every program..it's just the case with yours.

I'd continue, but I gotta go get OHF some klenex.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Why do ANY of you take this so fucking seriously? What's so important about any of this? Why does it bug you so fucking much?"

Why do YOU take this so fucking seriously? Why does it bug YOU so fucking much?

No, none of this is important to life at all and we are all just wasting our time. However, if humor and satire (with opinion thrown in) are your main goals then "hate" shouldn't be that much of an issue. Check out some of the other sports blogs and you will find several sites that can poke fun at other teams and their fans with a little more tact and class than what you display here.

9:10 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

No..why do YOU TAKE IT SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY?

(rolling my eyes at you)

Class my ass. It is all about how seriously you take it...but it's not difficult to piss off a fan base that loves themselves as much as you do.

I can name about 10 KU websites that are more hateful, more mean-spirited toward Missouri fans than anything you could ever deal with.

The difference is, those websites "poking fun at other teams" aren't poking fun at you. When I do it, it's hateful and mean. When OSU fans "poke fun" at OU fan...it's funny.

I don't take it seriously..but I do know that you need to be exposed as frauds as much as possible...so that other fans across the league and across the country know just what others have to deal with.

Sorry to hurt your feelings so many times.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous bhg said...

AJ,

Your a little naive (sp?) to think that the LPD didn't have to respond to incidents involving Husker players pre-1993. Media attention seemed to increase once the program won a couple national titles? That's got to be why Norm didn't get busted, no championships.

There was guy that I went to college with, he always talked about how great his C-1 football team was, and that team was the greatest team ever in the state of Nebraska. We'd humor him, come to find out he was committed to a state run facility, any relation?

I'm not sure which is more hiliarious, the absurdity that is the THUGS=HAPPY FANS line, or the line about division one schools. A statement like that goes a long way to prove that you must have been competing in cheerleading (as a sport). I needed the kleenex to wipe the tears out of my eyes because I was laughing so hard, so must your friends that "know you".

Next you'll try to pass off that golf is a contact sport. Keep up the good work, you are hilarious.

9:54 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Wait....whoa...hold on.

Are you going to the "The Media is out ot get us card?"

Steroid scandal - No coverage
Child Molestor - No coverage

NOBODY and I mean NOBODY in this state DARES attacking the Hick nation for fear of losing their press pass. (Unless you count Joe Jordan).

I'm not sure why you are so defensive about the whole thugs thing though. Osborne is like the poster child of do-gooder people. A great guy, a strong leader, a principle-powered guy.

But then he brings in a bunch of thugs, and those TONS of bowl losses suddenly turn into wins. Why is that? Are you saying that JUST as many players got into trouble before the 94 Orange Bowl?

I'll give you Scott Baldwin...but other than that...who? Is it because the media is out to get you because they're just jealous of your greatness? Have you ever been outside of Nebraska? NOBODY gives a fuck about Nebraska. NOBODY.

That's not a slam. That's not jealousy. That's fact. If you can prove otherwise..then you win.

As for me and your speculation, I wish I was a cheerleader. Those guys pull like crazy and spend all day staring up at 19-22 year old girls from the world's greatest angle.

PS - Norm couldn't win hte big one either. And his thugs never smashed a woman's head in and dragged her down the stairs. QUIN'S players did..but never norm. And last time I checked, Norm didn't paint a sign at Hearnes that said "we are the greatest fans in college basketball"

I'll say it again...make a claim like that..prepare for the shit you're going to get. It's not rocket science.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

AJ,

You think the media was out to get the Nebraska football team? Why would you think and write that? I certainly don't think that. I mentioned that with national titles comes more media attention. (I'm starting to understand why you haven't been invited to the round table of discussion.)

I'm not trying to compare stats of the 87 team vs. the 94 team. I'm also not making statements saying that THUGS=HAPPY FANS and expecting anyone to buy it either.

You're asking me to "prove a negative", wow, let me see, that's hilarious. (Along with your law background, and playing "college" sports this keeps getting better.)

"Have you even been outside Nebraska?" Ouch, that one cut to the bone, my world is crashing in around me (as I'm laughing my butt off). Do you show the people that "know you" your chess club photo?

Keep me laughing, you are a riot.

1:12 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

I'm not a lawyer, where did I say that? And I will continue to stand by my notion that I've accomplished more than you in sports....but that's neither here nor there.

The fact is, you're entertained..and that's all I really care about no?

If you would like for me to break out the vacation photos, I can do that again. (check out last March)

What were we arguing about again?

1:51 PM  
Blogger GIJoeRed said...

This reads more like you're more POed that we have Sam, and disguising your blog as "the outside world's right to know the truth",

when in reality it merely gives off the appearance that you're just insecure about your chances in Columbia this year all of a sudden, and making some blog that you believe is just what the doctor ordered for those that believe what you believe.

Every fan base merits what it earns, not what you personally attach to it in order to self aggrandize your stance with, because for every "not so great a fanbase" blog you make, there are 10 to say otherwise.

You're more than likely just upset that your team can't get a stranglehold on our team, and Sam is one of the reasons that you are losing quality sleep.

2:25 PM  
Blogger AJ said...

OK, that was funny. I have a few comments.

1) Stop calling him Sam. You're not friends. You're not tight. The odds are very long that you know him or are friends with him or his family. On this blog, he's simply J.C.

2) I have no reason to be insecure. Kevin Cosgrove is back. My team is playing at home. My team returns 10 starters from one of the better offenses inthe country last year. Your DB's are still there. Your D Line is gone.

3) I'm not "PO'd" that you "have Sam". Do you know how much material this guy has given me? It was actually hard to dislike Taylor. This guy is acting like an a-hole, which makes it pretty easy to write about.

4) "Can't get a stranglehold?" They've beating NU soundly the last two trips to Columbia. Last year, NU won because they played Mizzou at home, and everybody else in the North sucked.

5) Why do you guys have this whole pack mentality? Why is it that everybody is labeled? You all act like I don't know my own team has sucked over the years. I know they have. I know they even struggled at times last season. I know they'll probably struggle this season.

That's not the point. The point is, you people are as cocky as ever, and you're putting ALL of your eggs in the basket of ONE guy. You're completely oblivoious of the question marks that surround him, as not to look at the reality that is, if he's hurt/suspended/in prioson/benched or whatever..you're screwed.

And despite what you think..he has been removed as starter once before because his teammates didn't like him.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous bhg said...

AJ,

I apologize, I thought I remembered months and months ago a mention of a "law background" on your part.

Entertained, that doesn't even touch the amount of gratitude that I have right now for levity that you have given me. A co-worker had to check on me yesterday because I busted out laughing. "I played college sports", and the division one comments are making me laugh right now.

(Hey, just between you and me, I heard a rumor that there are some unpaid parking tickets by the George Mason men's basketball team, I'll beat there is huge underlying criminal element afoot.)

10:14 AM  
Blogger HuskerNTulsa said...

A good, funny and enjoyable blog.
I tried to do the same 'behind enemy lines' thing only my endeavor was about KU sports - it failed-!!
Seems there weren't enough fans that cared and those who could read were too busy following some idiot preacher around protesting soldier's funerals.
In any case, I enjoy your humor.

9:45 AM  
Blogger AJ said...

Thank you. I appreciate the comments and the fact that you apparently take it for what it is.

Please stop by again sometime.

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very Funny Stuff....and thanks for cleaning it up so just about anyone could enjoy it.....Although I must say I enjoyed some of your replies to your "fans" almost as much....especially the cheerleader line......Keep up the good work!!!

4:12 PM  

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