Vatican Confirms Husker QB Keller as True Prophet
BHL News Services
Lincoln, NE -
Dianna Darlington of El Paso, Texas stood in line outside the Tom and Nancy Osborne Championship Center holding her 18 month old baby in her arms. "My son has been blind since birth", she quivered while standing in the slow drizzle. "I heard the one they call "Sam" is healing people. If this is true, it will make my trip worth it, just so my son can see the blue sky, just once in his life."
She then broke down in tears as several other pilgrims consoled her in line, many of whom were wearing bright red #5 jerseys with the tag still on it.
"This is a circus". Said Nebraska head coach Bill Callahan after practice on Friday. "I've never seen anything like this, except that time in Oakland where those senior citizens tried to stab me with a spikey ball hooked to a chain."
The new found "circus" environment surrounds what the Vatican called Friday, "The most public and spiritual confirmation of a miracle seen in 2,000 years." Defensive back Zach Bowman, doing jumping jacks for the TV cameras was living proof. Two days ago, he had surgery to repair a torn patella tendon in his knee. Lincoln doctors stated the surgery went well, and Zach was on his way to recovery, but still was looking at mid-season at earliest for a return. That all changed on Thursday night.
"Sam (Keller), came to my room on Thursday night. I was pretty groggy coming out of surgery. I asked him what the (expletive) he was doing there, and he told me to lay still. After rubbing my knee through the bandages for about 10 seconds, I felt a tingle run down my hip and down to my toes. He simply stepped back and said, 'Get up.'
Bowman became emotional as he continued.
"I thought he was just being an (expletive). That's Sam ya know?" Bowman said as his eyes began to well up. "But he told me not to be an (expletive) and grabbed my arm. I was scared to death, but it was like nothing ever happened. I don't know what he did, but he healed me. I know it sounds crazy." When asked what happened next, Bowman paused. "Well, Sam's kind of an (expletive), so he called me a "lazy fatass" and pushed me out the door. He said if just one Wake Forest Wide Receiver gets by me, he was going to break my (expletive) neck."
Keller was not done performing miracles on this night.
Nebraska I-back Kenny Wilson broke his femur bone a day earlier lifting a television. His story was much the same as Bowman's. "My family was in the hospital room with me, admiring my cast, when Sam broke in. He went straight to my bed, called my sister an (expletive) b*tch and put his hands on my cast. After a few second, the tingling started and he stepped back. After throwing a Diet Pepsi can against the wall, he told my mom to get the (expletive) out of his way and headed toward the door, mumbling something about me being a 'gimp (expletive)'.
"About an hour later I noticed my leg felt fine. I just thought the pain meds were kicking in, so I called in the nurse who was carrying my x-rays. She said she couldn't believe it, and that the break was completely gone. Sam is a complete and total prick, but he's special man." Wilson finished his statement by pumping his fists and doing a front handspring for reporters. "Now if you excuse me" he continued, "I'm going to go kick his ass for shoving my sister."
To the faithful, nothing else needed to be said. Busloads of pilgrims have been arriving in Lincoln daily, sometimes as many as 5,000 per hour, according to the Lincoln police department. By noon on Friday, the line extended all the way to 10th street, and across the railroad viaduct that connects Haymarket Park to the NU campus.
One woman, Velma Garcia, claiming to be from Bolivia, stood in line near the Memorial Stadium parking garage. "The legend of Senior Keller has been circulating in my village for several years now. We have always heard from our village elders that a sandy-haired man from the desert will arrive in North America to solve the world's problems. All it took was one word from our pastor, and I got on an airplane. I simply cannot pass up seeing a living prophet walk the earth.
"This is just great!" said NU Athletic Director Steve Pederson. "Just look here at the Husker Nation. NOBODY loves me, I mean our team, more than the Husker nation. Can I get an AMEN!!!!" The crowd behind him roared in reply with a thundering "Amen!"
Even the Vatican has confirmed that the Keller double-miracle deserves special attention. "Today, we are very excited to announce the Lord's latest miracle in America". Said Vatican press secretary Father Paulo Riberti, sporting a retro Turner Gill jersey. "The man they call Keller has been verified as the man who will lead all humanity through these troubled times. The church will investigate further, but all indicators are that Mr. Keller is in fact a true prophet of God. Go Big Red."
After a lengthy delay, Keller was finally able to speak to reporters, shoving aside three clergy and a young man in a wheelchair to get to the throng of reporters, some estimated at 20 rows deep.
"I came here to Iowa City looking to show the world that I can lead this team. It's great to see the Wildcat Nation out here supporting us, but if any of you mother(expletive)'s yell at me again while I'm doing my workout, I'll (expletive) kill you." Keller's face began to flush as red as his #5 practice jersey. "And that goes to the (expletive)ing bitch in line at Subway last night who thought her (expletive) order was more important than mine. You stupid (expletive), don't you know who the (expletive) I am? I'm Sam Keller bitch, quarterback of the Washington Huskies." Keller angrily shoved reporters as he made his was back inside.
Outside, spirits remained high, as the throng of thousands continued to grow. "Sam Keller is going to show you and the whole college football world that we're here to stay." said Arnie Milgram of Ord, NE, clutching an autograph book in one hand, and a tattered bible in another. "Just look at this line to get into autograph day. No other program in the nation can match this." Milgram cut short his remarks by high fiving the man next to him wearing a faded Tommie Frazier jersey, moments before he threw his arms around him to kiss him."
"This is really something" Callahan commented. "I think Sam is living proof that our recruiting has really come along."
(The Associated Press contributed to this report)
(Yes, this is satire, and no...I'm not mocking two Huskers who got hurt. This was meant to make fun of you people and your manlove toward Sam Keller, nothing more. Get over yourselves)